《The Bartender at the End of the Universe》Ch 18: Bad to the Bone
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"Should someone check on him?"
"Curious." Sid held the scythe up with its blade against the light as he inspected the edge. Finally, he brought it down and put his finger up against it."
"I mean, he should be fine, right?" shrugged Ted before he saw Sid putting his finger against the sharp edge of the scythe. "Whoa! What are you doing? You'll hurt yourself like that."
Sid pulled his finger back and inspected it. "Curious." He murmured before looking up at Ted. "It seems this farming implement is exceptionally dull. I doubt it could cut anything."
That's because you don't know how to use it.
Again, it was obvious there was no actual sound, but they could all hear the deep voice, that sounded reminiscent of a tombstone scraping against granite, perfectly clearly. Ted turned around to see the skeleton descending the stairs, and tried his best not to laugh, but soon gave in, and several of the others quickly followed.
I'm afraid I don't quite see the humor in this predicament I have been forced into.
There was no ominous black robe draped over the skeleton. No proper suit. No, instead there was an oversized white t-shirt with a cartoon bulldog on it and the words, "Bad to the Bone," plastered prominently on the front. And that seemed to be the only clothes the skeleton decided to put on for some reason. And with their inebriated state, could you really blame any of them for laughing?
"Sorry, sorry," sighed Sentenza. "You just don't look like I expected, and I'd wager it's the same for the rest of us here."
"IIII ttthhhiiiinnkkk iiitt sssuuuiiitttsss hhhiiiimmm." declared Bakade with a nod.
"I think we might've gotten off on the wrong foot," Ted strolled up to the barrel on the table and poured a glass. "Come have a drink and tell us about how you got here."
You understand I am just a skeleton right? Well, a manifested personification of death to be more precise.
"That doesn't mean you can't share a drink with us." added Ted as he completely missed the obvious problem.
If that is what you wish. His reply was short and in the blink of an eye he had changed from being on the stairs to sitting at the table.
Ted was confused a moment, but then set the mug in front of him.
"Actually, there is something I forgot I needed to do." said Narissa as she kept her hand over a pouch on her waist. "I enjoyed this whole thing, minus a certain someone who shall not be named." she glanced over at Nugget for just a brief moment before she turned to leave.
"Can't it wait?" asked Ted.
"Sorry dear, beauty waits for no one! But we must do this more often."
"We do this pretty much every night," sighed Sentenza.
"Do not forget that you must all do my chores for a week." interrupted Sid. "Including you Narissa."
"Of course, just not right this moment, okay? Ta!" Instead of heading upstairs, Narissa went past the stairs towards the basement.
This is a ritual you all do?
"Of course! Drinking together helps unite a group." laughed Trizel. "Though I am afraid I did not have much time for drinking in my old world."
The skeleton held the mug in its bony hand as its skull slowly turned to stare at each of them. You are an odd bunch. Two of you seem more closely related to me than I am used to.
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"Two?"
Ted and Trizel both looked to Bakade and then back to him.
The machine seems to have had trouble finishing an arm.
Sid lifted up his skeletal forearm and hand. "This would be closer to a battle scar than a failure to develop a superior human body."
So you say. The skeleton turned back to again look at each of them. My guess is none of you originated here. Am I correct?
Ted nodded. "That's right. We all just showed up here one after the other. All our original worlds seemed quite different too."
Indeed
"Well, you seem pretty similar to the death I know," said Sentenza. "Just naked of course, so where did you come from?"
You know a personification of death? Is this a common occurrence in your world?
"You're being too literal there. There's knowing something and then seeing them. Death was a rider on a pale horse. A skeleton with a scythe to reap the souls of the dead. It was no more than a story where I'm from. A cold comfort that something cared about a person after they were put down."
Yes, that is similar to me. I have never had a horse. That would be unnecessary as i simply appear where I'm needed.
"Does that mean you were needed here?" asked Sid as he continued to hold the scythe.
There was a sigh projected directly to their minds. It sounded like the wind rushing to escape from a long-forgotten tomb.
That is sadly not the case.
"Well to be honest, I'd much prefer not to have you here to reap one of us." Ted threw out there.
It would be far better for my world if that was the case. I was ripped asunder from the cycle, and all for the sake of a small dog.
"A dog? Curious," murmured Ted before he realized the scythe was no longer in his hand but was now being held by the skeleton.
You may as well call me Death, even though that title seems to no longer be my realm. Death tilted the mug up to his mouth and poured it down. He got about halfway through the drink before he pulled it away and tilted his head. I taste bananas?
"Well of course you do. It's banana rum." scoffed Trizel. "It would be strange if you tasted strawberries."
I am a skeleton.
"I thought we already went through this?" asked Ted.
Yes, but I always thought without any organs I would be unable to taste anything, let alone how I am instinctually aware of how bananas taste.
"There are various kinds of undead. More powerful ones should of course be able to at least imitate human activities. It seems obvious to me that a lord of death would be able to at least taste things." Trizel seemed so confident, like that was the most obvious conclusion to make in the world.
I suppose that will do as an explanation for now. he tilted the mug up again until it was completely empty. You know, this is quite good.
"Umm, if you haven't had any alcohol before, you should probably slow down." suggested Ted.
"Nonsense," cut in Sentenza. "Why I think we should fill him up with as much as we can."
It wasn't long before it was clear that Death was drunk. He would almost explain things, and then stop to drink and go off on a tangent.
"So how did you end up here again?" asked Ted.
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I told you I... Death tilted up his mug and stared into it. It seems I'm out again. Can I get a quick refill?
"I think," Ted said as he held an arm out in front of Sentenza. "that's enough for tonight. Now, you ended up here, how did that happen?"
Bro, relax. I'm getting there. Heh heh. Bone. Skeleton. Death stared down at his shirt and started to chuckle. Right, uh...dog! That was it. It was like so uncool man! Like I don't decide when stuff dies, I just have to enforce it right? So, like this guy comes storming in saying I took his dog. Which like, first off, I don't know you, and you totally stormed into my pad and started yelling. Second...oh dudes, I should learn to skateboard. That'd be sick.
"Death, focus," interjected Sid. "How you ended up here."
Right right right right. Anyway, he comes in bam bam bam. Can't kill me I'm Death, he gets all frustrated. Finally, he challenges me to a game, and I like just wanted him gone so bad I agreed. Then he like drags his turns on for so long. I'm getting so bored, but I'm a professional, so I had to keep all stiff and junk. Always on the clock you know. Then I feel like reality fading around me as my realm in the underworld starts to crumble away. Seems he came with like a group and went alone to stall me while they jumped into the wheel to rip the dog's soul out.
Dearth tried to drink from his empty mug, and when nothing came out, he again tilted the mug and inspected it. Looks like I need a refill.
"Death!" Sid, Ted and Trizel all said in unison.
Sorry sorry, I forgot. Anyway, long story short, their actions made it so I was out of a job. No job, no need for me, and I was all set to be erased from the universe. But for what? Doing my job? Death is important! It's like a cycle or whatever. Stuff has to die to feed and push the next generation. Did I ever get any appreciation for my job of ushering souls back to the wheel? I don't think so. Just got people begging for me not to take them, or their loved ones. Man! It was such a bummer of a gig, you know?
"Dang straight. People fear the unknown, and you're just a big concentration of unknown. The step into what happens after death." added Sentenza.
Right? Seriously unfair man. But nothing I could do about it, so I was ready to accept my fate. Then I heard some laughter, and something pulled on my robes. My vision went white, and it was like all my senses were shrouded in static. Next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor over there. It's been weird not having a full schedule of deaths to attend to. It has been really quiet here dudes.
"Yes! Another step closer. Do you think you could recognize the laugh if you heard it again? Was it a man's voice? A woman's? Deep? Squeaky?" asked Ted excitedly.
Bro, I honestly have no idea. It was a really weird time. Now I'm here, and I'm definitely unemployed. I doubt whoever is death around here would be too happy if I horned in on their territory.
"Well, you're more than welcome to stay here." said Ted with a sigh. They had gotten closer but were still unable to really reach why they were all being brought here.
Awesome, and hey did you guys see this shirt? It's fricking hilarious. Especially because I'm made out of bones!
"You seem quite different from how you held yourself when you first arrived." declared Sid.
Oh yeah, I can be totally serious. Huhuhu. He laughed. I just feel really relaxed for some reason. Like I can let things go and not need to look professional and junk. It's awesome. Anyway, it feels like we've been like super focused on me. Why don't you guys talk about yourselves for a bit? Like let ol' Death know who you are and stuff.
Narissa had gone into the basement. But instead of following the safe path towards the wine cellar, she strayed off in the opposite direction, passing back under the stairs. She brought no light with her and moved through the darkness like it was a second home to her. After a few minutes she came across a skull carved from stone.
She rolled her eyes and murmured, "Why do they always go with the skull motif? It's hardly clever, and who could find something so ridiculous threatening?"
She traced her hand along the skull until she thrust her fist into the eye socket. She grabbed ahold of a small handle and pulled it. With a groan, the skull's mouth opened up and she rolled her eyes again. Past the mouth were set of stone stairs that were lit by a distant light far at the bottom. She put her hand on her hip and shook her head.
"Yeah, there's absolutely no way I'm walking down all of that." She said as she pulled off a small bead from her dress. She threw it hard against the ground, and it exploded in a puff of smoke.
What remained was a small boat, that looked like it would just fit on the stairs. She knocked four times along the inside of the skull, and the stairs retracted into the floor, leaving an ominous slide down. She hopped into the boat and shook her head. "You better be grateful for this Og'drimun." She slammed a foot down and a burst of air came out of the back of the boat, propelling her into the skull's mouth and deep below.
A single figure was watching in the distance. As she rocketed down, the figure stepped forward with a stern glare. "Bawk."
Narissa dusted herself off as she stepped out from the ruins of her small boat. She found herself in a laboratory of sorts, with dim torches along the walls. Rows upon rows of chemicals and other ingredients lined the walls with ominous looking machines in the center. A thick layer of dust covered everything.
"Fantastic," she sighed. "It seems like I've got my work cut out for me if I want to make this place at all usable."
She opened her pouch and pulled out the glowing pebble. She wiped away the dust from a large open firepit and set the pebble down in the center.
"Alright, I just have to draw on the energy from the tear. Hopefully it was as easy as he said." She mumbled to herself. "Come on, focus Narissa. You can do this. You've mastered things much harder than this. So what if you're risking your own life this time? You're no stranger to that. You can do this."
She kept trying to psyche herself up as she shook her hands and stared down at the glowing pebble. "Just focus. First draw the connection in your mind, and then with your magic."
She took in several deep breaths as she almost seemed to zone out. Then her hands began to draw shapes in the air until she finally touched her finger against the pebble. It started to glow more and more. Growing from a subtle glow to being as blinding as the sun. Finally, all the light was sucked back into the pebble. Then, it started to crack. First one, then another, until the entire thing burst open in a bright flash. Narissa was thrown back and groaned as she forced herself back up.
The pebble was gone, but in its place was a small glowing light about the size of a fist. It seemed affixed on the firepit. Slowly, Narissa reached her hand into the portal and kept leaning forward, until her entire arm, up to her shoulder, was inside the portal. When she pulled it back, she was holding a piece of chalk.
"It worked," she said quietly at first, before she screamed out, "It worked! Hahahaa! I'm a genius!"
There was a light scraping on the ground that seemed to be coming from right behind Narissa. She slowly turned around and ended up staring right at Nugget who was just a couple feet away and pawing the ground with her talon.
"I...I can explain?"
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