The Brotherhood

Chapter XII

By X

“You better not be doing anything weird in there,” Q laughed.

I’m not going to lie - I went into full panic mode! I was not ready to open this can of worms, at least not yet. I dropped the shirt like it was on fire, kicked it under the pile of clothes, and turned just as Q opened the door.

“Hey…” His perfect, pearly white smile still made my stomach flutter. Or maybe it was seeing him standing there wet, his hair slicked back, wearing nothing but a pair of black speedos and flip-flops.

“Hello to you too.” My heart pounded and danced against my chest, yet my eyes remained steady, solidly fixed on Q. I stared so hard; you’d think I was Medusa trying to turn him to stone.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll repeat it – the boy is a vision of perfection. Nothing was out of place or out of whack when it came to the way he looked. He was the ideal man. A god plucked from the dreams and desires of desperately lonely men and women alike. “Do you always run around the house in your underwear? I thought that only applied to pledges.”

Q smirked and walked up to me. “Very funny, smartass. I just came from the pool.” He cocked his head to the side as he looked at me. “Are you okay? You look flushed.”

“Can you blame me?” Honestly, I wasn’t sure if it was because I was almost caught with the shirt in my hand or Q standing in front of me nearly naked that made me blush.

With the same devilish grin on his lips, he slipped his hand behind my neck and pulled me close for a kiss. I resisted him as much as I’d resist someone giving me ten million dollars. Green shirt? What green shirt? I don’t know how he does it, but everything else fades away whenever I’m around Q. All that matters is that we were together.

My hands landed squarely on his waist just as he turned to walk away. He may have had other plans, but I wasn’t ready to let go. I quickly spun behind him, slipped my arms around his waist, and pressed my chest into his back. It was my turn to take control and hold him close. I kissed the nape of his neck. It felt natural like I’d been doing it for years. He looked over his shoulder, and I was convinced his smile would end me again. “I missed you,” I whispered into his ear.

And despite all the craziness of the day, it was the truth.

“You’re funny.” I’m not sure what he meant by that. He kissed me again, just a quick peck this time, and I finally let him go.

I soaked in every inch of him as he walked to the cabinet. Ok, I’ll be honest. Mostly, I drank in his ass. Two flawlessly formed orbs, tight and firm, wholly outlined beneath the spandex material of his speedo. If I could paint you a picture, I would. Well, maybe not. This is one image, one man… one ass… I’d like to covet for myself.

“You enjoy swimming?” I asked.

“Very much,” he answered. “I enjoy it almost as much as I enjoy…um, other stuff.”

“Well, that explains it.”

He threw me a quick look over his shoulder. “Explains what?”

“You have a typical swimmer’s body – lean, tight, and toned.”

“I have yet to hear any complaints.”

I couldn’t see him, but I was sure he was grinning like a stud. “Hey, who’s complaining?”

He laughed, stripped off his Speedo, and threw it at me. “Something to remember me by.”

I caught them with one finger and twirled them in the air. “Thanks.”

As much as I wanted to keep them sick, I know, I added them to the ever-growing pile of clothes on the floor. He stood with his profile to me as he rummaged thru the cabinet. I assumed he was on the hunt for a pair of underwear. It didn’t matter to me what he did so long as I enjoyed the lovely view.

“Are you still feeling okay? You haven’t fainted again or anything, have you?”

Seriously? Was he going to stand there all naked and sexy and try to carry on a conversation with me? “No…I’m uh,” I swallowed hard, “fine.”

“Good.” He pulled out a pair of red and black cameo trunks and slipped them on. I stood there watching him adjust himself until they fit just right. I was tempted to ask him if he needed a hand. He turned to face me and threw his hands out. “You like?”

“Do you have to ask?” They fit him like a glove, showing off all his assets perfectly. Q has about the sexiest underwear I’ve seen on any guy. He must have a collection. “You enjoy the cameo look, don’t you?”

He shrugged. “I find cameo underwear or sleepwear very attractive on the right guy.”

“I agree,” I smirked. “Damn, do I agree!”

“I know. Why do you think I wear it?”

“Tease.” I snarled. I prefer Q's softer, more loveable side as opposed to his hardcore-all-business-no-play-brother side. But I must admit, it takes some getting used to.

He tried to pass me again, this time to go into the bedroom, but I stepped in front of him. He smiled softly, romantically, and put his hand on my face. I was so lost in his piercing gaze; I knew only he’d be able to find me. I knew he felt the same way by the look on his face.

“I need to get dressed,” he said, almost apologetically.

“Yeah…about that. I kind of like the way you look now.”

“I bet, but it still doesn’t change the fact I need to put clothes on. As some say, I can’t be running around the house in my underwear all day.”

“Again, I’m not seeing the problem,” I teased.

He leaned forward, put his lips to my ear, and whispered, “Stop making this so hard.”

We kissed for a while. It was intense, deep, and passionate. You know, like the kind of shit you see in the movies. I took a second to pull away from Q, assured him I could make things much harder for him, and then pressed my thigh against his crotch.

“You’re impossible,” he accused and pushed me out of the bathroom. I was happy to follow him to the closet like a love-struck puppy. “Hey, did you enjoy your two hours of freedom?”

“Um…yeah.”

“Good.” He smiled at me while trying to decide what pants to wear. “What did you do?”

I had an instant knot in my stomach.

“What did I do?” I put my hand on my chest like there were ten other Jacobs in the room, and I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me.

“Yes, you. What did you do?”

“Oh, you know… just stuff. Nothing special.”

“Well, did you stay on campus or go somewhere?”

“Did I go somewhere?”

He stopped shifting thru his clothes to look at me. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Will you stop repeating everything I say?”

“I’m not repeating everything you say.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you…look,” he paused for a moment, “why are you acting weird and fidgety suddenly?”

“I’m not acting weird and fidgety.” In case you missed it, I kind of was. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell Q I went to see Lady White, and I sure didn’t want to lie to him.

“Jacob, enough!” For a moment, the switch went off, and my loveable Q was replaced with my hardcore Big. “Now, did something happen today?”

“Nothing happened, honest.” That wasn’t exactly a lie because nothing did happen. “I went down to the village for a little while, then to the library.”

“The library?”

“Yes, you’ve heard of it. It’s that big brick building. You know, the one with all the windows and books.”

Q gave me a look, and suddenly I felt an inch tall. I forgot who I was talking to and that there were certain lines I wasn’t allowed to cross. “Q, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any disrespect.”

He walked past me with a pair of jeans slung over his shoulder. I felt so stupid. I was going to continue apologizing, but then he started laughing and said he was just kidding and wanted to see the look on my face.

I was heated! “Are you fucking kidding me?” Q stopped suddenly, stunned. He hadn’t expected those words to come flying out of my mouth. “As if this thing between us isn’t confusing enough for me. Are you going to play that game? Like I don’t freak out already! I’m never sure how far is too far because you’re not only my boyfriend but my Big as well…not to mention the head of this house.”

Ok, my tirade was over. I took a couple of deep breaths and waited for the worst. I was going to get it. But instead of lashing out at me, Q simply stood there with a cheesy grin on his face. “You called me your boyfriend.”

“No, I didn’t!” I did remember saying it. I wasn’t planning on it, but it just came out. And it felt good hearing it. But I wasn’t ready to give Q the satisfaction.

“Yes, you did! You threw it out there while you were ranting and raving.”

I realized I wasn’t going to win this one. “Okay, maybe I did, but it doesn’t change the fact that what you did was fucked up! This will not work if you play those kinds of mind games. I don’t need the added stress.”

“You’re right, you’re right.” He threw his hands up and surrendered. He had the face of a little boy who knew he had done something wrong. “That was in poor taste, and I’m sorry.” He looked so sweet with those big, apologetic eyes staring at me.

What happens next? I started feeling bad. “It’s okay; you don’t have to apologize.”

Isn’t that something? He made me angry, and I ended up feeling for him.

“How about I make you a deal,” he offered. “When we’re alone and not doing any official house business as Big and Little, you’re free to say whatever is on your mind and be as funny or sarcastic as you want. As far as our relationship goes, you’re my equal, not my subordinate.”

After hearing that, how could I not want to jump his bones? I went up to him to steal a kiss. I turned my head and closed my eyes and everything.

“What was so special about the library?” he asked and turned away from me to put his pants on. I ended up kissing the air. “You know that place with a ton of books?”

Q was fishing and wouldn’t let go unless I gave him something. “I ran into Alex.”

“Oh,” he certainly sounded interested; if nothing else, the look on his face gave him away. Q sat on the bed and loosened up the laces on his shoes before slipping them on. Then, while tying the laces, he casually asked, “How is Alex?”

“Oh please, don’t give me that.”

“What?”

“I know where you’re going with this.”

“Going with what, Jacob?” Q shrugged. “I merely asked how she was doing.”

“Please!” I scoffed. “I know what you’re trying to say.”

“Of course, how stupid of me,” his every word was laced with sarcasm. “You’ve decoded my cryptic talk with your superhuman spider-sense. I should have known!”

“Joke all you want, but I know what you’re thinking, Q.”

“Well, I’m glad one of us does. Would you mind cluing me in?”

“I know I have to talk to her and break it off. I’m just waiting for the right time.”

Q laughed. “I didn’t say anything about that.”

“Yeah, but you were thinking it.”

“Oh right,” he was still laughing as he wiggled his hands in front of me, “spider-sense. Look, Jacob, I don’t….”

“And before you even go there, I didn’t sleep with her the night of the party. Even though I could have, I didn’t, and you want to know why?” I pointed at Q like I was accusing him of something.

“Please, do tell. Don’t keep your audience waiting.”

“Because all I could think about was you. That’s right! I could’ve had a night filled with….”

Reaching over to hook his fingers in the front of my pants, Q pulled me towards him, forcing me to stand between his legs. “Jacob, will you shut up! I wasn’t thinking any of that. As hard as it may be to believe when someone asks how another person is doing, sometimes they just want to know how that person is doing.”

“Oh…” I could feel my cheeks heat up. “Well, don’t I just feel special?”

“Special doesn’t begin to….” I interrupted Q by shaking him a little, pushing him back on the bed, and straddling his lap. I think he enjoyed that. “Listen, Jacob, I realize the situation with Alex isn’t a simple one, and I know you’ll talk to her whenever you’re ready, so you’re not going to get any pressure from me. I just want you to do what’s right for you. And if that means you’d rather be with her, if you still love her, I don’t….”

I covered his mouth to shut him up. “Believe me, Q, I don’t love her. I lov…uh, um…I’d rather be with you.” I couldn’t believe I almost threw the L word out there! The worst part was I could feel him smirking under my hand.

I sat back on his lap, and he placed his hands on my thighs. He didn’t have a shirt on yet, so I used the opportunity to trace my finger around his abs and navel. I decided to do some fishing of my own. “You know, I ran into someone else at the library. Someone way more interesting than Alex.”

“Really?” His eyes widened with interest. Who?”

“Your father.”

“My what?” he shouted and sprang up like a board, launching me backward.

Luckily, my beloved Q caught me, or I would’ve cracked my skull on the floor. Instead, I sat dangling with my head only a few inches from the floor, and my body twisted beyond human recognition. “Ow...”

Q pulled me back up, and I pushed him back down. “Your father!”

“Oh, for fucks sake,” he said and covered his face with his hand. “I’m sorry. I wish I were there to spare you from him.”

“He’s rather, um…interesting, to say the least.”

“Hardly,” Q insisted. “I’m sorry. He should never have approached you like that.”

“It’s fine,” I shrugged.

“What did he have to say?”

“I don’t know what father-son issues you two have, but he seemed to care about you genuinely. He wishes nothing but the best for you, I guess. Honestly, I’m not entirely convinced he’s not Kyrios.” I slipped that in there while Q’s guard was down.

“Oh, please! My father Kyrios?” he laughed mockingly. “If that were the case, I would’ve dismissed myself long ago.”

“Wow. That bad, huh?”

“You don’t know the half of it.”

I thought I’d sneak another one in there. “Why don’t you start with the first half, and you can fill me in on the second half later.”

“Sorry, but my father isn’t exactly my favorite topic of conversation.”

“Well, you seem to be his.”

“I’m sure.” Q shook his head and began ranting in that other language. I didn’t understand a word of it until the end. “Fuck!”

I pointed at him right away. “I got that one!”

He put my hand down and shook his head again, “Please don’t try to make me laugh.”

I shrugged and left it alone for a while. But as much as I enjoyed looking at Q, I could only stare at him for so long. “Your father said something I thought was rather odd.”

“Oh?”

“He said he was the reason The Brotherhood exists, that you were all his sons.”

“He’s senile.”

I laughed. I wasn’t expecting him to say that. “He didn’t seem senile to me.” Sorry, but I wasn’t buying that for one second. It sounded more like an angry son lashing out at his father.

“Trust me. You really shouldn’t take anything he says seriously. He’ll end up….”

There was a knock at the door. “Q you in there?”

“Now what?” Q’s irritation came thru loud and clear. He tapped me on the hip, and I rolled off him. Then it occurred to me that it probably wouldn’t look too good if I were just casually lying on Q’s bed like I belonged there. I quickly sat up and adjusted my clothes. Q stood up and told whoever was at the door to come in.

It was one of the Twins. “Hey, Q.”

Q nodded.

“They’re starting to get the pledges together for their trial. I figured you didn’t want your Little to be the one holding things up.”

“No. No, I wouldn’t. Thanks.”

“No problem,” he smiled. “Oh, we are starting to gather downstairs to discuss Dylan’s ceremony. And don’t worry, my brother took Dylan down to the village to give us a chance to talk privately.”

“Good,” Q returned the smile. “Thank you. I’ll be down in a minute.”

Say his name! I thought. For fucks sake, I wish someone would just call them out by their names already. But it was too late; he was already gone. I figured, what the hell?

“What are their names?”

“Who?”

“Who, he says,” I mocked. “The guy who was just here and his brother. What are their names?”

“Oh, the Twins.”

“Yes, but I’m sure their parents thought it wise to give them names at some point.”

“Yeah…you’d think so,” he grinned, kissed me, and completely ignored my question. “You should get going before you’re late. As he said, I can’t have my Little holding things up.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I stopped at the door, suddenly remembering something. “Hey, aren’t you supposed to be cooking me an amazing dinner tonight?”

“You don’t worry about it. You’re going to be pleasantly surprised.”

“We’re having take-out, is what you’re saying?”

He pointed at the door and laughed. “Get out!”

I hurried to my room, fearing being late, still thinking this wasn’t possible. Q and I an item? No way! Hooking up with a guy shouldn’t be anywhere near the realm of possibility, yet it seemed to be happening. Scarier still was that I wasn’t fighting it, not even a little. And why wasn’t I? I mean fuck! I knew college life changed you, but this was ridiculous.

Still, no matter how freaked I felt or the dozen questions bombarding my thoughts, I sure didn’t want to let Q go.

Arsen was already standing outside our door when I rushed to my spot next to him. Instantly, he jabbed me in the ribs with this elbow, his way of saying hello. I was more than happy to return the favor.

He looked at me with a Cheshire cat grin and slapped the back of the head. “What have you been up to?”

“I was just hanging with Q,” I shrugged as I watched the other pledges trickle in. “What about you?”

“Same.”

“Well, that can’t be true,” I laughed, jabbing his ribs again. “I didn’t see you there.”

“No, I mean I was with my Big. I was with Shawn for a little while.” He jabbed me again even harder. “Don’t be a smartass.”

“But I pull it off so well.”

“Yeah…that’s true. Unlike your face!”

“You bitch!” I slapped him upside the head, and it was on. We started rumbling in our doorway, trying to see who could knock who down. Arsen is tough. By no means is he an easy cookie to drop. The other guys got a real kick from seeing us going at it. It was lighthearted and all in good fun. Kind of a ‘boys will be boys’ moment. And yet, even though I couldn’t see Mike, I could feel his disapproving eyes on us. Well, screw him.

CJ came up behind me while Arsen had me in a headlock and slapped my ass… hard. “Dudes, someone’s coming! Cut the shit!”

And just like that, it was over. We stood at the door all proper and shit like we were about to be called in for a job interview. I was calm and collected on the outside but laughing like hell on the inside. I glanced down the roll of guys next to me and made a mental note to get CJ back for smacking me. My ass cheek still stung! I was thinking of whipping his bare ass with a wet towel next time we showered – with just the right amount of moisture; he’d be feeling it for days.

Gage came up the steps with an armful of booklets. Bone entered behind him, carrying the same. This should be interesting, I thought. They didn’t say anything at first. They simply passed out the booklets to all the pledges. My book had Anthony Reeves written in fancy letters across the top with a pen under it. Of course, I thought the dumbass gave me the wrong book, and I wondered if it was okay to say something, to point out the mistake. I’m so glad I didn’t.

“Sir, I got the wrong one,” Mike said. “You gave me Arsen’s book.”

“What the fuck?” Gage got right in Mike’s face, yelling like a drill sergeant. “Are you suggesting I don’t know how to do my job?”

Mike shook his head and looked terrified.

“Answer me!”

“No…no sir.”

“Do you think I need a dumb shit like you to tell me where each book belongs?”

“No, sir!”

Without turning my head, I glanced at Arsen’s book and noticed it had Mike’s name. I was beginning to understand what we had to do with them.

“Then why the fuck did you open your mouth when no one asked you a damn thing?”

“I…I don’t know, Sir. I’m sorry, Sir!”

“Sorry? You’re fucking sorry?” If Gage had gotten any closer, he would’ve been kissing Mike. “Oh, you’ll be sorry, that’s for sure. Get on the floor and get ready to give me some pushups.” Mike put his booklet down and got flat on his stomach. Gage glared at his partner Xavier. “What are you waiting for? An invitation? Get down there with him!”

As Xavier got down on his stomach, someone in the pledge line laughed softly, it was only for a second, but Gage caught it. He was livid! He’s eyes and nostrils flared.

All I could think was FUCK!

“Oh, I’m funny all of a sudden?” he barked down the line. “You fuckers think I’m here for your amusement? Sweet! Then, just for your viewing enjoyment, I’m going to amuse you all! Everyone get down and get ready for some pushups.” Gage walked over to Bone and whispered something in his ear.

Bone threw his head back, laughing his ass off. “I love it!” Then I saw his shoes run past me.

Gage paced silently for a minute, leaving us all kissing the floor in fearful anticipation. “You fuckers are going to learn a little respect,” he lectured as he walked up and down the hall. “When I snap my fingers, you’re all going to start doing pushups.” He paused for a moment. “You can stop when the first guy drops.”

At face value, that didn’t seem so bad. But this was The Brotherhood, and I knew there was a significant catch. Three minutes later, Bone was holding a long black box - very sleek and shiny. I knew that was the catch.

Bone held the box up to Gage as if he were presenting the key to the city. As Gage began to talk, Bone opened the lid. “The first guy that drops – let’s call him the ‘winner’ - gets it in the ass with this.” He pulled an enormous dildo from the box.

At this point, everyone’s jaw hit the floor. The thing had to be ten inches long, and it looked real. It was flesh-toned, curved, and had veins with a sack to boot.

Gage laughed mockingly. “There’s a funny story behind this monster. It belongs to one of the Brother’s here in the house. And by ‘belongs,’ I don’t mean it’s his play toy. It’s an actual mold of his cock and balls.” Those two were just falling over each other, laughing. “As you can see, the Brother is huge, so we all thought it’d be funny to persevere it for all future generations to enjoy.” His tone turned a bit sinister, “And believe me, girls, this thing has seen its fair share of pledge ass. Oh, and by the way, the pledge mate of the guy that goes down first gets the honor of fucking you in the ass with this bad boy. So, who’s it going to be, ladies?”

You have got to be shitting me! I didn’t even get to finish my thought when Gage snapped his fingers. If you’ve ever done a pushup in your life, you know the first few are always the easiest. It’s the ones that follow that become a real bitch.

10, 20, and 30 pushups later, everyone was still going strong. Our group was well built. As long as we kept a steady pace, this was anyone’s game. I know we’re all pledge brothers and should be looking out for each other, but I was praying for failure in this case. I needed someone other than Arsen to drop already. I hate to say it, but I thought Steve would give out first. Yet we were at 64, and he was going at it like a mad man. The pace slowed significantly as we headed into the 80s. By 90, my arms felt like jelly, and I was soaked in sweat. At 98, they started shaking uncontrollably, and I wasn’t the only one. Grunts and moans filled the hall as each pledge fought to complete that next pushup.

It was only a matter of seconds before someone was going to drop like a rock.

Finally, I heard the loud thump. Someone was down - out for the count. And I guess it didn’t hit me until Gage was kneeling in front of me that I had dropped first. He was looking down at me with a shit-ass grin on his face. I looked down the line in disbelief. Oh god, it couldn’t be! Surely someone had dropped before me!

“That’s for volunteering,” Gage smirked.

I looked at Arsen, and he looked back at me, completely horrified. My heart thrashed in my chest, and I thought I’d throw up.

“On your feet, pledge, and step up here!” Gage ordered and pointed to the middle of the hall.

I was so screwed. Literally! I got on my feet with a bit of help from Arsen. Seriously, I felt faint standing center stage for everyone’s viewing pleasure. Arsen stood behind me and a little off to the side. Bone came up to us with the box still wide open. The fucking thing looked three times larger up close.

“Oh fuck…” I mumbled.

“Well?” Gage said. “We don’t have all day. This wasn’t part of our itinerary. But being the nice guy I am, I went out of my way to amuse a group of fuck ups. And as a thank you, this is what I get? Stalling? Drop your pants and bend over.”

I wanted to punch the grin off his face.

I put my hand on my belt buckle and hesitated. I looked at the rest of the guys, and I could see how bad my boys felt for me.

“I’m so sorry,” Arsen whispered as I undid my belt.

I held my breath as I slowly pulled down my zipper. I was so embarrassed. This could not be happening to me.

Gage whacked the back of my head. “Hey shithead, I already told you we don’t have all day. Drop your pants and grab your ankles!”

I pulled my pants down to where you could just start to see my pubes when I was interrupted.

“What’s going on?”

Everyone’s head turned towards the stairs. Q was standing there with Shaun and Dylan on either side of him.

Gage shrugged as Q approached. “Just handing out some much-needed discipline. You know, business as usual.”

“I see,” was all Q said. He looked inside the box Bone was still holding in front of me, then at me with my hands on my fly, and finally, he returned his gaze to Gage. “Put it away and get the trial started. We don’t have time for this.”

Shaun looked at Q with a mixture of shock and confusion. He was probably wondering the same thing as Gage - Why was Q stepping on Gage’s toes? I was sure that Gage was well within his rights to dish out discipline. By the look on his face, this was not sitting well with him.

“Q, I was just doing my….”

“Do you want me to repeat myself?” Q interjected; his left brow raised slightly.

“No, of course not,” Gage conceded. “We’ll get the trail started right away.”

“Thank you,” Q nodded. He looked at Shaun and Dylan; without further discussion, all three walked down the hall and disappeared around the corner. I’m sure Shaun and Dylan were just as confused about what happened.

“Get back in line,” Gage barked. He grabbed me by the arm as I walked away and pulled me back, damn near pressing his lips to my ear. “Considering yourself lucky pledge. I’m not going to go up against Q, but remember this; your Big won’t always be around to bail you out, so you better watch your step.”

I picked up my booklet and took my place back in line next to Arsen. Gage stood there for a moment collecting his thoughts. He was angry. I think I’d feel the same if I were in his shoes. Q pretty much made him look irrelevant in front of the pledges. I’m sure he felt humiliated. But even though I understood where he was coming from, I sure was glad I didn’t have to take anything up my virgin ass.

“Okay, this is how it’s going to work, ladies, so pay attention,” Gage spun on his heels to ensure he had everyone’s attention. “You each have a booklet embossed with the name of the pledge you’ll be partnered with for this trail. The books contain questions – lots of questions. You’ll be hit with more questions when you think you're finished. You’ll ask your partner a question, answer, and then ask the same question back.

“Each question must be read and asked out loud. Every question must be answered completely and truthfully. That is the whole point of this exercise. We’re testing your honesty. Don’t try and tell a half-truth or a little white lie. We will know. Let me repeat that. We will know. Remember, this is The Brotherhood…there is little we don’t know. Do not skip ahead. Do not read, glance at, or think about the next question unless the previous one has been answered. You will continue filling out the books until you’re done or until a Brother knocks on your door and tells you the trial is over.” He paused and looked at his watch.

“Any questions?” He waited for about half a second before saying, “Good, let’s get to it.”

I was told to go into Ant’s room with him, but before I left the hall, I wished Arsen good luck with Mike. I was so glad I didn’t get stuck with that prick.

“Dude,” CJ said as he passed me and playfully slapped my stomach. I was expecting more, but that was it. He’s nothing if not a scholar.

I walked into Ant’s room. When he closed the doors, he pushed me from behind onto his bed and started lightly pinching my sides. “You lucky shit!” he laughed. “You almost had to take an elephant cock up your ass.”

“Tell me about it!” I flipped him around and was now on top punching his arm. We just fell back, laughing our asses off. “Holy shit! You have no idea how scared I was.”

“I can imagine! When I saw the size of that thing, I thought they were planning on tearing you a new one. But I’m sure you would’ve enjoyed it anyway. Come on, admit it. You wanted it.”

“Yeah, I love the idea of being split in two in front of an audience!”

“I can hear you now,” he laughed, then started moaning. “Oh, fuck me…harder, harder…shove that big dildo up my ass!”

“Fuck off!” I laughed and shoved him off the bed.

The banter kept up, and so did the horseplay. He kept teasing me, and I kept threatening violence, but in a brotherly way. It was just what I needed to calm my nerves. God, I loved that kid! He was so easy to get along with and fun to be around. Ant was the heart of our little crew.

Eventually, we had to stop and get down to business. “Let’s get the ball rolling,” he said, grabbing his booklet and breaking the seal with the pen. I followed his lead and sat beside him on the floor with my legs crossed. “Okay, first question….”

My God!

The questions were out of control and stupid. They asked about everything under the sun and then some. It started with the basic demographic. Name, age, where you’re from, and all that crap. It went downhill, just page after page of the dumbest questions imaginable. From my favorite number and color to the street I grew up on and the name of my first pet – they wanted it all. Favorite car, movie, actor, blah, blah, blah. We did as we were told and continued, but each inquiry begged the same reaction from us.

What was the fucking the point?

The questions were tedious sure, but more importantly, the answers were boring. What would be the point of lying about them? If this was a trial, it seemed to be challenging our patience, not our honesty.

“What is this?” Ant asked, flipping thru the pages we just finished but not daring to look ahead at the other billion pages.

I shrugged. “Who fucking knows?” I rubbed my throat and swallowed hard. “My throat is dry as hell.”

“Who cares if I ever cheated on a test in high school? Or if I can play freaking poker?” And ranted.

I started laughing. “As much fun as it is to hear you bitch, let’s keep going. I want this to be over.”

“I guess,” he nodded and asked me the next question.

I won’t bore anyone with a list of all the mundane questions they asked; I certainly don’t have the time or energy to go thru it all again.

We had just turned to page 36 when one of the Brothers entered the room. He didn’t say a word; he just threw us each a bottled water and handed me a digital voice recorder. I looked hesitantly at Ant, mentally asking him if I should ask the Brother what the recorder was for. He didn’t have to say a word; the look on Ant’s face clearly said, ‘Don’t do it.’

I followed his silent advice and kept quiet until the Brother left.

“What do you think?” I asked as I gulped my water. “Are we supposed to start using the recorder instead of writing shit down now?”

“No clue,” he answered with a shrug. “I say we just keep doing what we’re doing until we have reason to do otherwise.”

On and on, the questions continued. We started to notice every so often that they’d throw in a serious question here and there. The kind that forced you to stop and think if you wanted to answer truthfully. For example, we had to ask if we had ever witnessed domestic violence in our home. It was like they threw us a curve ball, as it followed a question that simply asked if we’d ever been to France. Ant and I both answered no to the domestic violence and France questions. Regardless of the question, I was telling the truth and hoped Ant was doing the same. I think he did.

Around page 47, the bullshit questions became more engaging, personal, and sexual.

“Um…” Ant blushed and suddenly looked uncomfortable.

“What?” I inquired.

Then he started laughing. “How old were you when you jerked off for the first time?”

“What? Are you fucking serious? It says that?” I tried to look inside the book with my name on it, but he pulled it away.

“Hey man, I’m just reading what’s in the book. Don’t shoot the messenger!”

It wasn’t a big deal. The question didn’t bother me, but it was so out of the blue that it surprised me. “Hmmm, let me think. I wouldn’t want to get this wrong,” I laughed. “I think I was twelve. At least as far as I can remember.” Ant was eleven. The next question asked if we had ever tasted our load, and we both answered yes to that one. Seriously, what guy has tried it at least once?

We threw a few more questions at each other, and Ant asked me if I’d ever eaten a girl out. Of course, I answered yes. Ant, on the other hand, responded no when I asked him. I must admit that kind of surprised me. A stud like Ant hasn’t gone down on a chick?

The next question was if I ever sucked a cock. I answered no. Even though I had this ‘thing’ going on with Q, we hadn’t done anything heavy. I have to admit, the tone of these new questions started to freak me out a little. What if a question in there would give Q and I away? Of course, if a question came up, I’d have to lie through my teeth, but I was still afraid the Brothers might somehow know the truth. I could only hope Q would cover it up on his end.

“So same question back at you,” I said, “have you ever sucked a cock?” I automatically started to write in ‘no,’ figuring that would be the answer. But when Ant didn’t answer me immediately, I stopped and looked at him. Ant was a hundred miles away, absently tapping the book with his pen. “Yo Ant!” He still didn’t say anything - even after I snapped my fingers at him. “Okay…I’ll just put you down for a ‘no’ then.”

“Don’t,” he said just as I started to write. “The answer is yes.”

I wrote down his answer and left it at that. Yes, I was shocked and curious, but I didn’t ask. And it was clear he wasn’t going to volunteer any information, so I sure wasn’t going to ask him for any. Something was clearly on his mind, for it took him a minute to collect himself, but he eventually flipped the page and asked me some lame-ass question I don’t even remember anymore.

I do remember this, though, when I flipped my page, expecting to find the same lass-ass question, it wasn’t there. Instead, there was a white sticker over the question with instructions. “Well, this is new,” I said, looking up at Ant. “It says to start the recorder and remove the sticker when I’m ready to ask the question. I’m not supposed to stop or interrupt you until you’re done.”

I reread the instructions, then looked up at Ant. “What do you think that’s all about?”

“No idea,” he answered, pointing at the following question in his book, “but it looks like I have a similar question for you. There’s a sticker in this book too.”

“Well, only one way to find out.” I started the recorder and pulled off the sticker. I don’t know why, but I did it quickly, like pulling off a band-aid. “Describe how your first relationship came about and why it’s now your most painful memory.” I pulled my brows together and jerked my head back a little. “That’s a fucking odd question.”

I smirked and looked up at Ant. It was like I was looking at a ghost. His face was pale, and his expression was blank. He spaced as if I had just told him his dog died or some shit. Ant wasn’t expecting that question to be thrown at him. I wanted to say something to him. To ensure he was okay, I remembered the sticker warning not to interrupt him while the recorder was on.

I just sat there in awkward silence. I didn’t know where to look; it felt wrong to just stare at him. I gave him his space by looking aimlessly around the room. I couldn’t help but wonder what question was waiting for me under Ant’s sticker. It couldn’t possibly be the same question I asked Ant. It wouldn’t apply; I don’t have that kind of experience to share with him. But I figured it had to be something that would make me just as uncomfortable as I made Ant feel. I felt like such a dick for doing that to him. But I was under orders; at this point, all I could do was wait until he told his story.

“I uh…I uh…”

I looked at him the moment he started to speak. He wasn’t looking at me. Instead, his eyes were fixed on some random spot on the floor.

“I grew up in your typical white suburban neighborhood, complete with the soccer moms, minivans, and SUVs in the driveways. It was the kind of place where the worst crime you might hear about was someone jaywalking or a kid stealing penny candy from the corner store. You know, some bullshit like that. It was a small town, but it was our town, and everyone loved it. It was the kind of place where you knew everyone, and you always felt safe.”

I’m guessing a random memory came to him because he laughed to himself before he continued. “When I was five, the family across the street moved away. I remember because the entire neighborhood made a big deal about it by throwing them a block party as a going-away gift. I don’t remember much about it, you know, being five and all. But to this day, people still talk about it. It was a big hit.

“Anyway, the Rodriguez family bought the house a few months later. They were the first Hispanic family to move into our neighborhood. They were the first non-white family period. My mom was worried about them. She was afraid they wouldn’t be accepted at face value. You know how small towns can be… close-knit, self-preserving, and hard to break into. So, mom made it her mission to ensure they got a fair chance.” Ant smiled and looked at me for the first time since he started talking. “My mom is cool like that.”

“Anyway, two days after the family settled in, my mom organized the other neighborhood ladies into an ad hoc welcoming committee and knocked on the Rodriguez’s front door. They were warm, friendly, down-to-earth, and an instant hit. The whole neighborhood loved them. They brought a special kind of flavor our community was seriously lacking. My mom and Teresa hit it off, and our two families became close. The cool thing for me was they had a five-year-old son, Alessandro. Oddly enough, our birthdays fell on the same day, so we always celebrated them together.

“Alessandro and I were inseparable. It started with play dates in the afternoon that turned into sleepovers as we got older. We had daycare together, pre-school, and all that jazz. We became like brothers.” He laughed suddenly and threw his head back. “The joke in the neighborhood was that we were brothers from another mother. I loved it. He was my best friend in the whole world.”

Ant stopped suddenly. I don’t know if he was just collecting his thoughts or remembering something unpleasant, but it looked like something was bothering him.

“For our 13th birthday, we had a massive party at my house. All the kids came over, and many of us were around the same age except for Ricky. At sixteen, he was the oldest boy on our block, and all the boys looked up to him as if he was God’s gift to everybody…, especially the girls. He was the oldest, and by default, that made him the coolest. He was already six feet tall with a nice jock build. To us kids, he was damn near an adult. Plus, he went out with Missy. She was the prettiest girl on the block and a year older than him. That alone scored him major points with the boys in the neighborhood.

“All the boys wanted to be like him, and he knew it. At our party that afternoon, he kept showing off by making out with Missy in plain sight of us. Soon, everyone was talking all this crap about what they would do if they had a hot-ass girlfriend like Missy. Remember, we were barely 13 years old; it’s not like we had any idea what the fuck we were talking about.”

He laughed softly.

“At one point during Ricky and Missy’s deep tongue kissing session, I remember looking at Alessandro and thinking how nice he looked, how grown. It was summer and hot, so none of us guys had our shirts on, especially since we had just finished playing an intense game of freeze tag. We were always outdoors playing games and sports, so even at thirteen, our bodies were already starting to take shape. In my head, I remember us looking more like 14-year-olds, but honestly, that might just be a distorted memory. But it wasn’t Alessandro’s build that made him stand out; it was his complexion. There he was, an amazing, bronzed body amidst all these white boys. It was the kind of natural tan any white person would slap their grandma to achieve.”

I busted out laughing.

“Plus, he had these dazzling green eyes that stood out like two bright beacons set against the evening sky; long, wavy hair as black as the darkest night; a smile that could take hold of you when you least expect it….”

Ant trailed off, lost in his memories. After hearing him describe Alessandro, I began to get the picture. It was kind of sweet, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“That night, Alessandro slept over at my house. My parents always let us stay in the basement family room during sleepovers. It was nice because my friends and I would have our privacy, and my parents rarely came down after we ate dinner. We were lying on the floor on our stomachs, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, dressed for bed in only our boxer briefs. We read some gaming magazines and talked about the party, particularly Ricky.

“‘I don’t get what the big deal is,’ Alessandro said. ‘Ricky slips Missy his tongue, and all the guys go ape shit over it. Like they’ve never seen a guy and girl kiss before. They’ve got cable, don’t they?’

“‘I know!’ I agreed. ‘But I bet half the guys here tonight probably jack off to the thought of kissing Missy.’

“We laughed our asses off.

“‘Not me!’ Alessandro insisted as if he was taking some big stand. ‘She doesn’t do it for me.’

“‘Bull!’ I countered.

“‘No really,’ he kept insisting. ‘She’s not even my type.’

“‘Oh really? What’s your type then?’

“He was looking at me, and I was staring at him, waiting for him to answer me. The answer he gave wasn’t the one I was expecting. He simply leaned over and kissed me on the lips. I was fucking stunned. I couldn’t move or say a word. My best friend of eight years just kissed me. What was I supposed to say to that?

“The second Alessandro realized what he had done, he freaked out, bolted out of the basement, and ran outside. It took me a few seconds to snap out of it and run after him. Now picture this! Two boys ran from backyard to backyard in their underwear at like two in the morning. And for some reason, all the neighbors thought it’d be a good idea to have their sprinklers going simultaneously.

“I wanted to yell out his name, but I didn’t feel like waking up half the neighborhood, so all I could do was run after him. Alessandro was fast, but as every game of tag had ever proved – I was faster. It didn’t take me long to catch up to him. I grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him to stop.

“‘Hold on!’ I said to him as I spun him around. The bastard punched me! I was dazzled and had to take a few steps back. I remember we were in the Corbin’s backyard, and it was sprinkler central. Our bodies were assaulted with cold water with every spin of the sprinkler head. Before long, we were drenched. And my cheek was bright red.

I could tell he felt bad the second he saw me rubbing my cheek.

“‘Ant, I’m so sorry!’ he said, walking towards me with his hand outstretched.

“The second he got close enough, I fucking decked him in the jaw and tackled his ass to the ground. It was the first time we ever got physical with each other. We horsed around all the time and loved wrestling, but this was different.

“I landed on top of him and pinned his hands over his head so he couldn’t hit me. He starts yelling for me to get off him. All I could think was this idiot would wake up the whole neighborhood, especially my parents. So, what did I do to shut him up? I kissed him, just like that. I wanted to punch him, but instead, I kissed him. He struggled for all of two seconds, then kissed me back. It wasn’t a quick peck like before. This time there was some serious making out going on.

“I released his hands and expected him to push me off, but he never did. Instead, he wrapped his around me and held me close as we continued to make out.

“Alessandro was my first kiss,” he said, the sadness in his voice unmistakable. “I was his. It felt incredible.

“I finally rolled off him and laid by his side. ‘That was hot,’ I said between breaths.

“We both started laughing hysterically.

“That’s when the Corbin’s kitchen light came on. We jumped up and ran back to my place, giggling the whole way there. There was a lot of talking to be done that night. We were open and honest about our feelings for each other which led to some amazing self-discovery. Not to mention a lot of exploration and firsts that night. We were a little freaked out because we knew what it all meant. The only thing we knew about gays was stuff we saw on T.V or the jokes people cracked about them in school. Still, we decided to take a chance and see where we’d end up.”

He paused for a moment, slipped his hand thru his hair, and rested his face on his open palm. “I was so in love,” he added. The pain in those words made my stomach twist. “I’m sure you’re thinking, what do two thirteen-year-olds know about love?” Ant smirked softly. “But it’s true! It wasn’t a one-time thing or a phase we were going thru. Even though we had to keep it all secret, it felt natural. It was authentic. We were together all thru junior high and high school. Six incredible years together; I mean, we had our ups and downs like any other couple. We sure weren’t perfect, but we grew more in love with each day when it was all said and done. Alessandro was everything to me.

“We dated girls to keep up appearances, but we hated every minute. Every couple of months or so, we’d date some random girls from school for a month or two so people wouldn’t talk. And I don’t know what it was, but we always managed to get the innocent yet slutty girls who were more than willing to jump down our pants. I don’t know if there was just something in the water or what, but it was fucking annoying as hell.

Kissing was as far as we were willing to go with our ‘girlfriends’ because sleeping with them was a thought we simply wouldn’t consider. We were already using them for our sakes, so sleeping with them would be an all-time low. Besides, we were too much in love to sit back, knowing we were screwing other people.

“We did all the normal shit couples did like go to the mall or the movies, but we usually did double dates so Alessandro and I could be together. It was funny walking around with our arms around them while we looked at each other. They probably wouldn’t have felt the same way, but that’s all water under the bridge now.”

“A little mischievous grin appeared on his lips. ‘I remember when we were seventeen, the four of us went to the movies. The theater wasn’t busy, at least not for that movie, but we still sat in the back. Our girls sat between us, and we started making out with them at some point. The girls were totally into it, with their eyes closed and everything. Yet the whole time we kissed them, we rolled our eyes at each other. We were holding hands behind the seats. We did shit like that all the time. Mainly to see what we could get away with, especially in public.

“Alessandro winked at me, nodded towards the screen, and then pulled away from Mandy. ‘Babe, I have to go to the bathroom; I’ll be back.’ He got up and slapped me as he walked by me.

“Yeah, I have to go too,’ I whispered and followed him. “We snuck away so that we could go make out in the bathroom or run out to the car quick to take care of certain things.”

Ant snickered.

“We got an ear full when we returned to the theater. The girls simply didn’t understand why we were MIA for almost twenty minutes. We broke up with them that night and went to the mall parking lot, where I gave his ass a good pounding. We discovered having sex in public places got us horned up. I confess, after that night, we started doing it everywhere!”

Ant laughed.

“We were perfect together, so happy and so much in love. In five years, our passion never faded, not even a little. Eventually, after all that time, we got tired of constantly having to be careful and afraid someone was going to out us. About a month before we turned eighteen, we decided to come out to our parents. We were scared as hell. We flipped a coin to see whose parents we’d tell first, and I lost.

“I was so fucking nervous that night. We came downstairs from my room and sat on the couch across from my parents. I was so fidgety and couldn’t sit still. My mom instantly got the concerned ‘mom-look’ on her face.

“‘Mom, Dad…we have something we want to tell you,’ That was all I was able to say. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get the words out. I kept choking up and even started tearing up a little. I couldn’t do it. The last thing I wanted to do was break my parent’s hearts. Alessandro took the lead and slipped his hand into mine. He then put his other arm around me. That’s all it took. My mom covered her mouth and started to cry. My father stood up. I braced myself for the yelling match that was about to ensue.

“But my dad surprised me by sitting next to Alessandro and putting his arms around us. Then my mom sat next to me and did the same. Alessandro and I looked at each other, wondering what weird dimension we walked into. My parents had always suspected there was more between us than we let on. They just never said anything; they thought it best to wait until we were ready to tell them ourselves.

“All in all, it wasn’t as bad as we thought it would be. There was a lot more to it, about two days’ worth of discussions, but everything turned out okay in the end.

“The following week, we decided to tell Alessandro’s parents. We weren’t as nervous this time around. Everything went so well with my parents; like them, Alessandro’s folks loved me like a second son. We were in the same situation, sitting on a couch across from his parents. Alessandro didn’t waste any time, even though I could tell he was just as nervous as I was when we told my parents. He just came out and said the words ‘I’m gay,’ and his parents just looked at us. His father laughed and asked if he was joking. Alessandro choked out a small ‘no.’ His father rubbed his face and fell silent.

“Out of nowhere, his father exploded with anger. We jerked back when he stood up because it looked like he was about to hit us. He was yelling so loud we could barely understand him. His mom just sat there, shaking her head and balling her eyes out. A few minutes ago, I was like a son to him. Now he was calling me every name in the book.”

Ant stopped his story. He took a deep breath, then looked at me with tears. “I’m not going to repeat them, Jacob.”

I simply shook my head in understanding. I didn’t know what else to say.

Ant looked down at the floor for a minute, then wiped his eyes. Again, he looked at me. “Did I mention how much I loved Alessandro?”

I smiled gently, “Yes, a couple of times.”

He nodded and smiled too, but his smile had an inherent sadness.

Another deep breath and Ant continued with his story. “That’s when he smacked the hell out of Alessandro.”

“Who?” I know I wasn’t supposed to interrupt, but I was lost.

“His father. He had always been strict, even harsh, but neither of us expected this violent reaction. I know it took Alessandro by surprise. From his position on the couch, it was all he could do to protect his head and upper body. I got pissed and shoved his dad backward. He raised his hand to hit me but managed to control himself. He was shaking, but he just yelled for me to get out. When I didn’t move, his mom started screaming that it was my fault and they wanted me out. I wasn’t welcome in their home…my second home, for more than a decade.

“I couldn’t take it anymore. The last thing I heard as I ran out was his father telling me to ‘stay the fuck away from their son.’ I could hear Alessandro trying to follow, but his father must’ve stopped him because he never came. I walked home, fuming mad. By this time, his family had moved two blocks down and around the corner to a bigger house, so, unfortunately, I had a little walk ahead of me. People I knew passed by me on the street. They tried to start a conversation with me, but I blew them off. I got home and went straight to my room.

“A little while later, I got a text from Alessandro telling me just to give everything some time to blow over and not to worry if we didn’t talk for a while. His father was taking everything away from him…his cell phone, computer, car…basically he was grounded for eternity. He told me to give it two weeks, and he’d find a way to swing by my place; any sooner, we might just make matters worse. I told him I was cool with that and that I’d miss him. He replied, ‘ditto.’

“Two weeks came and went. I so desperately wanted to see him. I hadn’t heard a single word from him in all that time. I figured his father had him on some serious lockdown. I didn’t even dare walk or drive on their street for those two weeks. I was so depressed; that I barely left my room anyway. All I wanted to do was be with him.

“Two and half weeks later, I was done waiting around. I couldn’t take another day without him. I decided to visit Alessandro. I left my house around one in the morning and went thru all the backyards so I could come up behind his house. You know, just in case anyone was up. There was this big ass tree by his window I used to sneak in and out of his room during school nights.

“The blinds were shut, so I softly knocked on the window, but he never answered. I tried a few more times, and still nothing. I tried the window and was surprised to find it unlocked. I felt like an idiot.”

Again, Ant stopped telling his story. At least out loud. The look on his face and the pain in his eyes told me that every agonizing moment was playing out in vivid detail somewhere inside his mind.

“I uh…” He rubbed his eyes. “I stepped thru the window into an empty room. There was nothing inside but some boxes and loose paper. The whole house was empty.” He paused for a moment as the first few tears slowly rolled down his cheeks. “I kept telling myself this can’t be happening; it wasn’t happening. But no matter how many times I said those words, it didn’t change the fact that he was gone. It hit hard when I was standing in their empty living room, replaying the night we came out to his parents repeatedly in my head.

“I ran up to his room again and stomped on the floor. There was a loose floorboard he used to hide all his porn; if I were him, I know what I’d do. Sure enough, there was nothing left but an envelope. I tore thru that sucker like it had a check for ten million dollars inside. Honestly, I would’ve paid that much to have him back again. I still would.

“There was a letter inside, addressed to me. I’ve read it so many times that it’s become a permanent part of me.

“He wrote:

“Anthony, my truest love, I’m so sorry for the way things went down with my parents. I had no idea they were going to act like that. Please believe I would never have put you thru that had I known. You’re sitting in my empty room if you're reading this. My father got a little crazy that night. Do you remember that job he was offered overseas but had turned down because he didn’t want to move us away from our friends and family? Well, he called them back and took the job. As I write this, I’m only hours away from boarding a plane to London. Crazy, isn’t it? He keeps talking about sending me to a military school to ‘straighten me out.’ He sounds serious about it. I’m scared.

“I’m so sorry you have to find out this way, but I couldn’t get a message to you. He pretty much had me under lock and key. I was never allowed out of his sight. My father can be scary when he wants to be. I won’t even talk about the beating he gave me that night.

“I just want you to know that I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I will never stop loving you. We may have an entire ocean between us now, but that won’t be enough to keep us apart. I promise you! Stay strong for me, and know that I will find you again. I’ll do whatever it takes, but I swear, I’ll find you.

“I love you so much, baby – Alessandro.”

The tears were just flowing down his face like water. I was going to say something, but he continued talking.

“I read that letter, and it hurt to breathe. I couldn’t move! I couldn’t think! Touch me, and I was in pain. I was on the floor, crying my eyes out. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. At that moment, a part of me has torn away. They took him from me. They just took him from me….”

He kept repeating that over and over again until he finally broke down and started balling. Oh my god, my heart hurt for him. I’ve never heard anything so sad. Watching him cry like that made my eyes tear right up. This was Ant, for crying out loud. One of the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet. I crawled over to Ant and hugged him close to me. He clung to me like a little kid does to a parent.

“I miss him so much, Jacob!” he cried into my shoulder. “It hurts to think about him!”

“I know, bud, I know….” I did my best to comfort him. I admit I couldn’t stop a few tears from rolling down my cheeks. I don’t care how hardcore you are; if you knew Ant and saw him like that, you’d break down too.

We were like that for ten minutes, easy, until he finally started to calm down some. The tears stopped, and he was breathing normally again. He patted me on the side as he pulled away.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get all crazy on you. It’s just….”

“It’s okay, Ant. Don’t worry about it. You’re fine.” I thought the best thing to do then was to lift his spirits. “So let me get this straight. Are you saying you’re gay?”

“You ass!” He laughed and punched my leg. It was the perfect way to lighten the mood.

We laughed, and I ruffled his hair. “You okay?”

Ant nodded.

“Have you heard from…”

“No…I haven’t heard from him since.” He smiled. “But I believe it when he says he’ll find me.”

I ruffled his hair again and smiled along with it. “Good! Because I believe it too!”

“Ugh!” he roared and pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes. “Okay, I’m done being a little bitch! Let’s just get this over with.”

“You sure you’re, okay?”

“No, but I will be.” He waited for me to move my ass back to where I was sitting. “Not to be an ass, but your question better be as fucked up as mine.”

“Oh, I’m sure it will be. Come hit me with it!”

Ant cleared his throat and tore the sticker off. “Um…okay.” He read the question to himself first and looked confused. “Well, that doesn’t make any sense. How do they expect you to do that?”

“Do what?”

“Okay, it says here to describe your first memory and the subsequent events.” He snickered. “How the hell do they expect you to do that? I can barely remember what happened a month ago, never mind my childhood memories. This can’t be right.”

All I heard was “first memory.”

Then my world fell apart. My mouth went dry; my vision tunneled, and my head felt heavy. Too heavy to hold up. I knew Ant was still talking, but everything seemed muffled like my brain had swollen into my ears. The room was bright, yet everything seemed black at the same time.

I was frozen in place as painful memories flooded my mind. The first ten years of my life are blank, making the first time I opened my eyes in those woods a memory I’d never forget. I was ten years old and being born for the first time – again. It wasn’t the most pleasant experience. There was screaming—lots of screaming. Yet I was alone and terrified. This was not something I was ready to relive again. I’d never spoken about that night to anyone outside my immediate family and the police detectives.

I always thought it would stay that way.

“Hey, are you okay?” Ant asked and shook my leg.

“Huh…what?”

“Dude, are you okay? You look as bad as I feel right now.” He reread the question. “Maybe we should talk to one of the Brothers because this can’t be right.”

“No, it’s right,” I said reluctantly.

“Bullshit.”

“No, really, Ant,” I sighed. “No bullshit. My first memory…fuck, I can’t believe after so many years, I’m going to retell this story again. Just when the nightmares had stopped. I fucking hate my life….”