PART THIRTY-FIVE

It's Not What You Know, It's Who You Know

I logged in, and the Swords of the Scales arrived just after me. I should probably stop calling them that, because there was a whole guild of them. Like 20 or so, and I'd never met the other 15. It was like calling John Lennon 'The Beatles'. But you know what I mean. It was the fab four (the abs four?), plus Valentine. They weren't wearing their preposterous, oversized armor. I'd told them they wouldn't fit in 386's cinema room, but that was a lie. I just wanted to see what they'd wear. And that was a lie just now, as well. I only wanted to see what Valentine would wear.

The boys were dressed in renaissance cotton shirts. Very chill, very casual, but they still looked all swarthy and whatnot. You couldn't see their pecs but somehow you could see them, if you know what I mean.

Valentine had gone somewhat in the other direction. On her midriff was a dragon's head, rampant, magically embroidered into some linen (I guess?). The dragon's mane consisted of about 20 'braids', and each braid was a strip of material that formed the rest of the dress, each a different color, each longer than the last, each sweeping and swooping around her body. I wanted to say 'covering her body' but that would be another lie. Large swathes of her body were visible. Especially in the... ah... chest area. Oh, and there was a 20-meter-long train of fabric behind her plus two summoned imps carrying it like pageboys.

"What the fish," I said.

"Hello, Billy," she said. "Long time no see."

Charles stepped forward and pushed my mouth closed. "No time for gawpin', cowboy." He pointed at my crotch. "Show us your gun."

My mouth dropped open again. "My what?"

He flushed a little. "Your firearm. Captain Bullfrog's Pistol."

Oh. That. "Let's get to the dungeon, hey? We've got a lot to get done. Let's get a wiggle on." I tried to rush off but Damocles blocked my way and sort of jostled me until Valentine was by my side. She held her arm out for me to take. I took it.

Not long after, Adam turned round and tapped his wrist. "Hurry up, slowpokes!"

I grinned. Goofy. I didn't want to - it just happened. I held Valentine a little tighter. "There's no rush."

"How have you been, Billy-Bob?"

"Great!" I said. Her eyebrows shot up. "No, really. I started making money from my channel."

Her face lit up. "That's fantastic! Wow. Good for you! You know, those videos are amazing. How are you doing them?"

"That would be telling," I said, and for once I got the tone right.

"How much have you made? Sorry to be crude. I just have no idea what sort of... you know."

"In the last four days I've earned 14 dollars." I laughed. "You're not impressed. But I'm excited."

"I can see that."

"And there's more to come. I feel like I'm on the crest of a wave." I stopped and turned her towards me. "The only cloud on the horizon is that I haven't had time for you."

"Don't worry," she said, pushing a strand of my hair back into place. "You ride that wave. I'll be on the beach waiting." She bowed her head a little and looked at me from the sides of her eyes. "And to be honest, I can't wait to see what's coming next."

Around the World in 800 Seconds

We talked about what this whole movie thing might be about, and as we got more excited we walked faster, until we were only just behind the boys. Soon we were at the entrance. 386 refused entry to the imps, so Valentine unsummoned them and let her dress slide behind her. It was a real trip hazard, but I didn't say that out loud.

Lord Thomas, Polka, Konstantin, and Lennie were waiting just inside. I did some quick introductions - Konstantin was flabbergasted at the quality of beefcake in my social circle, while LT was astonished to meet five people who had recently died - and then I pulled Valentine towards the cinema room. I realised I was holding her actual hand, not just her arm. When and how did that happen?

"Whoa!" said Adam. "What's all this?"

"What?"

"The dungeon. It's completely different. You've changed everything."

"I want a tour," said Ben.

"No way," I said. "We've got to watch this movie. This is the premiere. We're the first non-ThetanSoft employees in the world to see it. Now's not the time for a tour. Seriously."

"Billy-Bob," said Valentine, and her voice had a coquettish quality that I'd never heard before. "Can we please have a quick tour?"

"Yes, absolutely."

I let go of her hand because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to concentrate. I scrunched up my little face trying to remember the last time they'd been here. Was it really the bonfire? While I was trying to think, Charles said, "Show us the gun."

"What gun? Oh. Later. Tomorrow! Argh, if it shuts you up..." I produced a gun, waved it around, then made it vanish again.

"Can I hold it?"

"No." No, because it wasn't real. It was just a projection. I mumbled to 386 that we needed to get a replica gun made, and he agreed it would be worth hiring a blacksmith. It wouldn't fire but I could imagine many scenarios where it'd be handy to have a hunk of useless metal shaped like the gun I was supposed to have. I clapped my hands together. "Right. Obvious changes. Friendly, well-lit white walls. Considerably higher, as you can see. Better lighting. Ceilings show the weather outside, but we can make it sunny all the time if we want. Like a Vegas casino. What's the best version? More data needed." I started walking and they all fell into step behind me. Lord Thomas had been apprehensive but quickly realized there was nothing to worry about. Lennie tried to keep Charles between him and Polka. The latter had killed him once before. "I followed the IKEA model, Charles, so now it's all one-way. You get drawn through and around. I'm hoping most players won't ever make it to the end, they'll be so distracted by all the stuff. On the left here we've got some games, on the right there's a coin pusher. The games are dotted around the path, but there are still some rooms off to the sides like in the old layout. Things like Spider Slam are too noisy to have on the main thoroughfare. Things like The Centrifuge are best if you just hear the screams - of pleasure, Lord Thomas - and just see a glimpse of the ride."

"What's this?" said an incredulous Damocles.

"Duh. That's a fish tank. Don't tell me you've never heard of one? You've probably got one the size of a Sherman tank. The other day I woke up and said one word: Aquariums. Then I fell back asleep and dreamt I was a padlock. We're going to have aquariums everywhere. The NPCs have never seen one."

Damocles tapped the glass. "But they're all dead! It's full of dead fish."

"Don't be so negative," I said. "You can still see them. It's better than no fish, isn't it? Look, I sent Konstantin out to get some fish and he brought some fish. Dead fish." My park manager looked a little embarrassed. "No, K-Man, no shade, it's my fault. We need to bring live animals here, and kill them in the dungeon. Oh." I held my hands up. "Just one, Lord Thomas. One of each species we want to display. And then it will live forever with all its needs met. We're basically conservationists."

"Murderous conservationists!" The man's moustache was vibrating, but he got a grip. He went over to the aquarium. Polka stayed near him, causing Lennie to dart away. "Still... I suppose I have some stuffed animals. Some pressed butterflies. Hmm. The fish will swim around in here, will they? I think I understand. But why do you need to kill them?"

I wondered if it was wise to tell this guy how dungeons worked. "I'll try to think of a good way to explain that," I said. That was a lie - I expected the topic would never arise again. Damocles was opening his mouth to explain it, but Valentine treated him to a sharp elbow in the ribs. What a gal! "Moving on," I said, trying to get the train steaming again.

There was a gasp from Lord Thomas and a slight but distinct metallic noise. I turned and saw Polka in full rogue ninja pose. "Do you mind?" I said. The Swords, casual though they were, flexed themselves in his general direction. He slid his daggers back into their sheaths. I shook my head at him. "What's your malfunction?"

"It's a tentacle!"

I walked towards the tentacle. It was behind thick glass along with a tree. The tentacle was munching on the tree's leaves. Don't ask me how 386 knew the pattern for a tree. Don't ask me why tentacles ate leaves. And don't ask me how a tentacle can munch.

I banged on the glass. The tentacle slammed itself onto the spot where my hand was, its suction cup leaving a little frothy slime circle behind. On the other side of the glass. "It's perfectly safe," I said. "Kids love it."

Valentine pointed to a box in front of the glass. There was a sign above it, which she read aloud. "Tony the Tentacle. Food welcome. Care to illuminate us, Billy-Bob?"

"You put something in the box. 386 teleports it into the enclosure. Tentacle eats it, or doesn't. The gag is: it eats everything. Like I said, kids love it."

"What's behind that door?"

Adam was pointing at a huge, massive, enormous round metal door. If you've ever seen the vault doors from Fallout, it was that kind of thing. That kind of scale, too. I made a big show of looking at Konstantin, then saying, "Nothing." I moved on, walking pretty fast now. We had to watch the movie in two goes and 386 had sort of given the impression that if we missed the last five-ten minutes, that would be that. No second chances. But around every corner there were more and more questions!

Ben: "This sign here. Knights of the Helm. What's in that room?"

"Bumper cars. Also known as dodgems."

"Whoa! I want to get on that right now."

"386, please deactivate the bumper cars. Deactivate all the rides."

"Not cool," complained Ben.

Charles: "What in the fish is this?"

I sighed. "It's a little art gallery. You sit and admire the art. So far it's all a bit basic. We need to get some real pieces in."

"Basic? Isn't that the Mona Lisa?"

"Yes, but the NPCs don't respond to it. We need diegetic art."

"Diegetic is only for music," said Damocles.

"Told you," mumbled 386, but no-one heard because I'd forbidden tablets in the presence of Lord Thomas.

"Indigenous," I said. "Locally sourced. Onshored. Choose whatever word you want. Cheeses priced." I took some breaths. "Anyway, there's going to be lots of this. Aquariums and art and animals and monsters. It's cheap and interesting for the locals. They don't have access to much art. It's all hoarded by rich drumrolls. No offence," I said to Lord Thomas. Which was a bit of a lie because I did intend him a little bit of offence. Hashtag eat the rich. Am I right? "And most will never see a dungeon monster or a badger or a... a vole. What is a vole? Anyone know?"

Valentine: "Are those stairs?"

"Yes. They go down to the second floor. But because 386 is British, it's called the first floor. This one is the ground floor. I told him he was in America and he had to follow our rules and I would just tell everyone to call it the second floor but he plastered the words 'first floor' everywhere. Welcome to the first floor! We hope you're enjoying the first floor! He's not even supposed to be able to put signs up but for some reason that kind of passive aggression is allowed. Anyway."

"British?" said Polka, looking up, accessing his codex.

I realised I'd put my foot in it. "Um..." I said.

Valentine, not for the first time, helped me out. "It means eccentric."

Polka narrowed his eyes. He didn't believe her, but like all NPCs he had a sort of instinct for which topics he wasn't supposed to learn about.

"What's down there?" asked Adam.

"The casino," I said. "And the vault," I added. Which was another lie. As if I'd put a vault somewhere anyone could find it.

Nerves of Steel

After twenty minutes of me herding cats, we were all sat in the cinema room. The NPCs were tucking into trays of chicken burgers. In a real cinema, the smell would have annoyed me, but there were no smells in the BetterVerse.

The room darkened - cue mild panic from Lord Thomas and palpable excitement from the humans. The human humans, I mean. Valentine squeezed my hand - we were sat next to each other. We exchanged cute little smiles. Then she leaned over and whispered, "Did you just stare at my chest?"

"No," I lied.

"You're allowed," she said, looking back at the screen.

I considered the possibility that this was a trap... but decided it was worth the risk. I treated myself to an eyeful of cleavage, then settled back into my seat, happy as a clam.

Jingoistic music played.

A large, waving flag (a ruby on a checkerboard background) filled the screen.

The music swelled and held on a single note. A note of triumph. Of hope. I didn't know why at first, but it all seemed very Canadian.

Voices sang. The first syllable sounded like 'Oh,' but subtitles appeared at the bottom, along with a bouncing ball so that everyone could join in. Nobody did. Lennie, by the way, stood and saluted.

Au... steralia,

A place where frowns are banned!

Austeralia: your under wonderland.

Welcome human guests and NPCs

Who all come peacefully!

From far and wide,

Austeralia, we go inside for free.

As the last line repeated, I slumped forwards, head in hands. Valentine leaned towards me and told me not to sulk because the movie was starting. But it was just an advert. Another of 386's deranged brainwaves.

Just the thought of trying to describe it makes me nauseous, so I'll give you the general overview. It was a sad bunny talking to a happy bunny, and the happy bunny explaining that when you're feeling down you should head to Austeralia because that's got fun (cut to: off-horizontal images of Cannonball, Spider Smash), excitement (cut to: the new pirate ship ride), and delicious food (cut to: close ups of chicken burgers and Lennie pushing a chicken burger through his jaw and giving it the thumbs up).

What that description doesn't convey is the manic, fast-cutting FRENETICISM of the commercial. The way everything was off-kilter. The way it was edited to say Sp-sp-sp-SPIDER Smash! Just thinking about it makes me feel dizzy.

Thank fork the screen went dark grey and started to expand, showing that the real movie was about to play.

"Don't advertise the park when we're in the park!" I yelled at the ceiling.

"Was that a pirate ship?" said Charles. "I asked to be INFORMED when there were cool new innovations!"

"No talking during the movie," I said.

A green background. White text:

THE FOLLOWING MOVIE HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR APPROPRIATE AUDIENCES BY THE MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF - someone had crossed out 'America' and hand-written the word GARGANTUA.

Then we were into the movie. The cold open. Konstantin gasped. His friend Ted was on the screen. Some mad old witch with Dracula hair was talking to him. She called him Ted Steel. Ted Steel instantly got himself killed by the witch's sexy minions. Konstantin leapt from his seat. "That's not how it happened!" he yelled.

"Sit down," said Valentine, whose view he was blocking. She yelled at people in cinemas. That was hot.

On screen, as Ted Steel's blood poured from his body, the camera tracked a trickle of the red stuff, resolving into a title sequence animation featuring gold coins, purple orbs, and magnifying glasses. HUGE music started playing. The title: NERVES OF STEEL. A voice containing the power of ten jet engines started belting out a tune. Adele. Who else? And I realised that this was going to be a James Bond type flick. Except the James Bond guy was already out of the picture (lol). Wasn't he?

Lord Thomas leaned over to Polka. I'm sure this was their first ever movie but they'd gotten over the shock of seeing the moving images pretty darn quick. "If the hero is dead, why would we want to watch the rest?"

"Agreed," said Polka. "Whoever wrote this is a rank amateur."

I couldn't really argue with them. Regardless, the movie restarted and we joined a younger, fatter Ted Steel as he started an innocent quest that would lead him to disaster. The story was fine - everyone else was highly engaged - but my mind started to wander. It seemed to me that this whole movie was, in fact, actual footage from the game. Just NPCs going about their business. Presumably some human writers or editors had chosen which bits to show and from which angles. But all the raw footage was there in 'the quantum'. It must have been! Every moment from the game, ever. Someone from ThetanSoft could go back a few months and whip up a video about me and my journey. Or Valentine's. Or even Lennie's.

There was a dramatic moment and Valentine grabbed my arm and held me tight. I gave her an absent-minded pat on the head, which briefly put paid to her immersion. But the beefcakes were just as invested. They were watching this movie like it was a James Bond or a Jason Bourne. Laughing as Ted Steel told dry little jokes. Wincing as he lost more than half his hit points in five seconds. And then I knew, deep down in my bones, that this was going to be MASSIVE.

And just think of the economics! Think of the work a movie producer had to do to create a big summer blockbuster. It took at least a year, top to bottom. Hundreds of millions of dollars. And then think that ThetanSoft could splice together and edit an entire movie in a matter of WEEKS from footage they had JUST LYING AROUND. They simply had to find a compelling character with a good storyline. There must have been thousands of questlines that fit the bill! None as dramatic as this particular one, perhaps, but maybe that was for the better. Marvel's problem was that they kept telling huge stories. It gets exhausting. ThetanSoft could pick a small character with a small dilemma. An unlucky fisherman's struggle with a solitary shark. A gay man looking for acceptance in an intolerant land. Maybe even a loser who gets kicked out of his team and befriends a dungeon. I felt my neck was about to go into spasm from how tense and hunched up I was.

"386, stop the movie!"

It paused just as [no spoilers here] was about to [no spoilers here either], and Valentine was NOT happy about it. "Dude!" she yelled.

I realised I was standing up and pulling at my hair. "You guys," I said to the Swords. "You're all rich, aren't you? In real life."

Adam coughed. "Well, ah... you know, comfortable, maybe."

"Yeah yeah yeah." I was suddenly a little bit angry at them. "Log off. Grab all your money. All of it. Buy ThetanSoft shares."

Silence.

"Can we watch the rest of the movie, please?" said Valentine.

"What are you thinking?" said Ben.

I sort of staggered over to the screen and touched it. "This is going to be bigger than Marvel, Disney, and Netflix. Combined. This Ted Steel thing is an actual quest that happened in the game. No-one wrote this. Some intern just collected the tapes and gave them to some Film Studies major. There must be hundreds of great movies that have already happened. Someone just needs to splice them together, get Billie Eilish to do a theme song. Have you ever seen Mr. Bean? He's world famous and there are only about ten short episodes. I can just picture it. The Adventures of Lennie the Degenerate Gambler. That's a hit show right there. That'd land big in China. And you've seen what I've done with my little gun story. Imagine if Steven Spielberg got his hands on this. Or Jordan Peele. You don't need cameras and actors any more. You just need imagination. This is the future. ThetanSoft are going to corner the market. They're going to corner every market! Buy buy buy!"

Charles was nodding.

The others weren't there yet. "What about you?" said Damocles.

"Me? I'm poor. Like, poor poor. I don't have spare cash. Too much avocado on toast. Don't worry about me. Go on. Make money make money. This is me kicking you out. Let's meet same time tomorrow and finish this film. We'll just about have time to get to the end as long as there aren't any unexpected ANTHEMS or COMMERCIALS."

"And if you don't keep pausing it," said Valentine.

Charles got up and as soon as he was out of the room I saw the blue glow of his portal. The others followed, including a bewildered Lord Thomas and Polka. LT mumbled that they would be bringing the printing press tomorrow, but I didn't really remember hearing that until much later. Konstantin picked Lennie up - he'd fallen asleep across three chairs, sucking his thumb. I stared at the still-paused screen, my mind swimming. Struggling. Drowning.

"Billy," said Valentine. I somehow brought myself back into my body. She had a playful little smirk on the corners of her lips. "Are you kicking me out, too?"

"Yes," I said. "You have to go now. Definitely. Oh, wait. Your dress has come loose a little bit. Let me try to fix it for you like a real gentleman."

And if you believe that's what I really said, dear reader, then you are a prize idiot and you should run for congress.

And ThetanSoft, if you are reading this, I do NOT give consent for this story to be made into a movie. Not this next three minutes, anyway.

Coming next: The second half of the movie, and finally, the ACTUAL VILLAIN of the story arrives. And this time I PROMISE there will be no rug pull. This is the actual villain. Not someone who turns into an ally like Lord Thomas. Pinky swear. This guy is mean. You'll hate him. But not as much as Valentine hated him. I thought I saw her passionate in those three minutes, but man - I hadn't seen anything yet.