“I don’t want to have this conversation anymore,” Andrew said anxiously as he looked around the cave. No way there weren’t clothes or something to find nearby. He desperately had to find them– Zachary’s continually decaying ‘equipment’ made him nauseated beyond words, but it was hard to look away, like a car accident. And Margeaux–

“If you fuck me, we will all benefit,” the woman stated matter of factly. “You think I want to fuck you? Jesus. Like I said, this is purely professional. You’ve read my work, right?”

“No,” Andrew lied, running his hands along a portion of the side of the cave that looked a little odd compared to the rest. He wasn’t sure why, it just caught his attention for some reason. “Aha!”

His fingers had caught the edge of a straight line. He traced around it quickly, and then pushed. A shelf popped out of the wall, and inside were, thank god, clothes.

He pulled them out with a triumphant “Yes!!!” that was echoed by Zachary with a wretched moan. A text box popped up in front of him.

+20 Investigation

Level Increased from 1 to 2!

Margeaux just said, “Finally,” and strode forward. She fished around for a moment and snatched a bright red article of clothing that appeared to be more t-shirt than dress, but did, in fact, just barely manage to cover the essentials once she’d put it on. So long as it was pulled down enough to expose some pretty impressive cleavage.

“Go right ahead,” Andrew muttered under his breath as he looked at what was left.

“What?” Margeaux asked, raising an eyebrow. “You wanna wear this? I mean, I’m not opposed, but–”

“No,” Andrew said quickly. “But a thank you would be nice.”

“Thank you,” she said dramatically. “Now give poor Zachary some clothes. He’ll catch his death in this drafty cave– hah!”

Zachary seemed to find this somewhere in the middle of the Venn diagram labeled “funny” and “sad.” He shuffled forward, and his pinky finger fell off. Andrew noted with interest that although that pinky wriggled and writhed on the ground for a few moments, another one was slowly starting to grow back in its original place.

“Interesting,” Andrew said, and pulled out a pair of tattered brown pants. “It seems like you just continually drop bits of your body but never actually lose any of them. I wonder how long the extra bits stay around?”

Zachary reached forward slowly– it couldn’t be easy, fighting rigor mortis– and grabbed the pants, trying to shove his disintegrating and reintegrating legs into them. The whole process was agonizingly slow, and Margeaux went over to help him.

“There you go,” she said matter-of-factly, then turned back to Andrew.

Andrew was holding up the deerstalker cap and shirt of a fully-realized Sherlock Holmes outfit. Still in the cave-drawer was a long Victorian coat and trousers. “Ugh,” he said. “This stuff doesn’t look all that comfortable.”

“It’s not like you have to wear all of it,” Margeaux said impatiently. She came back to Andrew’s side and grabbed the white shirt and trousers. “This should be fine. Before you do, though– you realize if we have sex, I’ll gain XP. It’s the fastest, easiest, most pleasant way to level up ever! And then I’ll gain my own abilities and be of way more use to us all.”

Andrew looked around uncomfortably. “Aren’t your abilities all sex-based?”

“Hah! I knew you’d read my work,” Margeaux said triumphantly, then threw her hands up. “Well, yes, but that’s only not useful if you don’t have a creative mind! Attraction, Mystify, Acrobatics… these are all unbelievably useful skills for any sort of adventure game. It’s just that people only care about reading the porny bits of my work.”

Andrew considered this. She wasn’t wrong– and she wasn’t unattractive. She didn’t exactly look like Vivalia Rex, her main character, but Andrew was glad. He’d be incredibly nervous around a woman who looked like Vivalia. That detail distracted him. “Wait, why don’t you look like Vivalia?”

Margeaux laughed. “It’s going to be really annoying to have a Sherlock type around. First of all, I’m offended. Secondly… that’s the secret of the serial, actually. My little private joke. Everyone assumes they know what Vivalia looks like, because everyone has a stereotype of what the ultimate bombshell looks like. I’ve always imagined Vivalia to look just like me, so I guess here we are.”

The reveal of a private joke, now shared between the two of them, attracted Andrew even more, but he still gulped. “Well, we can’t have sex in front of Zachary. He’s just a kid!”

Zachary groaned his protest, but Margeaux just shrugged. “Well, that’s easy enough to fix.”

She walked over to the zombie and with quick, clawing motions of her hand, popped his eyes out.

“WHAT THE—” Andrew yelled, dropping his shirt and pants on the floor.

Then, with a fierce yank, she proceeded to rip his ears off. She tossed all four offending pieces of Zachary into a pile in the corner.

“Come on, we don’t have much time before they grow back,” Margeaux said. She came up to Andrew and ran a finger down his bare chest.

Andrew gaped in horror, beginning to hyperventilate.

Margeaux grabbed his face in her hands, and looked deep into his eyes. “Hey,” she said softly, sensually. “It’s okay.”

After a couple of deep breaths, Andrew began to calm. Margeaux reached down and grabbed his hand with one of hers, and with the other, she began teasing around his boxer shorts.

“I don’t think I can,” Andrew said.

Margeaux held her hands up. “Hey, look, I’m not going to force you.”

“No, it’s not that I don’t want to,” Andrew said, and to his surprise he found that to be true. “It’s just… there’s a lot going on. I’m not sure I can be all that, ah, responsive?”

Understanding dawned on Margeaux’s face. “Ohhhh. Damn, that makes total sense. Well look– we can do other things, can’t we? Only quickly, because I have no idea how long it’ll take Zachary’s eyes to grow back. ZACHARY, GO SHUFFLE YOUR WAY INTO A CORNER, OKAY? WE’LL JUST BE FIVE MINUTES.”

“Can he hear without his ears?” Andrew wondered.

Margeaux sidled up to him, hands on his hips. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his ear lightly, and whispered, “Who cares?”

Andrew didn’t, not at that moment. “I, uh–”

“Yes, keep talking,” Margeaux said. “I love the accent.”

“What accent?” Andrew asked, and then realized he must sound British to everyone else. In his own head, his American accent still reigned. Kind of a pity, that.

He wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted him to do— it had been more time than Andrew wanted to admit since he’d been intimate with a woman. It seemed like the kind of thing that you needed to practice to be any good at. Could he even find her–

A metaphorical lightbulb went off.

Use Skill: Investigation

+20 Investigation!

+20 Investigation!

+20 Investigation!

With each XP increase, Margeaux moaned and laughed in delight and surprise.

Level Increased from 2 to 3!