I scheduled my mornings when I got to school to draw. And during breaks, and times when the teachers allowed us to self-study.

Ares, Pu’er, Brunette, Julien and Cailly did come talk to me during this period of time, I couldn’t remember what it was that they said. I wasn’t in the mood to listen to them.

{YOU HAVE STEPPED ON A MINE}

{WARNING: YOU HAVE STEPPED ON A MINE}

I turned to the culprit.

“Avner, what’s wrong?”

“What do you mean.. Actually, keep this time stasis for a bit.”

I laid down on the hard floor and pressed my arms against my eyes.

I’m tired.

Burnt out.

Absolutely beat.

I don’t care that Pu’er is here anymore. Just let me rest.

I almost died trying to finish the commission. I had to even prepare for the exams. It was hell.

I’m impatient, I’m aware.

But sitting around and letting things just happen feels so nauseatingly discomforting.

Shin’s bad habit is bearing its ugly head. He’s an absolute workaholic.

He should learn a thing or two from Avner; relax and chill. Things will come eventually, one must just keep consistent with patience.

Right?

But wouldn’t it be equivalent to relying on luck?

That wasn’t how Novelle did things. Everything had a purpose, she was able to grasp what the readers wanted, the story they wished to follow, and build a community around it.

I don’t know how possible it is to do the same for art.

Unless I use my skill to create stories?

This is seriously frustrating. Just how?

There’s got to be some opportunity somewhere I’m not seeing. I’m thinking too narrowly.

Pu’er spoke.

“Is this.. about Lynda?”

“Lynda? No, it’s an entirely separate thing.”

“Really? So then Lynda.. you’re the one who..”

“Ask Mister Cain if you want to know so much.”

“...”

“Sorry. I’m just out of it. Give me some time to recollect myself. Just leaving me alone is good help Pu’er.”

“Okay then.”

Xe got up and made her way over to the corner of the class. Xe sat there and stared into the air.

I ignored hirs antics.

I didn’t have the energy to mind it to begin with.

What happened the past week anyways? Ten-ish days just passed like that. No grand encounters or life altering developments, just my normal everyday grind.

I tried to spend as much time and energy as I could drawing. I eventually lost myself in my work. I forgot to rest. Fear got to me. And the vicious cycle began.

Shin is very particular when it comes to distractions. The little things get to him. Particularly problematic as we’re a part of Avner’s family.

Not only do I hate the environment at home, I also hate how I can’t do my work in peace. Even if I wanted to rent a place elsewhere to stay so I can focus on my work, I don’t have the money to do so. Moreover, I need to save that money in preparation for an unknown future.

I’m stuck.

Stuck in my own mind, Shin’s mind.

I must have been crazy to set a goal of earning enough so that I can pay for my own life.

Avner would’ve just worked at a convenience store to earn some part time cash.

Though that would generate money in the short term, scaling it, or expanding it would be nigh impossible.

I need a client base, an asset, something that has the potential to generate steady income flow, and stay with me even till the future.

How exactly does one go about that anyways?

What I’m I doing wrong?

I’m I drawing for the wrong people?

I’m I drawing the wrong things?

I’m I not searching for the right industry?

I’m I not doing enough, yet?

Do I need to reach out more?

I don’t doubt my skills. It’s practically a cheat, I can draw anything from realism to environmental paintings. My skills are at a professional level.

But having illustrating skills does not equate to being of value.

I’m falling yet again into another dilemma..

This must've been what I was trying to avoid. Drowning myself in my work so I didn’t need to answer the crucial questions, the difficult questions– the fear of facing my– fears.

Today’s already a Friday. 9 days since Lynda went to the hospital. How’s she doing, I wonder? I didn’t see her when I walked by her class. I didn’t text her either because I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

“Perhaps I need to do more research.”

If I’m going to depend on art as my main skillset, there are four paths I can think of. Educating, creating stories, becoming an art influencer, or doing commissions.

Educating. There are a lot of artists out there who do this, an oversaturated market.

Creating stories. There’s always new demand for this. However, this poses three problems. One is that I don’t have the time to draw a lot, and drawing comic strips takes a lot of time. Two is that I don’t know how to balance a good story plotline. I’m not a writer, I don’t know where to begin. Three would be the factor of luck. I don’t understand enough about what makes a good series successful nor what is required to monetize the work.

Art influencer. That’s out. Not something Shin would want to pursue, no question.

Commissions. This is the one I had been attempting to do. It’s creating art for other people’s projects. The amount of money earned would be in proportion to the size of the client.

I was Novelle’s illustrator, and she would commission me for a good amount. Though, we usually just share the money. As Shin, that’s the only success I’ve had as an artist.

If not for Novelle I would’ve been..

Come to think of it, I was just leeching off her success, wasn’t I?

Dumb Shin. You weren’t even capable of surviving on your own.

Creating art books or souvenirs, I can throw those ideas out the drain because I don’t even have the capital or audience base to begin these larger projects. And this goes against the method of making money through doing commissions. One depends on an audience, the other depends on good clients.

“So it’s either I go for commission, or create stories.”

A school of fish, or one big catch.

Creating stories would resolve the issue of finding an audience. It would spotlight my work.

No. That’s not possible. If I took the story route, I wouldn’t have any leeway to even do commissions. My biggest constraint is time, how many times do I have to remind myself?

“Then the only option is commission.”

Focus on one and ignore the rest.

What I should do is search up job posts for freelance illustrators.

Time constraint.

Fuck.

Before I even put up a request for a job application, I need a portfolio that resonates. In that case, should I prioritize creating an art portfolio? Yes.

As for my specialization: anime, obviously. Narrowing it further, I should target indie game designers.

As for the posting of my works, definitely not ShareWiw. Sure it gets a lot of views, but I’m aiming for specific indie creators, not people who scroll SNS at random.

“Okay, so I’ll create 10 pieces of illustration by the end of the year, I’ll decide my next steps once I’m done with that.”

Time. Energy.

I don’t know if I have enough of both.

No. I do. It’s only 10 pieces of good illustration. I could work on it over the Christmas holidays.

“Do you have a habit of talking to yourself, Avner?”

“Yes, I do.”

“I always find that weird. Since when did you learn to draw? Is that the reason why you’re angry?”

“I’m not angry, I'm frustrated.”

“It’s the same thing.”

“The way I see it, anger is directed at someone, frustration is directed at yourself.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that.”

“Thank you for keeping up the barrier Pu’er. I think I know what to do now.”

I’ll finish up that random commission and begin creating my portfolio. Patients, and focus. I need to remove everything else. I’ll get distracted and dragged around if I don’t. Like say if I was hit with another cheap commission, I should deny it and work on my portfolio instead, even though it’s the money I need.

Think long-term. Don’t aim for short-term gains.

“Then.. can you tell me what’s bothering you before we go?”

“I’m trying to find some way to earn money through my art.”

“Eh, no way. Seriously?!”

I sat up and looked towards Pu’er. What?

“I’m trying to do that too, but with writing.”

“Writing? You’re a writer?”

“I am. Not a good one though. I write blogs about random things. Mostly about how to stay positive,” xe pumped hirself up.

I was about to say that it’s an oversaturated market; that positivity isn’t always a good thing, when I realize the same can be said for the industry I’m pursuing.

It’s not about the market being saturated. The market is saturated no matter where you are. You have to be competent, willing to walk through fire, grit through the pain and come out the other side. No sane person would be willing to do it, which is why you do just that.

For Pu’er, it’s blogging; for me, it’s art.

It’s finding the thing we’ll be willing to die for just to see it come to fruition.

Find that crack in the industry that no one else has. Bring something to the table that only we can.

That’s the only way a creator can survive with so many options in the world.

“So I’m not lying when I say I know how you feel too, Avner. What do you draw anyways? Why don’t you share it on ShareWiw?”

“If you plan to create something for everyone, you’ll get no one. I don’t need followers, I need people that want my work.”

As Shin, I’ve done and tried. Posting art on SNS. You’ll just get ignored. Sure, you’d receive nice comments every now and then. But what next?

It was only when I did art for a client– Novelle– and not chasing more followers, that my SNS blew up.

“Huh? But most people use SNS to share their art, if I’m not wrong?”

“It depends.”

I don’t know how others do it. I only have Novelle’s advice as reference. There’s conflicting information everywhere.

“Then what should I do?”

“I have no idea either. I’m also learning..”

“Hm..”