《Phenomena the Basic Witch and The Mind Safari》Chapter Five: Auspicious Auditions
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Mena was silent, but a grimace on her face showed that she knew the dream exploration was a bad idea. “So, what happened to me?”
Roy G Bivion answered in his usual lackadaisical way. “You were screaming and spazzing out on the floor. Screaming ‘don’t eat me mother, don’t eat me mother…all while I was thinking ‘don’t sue me, don’t sue me.’”
“I don’t get it…” Mena muttered. “Why was Anguish in my head?
Stellaris and Roy exchanged uneasy glances. “Wait a minute dear,” Stellaris said. “Repeat that again. Anguish was in your head?”
She glared daggers at Bivion. “What exactly did you do to her?”
Bivion giggled nervously as the six-foot tall, buff woman loomed over him
“I merely let the chickadees see what their innermost thoughts looked like. Their purest essence.”
Bivion held up his hands defensively as he gave a disclaimer “Mr. R. G. Bivion is not responsible for whatever lies in their feminine minds.”
“Stella…” Mena pleaded, her face feeling cold. “What does that mean? Why is Anguish in my innermost thoughts?”
Stellaris swallowed hard, her radiant skin paling.
Mena waited for a response that seemed to take an eternity to come out.
“I don’t know, dear,” Stellaris said at last.
“Does anyone know?” Mena implored them.
Stellaris dabbed a bit of sweat off her neck. After hemming and hawing, she said. “Gemini. But I know he’s unreachable now.”
It was Mena’s turn to be silent. Thoughts overflowed in her mind like a spilled potion. Anguish had said her blood was one in the same. Did this mean…?
“Is my mother my purest essence?” she squeaked. “Do I have the potential to become like her?”
Bivion giggled again. “Looks like you’ve got quite an interesting essay for your homework. One worthy of a true analyst. Zigmund Feud would have a field day with you, Mena.”
Mena whimpered, causing Stellaris to stomp angrily towards Bivion. “You’re not helping things Roy.”
Mena had to take her mind off this somehow. “Stella, what time is it?”
“Quarter to four, dear. Almost time for the play tryouts.”
Mena put on her brave face. “I’m gonna try out for it.”
Stellaris kindly smiled. “Are you sure you’ll be well enough for that honey?”
“Physically,” Mena said. “I’m fine. Mentally, maybe not, but I really gotta forget this all happened.”
“Well,” Stella said, “You better hurry. You’ve only got ten minutes.”
“Dart rats, Mena swore to herself. “I never even got to practice for my role as Julianna.”
“Well, I’ll be down the hall with Electra if you need me,” Stellaris said, heading for the door. “And remember Mena. Don’t push yourself.”
“Thanks professor,” Mena said, though she was still worried about her performance and her purest essence.
“Will you be joining us, headmaster?” Stellaris asked from the door.
“Sorry my dear,” Bivion responded. “I’ve got some business to attend to”—his eyebrows flicked and his glasses gleamed—”Psychedelic business.”
The madman gave another ‘ee hee hee’ and vanished into a cloud of rainbow smoke.
Mena glanced over at her mother’s script, which remained on her infirmary bed with the rest of her books. She let out a short breath. “If my mother is indeed my purest essence or something close to it,” Mena remarked. “Maybe her theatrical talent will rub off on me, at least.”
After checking out, Mena headed to the Sky Theater, as it was called. It was a place she had not ventured since most announcements and meeting were held in the Cloud Hall. But once she entered it, she found herself dazzled by the school yet again.
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It was dark and cavernous like a concert hall, with elegantly molded amphitheater ledges overlooking a host of seating for a grand attendance. The stage was framed by a magnificent oil painting of a cliffside skyline at the break of dawn. An orange sun glowed upon the murky blue ocean. At least forty or fifty student lined themselves in the aisle and many of the teachers were there too. In addition to the top thespians, Stellaris and Electra, there was Caligari sitting in a dark shroud, Scalia, with an ever present bucket of water who waved enthusiastically to the young witch, (she was apparently really that Mena was helping her keep her job) and even the mole-like Professor Apo Carrie, tunned out from his potions dungeon to watch the scene.
Mena saw Janus waiting with Tal, and she ran to greet them. Tal was wearing a rather dashing ruffled shirt and dark leather pants “Hello Mena,” Janus said with a chipper inflection. “So happy to see you aren’t pushing up daisies.”
Mena gritted her teeth and frowned. “Don’t ever mention daisies again…Janus.”
“Sure,” Janus giggled. “I won’t ask. But I will ask this fellow why he’s in such a fabulous dress.”
Janus pointed at a male student coming down the aisle. He sported a lacey corset and an olden day style dress that brushed along the floor. His voice was high, but utterly confident in his appearance. “Why my dear skellybones,” he guffawed and whipped out a fan. “I’m auditioning to be fair Julianna. This is a Grasspeare play after all. I can try out for any role I desire. Plus…”—the boy removed a pair of lip gloss from his corset. “It gives me an excuse to give a big smooch to Prince Handsomeboy.”
Tal looked mortified. He immediately seized Mena and shook her with a manic look. “Mena, you NEED to be my Julianna. You MUST”
Mena was shaken so hard she became dizzy. “Please, Tal. Of course...but you need to stop. My brain was already upside down once today.”
“Sorry,” Tal laughed nervously.
Following the boy, Ashlan marched down the aisle. She sported a tunic and tight shorts. There was a rapier in a holster on her belt. “Who’re you being, Ash?” Mena slurred weakly.
“Oh me?” Ashlan laughed. “I am going to be Romulus. Do I not look like a Romulus to you? My thespian roots allow me to be flexible with the roles I play.”
“That’s cool,” Mena smiled, finally coming to. She didn’t mind Ashlan being Romulus. But come on, she thought, Prince Tal was so bewitching with his dark brooding looks and mannerisms. He HAD to be her Romulus.
After catching a sight of each other’s outfits, Tal and Ashlan glared at each other. “Too bad, Lionesss,” Tal said. “I know tragedy like the back of my head. I will be Mena’s Romulus.”
Ashlan gave an obnoxious, haughty laugh that sounded like “oh-ho ho.”
“I may not know personal tragedy,” she said, “But I am a classically trained method actor. You are not, Gloomy Gus.
Tal flicked his dark locks. “I hate to inform you, but I don’t need to be a thespian to perform this role. I am tragedy embodied. I don’t need to act when my pain is real.”
Both Mena and the male Julianna watched as they argued. Upon hearing Tal’s words, the male Julianna fanned himself and remarked, “Boy, and I thought I was a real drama queen.”
Heat sizzled between the eyes of both wannabe Romulus’ and they only stopped when May ran in, puffing and panting. “May, what are you doing here?” Mena asked. “I thought you didn’t want to be in the play, since you know they’ll put you as some comic relief character.”
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May rested her hands on her sweaty thighs. “I forgot. Mummy would’ve wanted me to be in the play. I cannot disappoint her.”
Mena applauded her stout friend excitedly. “I’m proud of you, May. You’re thinking beyond what the critics and meanies think, and rather… what the most important people think.”
“Exactly,” May said with a big, round smile. “Mummy would be proud of me.”
Stellaris tapped her baton like a conductor on the back of the chair. “Attention everyone. I’d like to tell you how we’re going to proceed. I will call your names in alphabetical order. You can either tell me a role you’d like to play, or we can assign you one based on your acting talent…”
“Or lacktheof…” Electra muttered, causing Stellaris to roll her eyes.
“Oh great,” Mena muttered. “I’m basically last. I’m Willow.”
“At least you got time to practice,” Janus nudged her.
“We will call you up in an orderly fashion,” Stellaris said, “And…”
“BILLY BONES,” Electra snapped. “Get your rear up here.”
The fedora wearing skeleton made his way up to the top of the stage. Standing in the spotlight, he winked at Janus, causing her to make a gagging sound. He was wearing a trench coat rather than his usual suit. Mena thought it was something that probably provoked Janus’ gag reflex.
“Ladies and gentletons,” Billy Bones announced in a nasally voice. “I would like to play for you, a Lantern Valley hit song, “These Bones Are Made For Walkin’” on my very own pair of xylobones.”
“This is for you, Janus,” Billy Bones snorted.
He reached into his trenchcoat, produced a pair of mallets, and then with a wide grin tore open his trench coat. People shrieked and averted their eyes, but what Bones had revealed was nothing but his skeletal rib cage.
“I didn’t know this was that kind of performance,” Janus muttered.
He tilted over sideways and began to play a tuneful song on his ribcage. Mena thought it sound very much like a marimba in the band room.
“Excuse me, Billy,” Stellaris said, clearly annoyed by his antics. “This isn’t a musical. Do you have any acting abilities?”
Before he could answer, Electra immediately cut in. “You know, I think Billy hear would be perfect Romulus’ cousin, Bonevolio. He’s deceased and come back from the dead to help guide Romulus.”
Billy Bones put his hands on his skeletal pelvis. “Excuse me,” he demanded in his nasal voice. “Are you trying to typecast me? Because I’m a skeleton?”
“Do you want in or not?” Electra demanded.
“If it means getting close to Janus Harvestar,” Billy Bones snickered. “Then yes.”
“Excuse me,” Stellaris shouted. “He didn’t even audition…”
Electra clapped, and thunder interrupted Stellaris. “You’re in. Or at least, after we audition everyone else…”
“May Cumberson?” Stellaris asked, moving on.
May followed Billy Bones onto the stage. Her armpits had gotten stinky from nervous sweating and Mena smelled the stench all the way from the audience. She was about to open her mouth when Stellaris shouted, “You’d be perfect for Julianna’s nurse maid…” and the sun professor added, “She’s very dowdy.”
Electra turned her head in shock, but Stellaris closed her eyes and smiled. “If you can type-cast, Electra, so can I…”
May left the stage with a dimpled smile. “Oh well, at least mummy would be proud of me.”
As several others were called up, Mena began to read over the script, but her mind was so fumbled and jumbled from what had transpired before. It was hard to get in that pure-hearted Julianna mindset.
“Drat rats,” Mena muttered. “I’m certainly no thespian”
“Nonsense,” Ashlan grinned and nudged her. “Everyone’s got potential to be a thespian. You simply need to come out as one.”
“Easier said than done,” Mena murmured.
In the meantime, Janus climbed up on the stage when her name was called and gave everyone her best Taylor Hamlet impression. She removed her skull and held it mourningly in her hand. “Alas poor me,” Janus bemoaned. “I knew me.”
“That wasn’t even from the right play,” Electra spat.
“Eeee, you’re so morbid,” Stellaris clapped excitedly. “Perfect for a member of the church who is going to help a young girl poison herself.”
Janus was so happy she accidentally dropped her head. “Oops, got a bit ahead of myself there.”
“Gah,” Mena growled, wringing her hands. “This wording in Grasspeare plays is so difficult. I sure hope there’s a Zap Notes version for his.”
“Ahem, ew…” Ashlan said. “You use Zap Notes, Mena? I’m such a thespian, I always look for more archaic translations of these plays.”
More people went ahead until at last, Ashlan O’Ryan was called.
As she mounted the stage, everyone murmured about her costume. “If you haven’t guessed by my attire,” Ashlan said with a haughty sneer. “I will be auditioning for Romulus and the scene I will be doing is when Julianna first captures Romulus’ poor heart.”
“A bold choice,” Stellaris said. “Both in role and in scene. Go ahead.”
Ashlan closed her eyes and then dramatically reached up in the air. “Who is that girl who shines in the night,” Ashlan said, directing her hand to her chest. “The steel on her teeth gleams in such a way that diamonds are jealous. Those thick eyebrows are like caterpillars about to transform into the most beautiful of butterflies… Her words tickle wit’s chin with their repetitious quality.”
“Gee..” Mena remarked scratching her head. “This sounds strangely familiar.”
“After the last dance,” Ashlan gasped. “I shall bless my hairy hand by touching hers. Did I love before her, nay. I have not seen true beauty until this very night.”
Everyone applauded heavily over Ashlan’s performance. Even Mena was amazed. All the teacher stood up with the sole exception of Electra. She was much too busy pouting like a child. Ashlan bowed and left the stage.
“Wowie zowie, that’s going to be heard to top,” Mena said to Tal. But the fury in Tal’s eyes led Mena to believe he still had a whole different approach.
After a few more auditions, it was Tal’s turn.
In his shadowy suit, Tal announced. “I’m to be Romulus. And the scene I’m performing is when the titular character is about to drink the poison and be with his dear Julianna for all eternity.”
“Very good,” Electra said. “Knock em dead. Or even better, knock yourself dead.”
Tal was silent. Everyone watched as authentic tears trickled down his cheeks. They shined in the dim lighting.
“Julianna,” he said, getting on one knee. “Why must you have chosen death as your friend, instead of me.”
“That’s vaguely insulting,” Janus said wryly.
Tal threw up his hands. “Death…frolicking together with her on some dim playground. Allow me to join you too. Together we shall ride the slide of death as we plummet into infinite blackness.”
Tal clutched at his chest. “As we fall together, allow me one more feel, allow me to gaze into those chestnut eyes once more, and with my lips, I will experience our last passionate kiss.”
Tal gazed into a far-away netherworld. “Then we shall sing ring-around-the-posy and all fall down.”
Tal fell backwards and collapsed on the stage.
Some of the girls and the male Julianna swooned. Most of the boys looked annoyed. Mena popped her foot up excitedly. “Wowie-wow-zowie, he was so good.”
“Meh,” Ashlan muttered.
The whole room clapped again. “That’s my boy,” Electra said proudly.
After two stunning performances, Mena had barely even learned what ‘art’ meant and how it didn’t mean a painting kit. “Miserable Magicaps,” Mena moaned as she rolled through the script one more time.
“Phenomena Willow?”
At last, her name was called.
She was about to walk onward to utter humiliation when a scrawling in the back of her script caught her eye. “Is your Grasspeare a bit ‘oh dear?’ Arabelly Bookwitch has the perfect solution for you. Try this self written spell in Iambic Spellometer:
“Tragedies, comedies and sonnets. Cram the entire works of Grasspeare beneath my bonnet.”
Mena’s heart charged in her chest. A newfound solution…But…It was written by Anguish.
Her mind raced through the outcomes.
What if this made her truly part of Anguish the minute she used it? But Stellaris had said it was a regular old script book, wasn’t it? Last semester, Mena had found herself brainwashed by a seemingly ordinary book. She certainly didn’t want a repeat of last time, did she?
“Everything alright?” Stellaris called out to her.
This was it. It was do or die, Mena thought. She desperately wanted to be in this play and be Tal’s starcrossed love forever and ever.
She closed her eyes and chanted before approaching the stage.
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