“QUESTION 1/20: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?”

A white dialogue box pierced through the darkness, floating in front of him, waiting eagerly for an answer. Daniel blinked and looked around at the void. Light reflected off of his brown skin and his yellow jacket as if coming from above. But, when he looked up, there was no spotlight, no sun — just more darkness, aside from the white dialogue box in front of him.

He smacked his lips. Really? This was the first question of the ultimate personality test? He shrugged and tapped springtime. It rained a lot, sure, but it was never too hot, and it was never too cold. It was perfect jacket weather.

“QUESTION 2/20: HOW OFTEN DO YOU WATCH TELEVISION WITH SUBTITLES ON?”

“What the heck?” Daniel said to himself. The questions were supposed to determine the kind of abilities he’d get, weren’t they? What did TV subtitles have to do with anything?

His hand hovered over the choice for turning on subtitles. He always did, even if he could hear the show perfectly fine. But, what would a strong, trained fighter pick? They’d probably pick no subtitles. They probably had hearing so good that they didn’t need subtitles.

He tapped no subtitles, but the box flashed red. “PLEASE ANSWER HONESTLY. EVERYONE USES SUBTITLES.”

Daniel chuckled. A joke question. He tapped the option for always turning on subtitles.

“QUESTION 3/20: WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?”

Daniel didn’t hesitate to tap yellow. It was bright like the sun, and yet it could also be a funny color. He lost the rest of his wardrobe, but at least he kept his puffy yellow jacket.

Every question after that followed the same pattern of being dumb and useless. It felt more like taking an online personality quiz in the middle of class out of boredom than a test to determine his level of power. What did his favorite subject in school have to do with anything?

Daniel answered the questions as fast as he could, struggling to stretch his patience throughout all twenty questions. Carmen had to be taking the same test. Unless the system was playing a prank specifically on him, asking her about her questions would be a fun conversation for later.

Finally, he made it to the last question.

“QUESTION 20/20: CHOOSE AN UNDERRATED EMOJI.”

Daniel didn’t even look at the options before he pressed a random emoji. They were emojis. How could they matter? Maybe he made a mistake, or picked some wrong answer that might give him bad abilities, but he would rather lick a trash bag than do that test again.

“PERSONALITY TEST COMPLETE,” the box read. “BEGINNING SCENARIO SIMULATION. YOUR LIFE WILL BE THREATENED. PLEASE RESIST.”

Daniel drew in a sharp breath. Before he could audibly protest, a seatbelt strapped him to the backseat of a car with a tan leather interior. Sunshine beamed through the windows and through the sunroof.

The car fell.

He screamed at the top of his lungs, gripping the handle on the ceiling. The car hit water with a heavy splash, landing dead in the middle of the ocean. As the car floated in place, a dark shape slithered underneath the crashing waves, circling the car, fin pointing out of the water.

The car couldn’t float forever. Daniel fought to take his seatbelt off as the nose of the car dipped further underneath the surface. He launched from his seat, landing face first against the headrest of the driver’s seat, gripping it tightly. His heart pounded in his chest.

A shark circled the sinking car once again, and Daniel peered forward to get a better look. A jet black, beastly “fish” moved through the water, unrecognizable, shooting goosebumps through his skin. It didn’t move; it slithered through the water, leaving a smoky trail in its wake. He counted the ways this could end, frightening himself more and more with every scenario.

If he opened the window now and tried to swim away, that thing would get a free lunch. But, if he stayed, water would seep into the car, sealing him to a slow death. Or, even worse — it might sink so low that the pressure would crush the metal itself.

His hands quivered, even while they held onto the headrest. If he died here, would he die in real life? Would he get a trashy moveset? How was he supposed to survive in the first place?

The late nights alone at home flashed through his mind, bringing along the hours of doubt and the rush of excitement when his parents finally came home.

They probably miss you.

You have to get back.

Daniel clenched his teeth, climbing to the passenger’s seat, checking the glove complement for anything to break the window or to fight back. A lone yellow screwdriver sat inside the glove compartment.

Talk about killing two birds with one stone.

He could stab the sharp tip into the window to break the glass. But, the thing swimming outside would be a problem. The screwdriver could work as an improvised weapon, but not if he had to fight and swim at the same time. He only had advantage here in the car; the water was the creature’s turf.

Could he get the creature in here and kill it at the same time?

Half of the car was under the water. Sick, gray ocean water pooled below the dashboard, rapidly rising to his level. The creature circled the car, seemingly hesitant to attack. As he stared at the creature through the car window, lightbulbs went off in his brain. The creature looked too big to comfortably fit through the window!

He had to draw its attention. Daniel pulled out his phone, switching to the flashlight. If he got the creature to lunge through the window and get itself stuck, he could take it down and swim out at the same time.

He flickered his flashlight on and off. The creature paused in the water for a moment, as if seeking out the source of light. Within seconds, its “head” locked onto him. It lunged into the car, cratering the door inwards. The creature drew back and rammed into the side of the car once more, and cracks spread through the side window. One more time. Daniel took a deep breath, gripped the screwdriver in his other hand, and flashed his light one last time.

The creature’s head exploded through the window, throwing a wave of glass and rushing water as it wildly snapped at him. Just as he thought, its head was too big to pull out. Holding his breath, Daniel thrust the screwdriver into its smooth, misty head. Smoke billowed from the wound, and the creature cried out, thrashing furiously. He stabbed again and again, releasing more and more black smoke until the creature vanished in a burst of smoke.

With the creature gone, the ocean invited itself into the rest of the car’s interior. Daniel swam through the window and upwards, breaking the surface and taking in the warm, simulated summer air. It actually worked!

After he blinked, though, a cold chill replaced the warm summer air. He was back in the black void, perfectly dry, as if it never happened.

Because it never did. Daniel calmed his heart, chuckling himself. It was just a simulation, a realistic one, at that. There was never a reason to worry. The system wouldn’t have really let him die.

…right?

A white menu box appeared. “SIMULATION TEST SURVIVED. GOOD JOB.”

Daniel smiled. “Thanks,” he said, alone in the black area. Was this the part where he became a powerful fighter due to picking the right answers? Hastened by the excitement, he pressed OK.

“YOU ARE NOW A JOKE FIGHTER. CONGRATULATIONS, DANIEL CHASE,” the box said. “PLEASE REFERENCE THE ‘SELF’ PAGE FOR MORE INFORMATION.”

The joy disappeared as soon as he read it, and he read it a second time to make sure he wasn’t reading it wrong. A joke Fighter? What? Daniel swiped on his wrist menu and navigated to his Self page. Where there used to only be his health, hunger, and stamina, a new array of stats appeared to fill in the blank space.

Daniel tried to understand it the best he could. High Damage, High Speed, and High “Close-Range”, whatever that meant. Everything else looked like it was low, but he had as many low stats as he did high stats. He felt a bit of hope rising in his chest, fear close behind it. These stats didn’t seem so bad. What made him such a joke?

Below the stats page, a new button appeared for his Command List. As he was greeted by the only two entries, it all made sense. First was his only super move: Hard Punch. Below that, his only special move.

COUNTER: Enter indicated pose at the moment an attack lands to nullify the attack and gain a second of invincibility. Works in the air. Works on any attack.