Nix’s words were like having a spear rammed through her gut and Marlow doubled over. She squeezed at her belly with one arm while bracing herself on the other as a surge of emotion rampaged in her chest. Her arms began to shake and that tingling sensation returned to the tips of her fingers and her fin. She bit her lip hard enough to taste the metallic tang of her own blood.

A war. Going to see her family could not only put her in danger and risk getting herself killed, but it might spark a generations-old conflict back up between two cultures that were clearly meant to remain separate. How had she gotten tangled up in all of this when all she had ever wanted was a quiet life with her family, tending crops and selling crafts and the rewards of the harvest at vendor stalls?

“Marlow…Marlow, pellugcete, forgive me; I know you are cross right now, but you are getting too numb and I have to,” Nix murmured as she leaned forward and wrapped her good arm around Marlow. She pulled her close against her torso and began rubbing Marlow’s back and over her dorsal.

As furious as Marlow had been with Nix and suspected she would be again before long, she did desperately need a moment of comfort in her misery and she found herself clinging to the other mer as sobs shook her form. “I-I just miss them so much. Nix, I just want to go home, I do not know what to do,” she whimpered.

Nix hummed and continued to drag her hand up and down over Marlow’s back. Nix’s hand was a little chilly at surface contact, but it radiated an underlying heat that Marlow’s skin drank in greedily. It did nothing to quell the agony in her chest, but it did take away the numb tingles that were previously nipping at her.

“Oh, Marlow…I am so sorry. We only sought to save you, not cause this much metqe, this much suffering. I cannot take it from you, but I wish I could.”

“I just want to go home.”

“I know,” Nix whispered. “But this is your home now, Marlow. It could feel like it, if you let it.” When Marlow shook her head, Nix squeezed her more tightly. “It could,” she reiterated. “I have seen you. Axen adores you and I have seen how you talk with Precanna and with Delthor; you are making friends. You could be happy, Marlow. And I will always be here to help you heal; I am your ataliumasta and that is never going to change. Our pod is an ilakel, a family, and we just want to offer you a part in that. It does not have to all be miserable if you just let us help.”

Marlow shook her head again. “I am grateful, Nix, I am, but it is not the same. It is eating me alive not to know if my family are alright or not. I know it is risky, but there has to be a way that I can just…check on them? Please Nix? They…they do not even have to know that we are there, I just need to see for myself,” she pleaded.

“Marlow…” Nix’s voice sounded so strained that Marlow pressed forward desperately.

“Please, Nix. You promised me. You promised that you would take me. And you just said no more lies. I do not want to be angry anymore, please just…show me I can trust you. Keep your promise. When your shoulder is better, take me to the shore. Promise me now, and then I will know,” she begged.

But Nix did not reply. Instead, she stopped rubbing Marlow’s back and grew rigid, and silence stretched between the two of them.

As it did, Marlow felt like her heart was rotting in her chest like an apple core left in the sun. She pulled from Nix’s grasp and sat back on her tail. It put pressure on her lower dorsal, but she paid the discomfort no mind as she stared up into Nix’s crystal gaze. “Nix?”

Nix sighed and hugged herself with a grimace. “Marlow, you are my picirn, but what you are asking is for me to send you to your death.”

When Nix broke her gaze and looked away, it was like Marlow was struck by a lightning bolt. A lot of what she had overheard was beginning to make sense, and was being confirmed. She chewed on her lip and swallowed the lump clogging up her throat. Her fingers curled into fists and she shook her head. “You have no intention of taking me back to my family,” she muttered. “You promised me, but you always meant to break it. That was what Delthor meant when he said you were being unfair; you were stringing me along.”

Nix sighed and a jet of bubbles shot from her gills before she shrugged. “Marlow, I-”

“Tell me why,” Marlow interrupted. “I do not understand. You keep saying that you are my friend and you care about me, and yet you are lying and hurting me. Why would you do it? What would it have achieved? Why make the promise if you never intended to follow up on it? I understand I was not receptive at first, but lately? You could have told me the truth earlier than this, I would have found another way if you do not want any part in it.”

Nix bared her fangs and hissed. “I do not want you to find some other way, Marlow. That is why. I do not want to see you get killed. I do care about you and you are my friend. Perhaps you can understand why I cannot bear the thought of something bad happening to you. Eqnayug! You are not listening, Marlow!”

“Neither are you,” Marlow hissed back.

Nix sighed again and shook her head. Her voice softened as she spoke again. “Marlow, you are my picirn and-”

“You keep saying that, but I do not know what that means!” Marlow protested with a hiss. She lashed her tail and it stirred some of the sand and bits of moss into the water around them. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she growled.

“Perhaps one day, Marlow, you will understand what it means. But only if you live long enough. I will not deny that I lied to you and I misled you, and it was wrong of me to do, but I did it with your best interests in mind,” Nix pressed. Her shoulders had sagged and she looked so utterly defeated that Marlow almost felt guilty, but she was still angry and she had no proper outlet for that except to aim it at the black and white mer in front of her. “It was not that I wanted or intended to break my promise to you, Marlow, I just…had hoped that it would not come to this and that I would not have to keep it. There are things you still do not understand.”

“Then enlighten me,” Marlow hissed. “What could possibly make you not have to keep it? Did you think I would change my mind about going?”

“Yes.”

Marlow pulled back and felt her eyes widen as she stared at Nix with a slack jaw. She could not be serious, surely? Marlow fumbled for a moment and the sheer shock was enough to weaken the fire burning in her chest, but then it returned like an inferno a moment later. “You know how much I care about my family, Nix. I told you, I told you so many times. This is important to me, more important than anything; why would you think that I would ever change my mind about wanting to see them?”

“Because you will, Marlow, if you just give yourself time. You are human born, and that is what happens.”

“W-what do you mean?”

Nix reached out and placed a hand over Marlow’s. Marlow considered pulling away, but decided just to ignore the contact for now. “It is part of the change, Marlow. It is designed to aid you in adjusting to a new life. Sometimes it is immediate, but some mer need more time – like you – but it does have an effect on your memories.”

Marlow tensed and her eyes narrowed as she peered suspiciously at Nix. “How can being a mer make me forget? You seem to remember a little of being human.”

Nix chewed on her lip and shook her head. “I remember what Esthiel told me of how she found me, Marlow. I do not remember being human. But I am a unique case because I was so young. It is not that the change will force you to forget, it is just that it takes away the emotional attachment to the things of before your rebirth. You may ask any of the other human-born if you choose not to believe me. Your attachment to your family will fade and while you may remember, you simply will no longer care. Many choose to allow those memories to slip into the silt and they forget, but that is a choice. You may remember them, perhaps even fondly, but you will no longer be consumed by this need to see them.”

Marlow’s lips pulled back and she bared her teeth. Her tail lashed and she curled her fingers into the moss below them. “That will never happen, Nix!”

The sympathy that sparkled in Nix’s eyes only made Marlow’s anger grow. “Oh Marlow, it already has. You went three days without asking me once about returning to the shore. The first few days you were so desperate, but then nothing. You were happy playing with Axen and being here. It is only last night that is bringing this about. I should not have brought up you learning to hunt or exploring beyond our cavern, you were not quite ready and I believed that you were. It dredged the desire back up and you started asking again.”

It should have been easy to protest. Marlow raised a finger at Nix and opened her mouth to protest, but her voice died in her throat. There had been a gap where she had enjoyed playing with Axen until her energy ran dry and then spending the evening talking with Nix. Nix has told her some stories about things up in the ice waters and some fascinating things about the ocean that Marlow had almost wanted to see for herself. For a little bit, she had not thought about the land at all in that time. Her heart began to hammer in her chest and she swallowed a lump in her throat as she pulled her whole family to mind.

She nearly slumped with relief when she could still pull them all to mind and her heart still swelled with love for them. But doubt was needling her in the ribs, and she grimaced. If she truly thought about it, she could not tell if she was so emotional and desperate to go to the shore because she wanted to see them or because she was furious that Nix had lied to her. It churned her stomach.

“You knew that would happen?”

“Yes,” Nix confirmed. “It will be alright, Marlow.”

Marlow shook her head. She growled at the black and white mer. “You knew the whole time that me turning could take away the only thing that I care about! I told you the moment that I met you how important it was to me and the entire time, you were just placating me!” Marlow pushed herself up from the moss. “Delthor was right about a lot,” she muttered. “And he was especially right about me. I am going back to my family, Nix, you cannot change that. You are not my friend, you never were.”

She thought she saw Nix’s eyes widen, but she no longer cared. She turned and fled the cavern with Nix calling her name after her.

“Marlow! Marlow, wait!”

Marlow lashed her tail to swim faster so that she could avoid another confrontation with Nix. But the other mer continued to pursue her. “Go back and lie down, Nix,” Marlow hissed. “You are not going to stop me.”

Nix’s fingers curled around Marlow’s tail, but Marlow lashed her fin and wrenched free. With one arm mangled, Nix did not have the strength to hold her back this time. “Marlow, ciar! Wait! Please. Where are you even going?” Nix’s tone was frantic and terse, as though she had spoken with gritted teeth. She was probably in pain, but Marlow did not slow or glance back to check. Nix could take care of herself.

“To the shore,” Marlow hissed. “Go away, Nix.”

“Marlow, do not be hasty. I know you are upset, but you do not even know where the shore is.”

“Well, I know where it is not,” Marlow growled. “And leaving the cave has the added benefit of getting me away from you. Just leave me alone.”

“Pamaite! Marlow, you cannot go by yourself!” Nix finally seemed to catch an extra burst of speed, because she caught up and put her hand on Marlow’s shoulder. “Marlow, please stop. You are going numb and you are acting irrational.”

There did not seem to be any point in arguing with Nix, so Marlow did not bother with a response. Instead, she merely shrugged off Nix’s hand and kept moving. Nix was starting to fall behind, which was good. Marlow did not really wish to see her at the moment but she also did not want Nix to follow her and potentially get more injured than she already was.

“Marlow! Acivaqanir! Delthor, stop her, please!” Now that they were approaching the mouth of the cavern, Nix sounded frantic.

It was starting to attract attention, so Marlow supposed she should not have been surprised when a hand wrapped around her primary dorsal and pulled her to a halt. She twisted to stare up into Delthor’s frowning expression. As much as Marlow appreciated Delthor’s cool, to-the-point but friendly personality, she scowled at him now. “Delthor, let me go,” she growled.

Delthor shook his head and he looped an arm around her waist. “I am sorry, Marlow, but regardless of your feelings towards Nix right now, I cannot allow you to rush off in a blind state like this. You need to settle yourself down now,” he instructed. His tone remained calm and impassive, but Marlow felt anything but rational.

A heartbeat or two later, Nix caught up with them. She was panting and had a hand pressed to her shoulder while her face was completely caved in.

“Nix, go lie down,” Delthor ordered.

Nix shook her head. Her gills were flaring and she bent at the waist for a moment before seeming to catch her breath as she straightened back up. She reached out towards Marlow, who recoiled. “Marlow, please, I know you are angry but I-”

Marlow shook her head and cut Nix off with a hiss. “I do not want to hear any more lies or excuses or apologies, Nix. You and I are not friends.” Even as she said it, it made Marlow’s heart squeeze to watch the way Nix’s bright blue irises deflated with pain at the statement. She really had enjoyed the black and white mer’s company and hated that this was the outcome. “Friends do not treat each other like this. A friend would not lie and manipulate me to make the most important thing in my life meaningless. You are a bad friend and I do not want to hear anything that you have to say anymore.”

Marlow waited a moment to ensure Nix was not going to try to plead her case again before her attention shifted back to Delthor and she took a breath. “Delthor, please let go of me. I promise that I am calmer, but I refuse to stay and you cannot force me to.”

Delthor’s grip released her dorsal, but he immediately grabbed her hand instead. “What you are doing is dangerous,” he warned. His gray gradient tail stirred the water between them and his gaze was hard as he stared at her.

Marlow shrugged. Now more than ever, she was desperate to make it back to the coast. She knew if she could just see her family again, keep them alive in her heart and mind, then she could ward off whatever emotional numbing being turned into a mer was going to bring to her memories. It had to be like the physical numb that could only be warded off by contact with others. She just needed to keep in contact with her past too. “I know,” she muttered. “But I do not care. I will take the risk. I have nothing to lose.”

“Except your life,” Delthor warned.

Marlow shrugged. “I was supposed to die when I was tossed from that ship, remember? My family is my life.”

There was a moment where the three of them just hovered in silence. Then, Delthor blinked slowly and released his grip on her. He nodded. “I understand,” he agreed solemnly. Marlow pulled her hand back and rubbed her wrist before dipping her chin at him in response.

“Delthor?” Nix’s voice had a hint of desperation to it that made his name crack in her throat with a strangle.

The gray mer shook his head. “I warned you, Nix, that you would not be able to change her mind. Marlow’s choice was made the moment she was tossed from that ship and survived. Marlow, I hope you find what you need, but you understand that we cannot come after you if something happens; there are fates worse than death and you will be on your own.”

Marlow swallowed the lump in her throat and forced a wry grin she was fairly certain looked more like a grimace. “I know. I will not ask any of you to risk your lives for me, but I cannot live like this.”

Just as Marlow turned to leave, Delthor cleared his throat. “Marlow, before you depart, I would request a boon of you.”

Though she was antsy to go, Marlow respected Delthor enough to turn and meet his gaze once more. She was not certain what sort of favour he might ask of her, but while she was furious at Nix, the rest of the mer pod had been welcoming and kind to her. There was no reason to brush them off now if there was some way that she could repay them for their generosity.

Delthor’s eyes were firm and he pursed his lips. “Nix’s fears are not entirely unfounded, Marlow. I know she worries for you, but also for the rest of us. The peace we hold with humanity is incredibly fragile. One mer found straying across unspoken borders should not be enough to drive their bloodlust beyond you, but if they perceive you as a threat, they will come for our pod once more. It is selfish to ask you not to defend yourself should the worst come to pass, but we have more lives than just one to protect.”

Marlow chewed her lip and nodded. “I know,” she agreed. “I have no desire to put anyone else in danger. I will avoid ships and strangers. And if I do get caught…I am already dead; I do not know how to fight. I will not antagonize them.”

“For your own protection as well as ours, do not attempt to speak to them,” Delthor advised. “It will be hard, but it will only spook those you consider family and stir a frenzy in others. They will not hear you, but the voice of a siren attempting to sing them to their deaths.”

Agony erupted in Marlow’s chest and she wrapped her arms around herself while gritting her teeth together in her jaw. “I know,” she whimpered. “I…I will find another way…Eventually,” she added as she realized it may be a long time before she could properly interact with her family. For now, she just needed to see them. Even if they did not see her. For now, it might be better that way.

“Come back safely,” Delthor urged. “This is still your home too. That will not change.”

Marlow forced a small smile. “Thank you,” she replied. She leaned in and embraced him. He was solid and his skin smooth, and for a moment, the contact banished the numb that was nipping at her heart. Delthor hummed and patted her back before gently breaking the embrace. “It will be safer for you to travel while there is still daylight at the surface,” he urged.

Marlow did not need further prompting, so she spun in the water back towards the exit, only to nearly slam into Nix. The black and white mer had slipped around and positioned herself between Marlow and the way out. Marlow bared her fangs and growled at her. “Get out of the way,” she hissed.

Nix shook her head. “Angu. No. I will not allow you to swim to your death, Marlow.”

“You cannot stop-”

“I will not let you go…not alone. I will take you,” Nix caved. Every muscle in her body was slumped and if they were not beneath the water, Marlow suspected there would be tears in her eyes. Yet her jaw was set firmly.

Marlow shook her head and bitterness swept from the crown of her head to the tip of her tail. Nix was only trying to stall her longer. It was the tactic she had used the entire time and Marlow refused to fall for it again. “No,” she refused. “I will take my chances. I am not going to wait for you to be better, that trick will not work twice, Nix.”

“I was not asking you to wait that long,” Nix countered with a jerk of her head. Her free hand was pressed to her injury, but whatever pain she might have been in did not seem to be deterring her. “I cannot change that I deceived you, Marlow, but I will not allow my mistake to cost you your life. We will go now.”

“But…your shoulder?”

Nix shook her head again. “I have been hurt worse, Marlow. Delthor is right that I cannot stop you and I should not have tried. It was unfair and cruel to you. I will take you.”

“Nix! You are not thinking straight,” Delthor protested. “You will get the both of you killed.”

Now it was Nix who bared her teeth. Her tail lashed and she hissed into open water. “You will not stop me any more than I can stop Marlow, Delthor. I am her ataliumasta! None of you seem to understand what that means to me. If my life is forfeit to protect hers, then so be it.”

For a moment, neither of them spoke, but merely glared into one another’s gazes until Delthor backed down. “If that is your intent I-”

“Stay,” Nix refused. “The more of us there are, the harder it is to go undetected. Yuke. Have faith in me.” Nix turned to Marlow next. “I am going to go get a couple of spears. Wait here, Marlow. It is teggalqup, dangerous, to go out unarmed. If you leave, I will tail you, and it is safer for both of us to stick together.”

She was gone before Marlow had an opportunity to process or protest. She took a breath and glanced at Delthor, who was shaking his head. He met Marlow’s gaze finally and sighed. “I know you are cross with her, and you have every right to be. All I ask is that you consider that everything she has done, though not her best decisions, have been in an attempt to protect you. I am not sure exactly why being your guardian has been so important to her, but I have never seen Nix so passionate or focused on a single task before. Her feelings are more delicate than she lets on.”

“I am starting to understand that,” Marlow agreed. She was still angry at having been deceived, but a lot of the red-hot rage had started to fizzle out. It would be cruel to hold her grudge so firmly if Nix was about to risk her life for Marlow. Not that she really wanted anyone else to be in danger.

She did not get the chance to say anything more before Nix returned cradling two spears in the crook of one arm. The long branches had been stripped of any bark and had thick bindings securing what looked like a jagged rock to one and the tooth of something Marlow had no desire to meet on the other.

Marlow hesitantly reached out and took one of the spears. It was the one with the pointy rock tip. As she held it, she understood what Nix had meant a few days ago when she had said that spears could be a little bulky and cumbersome. They were long, so they provided more reach, but dragged in the water. Marlow wondered if Nix would even be able to use hers one-handed as she was. She glanced up at Nix and found the other mer tightly gripping the spear and staring back at her with grim determination.

“Are you sure?” Marlow pressed.

Nix blinked slowly. “You are my picirn,” she replied simply. “Maligte. Let us go.”