《Tutu (an apocalyptic story)》Chapter 06: A deal (4)

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Danny felt utterly lost in his own misgivings. No matter how cool-headed he normally was, Danny was still young, he was only in his early twenties and could not avoid feeling apprehension, hatred, and unwillingness towards the situation.

The monster was the main cause of his misfortune. He struggled for so long to escape his grasp and now he wanted to sit down a play nice, as if nothing had happened? Danny was Unwilling! He was loath to lower his head and hear what it had to say, no matter how much he felt he should in his gut. This was the first real opportunity in his life to change his fate, to shake off the usual cursed routine of being hounded and strive for something different, yet Danny felt reluctant to take the chance he looked for so long.

It was the first day in years that Danny left his agenda aside in his house. He hadn’t really realized it was missing until noon came. He felt it made no difference anyway. What was the point? He was out of his depth, he felt he had no control over this situation and trying to maintain his organized schedule was meaningless. He had limited time to make his mind about this supposed deal, and a lot of things to consider. Everything else felt secondary.

“Hey there!” Danny was in the cafeteria munching something he grabbed as he passed by, without really paying any attention to anything other than his musings, when he was startled awake by the voice of Janice and the sound of a plastic platter colliding with the metal table he was sitting at.

“What got you so distracted today, Danny? Mind if I join you?” Janice asked while grinning as if pleased to have startled him.

Danny only took one second to recompose himself and realize what she was talking about before nodding his head. Janice took no time and sat down with a plop, and started chowing down her sandwich.

“No Jane today?” Danny asked when he realized the other half of Janice was missing, it was rare to see them apart from each other. There were only the two of them in the table.

“Nope. She has her own thing to do during the lunch break. We are not glued together you know?” Janice said in a sarcastic tone, as if knowing what he had been thinking.

“Are you sure about that?”. Danny asked, jokingly checking her sides for signs of glue.

“Screw you!”. Janice laughed back with a mouth full of bread.

“I’ve been thinking for so long about my problems without reaching any kind of conclusion. Spending some time without thinking about it might be a good idea too. Just to clear my mind.” Danny thought, glad about Janice’s interruption.

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They sat there together for a few minutes talking about random stuff until both of them finished their respective meals.

“So… what’s on your mind? You have been zoning out the whole day. Talking about it with someone might help you know?” Janice asked before Danny could find a chance to excuse himself.

He was about to deflect the question as he usually did when asked about any personal matters of relevance when he stopped himself. “Is it such a bad idea if I ask for her input? I have spent the whole night and morning thinking about it without making any real progress. Maybe an outsider opinion might actually be a good idea?” Danny looked up and sighed, before making his mind about telling Janice.

“I… have indeed been troubled by something. It just so happens that I have a decision to make, and I am struggling about what I should do.” When Danny lowered his gaze again, he found a stupefied-looking Janice staring at him, as if he had grown two heads.

“What?” Danny asked, not knowing what to make of the situation.

“No-nothing, it’s just… I asked not really expecting an honest response. You are always so evasive about your own things, I just kinda thought you were going to the same as ever.”

“Well, if you don’t feel like talking about it, just forget-"

“NO! I am actually really glad to help, no need to run away little Dan. Come on, lay out your heart on this Mama Janice!” Before Danny could change his mind, Janice interrupted him and thumped her chest in a confident manner.

“You might not know, but I am really good at giving advice, so come, come, spill out everything, tell me what ails you!” Janice said without missing a bit, with curiosity shinning in her eyes while sagely gesturing with her hands.

“Okay…” Danny raised his eyebrow, not really sure he made the right choice, but he felt he might as well not look a gift horse in the mouth.

“So… I had this problem for a long time now. For as long as I can remember, I have searched high and low for a solution. I felt it was an unsurmountable task at times and there was no choice but to give up, but I never really did. It just so happens that yesterday a possible solution presented itself. It was kind of anticlimactic really, it came without any effort on my part…”

“Well, that’s great, isn’t it?”

“Problem is: it came from a source I am really unwilling to accept. The… ‘person’ that suggested the solution is one I really hate, and I feel like accepting it would be a betrayal of all that I have done, as if I agreed with everything that person did in the past… you know?”

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“Hmm…”. Janice crossed her arms and closed her eyes concentrating in the matter. Gone was her playful demeanor, taking the matter seriously. “I do have an opinion about it, but you might not like to hear it.” Janice opened her eyes and stared at Danny.

“Please tell me. I promise not to hold against you no matter what you say”. Danny assured her, and was inwardly grateful for her serious treatment of the matter.

“I feel like you are being too prideful.”

“Prideful?” Danny widened his eyes not expecting this response.

“Yes. You said it so yourself, you have been searching for a solution to your problem for a very long time, right?”

“That’s right.”

“So, shouldn’t you be celebrating right now? Does it really matter where it came from? If that’s really important to you, you should grasp at the chance with all your might.” Janice said while grasping the air with fervor, to illustrate her own opinion.

“I know it is hard to put our own pride down sometimes, we feel reluctant in the face of what we feel it’s an injustice after all. However, while people should live with pride in their own way and in their own choices, we should also know when to lower our head and give in to achieve our goals. If we let our own pride get in the way of achieving our objectives, in the way of our own improvement, that’s not having pride in yourself, that’s being petty.” Janice shook her head while smiling sadly, as if to indicate she faced this problem herself, and knew all too well the difficulty of doing so.

When he heard Janice, it was as if a thunder went out in his mind, and the clouds that obscured his thoughts parted and showed the clear skies that always were there, just temporarily hidden.

“Besides…” Janice continued speaking, seeing Danny did not refute her. “Someone once told me that the only power people have over you is the power you give them. The issue shouldn’t be about this person after all, it should be about your problem. You should ask yourself: what do you really want? To deny this person? Or to find a solution? Then you should have your answer.” Janice nodded after finishing her piece, and looked at Danny while waiting for him to digest what she just said.

“That’s right! That's absolutely right! Does it matter if the monster is the reason for my suffering? Does it matter if what he said is true? Of course not! The only thing that matters is if I am willing to take the chance to change my fate, to hold onto this opportunity.”

Danny looked down to his own hands and then to his backpack where he kept his mother’s memento and remembered the promise he once made her.

“Promise you will never give up. No matter what, I will always be with you my dear son”. His mother had spoken with difficulty, with tears in her eyes and an oxygen mask in her face.

“Mom, I don’t want to leave you. I-I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go…”. A snot and tear dripping young Danny held his mother’s hands, afraid of the future.

“Son…”. His mother was struggling to speak. The cancer had left her so feeble that every breath was a struggle. “I won’t lie. It’s is going to be harder for you from now on. I can’t go on anymore, but I will always, always be watching over you.” She paused to gather more strength to speak, her breathing erratic and fast-paced.

“But no matter what, you must keep going, never give up. Always remember this, even if you don’t understand it right now. Someday you will find something for yourself, and then, all this pain will be worth it. Mommy is sure of it. So, promise me to keep on trying”.

Danny remembered her red-eyed stare. He knew every word that came was a torment to her, but that gaze was resolute and immovable. It contained all the conviction and love of a mother toward her son, a faith so big it could move mountains. Facing such tremendous belief, he did the only thing he could.

“I promise”.

That day he lost his only family in the world. He did not know if his father was out there still, but it didn’t matter. Danny had no ill feelings towards his father, but he also held no affection either. The day his father walked away was the day he lost the right to be part of Danny’s family.

“Thank you, Janice. You truly helped me”. He thanked her with a smile before excusing himself. She just smiled and waved him away as if it was nothing to be thankful about.

Danny got up and turned away from the table, in his face a resolute expression. He might have left out the ominous words the monster spoke about the future, but what Janice said gave him the courage to face the odds no matter what. All for a chance at a new life. Danny had made his mind.

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