I didn’t return to the ceremonial room.

I knew if I returned, I’d explode. I’d rip the throat of that whoreson if I wasn’t killed first.

No — even before then — he’d kill me.

My jaw was clenched and my throat was painful.

I walked gait slow, and face contorted in an evil grimace.

‘He’d pay’

‘They’d all pay’

‘I’d make them recognize me’

‘I’d make him regret throwing me away’

Feeling that way, I returned to my new chamber, my every step heavy.

For all intents and purposes, this place was now my home. As much as I hated it, I had nowhere else to go.

When I arrived, I sat on ground and stared at the door. It seemed Gregoire had half expected it, since he had left the door unlocked.

And I was now sitting on the cold hard floor, next to my bed, staring at this cold hard door.

A virulent flame in my eyes.

My only thoughts were about how I’d get back at them... at him.

I had failed at fixing my core. I wasn’t hoping for that anymore.

All my dreams of revenge were but foolishness, before that weakness was stamped out.

After all, this uncontested right to revenge that our family enjoyed was due to its might.

Revenge is a meal reserved for the strong.

And right now, I was just a waste of space.

I’d grow.

[…]

Sitting there, I reflected, trying my best to find an alternative path.

My core couldn’t be fixed, this matter was as definite as the color of my eyes.

But there had to be something that could be done, right?

I thought back about every single thing I had read: sword techniques, breathing techniques, acupuncture techniques, li, martial arts. I thought and thought and thought and thought and thought, and then thought some more.

A pointless exercise.

After all, li, breathing techniques, martial arts: these were all just other names given to what we called mana, mana circulation and mana application.

Key word: mana.

A thing I lacked.

I’d need more knowledge, but the archive wasn’t accessible anymore. And even if it was, I had exhausted everything relevant.

After racking my brain for hours and emerging with the unsatisfying but liberating answer of I don’t know yet, I climbed onto the bed.

I laid there for a while, staring at the ceiling, repeating the curse like a mantra. Making sure I wouldn’t let this feeling fade, that I wouldn’t let this edge dull.

Then, once that was done, I closed my eyes and let my body do the rest.

For better or for worse, I now had all the time in the world.

#

Gregoire arrived that evening in a frenzy, waking me up.

“J-j-Jeremy!”

“Um?” I said, still half asleep. Somewhat annoyed at having woke up at all.

I sat and scanned the room.

‘Ah yes’

“Gregoire,” I said, ignoring his plea.

“Are there libraries accessible to the common folk?”

“But Jeremy! What are you doing here?”

“Are there libraries accessible to the common folk.”

“You’ll put me in a world of trouble,”

“Deal with that yourself,”

We looked at each other, his face at a clear loss, and mine annoyed, which he clearly felt from my voice.

I held no sympathy for him.

He could croak in an alleyway for all I cared. This fool was no different from father... no, even worse.

After a few seconds passed in silence, making this moment somewhat tense, I broke the silence, reiterating my question.

“Now for the last time, are there libraries accessible to the common folk”

He looked at me, his eyes at a loss, before silently agreeing.

“Good, where can I find them.”

“Well to be exact, it’s a- a single one”

“Speak.” I said with the most authority I could muster.

“...” He looked at me in silence before shaking his head.

“No matter how foolhardy, I won’t allow you to go there alone. Plus, there’s the matter of the ceremony.”

His eyes were stern.

As if he had just remembered he was the adult in the place.

Still, I didn’t back down, keeping my head high and staring at him.

Soon he sighed.

“I won’t force you to attend the ceremony… I can’t begin to imagine how it must feel to have the most important,” — he coughed — “… still, for your own safety you can’t just roam around, so I’ll lock the room, please be docile and stay here.”

He said as he gave up convincing me.

‘No way’

[…]

The very next day.

After he had left for a while and it was certain he wouldn’t be coming back to fetch some forgotten item, I pulled the drapes off the two beds and tied them together, making an improvised rope.

Then after that, I tied the rope to the feet of the furthest bed from the window — in such a way that if my weight was somehow enough to move one, the other would block it.

Then... once this was done, I opened the window and jumped down.

It was clear that Gregoire wasn’t expecting me to do anything of the sort, or he wouldn’t have left me here. Still his mistake was profitable to me.

After having touched the ground safely, I ran toward the city.

I had to be back before Gregoire returned, and I had pretty much no idea where this library could be.

Still, I ran, hoping I’d figure something out once there.

Once arrived, I came to realize the city was big — really really big.

‘So this is Hedria.’

I had heard the name often. After all, this place was the capital of the dukedom of the Balmungs. But being a sheltered kid, and probably because of my condition, I had never really left the walls of the mansion.

So it was the first time I saw it. And it left me awestruck.

As I stood there gazing at the world — my jaw dislocating — man and woman of all walks of life walked peacefully on the sidewalks. The roads wide enough for multiple carts to pass through side by side.

Buildings lined neatly, the architecture was for a lack of words simple. Simple in its elegance, it seemed as if the richness from the manor flowed outward and encompassed all the city.

The roads were clean; the buildings were well maintained and its size, its people; everything was overwhelmingly big. The Balmung’s head stature while tall, didn’t seem outrageous anymore.

This was the first time I crossed the boundaries of the manor and left its sphere of influence.

And now that I was here, after having ran away so boldly... I was getting the jitters.

‘Too big.’

‘Too big.’

I took a few steps back and breathed in.

‘Do I really have to do that...’

‘I can just wait for Greg— ‘

‘No!’

I shook my head.

‘I can’t rely on anyone, especially not him’

After taking another deep breath and rousing myself, I stepped forward, my step more resolute than ever.

I had to find that library.