Petting Zoo

“$5,000 for 5 minutes is my going rate per showing,” replied James Smith, a retired military officer.

“That’s quite expensive, Mr. Smith,” said Joseph Frankel, an exotic animal enthusiast.

“Yes, I know, but it cost me a lot to smuggle the critter in. Besides that, I’ll need the funds to escape if the authorities hear about this.”

“How did you acquire the critter?” asked Joseph.

“Oh, that’s an interesting story ... I was serving in a Space Force special operations unit defending the wormhole when HQ detected a potential invasion. So we were given orders to strike preemptively.”

“That’s incredible. Did you actually enter the wormhole with a fleet?”

“Yes.” James nodded. “We orbited an Earth-sized exoplanet in the habitable zone. That’s where we found billions of little critters crawling on its surface. They looked fairly harmless, and we all wondered, where’s the invasion?”

“Go on ...” said Joseph.

“Alright, so we scanned further and found giant ships on the surface, attempting to launch, covered by the critters. Mission control said the critters likely acted out in self-defense. There was no evidence that the giants lived on the barren planet, so they clearly arrived as hunter-invaders.”

“How did you manage to save the critters?”

“That part was simple. We found the giant species’ mothership opening a wormhole and blew it up. Soon after, we destroyed the remaining giant ships in space. Then we launched a warning buoy against future would-be invaders.”

“Ah, so you took a critter home with you, Mr. Smith? Was it worth the risk?”

“It’s provided a good income for sure. You’re the first person who ever wanted to pet it. I personally wouldn’t consider that. I’ve never touched one. Exobiologists believe they can consume anything they touch for food. That’s why the species could survive on such a barren planet.”

“I too am a risk-taker, Mr. Smith. I couldn’t let this opportunity go.”

“Very well, Mr. Frankel. Come with me.”

James escorted Joseph into a room where he kept the critter caged.

“How do you feed it, Mr. Smith?”

“I toss my trash in there. It really does eat anything.”

“The room is spotless.” Joseph pointed at the floor.

“I know, right? I’m surprised the military hasn’t weaponized them. Imagine the possibilities. But, I don’t know if the critters are trainable, unless, of course, there’s a secret project going on. I’ve been retired for a few years, and I’ve been out of the loop.”

“How do we proceed?” asked Joseph.

James opened a box. “I’ve rigged up this contraption to grab the critter by the mouth and tail, inside the cage, all you have to do is reach inside.”

They both walked up to the cage, and James grasped the critter with the device. The creature squealed with an ear-deafening pitch while Joseph petted it, then it broke the holding device and bit Joseph on the hand.

“Mr. Smith, please help me! I’m on fire!” Joseph’s skin began to melt off, and his body started to disintegrate.

James ran to the door and locked it. Meanwhile, he monitored Joseph ...

Most of Joseph’s body dissolved into a liquid, but a small portion of him transformed into a critter.

“Mr. Frankel, can you hear me? Is that still you?”

The critter-Joseph nodded and squealed.

“Oh shit! I guess they were wrong about the real invaders ... Hmm ... I’ll bet I can charge more now for two—or three, or four. Perhaps make an entire petting zoo.”

James got on the phone and made a call.

“Yeah?”

“Hey Aaron, long time no talk.”

“Oh, it’s you, James. I’m surprised you called after our fight. Has your broken arm healed? Look, man, I’m sorry. I’ve been sober for months now. How’s my sister? I mean, your wife?”

“Margaret’s doing well, and my arm has healed ... I’m calling to offer an olive branch.”

“Huh? What do you mean, James?”

“Just come on over, Aaron. I’ve got something extraordinary to show you.”