I think that the best/worst date ever has now officially ended. Everything just kicked off so quickly the moment Remi held my hand. I will never, ever, ever forget this. I swear Remi I will get you back for this. Heck I didn’t realize that Nazuko was under the table the whole time. She must have been the one causing Remi pain during dinner, except for the whoopee cushion thing, because that was Adam for sure. After the explosion, Remi dragged me around looking for a bar because she needed a drink. If I drank the weird colored stuff our waiter served her maybe I would try alcohol too. I wonder where Nazuko is too, since she ran out of the restaurant with our waiter for some reason. Oh well I’m sure it’s not important, she probably just bribed that cute waiter into pranking Remi with her.

We walk into a bar called “Artry’s Best Drinks” and it kind of reminds me of Dragon’s Descent except for the fact that there aren’t people passed out on the floor and it’s also lacking the smell of blood everywhere. You know now that I think of it, I've gotten a little bit too used to the constant fighting there, whether that’s a good thing or not god only knows. We even see Warren sitting over in the corner looking as if he’s already had a few drinks. We probably shouldn’t bother Warren when he’s getting his drink on, he probably has a lot of issues that he’s dealing with. Remi walks over to the bar, sits down and orders a margarita.

“Will sit down and order a drink. Since the date’s still on we’re paying for the drinks with Nazuko’s money,” Remi tells me.

I walk over to the bar, but I sit about two seats away from Remi so that there’s a seat in between us.

“Hey why are you sitting so far away?” Remi asks, looking bewildered.

“I’m taking precautions.”

“Precautions against what?”

“Against you.”

“Why me?”

“Remi. You. Held. My. Hand. Without. My. Consent.” I say very slowly so she understands.

“What?! That’s what this is about? Come on, don’t be like that, there’s no way that hand holding could be that lewd,” Remi responds.

Ugh, this girl doesn’t know the implications that hand holding presents. She could have gotten me f*cking pregnant or something. I’m gonna need a drink in order to explain this shizz.

“Bartender get me the strongest drink you have,” I request.

“Are you sure sir? What could you possibly need that for?” he asks looking quite curious.

“I just had my hand held without my consent. I think I’m due for that drink,” I say while looking extremely serious.

The man’s gaze meets mine and it seems as if he instantly understood my situation.

“I understand. That is quite the traumatic experience. I’ll get you the drink we usually reserve for our customers in their darkest of times,” the bartender responds with the same tone of seriousness.

“Oh come on!” Remi says as she witnessed this whole exchange.

The bartender comes back with my drink and serves it to me.

“This is the strongest drink we have. I hope you're able to forget your woes, sir,” he wishes.

“Thank you, but this is something I will never forget,” I say as I take the drink and down it instantly.

I think I can already feel the effects of the drink working as my head starts to feel light.

“Remi you clearly do not understand the implications of what you have done. You see hand holding is the final step in one’s relationship with another. You simply cannot, I repeat, CANNOT skip to that step. I would rather have sexual intercourse with you than have you hold my hand without my consent,” I announced in my drunken fervor.

“You can't be serious and w-wait, what was that last part!” Remi stutters.

“YES I AM SERIOUS. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE WAS TO DO THIS TO YOU, HYAH!” I yelled as I held both of her hands without her consent.

“OH MY GOD. DID THAT BOY JUST DO THAT!” some onlooker says as they witness such a gruesome scene.

“YES HE DID! THE GALL OF SUCH PEOPLE!” someone else says.

Everyone in the bar except Warren just looks at me holding both of Remi’s hands

“Umm, I feel nothing,” Remi says nonchalantly.

“WHAT! THERE’S NO WAY. REMI YOU REALLY ARE A HOE!”

I need to seek validation to ensure that Remi really is crazy. I drunkenly stumble up to Warren in order to confirm my suspicions.

“Warreeeeeennn, Wareeen. That girl oveerr there’s a hoe riight you know I waz just abused a half hour ago by her,” I drunkenly manage to get out.

“Yep. For sure.” Warren says almost as if he’s not paying attention, but I’m 1000% sure that he is.

Suddenly Nazuko and Lilith barge into the bar both armed and equipped with their weapons.

“REMI WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID. IT’S TIME TO DIE FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS!” Nazuko screams while waving around her short sword.

“YEAH THAT’S RIGHT! WHAT KIND OF PERSON GOES AROUND HOLDING OTHER PEOPLE’S HAND WITHOUT CONSENT!” Lilith adds quite loudly.

“Ok. Before we do this, just have a drink,” Remi persuades as she hands them the same bottle that my drink came from.

“Fine this will make your beatdown even easier,” Lilith said as she downs a glass and prepares to fight.

“I can beat your butt, even while drunk,” Nazuko claims as she also downs a glass.

No less than thirty seconds pass before suddenly there are fists flying and bottles flying as well. Ugh, my head feels too fuzzy to follow any of what’s going on, but all I know is there’s a lot of yelling about something.

“H-Hey, Mythril, w-ho d-o you think’s gonna win,” I ask.

Unfortunately I am incapable of giving you a correct answer to that question at the moment.

“And why’s that?”

Because I am intoxicated.

“HoW?! I tHouGht spiriTs can’t get druunk.”

You spilled your drink on the ring. That drink must have contained magical elements as it is interfering with my processing abilities.

I guess I have a drunk spirit now too. Speaking of drunk spirits, Remi tries to summon her wolf to fight against Lilith and Nazuko, but somehow it ends up drinking as well, so now her wolf is drunk and refuses to fight.

Nazuko proceeds to drunkenly stumble up to Warren to ask if Remi is a hoe or not. So he just responds with yes. I think things are going splendidly tonight.

The next thing I know there’s a blonde guy that has curly hair who looks a lot like Adam walks into the bar with a frantic look on his face. He rushes over to Warren and starts yelling a lot of incoherent nonsense.

“Warren, Warren please help! Quincy is getting ACK!” Adam yells in pain as a very hard glass bottle ends up hitting Adam in the back of the head, knocking him out.

Warren just stares at Adam for a good second, finishes his drink, and walks right out of the bar.

Incapable of processing anything anymore I just end up passing out due to the alcohol.

The Next Morning

I wake up feeling the effects of a hangover, and I really don’t want to open my eyes. Ugh, my head really hurts. I should have never drank that alcohol last night, but I needed to prove a point to Remi, whatever that was. For some reason I feel really strange, as if I were being hugged by someone. Whatever, it’s probably Nazuko again, I’m used to it at this point if that’s the case. Yet this feels different from when Nazuko cuddles with me. Usually she’s cuddling me around my torso, but I feel enveloped from head to toe. I open my eyes and all I see is Remi’s sleeping face in front of me. I also realize that we have our arms wrapped around each other. Holy Sh*t, what was in that drink last night? I try to move, but Remi still has me wrapped up tight.

“Gah, Mythril what are my chances of successfully teleporting two feet out of this bed and not into a wall?”

Given my analysis of your ability to use portals you should be capable of short range teleportation. I’d give you an 80% success rate, however you have never done that before now have you?

“No, but I really, really need to get out of this situation right now. What’s the other 20%.”

Just do it. I believe the chances of you dying are close to 0. It's just that if you fail I can’t tell where you’ll end up.

“Well that’s not convincing at all, but here goes.”

I hastily go through the mental process to teleport, but it seems I have acted a bit too quickly as now I’m falling from about 50 feet up in the air above where I wanted to go. I fall from the air and crash right through the roof of the knights tower.

OWW, I really need to stop putting off that teleportation training, but at least I’m alive, and no longer in the Remi’s clutches. I really need to ask a sober person what the hell happened last night, but I’ll get to that later.

“Goddammit why do all my abilities start out with me falling out of the sky when I learn them!” I groaned.

I look around for a bit and notice that I’m apparently inside what seems to be the colonel’s quarters as the room looks similar to Hume’s room before we threw him out that window. There’s also a woman sitting at a nearby desk filling out papers and my crash landing seems to have alerted her to my presence. I guess that’s Colonel Bianca.

“You know young man, if you wanted to talk, you could have just knocked. We have enough holes in the tower as is,” the woman says.

“Yeah that wasn’t my intention, sorry about the hole in your roof. I’m assuming you are Colonel Bianca, I just woke up to a terribly confusing situation and I can’t for the life of me, remember how it happened. I think this hangover I’m having isn’t contributing to that,” I say sarcastically as I get up off the ground.

“Oh you poor thing, would you like some milk and cookies that I made recently? I think homemade goods have the ability to heal our spirits,” she offers.

For some reason this woman kind of reminds me of a grandma with the whole milk and cookies thing. It doesn’t matter to me as cookies are cookies, it doesn’t matter who serves them to me, I’ll eat them. Honestly if my enemies actually did try to use cookies to convert me to the dark side I would find it very tempting.

“I’m assuming you are the Will, as you have fallen through my roof. I’ve heard the tales of the first hero’s arrival in Colonus really caused its transportation system to be shaken up. Literally raining dogs and cats, what a show,” the Colonel says as I munch on a cookie.

“Okay now, most of that wasn’t my fault. Well… It kinda is, but I couldn’t control my powers at the time,” I retort.

“Oh no I am not accusing you of causing chaos, I just find it amusing is all,” she remarks.

As we are having this conversation I notice that there’s a rather large pile of pants in the corner of the room.

“Hey if you’re here, then does that mean that Manchester is awake now,” I assess.

“YES I AM!” Manchester yells as he appears from a pile of pants that was present in the room.

“AHH!” I yelped as I fell over into another pile of pants and my cookie almost fell to the floor, but I caught it with a portal.

“God why are you in a pile of pants? Secondly why are there pants everywhere?” I question.

“To answer your question I sleep in piles of pants, they make excellent beds, great for recovery. Isn’t that right Colonel Bianca?” he says expecting her to back him up on that statement.

“You know when you said that sleeping in a pile of pants would allow you to recover faster I didn’t believe it, but seeing is believing I guess,” she sighs.

“What happened to you? How did you get so beat up? Was it the rebels?” I prodded.

“It was a fearsome foe, I will answer all your questions in due time, but first I request that you put on a pair of pants. Do you not feel chilly down there?” Manchester asks me.

I look down and notice that I’m not wearing anything except my underwear. Oh God, did I seriously just sleep with Remi with no pants on!!! I really need to ask someone what the hell happened last night after that bar, I don’t remember anything. Colonel Bianca is looking at me as if she’s trying very hard not to laugh and Manchester just looks really eager to see me put on a pair of his pants. I bet Vienna’s having a f*cking field day right now. I quickly take the pants from his hands and slip them on as fast as I can.

“There we go, that’s better,” I say as I finish adjusting the pants.

I didn’t really notice before, but now I see that I can finally see my abs. It’s probably due to all the hellish training that Armstrong and Lilith have put me through, but I’ve never really noticed it until now.

“They look perfect on you, my friend. I shall let you keep those pants. Consider them a symbol of our friendship,” Manchester says proudly.

“Thanks?”

“No worries, if you like, I would be willing to teach you the way of the pants knight. For it is one of my dreams to one day take on a worthy student to pass on my art. Imagine if the hero defeats the demon king with the power of pants.”

“Manchester I can’t really see that happening,” Colonel Bianca interjects.

“Umm, maybe later I think I’ll stick with my sword for now,” I tell him.

“That is a shame, but know that the offer shall always be extended to you if you so desire,” he claims.

I decide to call the rest of my party so we can listen to Manchester’s report including this fearsome foe that he fought. We all take a seat in a separate pile of pants in the room while Colonel Bianca offers us more cookies. I’m starting to think this woman has an infinite amount of cookies with the rate she’s offering. To put myself in the mood for his report I put a pair of pants on my head in order to mimic his visage. Everyone just looks at me and I tell them it’s a sign of respect for Manchester. Nobody questions this decision so they all decide to put pants on their head.

“Okay Manchester so what about the southern front was so dangerous that you got defeated?” I question.

“It was a group called The Reapers.”