„The illusion of a love is the death of a soul that turns into ashes after the breakup”

„She’s so small,” Mrs. Huntington murmured, sitting on the bed and watching the little girl’s asleep face. „And so unhappy. Just like her mother, for… Eva also remained without her mother at such a young age.”

„Orphan?” Brian asked in amazement after turning toward the old woman and staring at her when, till then, he had stood in front of the window, arm-crossed on his chest and looking at the heavy rain from outside that was running a rig with the autumn leaves, that were lacking bright color and were almost lifeless. Then, he took a few steps toward the bed, also sat down on it, and he also looked at the asleep face of his daughter, who was like an angel to him, sent from the sky. „I think you’re wrong saying this, Mrs. Huntington, for Eva is with us now, alive, and healthy, thank God, despite the difficult labor.”

„She’s here and she isn’t, Mister Beneath. Let’s not forget this,” the old lady said kindly, without watching him. Then, Alice touched the little girl’s cheeks, caressing them for a long time. „I still remember Eva, on her first days after her birth: she was so alike to this small creature - so tiny, so innocent, so undefended. Yet, even if they are so alike, physically, they have something different too, in their destiny.”

„Like?” asked Brian, touching the girl’s little hand, who, in her sleep, squeezed his finger as if being afraid to lose him. Then, the girl gurgled, with her eyes closed, moved a little bit and, so soon, she fell again asleep, listening to the kind words spoken by Alice, that was whispering to her to calm down. Only when the girl fell again asleep, did Mrs. Huntington say, without watching Brian:

„That she has a loving father while Eva didn’t have one.”

„Yet, Alfred Stonebridge took Eva from your home and took care of her. And… even if he did this in his own way, she grew up next to him.”

Alice bitterly smiled: „rather, she took care of himself, not to be alone and… maybe to have part of Lyre Walker’s fortune too.”

„Of Lyre Walker’s fortune? Why do you say that? As far as I know, Lyre Walker has never been interested in his granddaughter and he never saw her.”

„And here you are wrong, my lord, for… Lyre Walker crossed the threshold of my house, after Helen’s death,” and Mrs. Huntington finally looked at Brian for the first time since she entered that room.

Brian instead was so confused, for he didn’t ever think that Lyre Walker could have forgiven his daughter.

„And you are again wrong, Mister Beneath,” said Alice as if reading his thoughts. „Lyre Walker never met Helen while she was still alive. He came only after finding out of her death.”

„After her death? Do you mean that he went to her grave and asked her for forgiveness?”

„No. That man doesn’t know what sorrow means or how to ask for someone’s forgiveness. Per contra: he came to my house to make sure that he had a problem minus in his life, and he came there only after receiving the fourth letter that I’ve sent him: the first three informed him about the difficult situation in which Helen was, but he ignored them while the fourth told him about her death. Namely, the fourth letter was the one that turned his footsteps toward my house. And… I still remember the moment I opened the door then and, with cold eyes, as if he was the king of the cold realms, he asked me: „where is the dead one?” and Alice again bitterly smiled: „as if he had asked: where did you put the salt?”

„What about Eva? Did he see the girl then?”

„No, he didn’t even inquire about her. He walked straight into the room where Helen was sleeping, forever. But… what he told then to the creature that had so much longed to see him once again before death and who was lifeless lying at that moment in front of him - I don’t know, for… right after entering that room, he closed the door, asking not to be disturbed. And… to be honest, I didn’t enter after him, for I thought that at least the fact that he’ll see his girl lifeless, lying on that bed, will melt his heart with pity and he’ll take care of his granddaughter. But… I’ve been so wrong thinking so, for… ten minutes later, he left my house without asking even about Eva, without even looking back. He only gave me a few golden coins then, to take care of Helen’s funerals, only asking me to be something decent and then he left. After that, seeing that Eva wasn’t a creature to be loved by Lyre Walker, I sent another letter, to Alfred Stonebridge this time, a few days after Helen’s death, for… I really didn’t know what to do with Eva. And… you don’t even know how much I regret till nowadays that I’ve sent that letter.”

„Why? Because Alfred sold Eva later to the „Red Ants?”

„No. For everything that happened after that: that she grew up alone, that she hadn’t a mother by her side, that… nobody ever taught her to love and… to receive others’love like a gift and not like a necessity.”

„Yet… I consider that Eva can love. Not that it is something right to talk with you about it, but… I know how strong can love her heart.”

Alice again bitterly smiled, looking into Brian’s eyes: „you’re so naive, Mister Brian, and I don’t know if your naivety is born in your heart like a father’s love or a husband’s love, for… I don’t know why, but I consider you as being Eva’s partner, or your naivety is something due to your past too, like an undesired effect, for you, as Eva, grew up alone, somehow savagely, like a rose of rare beauty, but whose thorns deeply cut the hand that tries to caress them and to make them soft at touch.”

Then, Mrs. Huntington kept silent and smiled when the girl’s eyes widely opened and looked at her wrinkled face. The girl instead didn’t cry, but sketched a smile, in her way, as if trying to tell the world that she receives it in her heart with good and bad. And, minutes only after tenderly looking at the girl, Alice asked: „what name did you choose for her?”

„None, for the moment, for… I want to name my child with a name that her mother will love too while being next to us. For… it’ll be a name that both parents should whisper with love for a whole life. I think.”

„Then… try to talk to Eva about this. I don’t think she won’t listen to you. At least for the girl’s sake.”

Brian instead smiled, feeling that pain in his heart so intense: „she doesn’t even want to see us. I don't think that talking to me or choosing together a name for the girl will be something she’ll like.”

„But… did you at least try this?” Alice asked in disbelief.

„I tried,” Brian sadly answered. „But… it didn’t work, for… as she sees my face, she yells at me to get lost in front of her and to never turn back. That’s why I preferred to give her some space, a time to think about this… to analyze what’s going on and to make a decision.”

„And here is where I think you’ve been wrong, Mister Beneath, for not always the time is the best ally. Sometimes, it can be the worst enemy, especially when in one’s heart lives the mistrust, the fear to lose everything, the anger of being once abandoned, and… I’m so afraid that Eva finally found out that you lied to her and that while you’ve been with her, you had a wife, waiting for you, in your home.”

Brian winced: „do you think so?”

„I suspect this. At least. Anyway: we’ll find this out soon,” Alice said, taking the girl into her arms and heading toward the door.

Brian also stood up, right away, and turned toward the door, looking somehow scared behind the old lady and at his daughter: he was scared of Eva’s reaction and that she could do something to the girl in a moment of madness. „I think that’ll be better to see Eva first and then to take the girl. I don’t know how she can react and…”

Without watching him while touching the doorknob, Alice said: „the snake is also a mother, Mister Beneath, and she never hurts her baby even if she’s in the power of the hunting madness. The same happens to Eva: she’s like a snake now, hurt by the time and by humans. But even so, somewhere, deep inside her heart, the maternal love is still hidden and, even if she refuses to take care of the girl eventually, she won’t ever hurt her. If you don’t trust her, at least trust me.” Then, Alice opened the door and exited the room.”

When the door noisily closed behind the old lady, Brian returned to his previous place, in front of the window, but even if his eyes seemed focused on the autumn play with the outside world, he still heard Alice’s footsteps, barely heard touching the wooden floor while heading toward a so well-known place by his heart: Eva’s room.

***

And are wet those cheeks, red because of the freckles, and are sad those eyes that shed bitter tears while watching the distance, as is tormented that soul while lives those moments, alike to a seagull that flies above the tormented sea. And those watery eyes and those cheeks, painted in a bright brown are of Beth, who was standing in front of the stable’s door at that moment, looking at the distance that was bathed by the tears of the world’s soul.

She winced eventually and wiped her eyes of tears, looking elsewhere when she heard footsteps approaching her. But she hadn’t why to look toward where those footsteps were coming to know whose they were. Her heart knew very well that they were Stan’s footsteps that were approaching her, even if what Beth’s heart wanted at that moment was to be left alone, weeping her bitter solitude and that sadness of which she wasn’t that sure anymore why did it sneak into her soul.

And she once again winced, feeling something cold touching the skin of her palm, and when she squeezed that cold object, plentifully bathed by the cold raindrops, she understood that Stan put an apple in her hand.

„What’s this?” Beth asked surprised, in half a voice, looking at the young man that was happily smiling while having his left arm stretched in front and washing another apple in that sadness of the autumn that was sprinkled from the sky.

„A royal apple,” the boy said smiling. „It’s good for the soul,” he made another joke, trying to cheer her up. But he only managed to make her get a miff.

„You’re not taking anything seriously,” said Beth, making a wry mouth and looking elsewhere, miffed.

Stan instead smiled again, but this time a little bit confused. But… without thinking so much about this, he shrugged and deeply bit his apple. „Your problem,” he cheerfully said. „It wasn’t more than a simple friendly gesture.”

„A gesture that is actually mindless in such moments,” Beth said harshly.

„Why?”

„Huh, don’t you know what’s happening in this house?! You know very well that Miss Stonebridge refuses to see her girl and Mister Brian. How can you be so careless?”

„Careless? Me?” Stan asked, confused.

„Yes, you, for as Mister Beneath’s teamster you should care more about what happens in this house and, even if you don’t care about anything, you should at least pretend to be so, for appearance's sake, at least.”

„And? What to do if I can’t pretend?” he innocently asked. „I can only say the truth, and if others don’t like it, then it’s their problem only.”

Beth frowned again. „This means you have a selfish heart if you don’t care about others’problems.”

„Per contra, I think so, for… what’s more valued than having a sincere heart in such moments? And I think I won’t ever change that. Actually, I don’t even want to change this ever, for… I like my sincerity; I like to say what I think and to be appreciated for who I am and not for pretending.”

Beth wanted to say something, but Stan continued his thought, without giving the girl the chance to at least make a sound: „and… what goes with your accuses of being selfish about others’problems, allow me to tell you that you’re wrong, for… there’s one thing to feel for someone in harsh moments and to help him in everything you can, and another thing is to live his pain as being yours. Something that I consider selfish and unfair, by the way.”

„Unfair? Why?” wondered Beth, frowning again, for she didn’t really understand what Stan meant, and she also disagreed with what he said.

„Because… nobody will live my pain, eventually,” and Stan sketched a bitter smile, which seemed so innocent at the same time in that weak light of the grey sky that was sprinkling with metallic drops everywhere. „As nobody will live your life, actually,” he said, looking in the distance while chewing his apple.

Beth crossed her arms on her chest, miffed a lot, and turned her back on him. „Nice of you for knowing everything,” she mumbled, staring at the yellow leaves, abundantly fallen on the ground and which were also jerking a little bit in the air while being touched by the rain drops and by the divine gust of a playful wind that appeared there from nowhere and which made nature seem like caught into a romantic tango of the weather.

But… something happened to Beth while staring at that play of the leaves, of the rain, and of the autumn: she calmed down, her lips sketched a smile, unwillingly, for even if she wasn’t aware of this, her innocent soul was longing for love, for peace, for beautiful views, and she didn’t want for sure to last long in that cold embracement of the strong arms of sadness.

Actually, this was something that made Beth and Eva so different: they had not only different physical, but they also have different manners of dealing with sadness. While the pain was almost always kneeling Eva and making her suffer a lot, Beth could each time forget about it, falling prey to dreaming, as if thinking of the problems for a long time would have been a big punishment for her.

Eventually, also unwillingly, she put the apple to her mouth and deeply bit it: „so sweet… and so bitter,” she murmured, in the end, staring at the juicy bit, left on that reddish-golden surface of the apple.

„As life is,” Stan cheerfully told her and, turning his back on her while strangely smiling, as feeling himself triumphantly, he entered the stable, for, left alone, he had to also do Bardain’s job, and there was still a lot to do in that stable that an entire day wouldn’t have been enough to finish everything.

Actually, that was his way of spending time, for he loved to work, it made him feel important, that he was alive, and… he had understood eventually what he had missed so much while being a beggar: not only having a shelter above his head or having someone next to him but to have what to do, for… it’s so difficult the life of the one who has nothing to do.

Behind him, left alone with the autumn and with its game, Beth kept eating her apple in silence. Then, when, from the house, the sad music of the piano was heard, a piece of music that not only tormented the soul of those who were listening to it with its sad notes but which was also revving it, awakening it from melancholy, from sweet jerks inside, Beth looked toward the house.

And… not only Beth seemed to like that music: the autumn, as if it also understood those notes played by the piano, started to rhythmically dance on the wet ground, holding the invisible hands of the yellow leaves and making them spin in circles above the ground.

***

That piano music, so intensely played by Brian, was so sweetly resounding in Eva’s room too, who was in the bed at that moment, in a sitting position, and watching past Alice, who was also sitting on the bed, somewhere to her right and slowly rocking the little girl that fell asleep in her arms.

„It’s too bad that you reject this child, Eva,” Alice told her eventually, without watching her, and Mrs. Huntington’s words made Eva slowly wince and look elsewhere as if she was stubborn to never look at the girl that she brought to life, who was so sweetly gurgling at Alice’s chest and telling her that she needs her mother so much.

„You also grew up without a mother, Eva. You also know well what this feels like. That’s why I think that you do wrong, doing the same to your baby.”

„A child born in sin,” Eva eventually murmured and two tears flowed down her cheeks, tears that Eva let flow while her hands hardly squeezed the blanket that was covering her feet.

„This means you finally found out that Brian Beneath and Sophie Anderson Bell had been married until recently,” the old lady said, without looking at her. Alice’s words instead made Eva look at her while frowning.

„Did you know this?”

„Of course, I knew,” Alice told her, self-confidently, and finally looked at Eva. „Actually, I think that the only one who didn’t know this was you, Eva. Aaa, and Beth, who is as naive as you are.”

„And yet, you said nothing about this. Even if I lived in your house for a good while,” Eva told her reproachfully.

„It wasn’t my right to talk to you about things that aren’t mine, Eva, and you also know this, for… you know as I do that no one should intervene in someone’s marriage. Not even God does this. Why people should do that then?”

„Yet… I’ve never been his wife. Only his mistress. Probably because of this everybody denied me the right to know such things,” Eva said with bitterness in her voice and again looked elsewhere.

„You’re wrong here, my dear,” the old lady told her calmly. „The role of the mistress is something you chose alone, for… as long as I know, Mister Beneath proposed to you before your baby’s birth. Yet, you refused that proposal.”

„And… how could I have accepted his heart when so much pain our relationship caused?” Eva practically yelled. „Let’s not forget that I hadn’t been a subject of his interest while being in Brighton. He didn’t care about me because he had someone else to be by his side in that period, giving him so much comfort, probably, in my place.”

„And what talks right now instead of you isn’t your mind, but the resentfulness, for… no matter what others tell you right now, you won’t ever believe. But… I’ll say this anyway, even if you don’t want to listen, for I am the only one who can do that without being afraid of hurting you, for I consider that this is what you need right now: life and everything that happens to us it’s even more complex than we think at first glance seeing it, and what you’ve seen then has been only a small part of the reality in which you’ve been and you are still involved. But… you received only the message you wanted, seeing what you’ve seen.”

„And this is again my fault?” Eva said, crying. „I only wanted to love and to be loved. Instead of this, I received only pain and betrayal. Yes, I’ve always been betrayed by the people I cared about. Even you betrayed me eventually by hiding me the fact that Brian and that Sophie Anderson Bell were married while I was dreaming about happiness and a family.”

„And… did you at least ever think about why Brian gave up on his marriage eventually? At a marriage so profitable for him by Sophie Anderson Bell’s side? I thought about it and I found out that truth: it has been for you and for the child, for… if he wanted only the baby, as you probably repeat all the time in your head to make sure that it is true what you want to think or maybe what others made you think, he would have continued his marriage with her and he would have only taken the baby from you, for Sophie Anderson Bell can’t give him a child while Brian Beneath wanted to be a father so much. You instead, would have remained his mistress and he would have managed to perfectly keep you by his side while lying to you. Even he could have taken you out of England, telling you that this is the best for your relationship and you wouldn’t have found out ever about his marriage. He instead fought against the whole world to get that divorce, and to get it, he had to be the ally of the enemy: Beatrice Evans.”

Eva winced, hearing the name of the „rival.” Yet, when her eyes stopped on the girl’s face that was so sweetly smiling in her sleep, she didn’t look elsewhere as she did before, but kept staring at her, for minutes in a row, listening to what Alice told her after this.

„Maybe it’s easier for you to martyr yourself, Eva, and to ask for the payment from everybody that made you suffer. Yet, I consider this unfair, to think that you’re the only one that suffered and suffers. Brian Beneath also suffers and maybe more than you now, with your refusal to see him and your baby.”

„Yet: I can’t accept them!” Eva sadly murmured, closing her eyes for a few seconds.

„Why? Because of the resentfulness? If so, take your time, think about everything, chew that resentfulness that you have in your mind and in your heart, break them into pieces and throw the rest away, keeping only the lessons learned after living such unpleasant events. Then… just walk away, with your head up, for… you have the chance to change that status of a mistress and to become a wife, Eva, living a full life next to the family you chose to create, giving birth to this creature.”

„You don’t even imagine how much I want this,” Eva murmured, barely heard, still with her eyes closed, minutes later. „But… if I do that, they will be both in danger, and I can’t allow this,” and her eyes focused eventually into the old woman’s eyes, who was looking amazed and confused at her, at the same time, not understanding what Eva meant.

Eva kept silent instead: for a long while, a time when her eyes analyzed each trace of her baby, the one she seemed to have rejected because of hatred. But there were so many hidden secrets there, secrets that could kill the dear people for her, secrets that she couldn't tell anybody.

Yet, Alice decided not to give up, and, approaching Eva more, she put the baby in her arms. And the girl moved in her sleep, feeling her mother’s arms touching her body, and, for the first time, she guggled, looking for the warm breast, full of life-giving milk, also in her sleep.

And Eva cried: a lot, touching her baby girl’s forehead with her own forehead while the girl’s lips so gently touched her breast, sipping greedily the milk of life from her mother’s body.

Then, when the girl fell again asleep and Eva calmed down, she bent toward Alice and told her those secrets, whispering them into the old woman’s ear, a secret about two people that came to visit her a few days ago, a day before she gave birth to the child. But… Eva asked Alice not to tell anybody those secrets, for too much depended on them.

***

Leaving Eva’s room, two hours later after she entered to see her, Alice Huntington met Brian who was waiting for her in the hall, walking nervously back and forth while feverishly waiting for the outcome of that problem that seemed not to have a solution, at least not in his head.

Seeing her, he approached her right away, asking for answers by looking at her. Alice instead didn’t tell him much. She just put the baby into his arms and whispered: „Eva returns to London with me. Today! And… listen to my advice, Brian Beneath - don’t try to stop her, don’t try to make her change her mind, and don’t scold her. Just gave her some time and she’ll find the way back to you, eventually.”

Then, Alice headed toward the stairs, intending to descend them, leaving Brian thunderstruck, in the middle of the hall, holding his baby to his chest and understanding less than before. Yet, being next to the stairs, Alice stopped, turned toward him, and told him in a whisper: „her name from now on is Laura - a name chosen by her both parents.”

Eventually, the old lady descended those stairs without looking back, for if she had stood there for more, she could have lost the battle with her own soul and she would have told Brian that big secret Eva was hiding from him.

Brian’s eyes filled with tears the moment he heard the entrance door closing behind the woman. Then, looking at the girl that had stuck on his chest, he murmured: „Laura. Laura Beneath!” and his lips kissed for long the girl’s forehead.