Ah, the first day of Christmas Break. We really don’t have any plans, so I’m gonna take these two weeks to do things that make me happy and not have to worry about school. I’m trying to motivate myself to draw something, but at the moment I’m feeling discouraged. I feel like most of my drawings could be a lot better, and so trying to make the next one my best yet is a really daunting prospect. So I end up just curling up in my bean bag listening to music and spacing out.

I’m listening to an album called “Tubular Bells” by Mike Oldfield. It’s not exactly a normal album: it’s more like a carefully produced work of modern classical music. It’s forty five minutes of nearly uninterrupted sound; no track divisions, it just seamlessly transitions from one musical landscape to the next. There are (almost) no vocals, and it uses all sorts of weird musical instruments you don’t hear in most music. I like to listen to this album when I have a slow day, because if you just put it on, and close your eyes and sit somewhere, it lets my soul leave my body and fly away. I see fantastical worlds of strange and eerie colors. With music like this, who even needs drugs?

And I never would have even learned this album exists, had it not been for a girl I met at school once. She was a red-head who was really intense and stiff… what was her name again? It started with an A. I think it was Abby? That sounds about right. Man, she has good taste in music.

Around the time as the music takes its one and only pause (the silence in between part 1 and part 2), there’s a sharp knocking on the door. I pause the music on my phone; I want to be able to enjoy the second part properly without people talking in the background, so I’m going to wait to start it until they go away.

The door opens, and my mom greets the visitor with, “Oh, hello.”

“Well hiiii!” responds a female voice, who I recognize as being our landlady, Ms. Patel. “How are y'all?”

Mom sighs. “Not the best, I'm afraid. I was fired from my job, and…”

“Oh, don't worry. I know all about that already.”

“Y-you do?”

“Yes, and I was hoping to speak with you about that. Husband at work?”

“Yes, he is.”

“I figured. May I step inside?”

“Okay.”

I hear the door closing. I’m getting a somewhat ominous vibe from this, so I scooch a little closer to the door and listen in.

There’s a tense pause. Then, Ms. Patel says, “I suppose you will have trouble making rent with you out of a job, won’t you?”

“I’m looking for another job,” Mom responds pleadingly. “All we need is a little time.”

“The thing is, Faye... between you and me, it may be in your best interests to get you and your, um, daughter out of town.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well... you see, your actions have upset some people. Some people we’d call… unscrupulous. Given your… unique talents, shall we say, I have a nasty feeling they will want some debts repaid.”

“No,” Mom says firmly. “I’m not working with them anymore. We’re done.”

“Well, my worry is… that they won’t give you a chance. And I’m also worried for your daughter. These people have no standards, and they may revel in the opportunity to fill a niche interest in their clientele.”

“Then you need to protect us!” Mom pleads. “We tried to report what they’re doing to the police, but we got blown off. You need to help us!”

“Honey, what am I supposed to do to help? I have no horse in this race.”

“Hire security! Connect us to a lawyer! Back up our story! I’m sure they’ll listen to someone with more status than us.”

Ms. Patel laughs coldly. “I have no responsibility here. It is yours to keep yourself and your family safe. Which is why I came to warn you. Move away from the Austin metro area, somewhere where they won’t track you. You’ll have no issue finding work in your field. This could be a new beginning for you! I’d consider trying the internet, it’s all the rage these days.”

“I don’t want your advice,” Mom says harshly. “If you’re not going to help, get the fuck out of my house.”

“It's NOT your house, Faye. It's mine. And I'm only warning you. Don't shoot the messenger.” Ms. Patel sighs heavily. “Well, that’s what I get for trying to help someone. Goodbye, Faye.”

The door opens, and is slammed shut. The apartment is silent after that, other than the sound of my mom softly sobbing.

Now that we’re done with school, I plan to visit Jason’s a lot more, starting today. I have Kat come with me again so that it doesn’t look suspicious. It’s just so much easier to say I’m hanging out with “a few friends.” And, I know that Jason doesn’t want to run into the hick guys again, but I get kinda bored of just lounging around the apartment all day. Jason decides to go take us to meet his best friend. Well, we kinda already met her last time when she saved us from the bullies. But like, formally this time.

It’s a pretty short walk to get there; she only lives on the other side of the row that he’s in. Jason knocks on the door. It takes a while, but eventually she answers the door. Charlotte is wearing a pink sweater that wraps around her shoulders and a bright red skirt, which is oddly dressed up for someone who was just laying around the house doing nothing.

“Oh, hello there Jason!” she greets happily. “And hello, you two strangers!”

“Hi, Charlotte,” Jason says. “Is it okay if we visit? We were bored.”

“No problem! I sure wasn’t doing anything.” Jason and Charlotte share a hug, and then the three of us step into the apartment.

The apartment seems to be kept fairly clean. I don’t see any parents or siblings around, but there is a take out bag from McDonalds sitting on the counter. Charlotte takes us to a sitting area just to the right of the door.

“So, how’s it going Jason?” she asks.

“I'm fine, I guess,” Jason replies broodily.

She doesn’t respond to this. In fact, she’s doing something odd; she’s staring at me.

“Uh, hi?” I ask.

“I like your hair,” she says.

“Thanks,” I say uncertainly.

“May I?”

“Sure?”

She puts her hands on my head and starts messing with my hair. It would be weird, but you’d be surprised how many random people at school want to touch my hair, so I’m kinda used to it by now.

“It’s so curly,” she comments. “Do you have any siblings?”

“Yeah,” I say. “An older sister and two older brothers.”

She takes her hands off my head and stares into space. “Hmm… Hrmm…”

Her eyes turn to Kat. “You look familiar too.”

“We just saw each other a few days ago," Kat retorts.

"No, not from then. You remind me of someone."

"Do you know my brother, Nova?"

Charlotte's eyes light up. "Yeah, that boy! From my speech class! Yeah, we did a project together one day."

"Oh, so maybe you know my sister, Zoe!" I say.

"Hmm... nope. I don't know any Zoes."

"Huh? Then why'd you ask if I had any siblings?"

She tilts her head the other way. "There's a girl who walks past the art room every day with hair just like yours..."

"Yeah! That's Zoe, dumbass!"

"Collin!" Jason scolds. "Be nice to her!"

"I think that's like asking the sun not to shine," Kat comments snidely.

Charlotte, far from being offended, starts laughing at our argument.

“So wait, you don’t know anyone else in that friend group, then?” I ask her.

“Nope,” Charlotte says.

“It’s just that, I only know her-” I point my thumb at Kat- “because our siblings are friends. This bitch came up to me and was like, ‘your sister and my brother are friends. I guess that means we should be friends too.’ Pretty shitty logic if I’m being honest.”

“Well fuck you,” Kat hits back. “You just looked so lonely, I felt bad for you.

“I got lots of friends!”

“You got lots of people who laugh at your stupid ass jokes. But can you truly call them friends?”

“God damn, asking the hard hitting questions today.”

Charlotte laughs even harder. Next to me, Jason sighs, but I can’t tell if it’s from relief or exacerbation.

“Wow, you too are so funny!” Charlotte finally says. “Who are they, Jason?”

“Um, yes,” Jason says. “Charlotte... this is Collin, my new boyfriend.”

“Oooh! Stand next to each other!” Charlotte requests eagerly.

“Uh, okay,” I say.

Jason and I stand right alongside each other. Charlotte smiles warmly at us, and tilts her head a few times, as if trying to see us from multiple angles. “So cute!” she says.

“And, uh, that’s Kat,” Jason finishes. “She’s a mutual friend of ours.”

“I’m their beard,” Kat explains.

"Hey, you guys want some french fries?" Charlotte offers out of the blue. "I don't think Mom ate hers."

"I want french fries!" I say quickly.

She grabs a bag of fries from the bag on the counter and hands it to me. I waste no time in shoving them in my mouth. I love the french fries from McDonald's. They're so salty!

"Did your mom not feel like making lunch today?" Jason asks.

"No, she's been really down recently," Charlotte explains. "Ever since she got fired..."

"What! No way!" Jason exclaims. "Why would she get fired?"

"I don't know," Charlotte says. "But... I'm worried we may have to move soon."

"NO!" Jason shouts. In an instant, his composure has entirely changed, his face scrunching up with sadness. "Charlotte… why?" He buries his face in his hands and starts crying.

"You mean because you can't pay rent?" Kat inquires. "Or are you being ‘disappeared’ by that Patel lady?"

"Well, about that," Charlotte says, staring off into space again. "She came by this morning and talked to my mom. I didn't really understand a lot of what they were saying, but she somehow knows that my mom was fired, and says that she needs to get out of town."

“What?” I say, swallowing the last french fry so fast that I almost gag on it. “Bleauhcch! Uh, sorry. Why do you have to leave town, did she do something illegal?”

“I have no clue,” Charlotte says. “All I could make out is that someone is mad at her, and they might somehow seek revenge.”

“Damn, I had no idea your life was a gangster movie,” Kat says, sounding clearly skeptical.

Jason reaches out and buries himself into Charlotte, crying uncontrollably. “You can’t leave!” he sobs.

“I’m sorry, buddy,” Charlotte says soothingly, patting him on the back. “Hey, if I have to leave, we’ll keep in touch on Skype, okay? I promise.”

Jason is utterly distraught by this. I feel bad for him, but I also really don’t know what to do about it. After a while of trying to console him, we decide to go for a walk and let him try to talk his feelings through with us.

“Charlotte is my only friend in this complex," Jason says after we’ve been walking for a while. “We're the only queer kids, so we had to stick together to survive. It's gonna be so much worse around here without her…”

“We'll try and come visit a lot,” Kat promises. “We’re still here for you, Jason.”

“God, this reminds me of when Zoe had to move out,” I say. “Things have been pretty shit at my house since then…”

Kat sighs wistfully. “Sometimes, people have to move. Nova and I had to mostly start over when we came here. I was NOT looking forward to going back to mom, though. Thank god that fell through at the last minute.”

“Ah, your parents are split?” Jason asks, wiping a tear from his eye.

“Yep,” Kat confirms.

Jason smiles weakly, finally seeming to calm down a little bit. “I'm glad I still have you guys, at least.” He hugs both of us at once, wrapping one arm around each of our waists.

We’re on the opposite side of the complex now, away from where Jason and Charlotte’s apartments are. We mostly have privacy, but I notice someone nearby: a girl who looks to be somewhat younger than us. She’s a white girl with her brown hair tied into two buns in the back of her head parallel to two hair loopies in the front.

“Oh, hey Bella,” Jason says when he sees her. I assume this must be another one of his child friends.

“Hi Jason,” she greets.

“Who's this bitch?” I ask.

“Charlie's older sister,” Jason explains.

“Oh yeah, that cowardly little shit from last time,” I say, remembering.

“What are you doing out here, Bella?” Jason asks.

“Mommy and Daddy are mad again,” she says. “Charlie's been bad.”

Now that she says this, I can clearly hear raised voices coming from the apartment next to us.

“God, I hate it when parents get like that,” I say. “Like jeez, just chill the fuck out.”

“You say a lot of bad words,” Bella comments innocently.

“Yeah, and?” I say.

There’s an awkward pause. I turn to Jason and Kat, to see both of them spacing out with pained, distant looks on their faces.

“Uh, you two good?” I ask. I grab Jason’s hand.

“Huh? Oh yeah. Sorry,” Jason says, jolting back to awareness.

“Well, they seem almost as nice as my mother,” Kat comments.

“They don't like Charlie. They want to give him away,” Bella comments.

I frown at this. “What? Give him away? That’s crazy.”

“He was going to be taken to live with a lady in town,” Bella explains. “But they had to leave him when she died.”

“Poor kid,” Jason croons, tears starting to roll down his face again. “Not wanted by his own family!”

“Ah, damn it! This was supposed to be helping him feel better!” I say in exasperation. “Let's just go back to the apartment.”

“I'm sorry I'm… sniff… so emotional,” Jason says in between sobs. “My parents are split, just like Kat's. And it happened because… because… my dad was hitting my mom and cheating on her.”

“Sounds like a real scumbug,” I say.

“My dad was always ashamed of me,” Jason continues, his voice rising higher and higher into a whine. “I wasn’t the son he wanted. And he always told me that. He would hit me, and call me bad words. He likes my step siblings much more…”

“It sounds like you’re better off without him, then,” Kat says. “Some people don’t deserve to have opinions, Jason. Forget about your dad.”

This doesn’t really make him feel better, though. Jason collapses back into tears, and is pretty much unintelligible while we walk him back to his apartment. I honestly feel really bad for him. The more we walk, the more I get angry at his dad, and at the stupid landlady, and at the hick bullies, and at the parents of that Charlie kid, and at… my parents! It builds up inside of me until I burst when we’re almost back, and I start ranting.

“Nothing you can ever do is good enough for him, huh?” I begin. “Yeah, I think I know how that is. My parents, I feel like they’re always just waiting for me to slip up. I never told them about you, Jason, or being gay, but I think they already know on some level that something’s ‘wrong’ with me. That I’m not a ‘real man’ in their eyes.” I scoff.

“That’s what he’d always tell me too,” Jason says, slumping along and looking sadly at the ground. “That I’m not man enough… because I don’t like sports, I’m not tall enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m sensitive and cry a lot…” He puts his head in his hands. “What if I don’t want to be a man? I just feel this repulsion to it now. I wish a lot that I wasn’t one!”

“Well, uh, for me, it’s not that I don’t like being a guy,” I explain. “You can be a guy and be gay, and not be interested in that stuff. It’s just this shitty complex that older people have. Everyone in society has to be one personality type. It’s stupid.”

“Well, if the only male figure in your life is that,” Kat observes, “I guess that kinda explains why you grow your hair all long and dress like a girl.”

“He doesn’t dress like a girl,” I argue. “He’s just stylish.”

“Collin, how many guys do you know who wear cardigans?”

“Who cares?” I say defiantly. “Women get to hog all the good shit. Guys just get to wear the same suit over and over again. It’s not fair.”

“Collin, are you saying that you want to dress like a girl too?” Kat asks teasingly.

“I’m saying that I want the option to. If I feel like it,” I say. “We’re in America, the land of the free, Kat! We should all wear whatever the fuck we want!”

“Well, you got a point there,” Kat concurs, grinning.

“You know… I didn’t tell you this about her before,” Jason explains, “but Charlotte? The one you met today? She was born as a guy. She only looks like a girl now because she took a bunch of hormones and stuff from the doctor.”

“Oh, I was wondering how she was so tall!” Kat says. “I was like, damn girl! Do you have giant blood or something?”

“Yeah, it doesn’t change your bones much, unfortunately,” Jason says. “We’ve talked a lot about that transitioning process, and… it’s not like I think I’m a girl, like she is. I’m still like, guy-adjacent, if that makes any sense. I just… really, really hate having all of that pushed onto me. I’m so sick of it. I just want to be myself.”

“Well you do that, Jason!” I say defiantly. “Fuck all them haters!”

“Thanks, Collin,” he says, finally smiling a little again. “Man… this Christmas break has sucked so far. But… thanks for being here for me, guys. It means a lot.”

We go back inside, and the rest of the day goes about the same as last time; dumb YouTube videos. Man, poor Jason though. And something’s not right about that other family living here. Still, I don’t really worry about it. I just hope Zoe’s having a better break than me.