Don’t Worry About It, Ralph. You’ll Love It There.

Ralph Newman visited his allergist:

“It’s getting worse every year, Doc. I have to wear this respirator and these goggles to go outside.”

“I understand.” The doctor checked Ralph’s ears, nose, and throat. “Unfortunately, there isn’t anything else I can do for you. With worsening climate change, everything is out of whack, and you’re facing what many allergy sufferers are calling ‘an eternal spring of misery.’

“So that means it’s all hopeless?”

“Not quite, Ralph. I can write you a prescription for an expedited move to a Martian colony.”

“How’s that gonna help?” Ralph sneezed. “Excuse me.”

“Here’s their brochure.” The doctor handed Ralph a holo-paper and a tissue. “They claim to be the first ‘hypoallergenic’ colony. A sanctuary for hundreds of millions of allergy sufferers just like yourself.”

Ralph read the brochure. “Looks good, Doc. Their price?”

“You’ll have to call them, and there might be a queue. The sooner you sign up, the better.”

Ralph went home and contacted the number on the brochure:

“Thank you for calling Inhale, the first Martian colony where you can freely breathe again in the open air. This is Linda speaking. How can I help you?”

“My name’s Ralph Newman. My doctor wrote me a prescription for migration and recommended that I move to your colony.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful, Ralph! Our workers are busily terraforming our private Martian territory as we speak. We have a five-year waiting list. Shall I put you on it?”

“Five years? That’s too long. They say allergens will get a lot worst next year.”

“Oh, I see Ralph. Well, you can sign up for our labor force. We offer free housing, medical, food, a living wage, and you get to breathe normally again.”

“What’s the catch?”

“Oh, there’s no catch, Ralph. It’s all 100% legal. Once you sign up with our five-year work program, you’re obligated to fulfill your end of the contract.”

“And if I don’t?”

“I’m sure you’d stay, Ralph, but in the event that you’d want to leave, you’d need to furnish your own transportation back to Earth.”

“But, that’d cost millions of dollars ..."

“Don’t worry about it, Ralph. You’ll love it there.”