《The Bartender at the End of the Universe》Ch 39: There's Always a Con

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Ted was tracing his finger aimlessly along a counter in the kitchen. His head was lying on the counter as he stared at his finger swirling around.

"Is something the matter, Ted?"

Sid had walked in and stepped up towards Ted as he asked a question.

Ted sighed as he closed his eyes. His finger collapsed down onto the counter with the rest of his hand. "I guess I'm still kind of upset about the whole wheat beer."

"Really? I thought the general consensus was that it was good." Sid queried.

"No. It was that it was mediocre, but then the thing with the mead?" Ted closed his eyes. "That was rough."

"I must say I did not expect the strange creature to make such a mess."

"No one even got to try it."

"Yes. I can see how that would be upsetting. All of your work ruined in mere moments." agreed Sid.

Ted turned so his face was facing down onto the counter. "hmmt whms hhh hhhrrrdd oooo."

Sid nodded. "You spent almost a full day just making trips with Lulu."

Ted flung his head back and groaned. "And it's so sticky. All the floor, the table, everything."

"Ah, I see what this is really about." Sid declared.

Ted moaned as he let his face fall onto the counter again.

"You're upset because it's your turn to clean the main room today."

Ted rolled his head around to look over at Sid. "No, the other stuff is more upsetting, that's just salt in the wound." He turned his head away and grumbled, "It was supposed to be an easy chore too. Everything was basically clean, and it just needed some touching up."

"I would help you," Sid said as he walked further into the kitchen, "except Narissa still needs to do my chores for me since she was conveniently absent the first day." Sid grabbed a mop and bucket and set them down on the counter next to Ted. "I am sure that these will come in handy."

As Sid walked out of the kitchen, Ted managed to force himself up. He knocked the bucket over into the sink and started to fill it with hot water. He slipped and landed on the ground beside the sink. He let out a wince, as he banged his elbow. "Ahh, dang that hurt." As he started to get up, he stopped. He saw a small brass knob on the counter under the sink. He had sworn that he had never seen this here before, and curiosity filled him. So, he grabbed ahold of it and pulled.

To his surprise, the wall under the sink opened to reveal, not only the underside of the sink, but a myriad of cleaning supplies. He reached in and grabbed a small bottle of liquid dish soap. He slowly stood up while holding it in his hands, but the green liquid had no information on it. Just a plain cover with the words, Dish Soap on it. He looked back down at the cupboard door as it started to swing shut on its own.

"Well, there's worse surprises to find in a kitchen." he shrugged before opening the top and squirting a good half of it into the bucket.

The water in the bucket immediately foamed up and threatened to overflow, so Ted turned off the water. He grabbed the bucket, and with a grunt from the extra weight the water gave it, he was able to lift it out of the sink. He grabbed the mop in his other hand and turned his body back and forth as he slowly made his way out of the kitchen.

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Ted let out a sigh as he stared at the mess in front of him. The strange, long lizard was currently on its back, draped over the table with its head lying on the ground. Its eyes were vacant as its many legs tried, in vain, to walk through the air. All over the table, and around it was a sticky mess of brown and yellow liquid swirled together with chunks of broken barrel sticking up from the liquid adhesive. Mugs were turned over onto their sides all around the table. It was a huge mess, and no one else was around.

Ted sighed as he set the bucket down near the large spill and dunked his mop into the soapy water. He did not have much experience with this kind of cleaning. Not on this level. In fact, he had never even mopped before. This lack of experience may have been why he thought that'd be the best solution for such a thick and sticky mess.

Wow, I'd hate to be the one who'd have to clean all this up.

Ted jumped slightly. "Death? How did you do that?"

Death looked down at himself as he was now standing behind Ted. He was still wearing his shorts tied around his spine, but seemed to have found some replacement clothes, with unbelievably skinny, rectangular sunglasses and a black shirt with three wolves howling at the moon on it.

I know, it seems my room is just packed with stylish clothes.

"No, you just appeared behind me again," sighed Ted as he leaned on his mop slightly.

Huh? Oh, wait, yeah! I figured it out earlier. I can still move around in here. It's just outside I have to walk...so, you know. Probably won't do that all the time. I mean, walking really, really sucks! Even with muscles, I don't think I could stand doing something so boring as often as you guys all do it.

"Well, most of us don't really get a choice in the matter." Ted shrugged, and the mop started to shift in the bucket. He barely managed to stop himself from falling but let go of the mop in the process. That led to it tilting over in the bucket and falling onto the ground while spilling the soapy water all over the floor.

Dang bro, you might want to be more careful.

"No kidding," Ted sighed as he leaned down to pick up the mop and set the bucket upright. He glanced up at Death and figured he may as well try asking him. After all, what did he have to lose? "Hey Death?"

'Sup bro?

"Have you ever mopped before?"

Nah, I just picked people up remem...wait, why do you ask?

"Well, this is a lot of work for just one guy. The weird lizard thing is even still here, and I was thinking..."

Bro...

"Come on, just hear me out here."

You're really going through with this?

"I mean..."

Come on, take a hint man. Don't make me have to reject you outright.

"But I backed you up on the kickflip!"

Hey, I totally did that. Death added, slightly flustered. You just spaced out when it happened, remember?

"Yeah, and I said I saw it." Ted continued. "This is like that. I just need a little..."

This is nothing like that! You just had to back your bro up, this is work, and a lot of it!

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"No, you'd just be backing me up." Ted's brain was working overtime as he tried to think of a way to twist his words just right so that it didn't sound so unreasonable to ask Death to help him out. "Like helping your 'bro' by getting water, soap, maybe scrubbing down a table or chair..."

Death let out a sigh, but it sounded more like air escaping from a freshly opened crypt. Yeah, not buying it. If you need me, I'll be perfecting some even more awesome tricks.

"Where, outside?"

Death disappeared, but Ted quickly caught him out of the side of his eye.

Nah, right here is perfect.

Death was standing near the fireplace with a skateboard in his hands as he gave Ted a thumbs up.

"So, you're not going to help me, but you're going to stay in this room?" Ted asked.

Well yeah, Death said with a shrug. Having you clean won't be a bother to me.

"Are you sure I can't convince you to..."

You're just procrastinating now my man. Gotta suck it up and play the hand that fate dealt you...Ah! Death had set his skateboard down on the ground as he spoke, and almost immediately it slid away from under his foot and sent him tumbling onto his back.

Ted knew he was right, but part of him was still upset that no one stuck around to help. He knew it was his turn not theirs, but it was still frustrating. Especially since no one expected anything like this would happen. Spilling an entire mug, maybe, but not nearly two barrels with one being full of mead with extra honey in it.

"You really need to work on your delivery."

Lulu was leaning at the bar next to the kitchen. She was holding a bucket of water and walked over to Ted with it. She set it down and put a hand on his shoulder.

"We started this thing together," she said. "I think it's only right if we see it through to the end together."

"Lulu," Ted's eyes were starting to tear up. He was already so emotionally exhausted from everything that this tiny kindness was almost enough to overwhelm him.

She just smiled back at him and then patted his shoulder a couple times. "Go ahead and grab another mob and refill your bucket. I'll get started."

Ted wiped his face and nodded. He Handed Lulu the mop, which she graciously accepted. In a quick action he grabbed the bucket and headed for the kitchen with a new spring in his step. That kindness from lulu helped him more than she must have known. Suddenly, this entire task didn't seem so bad. As he refilled the bucket and added more soap, he was even smiling. If he had more sense at the moment, he would probably have been mortified at how easily his mood had been flipped around.

As Ted headed back out, he saw Lulu sneering at the long lizard as she mopped the area right by its head. Each time the mope got close, she pushed it extra hard, and its wet tendrils slapped over the lizard's vacant stare. Yet, it refused to even blink, and simply stared into the distance, even as the mops landed directly on its eyeballs and slid a strange mixture, of soap, water, mead, and beer, all over them.

"You little brat! Think you can just ruin all of my hard work like that/ Do you know what I had to go through to help make that stuff? And I didn't even get to taste any of it?" Lulu berated the long lizard as she kept slapping its face with the mop as it got dirtier and dirtier. "Oh, if only I had a switch, I'd turn your back raw, and it'd be better than you deserve. You're lucky Death's here to keep me from getting too out of hand."

Ted sighed. It seemed she had ulterior motives in helping out. That knocked his mood down a peg, but he couldn't say he was really that surprised. And hey, at least she was still helping. Even if it was mainly cleaning the area near the strange lizard.

He walked up and set the bucket down next to hers. He dipped his mop into it and then began to rub it back and forth against the ground.

"Oh Ted," said Lulu before she cleared her throat and backed up from the lizard's head a little. "I was just...mumbling to myself about a former coworker. Nothing you need to worry about."

"It's fine Lulu," said Ted as he periodically dipped the mop back into the water bucket. "I'm just glad I don't have to do this alone. Whatever reason you're here is fine with me, as long as you're here."

Ah! Death cried out again as he fell to the floor. Okay, this one is going to take a while.

Ted ignored him and kept cleaning, as Lulu turned her eyes away from the lizard, but kept "accidentally" smacking its face with her mop as she swung a little too far towards it.

Death looked at the two of them and readjusted his sunglasses. Yep, such a super hard trick. It's definitely going to take me a while to absolutely master it. When there was still no reply, Death continued. Oh yeah, it's going to be so sick when I finally get it. Definitely super impressive.

Ted smirked. "I'll check it out, if you help us clean this up."

"Ah see, that's way better," whispered Lulu. "Gotta lure suckers in. You can't just hit them over the head with stuff."

Death rubbed his chin as he seemed to think about it. What if you check it out when you're finished?

Ted shrugged, "Ah, I'll be way too tired from all this work. I doubt I'd even notice it if you did the move in front of me."

Dang...ah well, I'm sure someone else will check this sick trick I'm perfecting out.

"I'm sure they will." added Ted as Lulu gave the innkeeper a wink.

Before they knew it, Death was alongside them with another mop, working to clean everything up.

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