Mona LeCroix

Programing Dept.

The Network Interoffice Memorandum #4517442

Tuesday, September, 23, 2025

To: Brad Vaughn, HR Dept.

From: Mona LeCroix, Programing

RE: Serpientes y Escaleras, and this evening’s loss of San Antonio, Texas

ISSUE

The unexpected termination of the Network’s popular show, Serpientes y Escaleras (and the unfortunate eradication of the city of San Antonio—with the associated and unavoidable loss of that city’s TV viewing audience) will necessitate the quick action of all departments here at the Network.

(Parenthetically, I need to make it clear that Serpientes y Escaleras has not yet been officially canceled, but as we have never seen a production continue after a similar incident—you will recall the catastrophe that ended Ripcord Follies—we will go ahead and work as if Serpientes y Escaleras has been canceled.)

So, Brad, the question is this. Can the Programing Department and the Human Resource Department both get a jump on things before the impending cluster f#@k that will be Wednesday morning?

BRIEF ANSWER

It is obvious that we have an immediate need for all hands on deck! An overnight crew must be rallied to handle all eventualities to allow for a seamless continuity of programing.

Because of the huge popularity of Serpientes y Escaleras, there are enthusiastic audiences far and wide—not just in San Antonio. For those markets expecting to see Serpientes y Escalera shows in the days ahead, we here in Programing have selected older archived episodes which we will package as “Gems from the Vault!”

As for you folks in HR, we will immediately need some specific anticipatory paperwork generated and at the ready if it is called for (which I suspect it will be). More on that below.

STATEMENT OF FACTS

Here is what is currently known.

Several minutes before the end of Serpientes y Escaleras, a REINCOR seated in the studio audience went “rogue,” attacking one of that show’s production staff (a Ms. Rosalinda Aguilar, employed as a “Reader,” a trained psychic, which I’m sure you’ll recall is a feature utilized by that particular production to heighten the drama). This REINCOR pulled Ms. Aguilar into a standard Class A Transport Pod and engaged the portal trigger. That’s right. Two people, a REINCOR and a non-REINCOR, together for a single transportation!

Additionally, the producer of Serpientes y Escaleras—Silverio Moreno—followed those two through the same portal pod. And yes, you read that correctly! A trained broadcasting professional did that. It only gets worse. He was accompanied by an unknown young woman, apparently not even connected to that production!

As one would expect, the portal pod began overheating.

This whole mess was exacerbated by a similarly cavalier misuse of that show’s second portal pod. Before any of the Tau Field capacitors could cool down, reset, or even switch into auto shutdown mode, the two REINCORS who had initially been chosen to be transported through the portals to Central Processing, were BOTH stuffed into the second pod and sent on their way.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let it be known that that final transport transmission was ordered by the Network’s very own Ida Mayfield.

Perhaps a lapse in her judgement?

Maybe she had valid reasons which will eventually be explained?

Whatever the case, those extreme mistreatments to the portals had the expected results.

A full Level 11 Markowitz Discharge with a general quantum cascade causing wide scale Higgs field dampening out to a radius of 22 kilometers.

To the best of our knowledge, San Antonio, Texas has been lost.

Thankfully, almost all of our Network employees working on Serpientes y Escaleras managed to escape the devastation. This is according to the passenger manifest telegraphed from the San Antonio train depot. (See below for specifics regarding the lack of Saligia Jones’ name on said manifest.)

CONCERNING THE REINCOR ISSUE

Brad, remember, REINCORs are not a HR matter! Stand firm! No matter what Parcell might tell you. And certainly ignore any meddling from Ida. I will back you up on this.

As for Central Processing, I do indeed know how, in the past, you’ve lost HOURS getting the runaround from those secretive uptight weirdos who work over there. Not matter what Parcell Prescott might think, REINCORs are neither employees nor outside contractors of the Network. Furthermore, as there is no clear consensus if they are (let’s be honest here) even human, I cannot fathom why anyone would suggest that they should fall within the purview of Human Resources.

In short, they DO NOT.

And, yes, you can quote me on that.

However, to be candid, I can give you a quick update of what I’ve learned from LeeAnne over at the REINCOR Liaison Department, and what she has learned from this evening’s communique from Central Processing.

It seems that those REINCORs currently under the custodianship of Central Processing and earmarked as “contestants” for upcoming Serpientes y Escaleras episodes, will be shunted off to other productions, or otherwise resituated according to the Central Processing charter in a manner both timely and humane.

As for the fate of those REINCORs who had already arrived at the Serpientes y Escaleras studio and were awaiting processing, well that information, as they say, is “above our pay grade.” Thank god for that. Just know they have been “dealt with” in accordance with Central Processing’s protocol, internal mandates, or whatever jargon they’re using these days.

And as in similar exchanges with Central Processing, the Network will take such communiques on faith, and hope that we will not see a repeat of last year’s heinous snafu during that tragic REINCOR bottleneck that befell the beleaguered second season of Panic Bar Sots.

For the nonce, as it were, we will treat all matters REINCOR to be in the capable hands of LeeAnne (bless her heart), and the quote unquote professionals across town at the Central Processing facility. Did I already say weirdos?

CONCERNING S. JONES

As stated above, Saligia Jones was NOT listed as a passenger on the last Mag train out of San Antonio. We dearly hope that that is simply a clerical error, for indeed her great value to the Network is reflected by the stellar ratings of Serpientes y Escaleras. Therefore, in the spirit of optimism and general proactivity, we will assume that the extraordinary Ms. Jones will soon be safe in the bosom of the Network headquarters ASAP, so that we can quickly provide her with a new, exciting show!

Even if the unthinkable has occurred and we have lost Saligia Jones to a full Level 11 Markowitz Discharge (a fate not to be wished upon anyone, I’m sure you’d agree!), we still need to fill a hole in programming.

And that is where the HR Dept. comes in, Brad.

HR ACTION ITEMS

We will need to create a new program. Even though upper management has yet to assign us with this task, I have found it best to anticipate Parcell Prescott and those people at the top.

And with a new show, there will need to be a team to run things. On the bright side, we already have this team.

The full list of those who escaped San Antonio is attached to this memo. For the sake of expedience, let’s just assume that these seasoned technicians and administrators will provide the essential personnel of our provisional replacement show. This show will most likely be similar in nature to Serpientes y Escaleras—low budget, small production—but as there is no current working title, please begin drafting new contracts for all the names on the attached list with exactly the same job titles they had on Serpientes y Escaleras. For “Program Title,” just go ahead and fill in “TBA.”

CONCLUSION

In the hours and days ahead, of course, more specific information will be forthcoming. Information perhaps of a grim and dispiriting nature. But remember, Brad, we here at the Network have hit such obstacles before. Lord knows this isn’t the first time we’ve been in this place, right? And even though the loss of such a marvelous show as Serpientes y Escaleras saddens us all, we should look to the horizon with enthusiastic anticipation of the replacement show that these wonderful creative people will soon put together for the joy of all. I know I’m excited!