Chapter 40

Stop this! For the love of the gods, remember where you are right now! I can feel Kayman’s hands around my throat and it wipes out any sense of rationality remaining in my head. What else can I do right now? I reach out and grab the pickaxe I know is there and I swing it high this time, impaling the pick through the side of his throat. His arms lose all strength as his blood comes down like a waterfall right onto my face. The warm splash seems to wake me up and I’m back in the kitchen, Wraine’s still struggling with the young guard on top of him. Fuck this. I walk up while pulling out my sword and pull the young man’s head back by his hair and then I slit his throat with my sword, his eyes going wide as blood starts to trickle from the thin cut. His body loses strength and I let him go, landing with a thud on the kitchen floor. I grab Wraine by the arm and pull him to his feet, his coughing a reminder of my experience in the tunnel. There’s a quiet anger that wells up in me for not being able to get over what happened in the tunnel and move on with my life. Most of it’s directed at myself but I can only take it out on the corpse by kicking it, the body slightly jostling in the pool of blood that’s forming around its head. Sigh. What am I doing? Looking over at the old man, I can see he’s awake as well, eyes wide with terror. Oh no.

Twisting my head to look at Wraine’s face, his mask is gone. It got ripped off during their struggle and though I’m not sure how much the old man saw, he’s already seen Wraine’s face. Sigh, here we go again. Walking over to where the old man’s still tied up, I look down at him as he looks up at me. He seems to know what I want to do because tears start falling from his eyes and he tries pleading with me even with a gag in his mouth. Nothing he does or says reaches me though because it’s too late. He’s seen Wraine’s face and Wraine will get hunted by these guys if the old man gets out of here alive. That makes this a bit easier then. It’s either Wraine or him and there’s no easier choice in the world. I stab my sword into his heart and the old man shudders violently before breathing his last breath. When I pull my sword out, Wraine grabs me by the shoulder and turns me to face him, he’s furious. “What are you doing!? Why’d you kill him!?”

“Not now, we need to leave immediately. We’ll talk about this later.” I pull my shoulder away from his hand and I wipe the blood from my blade on the old man’s shirt before putting it back in its sheath. I rush back into the living room and grab the leather bag on the floor before leaving through the back door with Wraine. There’s no one here yet but we can hear shouts from far away that are getting closer. Wraine and I dash back the way we came from while sticking to back alleys and soon we’re back in the entertainment district. I take off my mask and put it back in my pack as we’re heading to the meeting spot Bertrand told us about. Wraine’s been silent next to me this whole time but I can tell he has something he wants to say. “Go ahead, say it.”

Wraine looks at me for a moment but doesn’t immediately speak. He’s gathering his thoughts and when they’re formed enough, he says, “I just don’t think we needed to kill him. He was already tied up, he was already defenseless, we could have left without killing him.”

“You know we couldn’t do that. He saw your face and tomorrow morning his whole outfit would have been on the streets looking for you. At that point it became a choice, it was either you or him and you know who I’m going to choose.”

Wraine sighs and puts his hand on his face. “You’re right. You’re right, you’re right, you’re right. Fuck, I really fucked this up, didn’t I? I thought the ropes were tight enough but while I was checking out a cupboard, he jumped on me from behind.”

“Don’t blame yourself on this. Like Bertrand said, shit happens and we just need to deal with it accordingly. I thought both of them should have been knocked out for longer but now we know for next time.”

“You alright though? I saw you come in when the guy strangling me was shouting for help and it looked like you froze there for a few seconds before you slit his throat.”

“I’m alright. Was just a bit surprised and it took me a moment to gather my courage to kill the guy.”

“Okay, just making sure.”

I’m not telling him I think I’m losing my mind. I can’t tell anyone. This is the best spot we’ve been in since getting to this city and I can feel myself improving each day with Bertrand’s training. There’s a real chance for us to make a name for ourselves here. If they start to think I’m not all there in the head, it’ll all come crumbling down and I can’t let that happen. I’ll be fine. This is the first time I went back to the tunnel in weeks and it only happened because I saw Wraine getting strangled. How many more times is that going to happen? Regardless, we arrive at the meeting spot which is basically the backyard of an inn I’m not familiar with but it doesn’t look like Bertrand and Quinn are there yet. Right when we’re about to take a seat on the ground, Angelene steps out of a dark corner across from us. How didn’t I see her?

“So how’d the job go?”

“Didn’t go too well. I didn’t tie up one of the guards well enough and he got loose, nearly strangling me to death. Isaac slit his throat and had to kill the other guard too because he saw my face.”

“That’s not good. Anyone see the two of you leaving the house?”

“No, we got away without being seen.”

Someone with a gruff voice speaks up from behind us, “You sure about that?” Looking back, it’s Bertrand followed by Quinn and Quinn’s dragging someone behind him. When they reach where we’re standing, Quinn tosses the person he’s dragging in front of us and the person lands with a thud. He groans from the impact but doesn’t say anything. Looks like he can’t say anything judging by that bloodied jaw and the rag stuffed in his mouth. “Found him trailing the two of you all the way from the slums. Need to be more careful next time. Judging by how frenzied Midriver’s Finest were acting when we left, I take it things didn’t go well with the two of you?”

“No, I didn’t tie up the guards well and Isaac saved me when one of them jumped me from behind. We had to kill both the guards because my face was seen.”

Bertrand grunts before saying, “Alright, what’s done is done. We just have one last loose end. Which one of you wants to do the honors?”

Judging by Wraine's horrified face, he’s already had enough bloodshed for the night. “I’ll do it.” I unsheathe my sword as I walk towards the man on the ground. There’s a look of fear on his face but it doesn’t stir my heart. When I raise my sword high, ready to swing it down on his neck, Bertrand grabs my wrist and stops me.

Turning back to look at him in confusion, he says with a cold tone, “Wraine’ll do it.” Wraine’s face pales and I can tell he’s not ready for this. Wraine has had a hand in helping me kill the boy in the cave and Alister’s entire crew in the dungeon, but he’s never had to personally get blood on his hands before.

“No it’s alright, I’ll do it. Wraine can get the next one.”

Bertrand smiles at me but I can tell it’s not really a smile and lets go of my hand, “I said. Wraine. Will. Do. It.” I turn to Quinn, looking for help. There’s a frown on his face but he doesn’t say anything to stop it. Wraine pulls out his sword with trembling hands before tenderly stepping towards the man on the ground. He shakily raises his sword over his head and pauses. He’s not ready for this. At least I had Kayman as my first voluntary kill and I didn’t need to have too many moral qualms about killing him but Wraine’s different. Just like the old man before, this man on the ground is defenseless, he’s given up already. But before I can try to argue with Bertrand again, Wraine brings his sword down onto the man’s neck and hacks midway into it. Blood sprays out and Wraine runs a few steps away leaving his sword behind before bending over and vomiting. Once he’s done, he walks back to the corpse and steps on its torso while pulling his sword out. He cleans it on the man’s shirt before putting it back in his sheath. “Well that takes care of that. If you’re the one who makes the mess then you should be the one who cleans it up too. Let’s head back. Hand over whatever you took from their stash house and you’ll get your cut tomorrow. By the way, why the fuck are you here Angelene? Who’s watching over Ilya and the compound?”

“Relax, Ilya was sleeping peacefully when I left and we’re already heading back now.”

“That’s not the fucking point Angelene. Children wake up in the middle of the night all the time and if there’s no one there to calm them down they’ll get scared. You should have never left her alone at night.”

Bertrand, Quinn, and Angelene start heading back to Derriv’s compound with both our leather bags while I check up on Wraine. He’s calmed down for the most part but he’s still pretty shaken up by his first murder. We head back to The Sleeping Hornet in silence and he turns in for the night without eating anything. I turn in as well after I fill my stomach. As I’m stuffing my cloak, leather pack, and sword under my bed, Wraine, who’s apparently still awake, asks me, “Does it get easier over time?”

I turn to look at him and I see his eyes looking at me even in this dark room. I don’t know, does it? I don’t think I’m the right person to ask considering what’s been happening to me and how I keep having vivid nightmares about the people I’ve killed. But he doesn’t have anyone else to ask right now and even then he might give what I say right this moment more importance. I take a moment to think about it and give him an honest answer, “Yeah it does. Remember the boy in the cave? I feel like I was haunted by him for a while after what happened. Now? It doesn’t bother me as much anymore. Same with Kayman. But with Kayman I didn’t feel as much regret or guilt and it was much easier for me because he was trying to kill me first. The others? Felt even easier than Kayman. I think it does get easier over time but you shouldn’t forget what you’re feeling right now. I think a part of me forgot that feeling and that’s why I was ready to kill a man I’ve never met tonight and whose name I didn’t even know for no reason other than someone else told me to. It does get easier to handle it and those feelings that come with it but it’s also easier to lose yourself.”

Wraine doesn’t respond back and turns over to sleep instead. I think he’ll be alright. Tonight was the first time he got blood on his hands but I think his reaction to it was pretty normal. If anything, I’m the one that’s abnormal.