Surprise, bitch. It’s me. You were probably wondering what I’ve been doing all this time. Or maybe you weren’t. Did you forget about me? Well I’ll make sure you won’t forget me again.

Anyway. If you haven’t figured out the subtle hints dropped up to now yet, I’m gay. Yeah, I know. It’s the saddest shit you’ve ever heard, the influential family in the conservative town has two gay kids. That’s like getting a carton of eggs from the store and having six of them be rotten. Dick Cheney wasn’t so unlucky. And let me just say, I am not as naive as Zoe, so I know better than to let my folks get so much of a whiff of what’s going on.

Still though. Boys are cute, and I wanted one. I at least need something to keep my mind from crushing on handsome straight boys who would probably beat me up if I tried to ask them out. Statistically my best chances of finding another guy dude at the school were to start with the theater program, because everyone in theater is gay for some reason. It’s funny, they have these little nicknames for different activities. Band people are “band geeks,” orchestra peeps are “orch dorks” for the rhyme, choir kids are “choir queers,” and art students are… “art farts.” But if anything, we should be saying the theater kids are “theet queers” or something, because I’ve never met a choir kid who’s gay or trans or anything else under the long-ass acronym.

What the fuck was I talking about? I don’t remember. Let’s just start the chapter. So basically, Zoe is fifteen now, which means she’s starting the driver’s ed program. So she got to drive me to my “friend’s” apartment after getting home from region band tryouts. (Apparently she got into “district,” which means she’s a runner up for playing in the band, which is pretty good for a freshman.) Well, not just her. You need to be supervised by an adult, so Ashley’s dad is with her. Uh, he’s nice and all, but I feel a little too weird on the drive up to talk about anything too personal.

Oh yeah, I forgot, we’re getting Kat first, she doesn’t have a ride. We swing by her apartment, and at my text she comes out and climbs into the car. For some reason, she’s wearing a tee shirt with the coca cola logo on it that looks so faded it looks like she’s had it for ten years. She’s also wearing jeans with (possibly intentional) holes in them and her hair is in a long braid behind her.

Kat and Jason both live in apartments, but when we arrive at the latter’s place it’s clear that there’s a difference between the two. Kat’s apartment was really- not to be rude- dirty and shit. The pavement in several places of the parking lot was crumbling away, to the point where Zoe was scared going through it of hitting a pothole. Jason’s is totally different. It’s clean, everything looks fairly recently painted and maintained, it’s on a lake, there’s even a playground for children. It’s still an apartment, but it’s clearly a bit upper-scale than Kat’s.

After parking, Zoe spaces out for a moment. “Hmm, Lake View. Isn’t this the apartment that…” her eyes widen, as if having a horrifying realization about something.

“The apartment that what?” I ask.

“Huh? Oh, nothing. I was thinking out loud.”

“What’s wrong with this apartment? Did someone die here or something?”

“Oh no, nothing!” Zoe forces a smile. “I was just thinking about something else. Have a good time with your boyfriend, Collin!”

“Hey! You weren’t supposed to…” I glance at Ashley’s dad.

“No worries. I did not hear a single word of what you were talking about,” he says plainly. “I had just been doing a harmonic function analysis of Movement VI of the Igor Stravinsky’s The Firebird Suite. Did you know that famous jazz saxophone player Charlie Parker carried around the score of that piece with him wherever he went?”

“Charlie Parker? Was he related to you guys?” Kat asks Zoe and I.

“I doubt it,” said Zoe thoughtfully. “He was black, for one, and he also died tragically young of heroin, so I don’t think he had any children?”

“It’s a very common name,” Ashley’s dad responds. “Anyways, you kids go have fun. We will finish our drive time.”

“Okay, bye,” I say, jumping out of the car before anything else awkward can happen.

“Damn, nice place he’s got here,” Kat said, looking around. We were dropped off at a gap in between two buildings, which has a walkway leading to a pier that overlooks the lake.

“Huh, so there’s the titular Lake View ,” I comment. “I wonder if we’re allowed to swim in it?”

“What number was his apartment again?” Kat wonders, as we walk in the direction of the lake.

“Oh, apartment 69.”

“Haha, very funny. But you can’t fool me; I remember that it was apartment 420.”

Thankfully, we didn’t need to remember the number anyway. As we get to the pier, I see him sitting on a wooden bench. He hasn’t noticed us yet; he’s doing something on his phone. He’s a medium height, skinny boy with light-brown skin and long, jet black hair that goes down to his shoulders. Even though it’s not that cool out, he’s dressed in a black cardigan, with a pair of jean shorts over a pair of leggings. Must just be for style. Man, he is so cute. I always imagined my future husband being more muscular, but you know what? Skinny boys are cute too. I just like boys, in general.

He sees us. He smiles, and immediately stands up and half-runs off the pier. Without saying anything, he hugs me. We’re close to the same height, so our heads rest on each other’s shoulders.

Uh. Okay, this is nice, but it’s kinda awkward how we’re not saying anything. Time to make a joke.

“You enjoying the show over there?” I ask Kat.

We break apart and turn to Kat, who has a shifty grin on her face. “Hey, I get it. I know that you guys only invited me here to be your beard. If you wanna just go by yourselves and eat whipped cream off of each other’s bodies or whatever boys do when they’re bored, go ahead. I can find a way to entertain myself.”

“Nah, his folks are probably home right now,” I say.

Jason’s eyes light up suddenly. “Oh! Idea! I want to introduce you to my mom!”

“I’d be honored,” I say. “Lead the way.”

He takes me by the hand and leads me to his apartment. To prevent another awkward silence, I ask, “Okay, just to like, get this out of the way. Are you ‘out’ to your mom?”

“Uh, I kinda uh, left it ambiguous,” he says.

“Okay, no problem. Ambiguously gay it is,” I agree.

However, when we’re next to his apartment, Jason comes to halt and stares at a fixed point, suddenly stiff. “Uh… um…”

“What?” Kat asks irritatedly.

“I don’t want one getting into the house,” he answers cryptically.

I look closer, and then I see it. There’s a wasp hovering around the top of the doorframe.

“Oh, the wasp? Let’s just kill it and go in,” Kat says, leaning down as if preparing to take off her shoe.

“Nah, don’t risk it,” I tell her. “It’s one of those red bastards. You don’t wanna fuck with them.”

“But… what do we do then?” Jason wonders aloud, putting one hand on his face.

“Don’t you wanna introduce your new boyfriend to everyone in town?” I ask.

“Wearing a salmon suit!” Kat finishes, not missing a beat.

“Uh… honestly I kinda hope we don’t run into anyone…”

“Why? Am I embarrassing?”

“N-no! It’s just… well, don’t worry about it. Let’s go this way!” Without elaborating, he grabs my hand and starts walking me the other direction.

He walks us to the playground that I saw coming in. There aren’t many kids hanging out there at the moment. Just a single little boy with sandy hair, who looks strangely dirty, as if he’s been playing outside the whole day. He’s sitting in one of the swings, listlessly gazing off into the distance. That’s unnatural behavior for a child!

“Hey look, it's my little buddy!” Jason says, smiling as he sees the boy.

“What? You’re friends with that fucking five year old?” I tease.

“Actually, he's eight,” Jason responds.

“Like that makes it less embarrassing! Haha!” Kat says, poking him in the back.

Jason shakes his head at us. “I’ll have you both know that I'm good with children. And me and this little guy have a lot in common!”

He walks onto the playground and sits in the swing next to the boy. “Hey buddy! Something wrong?” he asks gently.

The boy just stares into space for a while longer. Then, he looks at Jason and says, “I think that lady’s office is haunted.”

Jason laughs jovially. “Oh Charlie, you got such a big imagination. There’s no such thing as ghosts or spirits. Nothing is ‘haunted.’ So don’t worry about it!”

“Charlie” doesn’t seem convinced. He shifts uncomfortably in the swing and says, “I saw a scary bird.”

“What kinda bird was it?” Kat asks. “One of those goose motherfu- er, one of those geese?”

“It was a big, black bird,” Charlie says. “And it talked to me.”

“What’d it say?” I ask, curious.

“Guys, don’t entertain this,” Jason says. “He’s just telling us tall tales… you know how kids are.”

The little boy looks to his side, at some point past the three of us. “Ne-ber-mur.”

“That’s a made-up word,” Kat says derisively. “Also, what are you looking at?”

Right on cue to answer her question, a loud voice cries from behind me, “Uh-oh, Jason's playing with little boys again!”

Jason’s head snaps towards the voice and his face immediately starts turning red. I think I now appreciate why he did not want to run into anyone.

I turn around to see two annoying-looking boys. Just picture in your head what someone annoying looks like, and you’ve got it. They’re either the same age as us or slightly younger, but don’t think that’ll stop me from beating them up if needed.

“Who exactly are these dickwads?” I ask nobody in particular.

“Awh, are you one of Jason's faggot friends?” says one of the boys, speaking in a distinct southern accent.

“Damn right I am,” I say. “You got a problem with that?”

“Don't you ever say that word!” Jason cries. He jumps off the swing and to his feet, pointing at the boys aggressively. Something about them has made him get madder than I’ve ever seen him before.

“It's not a swear word. I'm just saying what you are, why are you being a snowflake about it?” the boy defends himself, in his grating redneck voice.

“It is a swear word, it's one of the worst things you can say!” Jason says.

“Psst… hey buddy,” Kat says in a low voice. “I think they're just trying to wind you up.”

“Nobody asked you, n****r girl,” the other boy says, the first boy guffawing at this hilarious “joke.”

Jason is close to spitting mad now. “How dare you! Take it back, now!” he shrieks at them.

“What's the problem? People say that all the time,” is the boy’s weak-ass defense.

“You can't say it, EVER!” Jason scolds.

I’ve had enough of this shit, so I say, “Jason, come on. Talking to dumb hicks like these guys is a waste of time. Let's just not bother.”

I’m pleased to see the boys’ demeanor changes immediately; they suddenly get all angry and mean looking. “What you call us, boy?”

Gleefully, I say, in an intentionally bad southern accent, “ Well gosh o’ golly darny dee, all I done just sayin’ is what y’all are, why y’all bein’ such snowflakes ‘bout, whas goin’ on wid that? Yuk yuk! ”

“You’re a dead fag!” one of them says, both of their faces turning red. I enjoy my triumph for a few seconds before they’re on us. One went after Jason, who isn’t trying to fight back and instead just curled into a ball to try and shield as many hits as possible. The boy named “Charlie” flees the scene. Thanks kid, you’re a lot of help. Kat unexpectedly leaps onto the boy who was attacking Jason, hissing like a feral cat and scratching every inch of him she can reach.

“What in the god damn!” the boy cries. “I ain’t fighting no girl!”

Meanwhile, after a confused series of punching and shoving, the other boy gets me on the ground, and starts kicking me repeatedly in the stomach. It hurts, a lot. I try to grab his foot to trip him, but it doesn’t really work because I’m not that strong. After a while, I just take after Jason and cover my face with my arms to protect it. I do not need a broken nose from this bitch too.

But then, I hear the boy who was on me scream suddenly, and then a thud. I uncover my face and look forward to see a flash of dark skin standing over him as he scrambles away. At first I thought it was Kat, but the girl who grabbed him is way taller.

“Ah! It touched me!” the boy says, getting to his feet. “Let’s get out of here, I gotta go take a shower now!”

“Get off of me, freak girl!” the other boy says, retreating from Kat with clearly visible red marks on his arms.

“Yeah, that’s right, you better run!” I taunt, as they both scamper away. “What a couple of losers. White trash, that’s what we call idiots like that. Ha!”

“Hey Collin,” Kat says softly from behind me. “You might wanna go help your boyfriend or something…”

Uh oh. I sit up and turn to Jason, who I just now noticed is still curled up on the ground, crying. He doesn’t look all that hurt, though. Man, I wish Zoe were here. She’d know what to do.

“Go give him a hug,” the taller girl whispers to me in an alto-range voice. “He’s very affectionate, it’ll help.”

“Uh, thank you,” I say awkwardly. I crawl over to Jason, trying not to put much pressure on my now aching stomach. I pat his arm at first, before he clings around my lower torso with his arms to finish crying there. I guess that’s fine.

“You know Jason already?” Kat asks the girl.

I turn again to get a proper look at her. My rescuer is quite tall, like I said, and wearing a frilly yellow shirt with a skirt. Now that I look at them side-by-side, her skin is a bit lighter in tone than Kat’s, although it’s still definitively brown, and she has bright green eyes. She has her hair tied up in a ponytail, and a pink bow skillfully placed in her hair. Despite just breaking up a fight, she looks very serene; as if she just so happened to wander over here by coincidence, and this was all part of her pleasant stroll.

“Yeah, we go way back,” she answers, smiling dreamily. “We’re good friends…” And then, like a cloud in the wind, she just wanders away without elaborating. What the fuck, was that girl even real? I feel like I’m on another plane of existence right now.

After we recover from the battle, we mutually decide that we’d rather deal with a wasp than with those asswipes, so we limp back to Jason’s apartment. Thankfully, the wasp is gone anyway. However, as we approach his apartment, something even worse appears: a landlord!

The door opens in front of us, and out comes a middle-aged looking woman who also has brown skin. If Jason hadn’t mentioned it immediately after, I never would’ve suspected she’s a landlord; she’s dressed very casually, wearing one of those weird Hawaiian t-shirts, like she’s a chill dad that likes to barbecue or some shit.

“Oh, hello Jason!” she says cheerily. “Oh, are these friends of yours?”

“I didn’t know your mom was Indian!” I tell Jason.

“Haha! Oh no, I’m not his mom!” she says, amused. “Also, I’m Pakistani! Big mistake!”

“Nice going, dingus,” Kat mutters. I retaliate by kicking her shin.

“This is our landlady, Mrs. Patel,” Jason explains, smiling. “Mrs. Patel, these are my friends, Collin and Kat!”

“Charmed to meet you,” she says. “I was just talking to your mom, Jason. Don’t worry! She’s not in trouble, haha.” She then looks at me and frowns. “Why is your friend holding his stomach? Is he sick?”

“Nah, some dickwads tried to beat us,” I explain.

Jason turns to me and shakes his head. I guess I wasn’t supposed to say that, but I guess the damage is done already.

“Oh dear! You kids aren’t getting into fights, are you?” Mrs. Patel says, putting her hands on her hips.

“Hell no!” Kat says defensively. “They started it! Those guys were just dumb brutes trying to start shit.”

“Well, perhaps you should play inside, then,” she says.

“I know… I’m sorry,” Jason says, putting his head down. This pathetic groveling seems completely unwarranted to me, but he clearly knows something we don’t, so I don’t say anything else. “It’s just… I didn’t want them to get bored! There’s nothing to do in our apartment.”

“I understand, Jason. I’m not mad at you. Just do better next time, okay?”

He nods. “Yes ma’am, I will.”

“Alright, then. You kids stay safe.” she briskly walks off.

“What the fuck,” I say once she’s out of earshot. “That wasn’t our fault. You shouldn’t have to apologize.”

“I mean, to be fair, you did kinda get them mad,” Kat points out.

“But we didn’t start it! They were calling us fags and shit. Fuck those guys!”

Jason winces, as if someone had tried to slap him and pulled back at the last second. “Look… first of all please don’t say that word. It really bothers me.”

“Which one? Fag, shit, or fuck?”

“The first one!” he cries out. “Look, we don’t need to get into it right now. I just… don’t like it, okay?”

“Hey, I get it. I get called that a lot too,” I tell him. “I just try and laugh it off. But uh, sure, I won’t say it around you.”

“Thank you. Second of all… let’s just try and stay out of shit,” Jason continues. “She can make people disappear if they cause too much trouble.”

“What the fuck, she kills them???” Kat asks incredulously.

“No, but she makes them move out. I don’t know exactly how, but I don’t really wanna find out. And if the kids here aren’t getting into fights with each other, but they are getting into fights with me, it looks bad.”

“What a load of bullshit,” I say. “Well, I would invite you over to my place next time, but that would be even worse. My parents would probably get Derrick to spy on us, they’re paranoid as hell.”

“That’s okay. Let’s just head inside.” And so we do.

Jason’s mom, as it turns out, is a very nice Chinese lady who works as a nurse. His dad isn’t anywhere to be seen, but I don’t ask any questions about that. We enjoy the rest of our time hanging out, mostly just watching stupid YouTube videos. The end.