《Gerald the Dungeon Companion》No thank you
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A humanoid of goliath proportions, who was encased from head to toe in full-plate armor tumbled through a tangle of writhing vines and flailing green foliage. The figure shone in a fierce corona of power from the numerous runic inscriptions etched upon his armor’s surface as he broke free from the wriggling mass.
In the unknown hero’s hand was a fiery brand that cut a swath of destruction through the nightmarish green hell with each mighty swing, that was accompanied by a coarse shout that echoed out from within his frog-shaped helm. But then another multitude of vines shot out from the wriggling mass before it quickly entombed the heroic figure one more.
The struggling continued once again, but this time there were fewer vines.
It then seemed as if the heroic figure was just about to truly fight free from the writhing mass of the monstrous vines. But then just as mysterious figure was about to clear himself of the grasping green limbs, out of nowhere a humungous three-toed claw crashed through the green foliage above and smashed the hero into the jungle floor in a sickening crunch of crumbled armor and squelching flesh-paste.
Where the heroic figure was slain a faint ephemeral wisp in the shape of a tusked, naked and grey giant stood. The figure looked about in confusion with its insubstantial lower half still inside the giant foot before it quickly shot upwards as if the ghostly figure were a fish that was reeled in by some godly angler.
The owner of giant foot quickly struck out with a humongous and obscenely muscular arm towards the fleeing wisp. It caught nothing other than empty air with naught to show, other than a whole swath of unfortunate trees obliterated in the wake of its swipe, the aforementioned trees upper trunk were still held up by their intertwined canopy, as the ghostly figure continued upwards unabated.
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Huffing out in frustration, the gigantic monster then roared angrily before smashing it’s foot a few more times into the grotesque and unrecognizable corpse of the hero.
Once the creature vented out its tantrum, it then retreated back into the deep jungle it had come from.
The quiet jungle that held its breath in the presence of the reigning lord, then slowly came back to life.
First came the calls of nervous birds then slowly they were joined by the sounds of a multitude of insects before the cacophony of the jungle was resumed.
…
The now terrified mass of vines tentatively and slowly slithered out some grasping vines along muddy jungle floor in the wake of the fight, that was normally covered in dead leaves, as it sought to recover some of it’s lost limbs.
A few enterprising vines also strayed outwards and towards the site of the hero’s demise, eager to collect some macabre gains in the gigantic terror’s wake of impromptu and casual destruction.
“Oi none of that shite now! Off with you, you fiddly green fuck!” shouted out a small squeaky and nasally voice as a new intruder came upon the scene.
Flying in from the deep jungle opposite the writhing vines came a diminutive figure that shone with a sparkling green light.
Immediately the vine took action as it’s further-most vines curled into fists before punching out towards the green speck that dodged about in the air above the gory corpse.
“Oi you fuck! You want to do this again? I just -hick!- want tae have a look in the ring!” shouted the figure in protested as it swerve about at inhumanely fast speeds.
One of the vine’s limbs then scored a lucky hit which sent the flittering figure shooting off like a sparkling comet into the trunk of another unfortunate tree.
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Inside the crater was a little, brown and wrinkly fairy who’s pot-belly heaved heavily as blood seeped from the corner of his gruff and unkept beard.
The little fairy’s ruddy face then scrunched up in annoyance as it attempted to unstick it’s naked body from within the trunk.
“You’re always a fucking pain in my *hick!* .. arse!” complained the fairy as he attempted to pull out it’s small bumble-bee like wings from within the bough of the tree over its shoulder.
But before the fairy could free itself fully, a flurry of punches rained down upon its body from a multitude of curled vines.
When the rain of punching vines finally abated, nothing was left but a brutally smashed tree-trunk and small green motes of light floating downwards onto the jungle floor.
….
Hidden in a secret nook, a small bulbous fruit that hung low from a purple bush burst open before emptying its contents on the dirt floor.
It was a grossly green amniotic sack that lay there, unmoving. Then just as violently and unexpectedly, the green sack began to wriggle and bulge before a small and wrinkled arm burst free.
Then the singular flabby and wrinkled arm was quickly followed by another and before long, the small brown naked little fairy was on the floor heaving whilst still covered in glistening mucus.
“You never fail to disgust me with that obscene ability,” spoke a sibilant and deep female voice from seemingly nowhere.
“Holy fucking shite!” screamed the fairy in surprise. He then quickly jumped up and rounded to face the origin of the unknown voice with such speed and agility that was at odds to his elderly appearance.
He found the stranger to his hobo-home to be naught but a small woman in a green dress whom he was very familiar with.
“There’s no need for that kind of language Gerald,” replied the unassuming woman in the dress made of leaves.
“There’s no fucking need for that kind of sneaking about either! Yet you always fucking sneak up on us like that,” complained Gerald as he begun to swipe off the gunk from his naked body.
The woman only smirked in reply as she waited for Gerald to clean himself off.
“So I’m here today to ask you-” she then begun as she deemed him to have finished administering to his mess.
“No thank you!” shouted Gerald, a tiny wrinkled finger pointing accusingly at the woman in the green dress.
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