《Cold as Snow》Chapter 15: Struggling With Silence
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Hiruko was somehow set on staying the night near the Prophecy Room. The unusual warmth that seemed to radiate from it had either gone to his head or he was quite serious about sleeping. From my knowledge of cats, they slept eighteen hours a day, yet Hiruko never seemed to stop training.
We already know he likes beating you up. Senshi whispered.
It had been so calming without him.
Nada seemed to have opened up completely after our experience with Yume. I would never know what he found within her heart but she seemed relieved to get it off her chest. She had reverted back to the strange sense of confidence I had seen in her the first time we met and seemed extremely eager to talk. I couldn’t help but think she was trying to comfort herself; trying to figure out whether to leave or stay while keeping a straight face.
Keira seemed overly joyful. She let her dark red hair down and span endlessly around in circles next to the light fairy lights and decorative lanterns. Hiruko padded towards her and was lifted into the air, against his will. I heard the grabby yowls as he frantically tried to cling on to a low branch of the giant oak tree. Once he finally slipped free of Keira’s grasp, he scowled at her and climbed higher into the dense green of leaves. His sleek dark flank stood out and I could see him already settling down, though his eyes were cast with worry for the days ahead. I felt my heart skip a beat.
Fighting, death, bloodlust and blood spill. Was I really that ready for the turbulent times ahead?
My mind leaped back to weeks ago, the eerie eyes of the tattooed bald man and a murky, thick voice biting back at me. I jerked in my chair, jumping slightly. I looked around and breathed in deeply, resting my shaking arm on the wooden table. Senshi gave me a worried sigh and Nada looked down from the stars to rest her eyes on me.
“…Aaron..? Is everything..?”
“I’m fine.” I snapped at her, the vicious man appearing in my mind once again. The next man had stood with his back turned, his head tilted slighted to my window. His hair had been a dark brown, a light shade of night. But his eyes were his most powerful feature. They had looked almost hungry and ever-searching, as though he was looking into the very depths of my soul and eating away at it. Something within me numbed. Too much was going on for me to think straight- death, destruction, fear and love.
I believed in Senshi. I knew we might have some trouble fighting but we would get along. Hiruko would be able to strike anything out of his path and Keira seemed able enough, especially with her quick-footed ability. It was Nada I was worried about. I knew she would do anything to save us, even if it meant her own death, only because it was duty or only because she found that need to help.
I knew I could not bear to see her defeated, her limp body stained in red…like Helena. I knew I could not bear to lose another.
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My head snapped up from the concentration to stare into Nada’s sky-coloured eyes.
“What did Yume find…in your heart?” She spoke quietly to me. I frowned at her, not willing enough to answer.
“It’s nothing…nothing…don’t worry about me.” I mumbled softly so she strained to hear. Nada nodded slowly, giving up easily, and stood, walking gradually towards the tree in which Hiruko slept.
Yet I did not miss her wary glance back to me.
Did I mention it? It had been snowing…when I died. They weren’t sure whether or not the truck had slid as the driver had died on impact. The skid marks of the wheels were indented in the earth; that meant he had braked, at least. The road was closed off for a few hours and my blood had stained the snow; the perfect purity vanishing into rage, the whiteness blinded by red.
People think they will witness the scene of their death as they dance up to the sky. It’s wrong, that they think that, because the truth of it is, for a while, there is nothing. Nothing but the black. When you wake, you’re all alone, in a line of fear and cold. You walk, you stop, and you walk again. People in dark tower robes point directions and you walk and walk, confused and frightened all the same. But on that line, it is always snowing. The line goes on for a while, yet you can see its end.
You are shocked by the white, by the falling blossoms of snow and the dark contrast of the tower robes shock you further.
You cannot run. You cannot hide. You must only walk, only obey.
Should I obey? Or should I run away from a life of fear and obedience?
Because, once we reach here, we are lost. We are truly lost, truly alone. So many have shared you fate but you can never find them properly, for they always trying to run, always trying to hide.
The only thing that can truly save you, the only thing that can truly find you and pull you from the never-ending darkness- is love.
The sentence triggered again in my mind. Should I obey? Or should I run away from a life of fear and obedience?
I understood, then, what it was that Nada had been speaking about. Should she obey death, accept the fact that she might have died? Or should she run, run back to her life of comfort? Nada would never give up, I knew, she was hanging on.
So many options, so many questions and little-to-none answers. I realised, then, that Nada had to find it for herself and that I could not change her mind.
I was worried about the snow; about the Hyouga tribe.
They could make it snow again and my blood could be spilt.
History always repeats itself.
But I couldn’t let that happen, not to Nada. The perfect snow would be ruined, just like her perfect self. I wouldn’t allow it.
Our first day within the centre of the Complex was ending fast. The sea was swallowing the cloudy red sky and spilling out the darkness of the night.
However, it was only a while until bloodshed.
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I wouldn’t let that happen, not to her, not to Nada. I wanted to yell out her, tell her I loved her.
Yet that would not happen- and death would not find me.
I closed my eyes and braced my arms around my head, letting the small strands of hair down from their ties. I felt it brush past my hands and then down my neck and shoulders.
When I was five, the world had seemed different. Not troubling. Perfectly at peace with itself; there was no danger whatsoever.
Something I’ve learned:
Love is a danger.
It is a torment, and a pain.
It’s something you can’t always trust, but you have to anyway.
It’s a very confusing matter. Knowing this, I walked into a difficult knot with only one way to untangle it.
But that could end with me falling through the cracks.
I clicked my tongue and swung on the rustic iron chair, letting the brisk air of evening fill my lungs.
****
The tears kept coming. They wouldn’t stop. The shouting kept coming; the words kept flying towards me.
No, no, no, it isn’t happening, no, no, no, never…
I wanted to run to her. Please, don’t, please…
She told to me to stay, like a dog; and like a dog I obeyed her. There was no longer comfort in the warm bed. I grabbed at the blanket and wrapped it around my face. It will go away, she’ll be back, she promised she’d be back…she promised me.
The tears fell. The door slammed.
I crawled to the end of the bed and looked out of the window to see the girl running, turning every so often and shouting at the door. The dark, long limbs of trees began to envelop her.
She turned, suddenly, towards to end of the lane and looked up to the window, not smiling, not frowning. She waved.
I didn’t follow.
She promised…she promised me…
I looked over to the neatly folded sheets on her bed, heard the howls of anguish from below the stairs and father’s sturdy voice trying to calm her as he grabbed his coat and left.
Helena…
You promised me.
****
Hiruko and Keira finally managed to set up camp, with a small fire blazing in the night. Though the tents that Hiruko managed were slightly slanted, the camp looked fairly comfortable. The stars shone brightly and, once I was out of my memories, I rose to join the rest of them.
The remainder of the night was like the three of them were there, but I didn’t want to know.
Could I have helped the girl? Instead of staying like I did, helpless, stranded and lost… what would have happened if I went after her; ran right behind her to the places we talked about, the places I began to look for her once she was out of reach?
What would have happened if I saved her?
That man…the one in the truck? Would he be with his family, right now? How many children did he have…a wife?
How many were left behind?
And…me?
…
The fate of the world of shadows would be left in the hands of a young girl. A fragile soul; if it was lost, so would be her life. The boy in the Prophecy…
I paused.
Would still be here…
It was a prophecy after all; it gave you a look into the future.
But that meant…
Everyone’s fate was already decided.
That was something I did not like and would not believe.
Even if the Prophecy decided where I would be, it did not decide who I was. That was something I believed; you could decide who you were in life.
Children are always told, “There are two types of people in the world. Good people and bad people. You’ll grow up to be a strong, good boy, won’t you? I just know it.”
But I believe there’s more than that. People can change themselves, just like they can change their fate.
Then why, no matter how hard I tried, why was mine set along this path? Yes, there are good and bad things in this world, yes, there are people told to stop those things that jeopardise the people, but, what if, those people who are always there to protect us…what if they need protecting? What happens when they fall, what happens when they die?
The world keeps moving.
My fate, told to protect this world against those who will hurt us…what if I didn’t want to? What would happen if I said to Hiruko, “No”? I don’t think my fate could be changed, all except for the little ending that was yet to be written. We could win or we could lose.
And if I fell, other people would rise to stop them.
If we needed protecting, others would offer protection.
If I wanted to change my fate, I would have done so already.
None of this was bothering me in that sense. All of this was bothering me because of Nada.
Nothing could happen to her.
My grip tightened around Senshi, pulling the sword into my side. Nothing would happen to her.
The fire crackled softly as Hiruko told peculiar stories of his time as the 2nd Division General and slowly, as the night drew on each one of us waved farewell to sleep.
It was Hiruko who finally decided to rest, having debated with himself whether to hunt in the summer breeze or not.
“Stay up as late as you want, boy, just don’t complain about getting up nice and early,” he had meowed, padding away smartly to the bow of the oak tree.
I hadn’t really paid any attention to the events of the night, lost in thought of both Nada and Helena.
I wondered…what had happened to her…?
In fact, I began to wonder about a lot of things… the fight; that pure dread as she fell in battle.
Even that would be graceful.
I knew that I didn’t want to die alone. I knew I should be telling her that I harboured feelings for her, thought I would hurt her.
I knew she was the person I wanted to leave my heart with.
Letting the fire burn away to ash, I wandered down to the hill that overlooked the water, and while I felt the stubborn pang of weariness overcome me, I had no intention of sleeping.
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