Time passed in a way that seldom made sense when psychoactive substances were involved. A loud clunk interrupted the revelry, and the culprit was an empty wine bottle that collided with the patio; miraculously, it did not shatter. Mitch’s vision cleared enough to see the empty beer cans littered about the edge of the hot tub, and he heard Charlie and Jodie laughing. Next to him was Avi, nodding off and body slumped against his own.

Christ, he wanted a cigarette more than anything.

“Hey man, you alright?” Mitch tapped his arm.

“I am…schwasted,” Avi barely got out.

“Oh. Uh, should you…mmm, hot tubs and drunk aren’t a great combination,” Mitch tried to warn.

“He’s kind of a lightweight,” Charlie spoke up. “Babe, do you wanna get out?”

“Huh?” Avi rubbed his face. “Yeah, I should, huh?”

“Aw shit, now I gotta be an adult,” Charlie whined, throwing her head back with a long winded, “Maaan.”

“I was actually about to get out. I can help him,” Mitch offered.

“Oh my GOD, you’re an angel. Thank you!” shouted Charlie. As she continued to babble her gratitude, Mitch assisted Avi with getting out of the hot tub, ushering him with “c’mon big guy”. His arm went around Avi’s waist, and Avi’s arm slung over his shoulders; after making a pitstop to grab his phone (in case he needed backup), together they hobbled into the house.

“I’m sorry about this,” Avi lamented while they worked in tandem to get up the stairs. “I’m so dumb.”

“It happens, you had fun,” Mitch continued to assure him. “No one got hurt. S’all good.”

It took an unfathomable amount of coordination to maneuver into the bed. Mitch had Avi sit on the mattress while he grabbed towels from the bathroom, assuming that there was no way he’d be able to shower or get changed. He planned on tackling laundry before he and Jodie left, but if dense wet man exposure to the fabric was minimized, that was ideal. Once the towels were arranged on the sheet, he returned to the bathroom and filled a paper cup with water, then brought it over to Avi. The hangover in the morning would probably be a beast.

“You’re so good to me,” Avi moaned, gradually going horizontal. He roughly made it onto the towels, which was good enough. After the contents of the cup were swallowed down, Mitch took it from Avi and put it on the nightstand.

“I’m not gonna not take care of my drunk friend.” Grabbing the comforter’s edge, Mitch loosely tucked Avi in. “But I should probably get a bucket, in case you throw up.”

He turned to get up and seek one out, but was held in place by a hand grabbing his wrist. “No, don’t go yet. I’m alright, not gonna puke,” Avi assured. “But. Hang out for a bit?”

“I was already gonna. Wouldn’t leave you alone like this.” Unable to figure out what else to do, with his free hand he pat the top of Avi’s; the grip loosened, but he wasn’t released. “Do you want more water?”

Avi shook his head and closed his eyes. It was quiet for a few passing minutes, and Mitch wished that he didn’t leave his phone in the bathroom so that he would have something else to focus on other than Avi’s hand. Eventually, Avi punctured the silence and spoke up. “Hey, can I ask an extremely personal question? And you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

Mitch’s eyes went wide and his body tensed, ready to hit the panic switch. He’d been found out. He was dead. “Sure,” he replied, then violently berated himself for letting his guard down.

“Have you ever uh…” Avi’s eyes opened again, but they were trained on the wall next to the bed. “You’re gay, right?”

Mitch cracked up. “Is that your question? I already told you that. Also you met my ex, who is a guy.”

“No, that wasn’t the question,” Avi huffed. “I’m not trying to be a pervert guy that’s looking for details, but have you ever-” he audibly swallowed. “Have you ever bottomed?”

“Oh!” Mitch’s heart leapt out of his throat.

“I’m sorry, you don’t gotta- Fuck!” Slapping himself upside the head, Avi started to roll away.

“No! No, it’s cool!” Mitch yelped. “You’re not the first person to ask that. People get ridiculously intrusive,” he chuckled, then paused due to the sudden case of dry mouth. His shoulders hunched momentarily, then lowered. “The answer is, yeah, I’ve done it a bunch. I top as well. It depends on who I’m with, or the mood I’m in or the other person’s in.”

“Can I ask what it’s like?” Avi faced him at last, eyes pleading. There wasn’t any hint of this being a trap.

“Depends on who you’re with?” Running a hand through his hair, Mitch sighed. “First time is scary. It’s not painful when done right, but there can be discomfort initially, or if there isn’t enough prep. But it can also be incredible once you’re used to it.” It was ridiculous to wax poetic about getting a dick in the ass, but Avi intently listened regardless. “And it takes a little while to not feel like you’re about to take a gnarly shit.”

“That makes sense,” Avi nodded thoughtfully, then laughed at the addendum.

“So, may I ask a question that might be extremely personal?” He kept his voice low and genial to coax an answer that could be in his favor.

“Is it why I wanted to know?”

“It’s why you wanted to know.”

Avi chewed on his bottom lip, appearing as though he’d been split open. Those deep, murky parts of Mitch, the places where he buried his skeletons, reanimated and started to violently claw out. Hopes that he dared not to dwell on in the daylight gained strength when shrouded in the dark. Insidious voices whispered terrible things, such as ‘fuck it if Avi’s girlfriend was just downstairs’.

It wasn’t even as though he would act on anything, he wasn’t total fucking garbage, but if this was some type of hushed confession, he’d take it. He’d take anything, and give everything in exchange to gain confirmation that there was even a possibility. A glimmer. A thread. The room was stifling and there was still a hand on his wrist, now searing his flesh. “Well, I…I’ve had this curiosity. Fantasy? And I kind of want to ask Charlie to. Well…”

“Oh.” That tracked. That made sense.

Of course this wasn’t about him, why would have bothered to get his hopes up? Someone like Avi, a literal Adonis, an absolute sweetheart, a total gentleman, would never in a million years be interested in someone like Mitch. “Sure, alright.” He kept his tone even, mortification settling in nicely over letting himself think for even a second that there could even be a chance.

“You wouldn’t happen to have any advice on how to bring it up, would you? I’m kind of scared to. Really scared to, actually.”

And Mitch wanted to say no, bolt out of the room, steal Jodie’s car, and get as far away as possible. Where? Maybe to Burlington, visit his uncle and aunt, be transparent with them for once about his state of health. Maybe go all the way to Greenwich, and beg Calvin to take him back. Maybe drain his meager savings out entirely and book a flight to Valence, and confront his mother about some things that were a long time coming.

He did none of those things, and instead played the role of relationship counselor -unwise, considering how frequently he screwed up in that sector- and suggested that Avi just communicate with Charlie about his needs. Mouth operating independently of his mind, he also suggested that Avi could try out toys, since there were plenty of options for beginners. “And you know,” his throat turned to sandpaper, which made it difficult for words to dislodge. It was as though all of his senses were trying to protect him, but he just could not stop saying dumb things. “You can always talk to me, if you have questions about it.”

Avi grinned, the lines of his face so aching soft and fond, and exuding relief. Mitch wanted to vomit, and he regretted not looking for that bucket. “Thanks. You’re the best.” The hand was still at his wrist, thumb caressing it, and Mitch gingerly removed it from the loose grasp.

“Do you think you’ll be alright now?” He asked, surprised that he didn’t burst into tears as his bottom lip trembled.

“Yeah, I’m good. Again, thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” He got up and retreated into his room to grab a hoodie and the pack of American Spirits. The first order of business was informing Charlie that Avi was in bed and had some water, and yet again she expressed her gratitude. When Jodie asked if he was coming back in, he declined and wandered towards the front of the house, hands shaking as he tried to light a cigarette. He had no one to blame but himself for this. Letting new people in was almost always an exercise in futility, and besides, there were enough people in his life as it was. This was so stupid, he was probably just lonely and Avi had a great ass so of course he wanted to hit that.

Nevermind that he couldn’t even get it up.

He was so, so pathetic.

Cigarette finally lit, he sucked that bad boy down in record time and absently scrolled through Twitter to distract himself. The only thing that he succeeded in was getting even more wound up over every single negative lukewarm diarrhea take that he was subjecting himself to by strangers on the internet, all angry about who even knew what. He was about to close out of the app, but his thumb hovered over the Messages button.

Mitch had hit a lot of low points throughout his adulthood, that much was for certain. The last few weeks alone barely scratched the surface of the depths that he sunk to in the past.

Yet nothing felt closer to burying himself 6′ underground than pulling up Toby’s ignored message from the night he’d gotten injured, and responding with “hey”.