《Letting Go...》My Daddy

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How do I sound? Gentle, I hope-- strong? Not physically, no, but inside I'm fierce. If I love you, you are loved...even if you don't love me back. I keep things close. You are only goin' to know as much as I choose to reveal...even when I am payin' for you to listen to me.

I am a big fat liar, in reformation, wary of the truth and what it might cost me. Honesty is a commodity, and at times my shares have been very low. Why? Lyin' is a survival skill when you are born in the wilderness of a difficult childhood. My daddy was abused as a child, as was his daddy before him. Abuse soaked in alcohol was a family tradition, one of the quirks in the murky waters of our gene pool. As his daddy's core was damaged, so was my daddy's core. The chaos at his core ruled not only him, but also we as a family. He was a tense and anxious man. Being his child, was no cake walk. He did make one significant choice. He chose not to drink. He didn't want to beat his children as he had been beaten. Anger often got the best of him and us, but he never came at us in a drunken rage. Because he chose not to add drink to the fire that was his anger, I was spared memories that haunted him and clouded even his best days. Still, like lighnin' his anger would burn with a burst of hot light and explode. Despite his best efforts he did hurt us sometimes, not often, but enough to leave tracks. He was always instantly sorry and offered apologies like a frighten child. I remember that look on his face, the shame and the struggle. As a child I did not understand it, nor believe he was sorry. As and adult, I had to learn to forgive him for who he was and who he wasn't. I reached a place in life, where I knew if I did not forgive him my life spark was goin' to go out. I had a choice to make, I could release the well worn memories of his wrath, I could seek out healin' for the places in me that his brokenness had broke or I could drown in the cesspool of my resentment. I chose forgiveness and I chose life. My daddy loved me, he may not have loved me good, but he loved me solid.

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