What did he mean? What's going on? You felt your mind race around in circles, asking the same questions again and again, never ceasing, never putting rest to your endless confusion. Why can't he just tell me what he was thinking? Was he trying to apologize? Why is Engie acting...annoyed? Why is Demo so protective all of the sudden over me? Wait, no, that is actually a good thing...I think. You could tell Demo was staring at you while you studied the ground, but you couldn't make out any words. You blinked a few times, you eye just having cleared up. Who do I talk to? The thought of trying to have another one-on-one with Engie, Demo, or even Heavy made you feel...awkward in a sense. You couldn't quite seem to name the feeling, but it sat heavy in your chest, twisting and squeezing. Why do I feel this way?

Who do I talk to?

Suddenly, it struck you. You needed someone out of the drama, but...well, just not Spy. It was Sniper. He wouldn't keep your feelings like black mail (you hoped) and he would understand and take you seriously (again, you hoped). The only problem was if he cared to listen to you, and if you would have enough time to? You probably had a solid twenty to twenty-five minutes before dinner was ready. God it's been a long day. Either way, you stood up whilst hoping you looked normal. You started walking away.

"Aye! Where do ya think you're goin'?" You heard Demo playfully call after you. Force the smile, you can do it.

"Oh, I'm just going to talk to...Sniper," you said with a smile that felt all to foreign on your lips. Fuck, I messed up! I didn't catch myself before I could come up with a plausible lie. Shifting uncomfortably to face you, Demo's sudden look of concern (which seemed as if it was trying to be covered up) unsettled you.

"Lass, you know you can talk ta me, right?" Why did he have that look on his face, it gave you a jolt of adrenaline. What is wrong with me?

"Of course I do!" You shoved out of your mouth in the most reassuring way you could muster, which wasn't great. Trying to cover myself up isn't goin' so great right now. "We just -um- haven't talked since cleaning the MedBay." Terrible save.

"Ah, well. I'ya don't see anythin' wrong with that, but if ya need anythin', know I'm here, okay? You can trust me." For some reason seeing the sincerity in his face made you want to shrink away from him. Why does that unnerve me so much? Why do I feel as if I should run away? What's wrong with me?

"Of course I will." You didn't sound nearly as certain as you were, and you could help but feel a shot of pain hit your heart when you saw Demo's expression turned downcast. Why am I doing this? How am I doing this?

You tried to think of something that would make him believe you, so you impulsively rushed over to give him a hug. As you wrapped your arms around him, Demo did the same with an air of shaky relief. However, you didn't let it last, so you pulled away and gave him your best smile.

Before turning around to leave, you saw him give a small smile back. You could tell he wasn't sure if you were telling him the truth. You turned away before any more questions could be asked and headed down the hallway. I can't do this. What would I even talk about? I have nothing to say and Sniper wouldn't be happy with me barging in on him with nothing to show for it.

"Ya know, sometimes I worry about you," you heard Demo's voice unusually soft behind you. It made tears well up in your eyes. ...I worry about me, too... A soft voice spoke through you, but it became overrun. I need to leave the building. I don't know where, but I-I c-can't be h-here. You felt adrenaline course through your veins as you felt your feet kick up and start to run. Yet, you controlled yourself for as long as you could. Demo might still see you run, so instead to shakily speed walk towards the MedBay and turn right to go to the Arena. You heard shuffling inside the MedBay, but that only made you walk faster until you were running.

Inside the Arena, surrounded by gray walls, you continued until you reached outside. As you had passed through the area, memories came flooding back of the fighting you had done here. The fighting where you killed nine men and did Spy training. Both were large events for you. Still, as fun as this was to remamiss about outsmarting everyone, you couldn't bear it. I'm not her anymore. I'm not excited or collected or good...or okay. I'm not okay, what is wrong with me?

The dusty air of New Mexico rushed around your cheeks as streams of tears rolled down. The dry, hot temperature warmed your skin as you slunk down the wall into the sand just by the door. Why is it that every time I think I'll be okay, something like this just has to happen? I didn't ask for this! You felt yourself hug your knees. Distantly, as if the action were miles away from you. God, what's going to happen when someone finds me here? How can I explain this? I must look so fucking worthless right now. Why did I ever think I could do this? Why can't I just control myself anymore? Why can't I be a normal person for God's sake! Your internal voice rose to a roar and you felt yourself go weak. You threw your head into your knees and allowed yourself to drift away.

...I'm the nuisance Medic thinks I am...

When you lifted your head, you immediately knew you were dreaming. The dust wasn't hitting your face and the sun wasn't as harsh on your skin. As the door softly squeaked open, your head flicked to see who it was. It was your dream Medic. God, I can't do this right now. Why can't it just be me talking to me? You struggled to keep your face straight as he nervously waved with a crooked smile.

"Could I join jou?" He asked tentatively. You nodded, forcing down the urge to tell him to leave. Why do you have to look like him? He closed the door with a soft click and sat down on your right side. He sat in a generally laid back position with one knee up and the other in a crossed position under it with his left knee touching the ground. You can't force yourself to look at him and instead kept your gaze on the ground. After a few moments of silence, Medic spoke up. "Can I ask vhat's vrong?" You knew he was looking at you, but you couldn't return the action.

"I... I'm just a fuck-up. Sorry...," you answered, not completely sure if you should dive into what's wrong. Why aren't I able to just think of something happy to talk about for once? Why bore him with your usual bullshit?

"No, I don't zhink jou are. Iz zhere anyzhing zhat is directly bozhering jou?" He had a hand hovering over your shoulder as if uncertain whether or not to touch you right now. After deciding, he allowed it to gently lay there. You didn't put up a fight.

"I can't help but just push people away after I make them care about me. I-I just manipulate them until I c-can p-pull myself away!" You knew what you were doing but you couldn't help yourself stop. "I would have done the same before I left my friends, before they forgot about me..."

"But veren't zhey zhe vones who ignored jou?" You were silent, nodding.

"I'm just ashamed of myself."

"Why do jou feel zhat vay?"

"I'm stuck in a rut. I hate myself so I-I can't have anyone get too close before they see me for how I see myself." Although you couldn't quite find the words for everything you were feeling, just admitting that to yourself made you well up with tears. "What's wrong with me? I try telling Engineer and now I don't know how to feel about it. I try telling Demo and I'm scared of him actually caring for me."

"Frau, I don't zhink zhere's anyzhing vrong vith jou, and I'm in jour head!" Medic let out a little laugh, but it died when you didn't join in this time. "Aeh... look (Y/n), shouldn't zhe sign that zhey care about you mean somezhing? ..As overprotective as zhey are of jou..," Medic mumbled that last bit. What?

"Wh-"

"Anyvay! I don't zhink jou should distance jourself from people who care about jou...to be firm, look vhere zhat's gotten jou." Despite knowing he was right, you cried anyway. Why am I so hopeless? You heard Medic let out a noise of concerned frustration. "Ah-um. Vhy do jou-no, no sorry. Um, vhat do jou vant-no. Ah, okay let's see here. Alright, vhat else iz bozhering jou?" You felt curiosity rise up in you despite the pain.

"I-I guess what's really bothering me is what happened with Medic today." You felt your Medic freeze. In response you turned your head to look up at him, only catching a glimpse of what could appear as remorse before switching to concern.

"I know vhat happened, because, vell, jou know, but-eh..How-um... I don't know how to ask zhis. Just... how do jou feel?" His other hand was nervously tapping on his knee. What is going on here?

"I feel horrible about what happened. I mean, look at me! Every time I go up to him or think about trying to apologize I freeze or start shaking! I'm terrified of what he's going to say to me next, because I know I started this due to my fucking pride!" You were raising your voice, but caught yourself in order to calm down. "I don't know how to make it right, because I know I'll only mess it up further." Medic was silent and your voice came across as timid and weak. When he didn't speak you just decided to let it all out. If I can't even do it to a real person, might as well here. " It was just this stupid fight and I thought we could joke around, but I took it too far and I ended up hurting him. I couldn't do anything about it, but when I finally could, I got yelled at and just fucked up any kind of friendship. I just don't know what I'm doing and I feel horrible for it." Medic didn't make a sound. "So, Demo offered to take me to go train with him to get my mind off of it. It worked, but then when Medic asked about it to Demo, Demo threatened Medic. I just can't help but feel as if it was my fault. I really went and made a mess, huh?" You looked at the ground, not able to meet your Medic's eyes. You ran your hand down your face in an effort to clean it up.

"Uh, Frau, do jou happen to remember vhat Medic vas saying vhen he vas talking to Demo?" Medic asked.

"U-uhm, not really, but he did say something about not being able to tell me something. I was confused by that."

"Iz it possible he vas trying to apologize?" You let out a small scoff and looked up at him in disbelief. You caught another glimpse of him looking remorseful. What does that mean for me? I mean, obviously I'm remorseful for my actions, but I don't understand why he's covering it up. I'm not trying to cover it up...well I guess I am with the others. God, wait-no, what if I'm wrong? I don't know. You didn't realize you weren't speaking.

"Maybe? He seems pretty hardheaded. I don't really see him as the type to apologize when he's so stern all the time."

"Ah-um, vell, maybe zhat's true, but have jou considered how he views zhe situation? Maybe he vas embarrassed and tried to cover it up?" He was the adult in the situation. Still...

"I'm just not so sure about that, but you're probably right. Still, Engie and Demo seem to get really jealous of other people when it comes to me. Did you see how Engie was acting? It was like he was more than annoyed with Scout."

"Uh-uhm... Jes, I did. To be fair though, who isn't annoyed by Scout?" He had a knowing smile on his face while rolling his eyes that made you laugh. You saw his expression seem to calm down into a relieved smile.

"Yeah, that's true. He did try to cheer me up though."

"Zhat's true, he vas viping zhe floor vith jou though," Medic smirked. You laughed louder. ...Funny, but the only reason he was winning was because of my mental state.

"Yeah, he was. I'll get back at him though, I always do."

"Jou probably vill... Also, I don't zhink it's a bad zhing zhey are jealous for jou. Sure, it may cause a tense zhing vith zhe others, but it means zhey really care about jou, ja? Zhey're probably willing to die for jou!" You smile.

"Hopefully I'm not that bad at fighting."

"Jou'll ve fine, and if I know it, jou know it." Medic smiled.

"Thank you, again, Medic."

"It vas my pleasure. Just try jour best to open up to zhem, okay? Jou've done it vonce before and zhey really care about you." Something about what he said sounded personal. You let out a laugh and turned to hug him. Without hesitating, he returned it. After a moment, he was the first to let go. "It's almost dinner time, and zhey are probably looking for jou now. Are jou ready?"

"I hope so."

"No, jou know so." He gave you one last quick hug before getting up and going back inside. As darkness quickly flew in to take you, you woke up.

The heat was back with the dust again. Stupid dust. You were happy, you think, but exhausted nonetheless. You laid your head back against the wall and sighed. Why can't that be real instead of the cursed reality I live in? My dreams are so much better than this. You wiped your eyes dry with the inside of your shirt as you heard a gentle knock on the door.

"Um..come out?" You asked, unsure of how to answer it. The door cracked open to reveal Sniper.

"Uh, hello Sheila. We were lookin' for you," Sniper asked, scratching the back of his neck.

"Oh, sorry. I needed some fresh air."

"In this place? You're better off inside!" You both laughed.

"Oi was told you were supposed ta be with me?" Shit.

"U-uh, yeah, right..."

"Y'know Oi would've loved some company. Oi was honestly gettin' bored in moi room."

"O-oh, I see..." Sniper sat down to your level.

"Whot's wrong, Sheila? Can ya tell me?" Before you were about to protest, Medic's words echoed in your brain. "Just try jour best to open up to zhem, okay?"

"Yes, I can tell you. It's just a long story but I may have inadvertently started something bad between Demo and Medic, and you know about what happened with Medic. I just needed a break from it all." Sniper nodded.

"Oi know whot that's loike. Still, don't feel like you can't tolk ta me, got it?" You nodded and Sniper smiled, standing up. "Oilright then, let's go eat some dinner, yeah?" He reached out a hand for you.

"Yeah, let's go." You smiled in return and took his hand. The both of you made your way to the kitchen.