I climbed up onto the dais and brought the music to a halt. We called our little musical group the Hobbled Band because we hobbled together anyone who could play anything or sing all the words to a fun song and called them a band.

I dismissed the band from the stage for the moment; they needed a break anyway. We were halfway through our victory celebration and it was time to hand out medals to those individuals who deserved to be remembered in ignominy. Yep, nobody actually got hurt on our side during the fighting but several had taken minor injuries before and after the actual action.

I called them up one by and had them line up behind me on the dais. They were half drunk like most of the rest of the village and had no idea what was about to happen. In my Marine Corps days we had a tradition of awarding homemade medals for injuries or wounds suffered not from warfare but from doing something dumb or just being an overall klutz. I decided to bring that tradition here.

“The men you see here before you were injured, wounded or maybe even just rudely insulted while performing their duties to defend our town today! We take this moment to recognize the suffering they endured to protect our homes and our happiness. I took the liberty today of having medals created to recognize their sacrifice and we shall award those now.”

In reality I had just gone down to the metal works where we formed and poured iron into a quick mold, we didn’t bother polishing them or even cleaning up the edges. Our smith had been laughing too hard at the time. We hung those with white bandage cloth and called it a joke. The medal itself simply had a pair of crossed crutches on the face of it. Not fancy, just fun. I looked at the list of names and made a quick decision.

“OK folks, I’m going to be calling these men up one by one and tell you how they earned this honor, please hold your applause til the end and we’ll celebrate them all at once!”

I looked at the list in my hand and rolled with it.

“First of all we have Peter, Peter please step forward carefully, very carefully”, I was talking quite loudly and projecting my voice over the crowd.

“Folks I want to assure you of one thing, all five of these men fought with bravery and honor during the battle this morning, they all did what was asked of them or even more. We are recognizing them for what they did before or after the battle. So remember that as I read these awards off.

“Peter has been awarded the Iron Crutch award. After the battle was over and clean-up finished, Peter managed to trip on a root and badly sprain his ankle. Fifty other warriors had managed to avoid this trap as had Peter himself just a few hours earlier. Peter, for unnecessary klutziness after the battle we award you the Iron Crutches." I hung the medal around his neck. "Please carefully go back and wait while I call the others, Peter.”

There were a few chuckles and guffaws from the crowd but they still didn’t quite get it.

“Andrew, please come up.” The man named Andrew walked forward with a slightly confused look on his face. “In the hours preceding the battle Andrew was severely bitten on . . . the buttocks?” Andrew was turning bright red, “Is this true Andrew? Is this why I saw you standing while you ate earlier?” Poor Andrew merely nodded and I heard several giggles out in the crowd.

“Andrew – do you happen to know the name of the mule that bit you?” Several men in the crowd looked like they were going burst trying to restrain their laughter.

“Bitey,” Andrew quietly replied.

Now it was time to get the laughter rolling.

“Folks I am proud to award Andrew the Crossed Crutches award for injuries sustained by being bitten on the buttocks by a mule named ‘Bitey’!” The crowd was beside themselves and several of the guys were rolling around on the ground.

I hung the medal around Andrew’s neck and sent him back to the line.

“Calm down folks, we have three more to go. Stefan, please come forward.” Stefan was shaking his head No and trying to back off the stage but Peter and Andrew shoved him forward.

“Folks, Stefan here slipped and seriously injured his wrist while waiting in ranks for the battle to begin. It seems that Stefan felt the urgent call of nature and whilst trying balance himself in the dark happened to slip and injure his wrist. Doc Browne responded to the emergency with the appropriate first aid and cleaning supplies! Thanks Doc!”

The crowd was still laughing, obviously this wasn’t as funny as Bitey.

I hung the medal around Stefan’s neck and sent him back into line.

“Dennis, Please step forward!” Dennis limped up to revel in his shame, he knew what to expect now and apparently planned to ham it up.

“Dennis injured his knee during the clean-up phase, that was rather unpleasant business and we thank you for bravely do that. Many a lesser man would have lost their breakfast doing that job.”

Dennis hammed it up, “Yeah, I lost my breakfast also but that was before…”

“Dennis, it says that you stepped on a dismembered body part causing you to slip and fall. Wait it says you stepped on WHAT!?!?! I can’t say that here Dennis, there are children and ladies present. Next time please be more careful and gentlemen you might want to be careful when Dennis is walking around you and the family jewels.”

I hung the medal around his neck and he proudly held it up for everyone to see, most of the guys didn’t see though – they were too busy laughing.

“Finally we get to Troy, Troy please come up here and show the people your hand.”

Troy’s left hand was wrapped up in bandages, it actually looked pretty bad.

“Troy was injured after the battle and the clean-up while waiting to march back home. Troy was cleaning and sharpening his knife like any good warrior should when he was told the story about his friend Andrew being bitten by a mule named ‘Bitey’! I seems he lost a little control trying to sharpen and roll around laughing”

The crowd was rolling once again and Troy walked back to the line with the medal around his neck.

I called the entire line forward.

“Fellow citizens of Rulo I present to you the winners of our Ignominious Medal. With this Award they each get a pint of my good bourbon and free beer for the rest of the evening. Thank you gentlemen and enjoy your just rewards!”

I walked off the stage to have a conversation with Michelle about a mule named Bitey.