《Mark of the Lash》Regrets
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A horn sounded from the front of the caravan, sending a low rumble over the trees and through Werond’s body. She lay still in the back of the wagon, covered by two layers of silk, and with bated breath, counted slowly in her head. When she hit ten, Werond pushed the silk from herself and stood up.
Minutes ago, she had almost crashed into Cruck’aa’s wagon as the entire caravan grounded to a halt. Serena had jolted awake from her nap in the bench, kicking one of her boots off the wagon, as Werond looked about in confusion. The moment that Serena asked what the hell was going on, a deep horn sounded from the front of the wagon train.
Serena swore and stood up on the bench, tiptoeing in an attempt to see above Cruck’aa’s wagon. Simultaneously, Cruck’aa leapt out the back of his wagon, spread his wings, and soared into the air – into the treetops – angling towards the front of the caravan.
Bo came sprinting from the back, chest heaving, and yelled at Serena in some euphemism that could only mean to get moving. After catching his breath, he dashed off after Cruck’aa, yelling something about his booze.
“Serena, what the hell –”
“Need to defend the front!” Serena had yelled, stuffing her foot into one boot, and hopping down to retrieve the other. “Don’t move until you hear the horn again! Stay in the wagon!”
“But –” Werond began.
“That’s not a request Werond!” Serena yelled, finally getting her other boot on. “Hide in the back and don’t! Move!”
Before Werond could argue, Serena dashed off, teeth gritted, hands aflame.
Werond sat still, watching Serena until she veered out of sight, before climbing into the back of the wagon.
She was the boss, after all.
With tentative hands, Werond pulled the cloth apart, and poked her head out the back of the wagon. Everything seemed quiet around her – the teamster on the wagon behind them, a man whose name she did not know, stepped out from inside his wagon and plopped down onto the bench, a look of boredom across his face. Taking it as a sign, Werond retreated, and stepped out the front, sitting back down on the bench.
Worry lodged in her chest; it was the first time that an attack had occurred to the caravan. While she was safe near the back, many of the wagons in the front would be in danger, and while she knew almost no one up there, Werond still didn’t want to see anyone hurt.
Including Serena.
She let out a nervous sigh and shifted about in the bench. Werond had no idea that Serena was one of the defenders; she knew that, in times of trouble, the caravan guards could call upon a few volunteers to help defend the train, but it never occurred to Werond that Serena might be one of them. It made sense; she would have to imagine that the ability to fling fire from her hands would make Serena valuable to any defensive operation.
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Still, Werond worried. Serena wasn’t weak, she could handle her own, what with all the fire. But accidents could still occur, and if something happened…
Werond grimaced and shook her head. Bad thoughts to have right after a skirmish.
Cruck’aa appeared from the trees, flapping over to his wagon, and landing behind it. His beak was twisted into a tight frown, but Werond breathed a sigh of relief and waved.
“Hey, how was everything?”
Cruck’aa faced away from her, eyes narrowed, climbed into his wagon, and drew the flaps shut.
Werond stared, anxiety gnawing further in her chest.
She stood up in the bench and craned her neck around the tops of the wagons, staining to see anyone walking towards the wagon. Her heart was in her chest.
Hate was a strong word, but Werond knew that Cruck’aa disliked her. For whatever reason, the Aarakocra would go out of his way to avoid talking to her. But after something like this? Perhaps he wasn’t being rude.
Part of her yearned to hop down and stick her head into his wagon, ask Cruck’aa what the hell had happened. But she needed to be on the wagon when Serena came back…even if it was just some feet away.
After what felt like an hour, the top of Serena’s head came into view, further down the road. Werond released a breath she didn’t know she was holding and dropped back onto the bench. As Serena drew closer, coming from the side of Cruck’aa’s wagon, Werond waved.
“Hey boss!” she said, “good to see you’re…” Werond’s voice trailed off as she focused on Serena.
Eyes unfocused, her boss ambled slowly over, dragging one foot in front the other. Her white tunic was pulled from her skirt, streaked with dirt, and her hair was loose from its ponytail. A look of dull shock was frozen across her face, the normally bottomless well of energy gone.
Werond’s heart leapt again as she watched Serena pull herself onto the bench. With a straight back, she dropped her hands into her lap and stared at them, jaw taunt.
Staring, Werond leaned towards her. “Serena? What’s wrong? Did someone get hurt?”
Serena did not move. Werond asked again, louder.
After a moment, Serena blinked, and stared straight ahead, barely moving her hands out her lap.
“Bo didn’t make it.”
It was Werond’s turn to stare.
“You’re…tell me you’re joking.”
“I really wish I was.”
“Ah, fuck.”
Werond leaned back against the bench as a weight settled over her. Glancing over at Serena, she felt her chest grow tighter. She wasn’t close with Bo, more on good speaking terms, and while she hated to see the man go, Werond could imagine what Serena must have felt.
“Can…I ask what happened?”
Serena nodded, and closed her eyes. “The caravan wasn’t attacked. Some else’s wagon was. It was…overturned, jumped by hobgoblins. We rushed in to help, Bo ran up with Pavel, I stayed behind and helped the people in the wagon…but, ah…Bo took a nasty cut and…” Serena’s voice faded away.
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“You don’t have to tell me if its –”
“No, no its –” She sucked in a shaky breath. “he got hit and went down and we didn’t get to him in time. The…the tallest one gutted him on the ground we…” She opened her eyes, now glassy. “didn’t get a chance.”
“Gods…” Werond rubbed her face. “did you at least get the one who did it?”
Serena nodded.
“Good…fuckers deserved it.”
Serena slumped at her words. Werond’s skin pricked as if stuck by hot needles, and as she began to speak, to apologize, Serena raised her hands.
“It’s my fault.” Serena signed flatly. “If I had been there, I could have saved him. I know I could.”
The weight released itself from Werond’s chest as she straightened up.
“No.” Werond said, more forcefully than needed, turning to fully face Serena. “don’t say that. That’s a dangerous way to think.”
“It’s the truth.”
“It’s not, and you know it.” Werond said, her voice firm.
“You weren’t there.”
“I know I wasn’t there Serena, but I know that what happened wasn’t your fault.”
Serena whipped towards her, eyes wide.
“You don’t know that!” Serena’s voice rang out in Werond’s head. “I could have saved him, I could! I didn’t do enough! I –”
Anger flashed through Werond. She reached out, and grasped Serena’s wrists, holding her hands in place. Serena’s eyes widened as Werond spoke.
“If you’re half the person you make yourself out to be, then you did everything within your power to save him. I know that Serena…and so do you.” Werond said.
Serena shook her head; tears began to roll down her cheeks as she tried to look away.
Werond pulled her closer, their legs touching, forcing Serena to look at her.
“You’re always going to think that you could have done something different.” She said. “Maybe yelling for help, maybe acting faster, maybe throwing out more fire – you’ll always have those thoughts. They’ll keep you up at night, eating away at your sanity if you let them. You can’t do that to yourself, you can’t. Don’t fall down that hole, it’s too slippery to crawl back out of, I…” Werond sighed. “I would know…I’ve been around that block more times than you think. And I don’t think Bo would want you to do that either. He’d tell you to stop moping and get on with it!” Werond forced a smile. “He knew what he was doing, and Bo wouldn’t have it any other way. At least, that’s what I think.” Werond released Serena’s wrists. “But what I know, is that he’d be okay with your efforts. There’s nothing ignoble about trying and failing. It’s the only thing you can do sometimes. Raise a glass for him, keep Bo in your thoughts, and never forget that fat man.” Werond smiled again. “I think he’d like that. Right?”
Serena stared at her, small tears rolling down her cheeks.
Werond sighed.
“I know,” she said, “how easy it is for me to say…all of that. You were closer to him. I…can’t feel what you’re feeling, and I doubt you’ll ever be able to express it all to me. I can’t offer you my tears, they won’t do anything for you. So…I won’t sit and cry with you. I can’t. But I promise to move with you, to help you from this. I’ve been in your place before, I have, and the one thing I wanted above all else was someone to hold onto. I’ll be that person for you if you let me. I don’t want to see you go through this. No one should force themselves to go through a death alone.”
Tentatively, Werond reached out and gently held Serena’s hands.
“Rely on me, just as you would anything else. Please.”
Her heart thumped against her chest as she kept her gaze on Serena’s glassy eyes.
Serena, face flushed, hands shaking, squeezed her eyes shut.
And nodded.
Werond breathed a sigh of relief. Instinctively, she pulled Serena in and wrapped her arms about her. As it dawned on her the line that she may have crossed, Serena buried her head against Werond’s chest, just under her chin.
Her heart jumped.
Werond ran a ran through Serena’s hair, resting her chin against the mess of hair.
Maybe she wasn’t as confident as she appeared to be.
Off the side of the road, two sets of hoofbeats sounded by them.
“Look I’ll miss him a lot,” Pavel said, riding past them. “but I’m honestly worried about his wagon.”
“How come?” the guard with him asked.
“Because it’ll be anarchy! Everyone’s going to want some! Nicolas Cage damnit, you’d think he’d drank it all by now, what with his stomach!”
Werond squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself against it, but couldn’t stop the chuckling that came forth. After a moment, Serena jerked, as if holding back a single laugh, turning Werond’s chuckles into laughter. She released Serena, stuffing a fist into her mouth to cut off more of her laughter. Serena leaned backed, barely suppressing a grin, as she covered her face with her hands.
“That’s not funny!” Werond said around her fist. Serena burst into a fit of silent laughter, turning away from Werond, biting a knuckle.
The caravan had begun to move, and as their laughter subsided, Cruck’aa’s wagon began rolling down the road.
Werond sucked in a deep breath and grabbed the reins.
“I think,” she said slowly, fighting back more giggles. “that Bo would have loved that.”
“Yeah.” Serena signed, wiping fresh, joyful tears from her face.
After a moment, she turned back to Werond; her eyes were rubbed raw, but a small smile was painted across her face.
“Thank you Werond. I…really needed that.”
Werond grinned back.
“Of course. I’ll always be here for ya.”
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