„Remorse is a luxury we can’t afford. Especially if we’re living surrounded by darkness”

After Albert’s visit and all the way to London, Brian felt that everything is collapsing over him: the sky, the memories, the past while being so afraid of what may happen from now on. But mostly he was afraid to meet Eva, who had believed that he left the country, accompanied by another woman and that he had abandoned her.

„Are we going to Ms. Alice Huntington’s house?” he heard Bardain’s voice when they entered the city and, watching through the window, he saw the usual bustle on the outskirts.

„No. First, we’ll go with Keen. I must find out if there’s some news.”

„Why? Do you think that man lied to you and Miss Stonebridge isn’t in London?”

„Is not that. Simply…” he wanted to find out if Keen find out something about the things about which Eva had been lied to, things related to him. More than this: he wanted to find out more about Emily Davis, who he had suddenly started to hate, with all his being, and he wanted to get revenge on her. „There’s been a long time without feeling this,” Brian told himself. „I thought this desire of getting revenge died with Alfred Stonebridge, but it seems to me that I was wrong.”

On his way to Keen’s office, he asked Bardain to stop the carriage in front of a tobacco store. Even if he usually wasn’t smoking, Brian felt then the necessity to do this, but he hadn’t any tobacco left.

Bardain jumped off his place, intending to enter the store and to buy, but Brian denied it: „I’ll buy it. Thus, I’ll chase away some bad thoughts,” he said and, on his way to the store’s door, he met Anne Ross. He had been amazed to see her so well dressed and looking like a real lady from the upper-class, for even if he had found out about Chesterman’s new mistress, he never saw her till then and he was remembering her only as of the ex-servant, from Christine Bircham’s house.

After returning the greeting, by slowly bending his head, Brian intended to pass by her, but Anne hurried up and stopped in front of him, forcing Brian to stop too. „A long time without seeing you, mister Beneath,” she said, smiling.

„It seems so,” Brian mumbled and he once again intended to pass by, but the girl took a step aside, hedging up his way.

„The gossip about my relationship with Luis seems to have reached your ears too, but from what I know neither you, nor Luis have good thoughts one for another.”

„This city has its good parts too,” Brian said, ironically and smiled. „Gossip here circles faster than the air,” and this made Anne laugh so hard that the passers-by looked amazed at them, wondering why a man like Brian Beneath, very respectable in the upper-class, stopped to talk to Luis Chesterman’s new mistress, whom he's also considering an enemy, as he considers Chesterman.

„You are also right and … I think there’ll be some new gossip about us, too,” she said, looking around, at all those looky-loos that weren’t losing any detail of their conversation.

„Aren’t you afraid of what…”

„…will Luis say? About me and … you? Not at all because he knows me very well and, more than this, he hasn’t why to doubt: I chose an open place to meet you, right in the middle of the street, where everybody can see us, and not in a hidden place.”

„Did you say „I chose?”

„Right! There’s been a while since I try to meet you and … to get revenge. Let’s say that I had not the chance before, to meet you.”

„To get revenge? On me? For Chesterman?”

„Here you are wrong. I won’t revenge in the name of the one with whom I’m spending some … time. Are others who deserve more to get revenge on them and they also „owe” me a lot for these „pleasant” feelings I have now in my chest. One of these people is Christine Bircham. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.”

„Eva. But I don’t understand how will you get revenge on Christine using Eva. From what I know Eva and Emily Davis left Christine’s house months ago and, since then, they hadn’t been in touch. I think.”

Anne took a few steps toward Brian, but he didn’t move from his place. Only a step from him and staring into his eyes, Anne said: „I know very well this story, and do you know why? Because the night Eva and Miss Davis left that house, my world full of innocence had been broken, into pieces, into a stable, in the arms of a monster, and all these happened thanks to Ms. Bircham’s „kindness” who knew very well what will happen if she sends me in that stable, but she didn’t care about this and she sent me there, doing nothing to help more. More than this, she planned everything very carefully and took care that „event” will happen.”

Brian shuddered, hearing about the abuse suffered by the girl that was standing now in front of him, fighting with her inner demons while forcing herself to smile. But he managed to come back to his senses quickly because he realized that it might be just a story, well-told, and he didn’t want to be fooled again. But Anne continued: „I’m not asking you to believe me. I don’t need this. I’m just … sometimes envy on Eva: she had been your mistress, a man that seems to love her, while me…”

„You are who chose to stay by the side of the same man who destroyed your dreams. And yet: the decision to do this is yours, Miss Ross.”

„And you are right again, but sometimes, to survive, you must swallow bitter pills. I did this: I swallowed my bitter tears and not only once. But … in time … I’ve learned to ignore that taste… which is felt on the top of my tongue when I’m touched by that man and sometimes, I think that I also feel nothing now.”

„Who is speaking to me now is your hatred and not you, Miss Ross, but what I don’t understand is what do you want from me?! I wasn’t aware of what happened and…”

„Help me to get revenge on Christine Bircham.”

„To get revenge? How?”

„Take Eva away from that woman and … stop helping her.”

„It seems to me that you don’t know everything: Eva isn’t next to Christine for a long time already and I’m not helping Ms. Bircham. I think that you also got revenge on her already… for what you experienced when you took Luis Chesterman away from her.”

„And … does it seem enough to you for everything that I lost? Don’t be naive, mister Beneath. The evil they did to me won’t be paid even when they’ll reach the grave. What I’m asking is only to deny her every possible help she’ll ask you. What I’ll do: is trample her under feet for a whole life. Of course, your help won’t be for free.”

Brian took the last step that was separating them and their faces were so close that seemed to touch each other at any moment. But there wasn’t anything romantic in their position: more than this, they were looking at each other with hatred. „I don’t think you have with what to pay me for my help, Miss Ross. And … your body isn’t something that interests me. I and Eva…”

Suddenly, Anne put in his hand a letter, half-squeezed in her hand, which she took out of her purse. „Read those lines, when you’ll be alone, Mister Beneath. What is written there will change your life and … don’t be afraid. It wasn’t me who wrote that letter.”

Saying this, Anne hurried away, feeling how she was shaking with her entire body and that she was about to say more to a stranger, because of her stupidity, about her plans of getting revenge on Luis and Christine.

Brian stared for a while at the young woman that was hurrying away from him, then he looked at the letter: it had small red stains on it because Anne had this letter with her the day she had been raped by Luis.

***

„Dear, mister Beneath,

I’m writing this letter, hoping that one day it’ll reach into your hands and thus you’ll find out about the sweet pain that I’m carrying into my soul…” it was how Eva was starting the letter, which Brian had decided to read while moving in a hurry, along the London streets.

„…your betrayal, with another woman, hurt me a lot. A woman that wasn’t me, but … I understand that I can’t be always by your side and that, from time to time, you need someone else next to you.

This doesn’t mean, at all, that I’m feeling better knowing this and I feel this so deep in my heart, that’s madly beating in my chest right now when I write these lines and I’m thinking about that I leave you, without even seeing your face for the last time. But maybe it’ll be better this way, for both of us, giving us time to think about what’s next because we’ve never been enough decided and opened with each other, and nor we told the other about the secrets, fears, and dreams we kept and keep inside.

Actually, in your arms and touching your chest while being completely naked: of clothes and of feelings, I became a woman, I started to love you and to respect the choices you made. But even so, the fact that you chose another one and not me … it’s something that I can’t understand…”

Brian took his eyes off the letter and looked through the window, at the row of trees that were left behind and it seemed to him that what he’s living now is just a dream and nothing more.

He dreamt so much about Eva all these months, after their break up, but … their break up seems now that didn’t press him that much as it made suffer the woman he loves because of his so-called „betrayal,” in the name of their love, which had been in fact the reason why the ground cracked between them, revealing an abyss whose consequences could be seen till the present.

„Will she forgive me one day? Will she forget what she lived all these months?” Brian wondered, completely overwhelmed by remorse. „If I would have told her then about my plans, but … being afraid not to lose her, it seems that I pushed her even further from me and I’m the one who cracked the land between us. Congratulations, Brian Beneath, you are a real idiot and you considered being experienced in love.”

He caressed the sheet of paper, which he wrinkled, even more, when he squeezed it in his hand and continued to read, but a sudden sigh filled his chest: „…and yet, Brian, even if you betrayed me, I can’t give up to our love… not now, when I feel a new life, forming inside me… the product of our love…”

Finding out about the baby, Brian yelled, distraught: „Faster, Bardain! Spur those horses! We must reach Ms. Huntington’s house, immediately!”

***

Entering in the living room, after pushing Stan aside from his way, who opened the door and then followed him, not understanding what was going on, Brian stopped and looked amazed toward the window, at Eva, who was standing in front of the window, watching outside, and with her back at Brian.

„Eva! Finally!” Brian whispered and approached her, but when to hold her into his arms, Eva suddenly turned toward him and, stretching her hand, she put a distance between them. This unexpected reaction of the girl, made Brian get confused. Eva instead was looking at him with a cold glance as if she looked at an object at that moment and not at the man, she said she loves so much.

„What’s going on, Eva? I thought that…”

„You thought…” she told him, ironically. „And I thought that you are too far from London now. Actually, I knew that you were out of the country… as you wished once…”

„Listen, Eva, I…”

„It doesn’t matter, mister Beneath. Those times, when you had to give me explanations is a long time ago gone… such an unknown past for two of us.”

Eva moved away from Brian and sat down on the sofa. Even if she was shaking, with the whole body, she decided not to betray her emotions because she had decided, a night before, not to allow anybody to trample her under feet and the most important: not to believe anymore in deceitful promises.”

„Mister Beneath…” were echoing continuously the words in Brian’s ears, who had been so amazed, unpleasantly, meeting this new Eva, who wasn’t the one he had known once. „What they did to my Eva?” Brian wondered. „Where had gone her innocence?! I don’t even see life blinking into her glance anymore.”

Eva rose her glance and looked into his eyes, which were moving quickly on the orbits, looking at her face and at her rounded belly, repeatedly: „Why are you here, mister Beneath?” she said, confident in herself.

Brian trembled to his feet. Then, he noticed a chair, not that far from him, crawled toward there and sat down on it, then he supported his head on his palms.

Both stood like this, for minutes in a row, looking for new forces, before a new battle. Then, Brian looked again at Eva, who seemed so calm at that moment. „Let’s go, Eva! Let’s go out of here! You don’t have to live … in someone else’s house.”

Eva burst to laugh. „In someone else’s house? It seems to me that you’ve forgotten already, Mister Beneath: I don’t have a house. Even if I've been the mistress of a wealthy man, I didn’t even get a house. Only… painful memories and a past…”

„And, how do you intend to live? How will you grow up this child?” Brian yelled and his yell made Eva stand up and stare furious at him.

„This child… isn’t your responsibility, mister Beneath. It seems to me bad manners to…”

„This child is mine,” Brian yelled again, also standing up. „As you are mine, Eva. Even if you are acting like this now … and I don’t understand what’s happening to you. I don’t understand why did you change. If this is because of what you saw that day… I … I just…”

„You were with another woman… when you asked me for time… time to think about … something. Instead of it, you spent that time in someone else’s arms.”

„That’s not true. I… Beatrice Evans … we just…”

„Beatrice?! Her name is Beatrice. Wonderful name… and, why should I know this name?”

Brian took a few steps toward her, touched her face with both palms, and forced her to look into his eyes: „because she never took your place next to me. She… is nobody for me.”

„Then… why she was then next to you? Holding your arm? So gently…”

„Eva, please, don’t let your jealousy darken your mind. What you saw is nothing from what you think it is or imagined to be.”

Eva smiled. „If you don’t want me to imagine things, then tell me the truth. Why was she next to you then and why did you chase me away from you, months ago?”

The young woman didn’t even realize that she was passing from a formal talk to an impolite one and that her feelings were changing as fast as the seconds were passing. Brian instead kept silent and only his glance was talking in his place: „I can’t! Not yet, Eva! Give me more time… just a little bit and I promise that…”

Eva pushed him away from her when Ms. Alice and Beth entered the room. „Go, mister Beneath, and forget about my existence. I’ll do the same,” Eva said and left the room.

Brian’s glance met Beth’s, who was staring at him with hatred. „Elisabeth, I…” but the girl turned her back to him and followed Eva.

Brian intended to follow them, but Ms. Huntington hold his hand and forced him to stop. „Take a seat, Mister Beneath. Don’t make this worse… I mean the situation between you and Miss Stonebridge,” she said and she sat down on the sofa, in the same place where Eva’d stood before.

He continued standing, looking through the room, and trying to think things through.

„Come on, Stan! Leave that tray on the table and follow the girls! It’s not good for them to be alone at this moment,” Ms. Huntington said and Stan listened to her right away. Before leaving, the boy looked at Brian, trying to understand how could he hurt that feisty Miss, and from what he understood Beth knew him too. Finally, he withdrew, seeing Ms. Huntington's insistent glance.

Ms. Alice bent over the table and poured tea in the cups. „It seems that your past is always hanging around you, Mister Beneath, and you have a lot to say about that past at this moment,” she said and her calm voice made Brian calm too, sat down on the same chair on which he had sat before, but first he moved it closer to the table.

Without watching him, Ms. Huntington continued her story. „You’re probably wondering where I know you from and so well if I dare to ask you such questions or to intervene in this story and to try to make things work, something that I didn’t eighteen years ago.”

„Eighteen years ago?” Brian watched her confused.

„Yes, you are right. Eighteen years ago, Helen Walker entered this house, after her break up with Alfred Stonebridge, looking for a shelter. She was expecting a baby like Eva is expecting now and like her daughter, she was also scared about the future that was waiting for them, without a man next to them. Actually, we, humans, are fools to think that the future is approaching us and not we are approaching the future because it stays in place and when we reach it, that future first becomes a present and later a past, but even so, we never learn from the past experiences and we are always hitting our forehead of the same wall.”

„But…”

„Eighteen years ago, Helen Walker made a mistake, running away from your father and choosing another man, that she thought she loves. What? Amazed that I know the story? Actually, all these years, after her death, I found out a lot about that past, especially about the tragic destiny they all had. And you know why?”

„Because of Helen’s death?”

„Yes. In this house, she breathed out her last breath, and also here Eva was born and … also from here Helen took with her remorse and a lot of bad memories. Actually, your hatred for Helen Walker is not right, Mister Beneath.”

„I … don’t hate Helen Walker. Actually, I don’t know if I hated her in the past.”

„But you decided to get revenge on her daughter and to make her pay for her parents' mistakes,” and, Brian winced, hearing those words. Ms. Alice instead smiled with kindness. „I don’t blame you. Don’t worry. Maybe in your place, I’ve done the same: eventually, your father killed himself practically in front of you because of a woman. Yes, I know that later you found out that he took that decision due to many other factors, but it was already too late and Eva had already paid for sins she had never known about… entering your bed.”

Brian moved nervously on his chair. „You should be grateful to Helen Walker and Alfred Stonebridge for their betrayal, mister Beneath,” the woman said, staring into Brian’s eyes. „Due to that betrayal, you found out what love is and … life will give you the child you so much dreamt about… with the same woman you considered the perfect object to get revenge. But that child you are expecting mustn’t be hated, but loved… of both of you.”

„For this, he must be with both of his parents, but Eva won’t accept this … to turn back to me. She’s too…”

„She’ll be back if you give her the right time to think carefully and show her the respect and the support she needs at this moment because this child suffered more than you can imagine and it isn’t easy to forget when you don’t know things: a lot of things you are keeping secret from her, Mister Beneath. If you really love her, listen to my advice and leave this house, today, but … don’t even think to get lost somewhere. Of course, if you really want your family back. I’ll wait for you tomorrow, for tea,” the old lady said and stood up, preparing to go. „To be here at the same time as today, mister Beneath, and don’t ask for Eva when you come, but for me. Just gave her time to get used to your presence once again. Then… things will change as you wish,” she said a left the room.

Brian watched behind her for a while. Then, he took his coat, his hat, which he left on a chair when he entered, and then left the house.

***

Getting out of the house, Brian looked toward the place where Eva, Beth, and Stan were… somewhere into the small rose garden.

Eva just glanced at him, then she turned her back to him and moved away, followed by Stan and Beth. Her cold glance hurt Brian’s heart, who just breathed in and left.

„Are you sure you won’t regret this?” Stan asked Eva, but he kept silent, seeing Beth’s piercing glance.

„Remorse is just a luxury we can’t afford, Stan. At least I can’t afford it,” Eva said and headed toward the entrance, intending to hide again from the external world and to think about her dark present.