Gamer Guild’s Dungeon (2nd Floor)

--- Joshua ---

“I guess I’ll take the madness.” He figured that actual madness was far more valuable to him than a power up that was only good for as long as he was in the GM’s dungeon.

(“Alright, then just give me a moment…”) The GM told him as the three treasure chests burst into a swirling swarm of pixels before recondensing into a large black treasure chest with gold trim.

“So, I just open this and the Madness is inside?” He made sure as he walked up to the chest, some instinct telling him just how different this chest was to the previous ones.

(“Yep, though for the sake of gameplay I’ve set it to randomly drop a resource.”) The GM admitted, which given how she was doing him a solid here he wasn’t going to complain.

“Well then let’s see how the dice roll, hmm?” He placed a hand on either side of the chest’s lid before prying it open with a grunt as a familiar tune sung from the chest.

Grinning as he decided to play along he blindly shoved both hands into the chest before spinning in place and raising a glowing black sphere into the air as he struck a pose.

(“Heh-heh-ha!”) The GM laughed in delight. (“You got the Deceptive Madness. This Madness can be used to create effects that avoid attention or generate illusions.”)

“Huh, not bad.” He nodded, mentally taking note of the fact that the sphere seemed to become translucent the more he tried to focus on it.

Clenching his fist the sphere burst into ink sending small drops flying all around him even as he felt the Madness settling inside of him. Something he was sure he could only notice due to how little he actually had in reserve.

(“Huh, that’s cool.”) The GM commented as he started making his way down the stairs to the next floor.

“What is?”

(“Oh, you can usually tell a bit about a Wonderlander’s theme based on the effects they apply to their powers. Like how my stuff has video game pixels.”) The GM explained. (“I mean I know you’ve got this whole ‘cartoon theater’ thing going on, but the ink is still cool.”)

“I guess it is.” He agreed, not really sure what else he could say about the matter.

(“Yeah. I’ve seen some games do some cool stuff with art and ink mechanics.”) The GM told him. (“Heh, depending on how you’re scripting yourself you could be one of those brought to life.”)

“Huh, didn’t think of it that way.” He admitted considering the possibility. (Though stuff like that might take more ink than I can output right now…) (Still if I can put on a show with it it might be worth considering.)

As he contemplated this he eventually stepped into a large room with a ladder, another set of stairs and, “Ha, you made the merchant!”

(“I had to go with the classics, and given how he’s become memeonic I had to make an expy of him as my merchant character.”) The GM told him in a way that he could just hear their smile. (“Though I did have to give him a few changes for copyrights sake.”)

“Over here stranger.” The man in a trench coat called.

Unable to help himself he walked over and put on a gruff voice as he asked, “What are ya sellin’?”

The merchant laughed as he opened his trench coat. “Whaddya buyin?”

Another screen similar to the one he’d gotten with his class flashed into existence before him with three icons representing buy, sell, and upgrade in a similar style to the game the merchant was ripped from.

Clicking the buy option he didn’t find too much of value given how there were only really potions and more rat skulls for sale. Though with a bit of scrolling he found another section with the things he could trade said rat skulls for. And there he found something of value.

“Oh, I could use a proper coat.” He grinned, buying the Rat’s Cloak for all of his skulls.

(“Good choice. Ooh, wait…”) The GM told him, before seeming to get distracted by something. (“Oh, now that is interesting.”)

“Er, what is?” He felt the need to ask.

(“Just give me a second, keep browsing or whatever.”)

“But uh, the cloak is the only thing I need.” He pointed out.

(“You don’t want a health potion or something?”) The GM tried stalling. (No, ugh, fine just… give me… one more… second… and… done!)

“Got somethin’ that might interest ya’.” The merchant told him before reaching into his coat and pulling out a small black treasure chest.

“Uh, what’s this?” He asked the GM as he accepted the chest.

(“You’ll love it I promise!”)

Figuring there was no reason not to trust them given how much the GM had already done to help him he opened the chest before pulling out a (beautiful) black suit jacket.

(“Since you’re a Wonderlander I was able to ‘stylize’ my equipment to fit your Wonderland’s theme.”) His fellow Wonderlander explained. (“Meaning that while it’s still got the stat bonuses of my rat’s cloak, it now fits your dapper style.”)

“That it does.” He smiled, slipping the jacket on. (Though the tailcoat is a bit short for my tastes… Eh, I’ll just have to fix that myself.)

(“Yeah, what’s more I was somehow -really wondering about this power interaction by the way- able to figure out how to get the coat to eat similar equipment.”)

“Okay, not sure what that means but it sounds cool.” He admitted, prodding the other Wonderlander for more details while also trying to avoid the fact that some part of him was pretty sure his Malice was responsible for this weird power interaction.

(“It means if you find anymore you can use the upgrade screen to add some -not all- of that piece’s stats to your jacket.”) The GM explained, before asking him if, (“You got any idea what’s up with this?”)

“No.” He told her before adding that, “Honestly you’re kind of making me wonder the same thing now.”

(“Hmm, well it doesn’t really matter right now I guess.”) The GM dismissed in a way that told him she was still going to look into it on her own time. (“Still you heading to the next floor or tapping out?”)

“Come on, I’ve still got to break this new coat in.” He laughed, making his way to the stairs.

(“Good because I’m hoping you’ll actually like this next floor.”)

“Uh, why?” He frowned. “Is there something special about it?”

(“Eh, not really, but I’ve kind of been savoring everyone who’s run it since yesterday.”) The GM admitted.

“Why?” He asked once more if more cautiously.

(“Oh, there was this group that… They sort of broke this level and since they broke it they were able to cheat the next couple of levels too.”) The GM tried to explain. (“Honestly, it was kind of fun seeing something new like that… At least once I started ignoring the ‘rip and tear’ guy’s critiquing of all my traps.”)

“He… critiqued your traps?” He repeated in confusion. “Who does that?”

(“A guy who while very fun, also scares me a little. Especially with what he did on that one floor. Ergh.”) The GM answered, giving an audible shiver towards the end there.

“Uh, what did he do?” (And how bad could it be to freak out a fricking gang leader?)

(“He, uh, he… you ever wonder what would happen if you crossed DOOM and Bloodborne?”)

“No…” He admitted, not liking this tangent.

(“Well it’s as terrifying as it is epic.”)

“Oh.” He squeaked. “Um, he’s, uh, he’s just a visitor to town… right?”

(“Nope. Lives here and when you look at him he is the last person you’d imagine capable of doing something like this. Like I have empathic powers and this guy is just so… nice, that you wouldn’t expect him to literally bite someone’s head off.”)

For a brief moment he had a flashback to the weird disconnect he felt from Jon Whitaker that had his every instinct screaming to run as well as the one time he’d seen Jon use a knife. He then timesed that until he reached the point of doing the things the GM was describing and-

(Yeah, I’m glad Jon’s not that bad.)

“So uh, changing the topic, what exactly am I up against on this floor?” He asked, figuring that Madness wore enough at his sanity without adding disturbing thoughts about murderous Hufflepuffs to the mix.

(“Like I said this floor has a few simple traps.”) The GM seemingly shrugged as he got to the floor entrance. (“They’re honestly not that complicated until the fourth floor, and the ones here are meant more as set dressing with the occasional joke trap.”)

“Like this thing?” He half-chuckled as he found the classic cartoon trap of a box and rope behind the entrance door.

(“Why don’t you step on it and find out?”)

Deciding that there was no harm in giving his fellow Wonderlander an easy win, he made his way to the trap before giving the rope a few gentle prods with his foot.

Which is when the box exploded in size before trapping him in darkness.

“Huh…” He blinked despite being unable to see anything. “Is this temporary or do I have to break out of this myself?”

(“You could at least act like it surprised you.”) The GM whined before explaining that, (“You can either breakout or just wait for it to collapse. The thing doesn’t even last a whole minute.”)

“Cool, and are all the traps like this where they sort of… freak out or are they a more standard affair?” He wondered aloud while placing a tag on the wall to see what happened. Something he only felt comfortable trying due to the fact that he could cover up any ill effects as his way of trying to escape the box rather than his attempt to poke and prod the GM’s Madness with his own.

(“Ergh, what did you just do?”) The GM asked with an audible shiver.

“Uh, I was using one of my powers on the box.” He admitted before frowning. “Wait, you felt that?”

(“Ugh, yeah… Felt like something slimy crawling over my skin.”) The GM shivered again. (“What exactly were you trying to do?”)

“I can make this Ink similar to the whip, and I was wondering if it could help break down your trap.” He half-lied, while making a mental note that his fellow Wonderlander could feel the tags that he thought only he could see. (Then again this entire dungeon is technically part of her Wonderland, and now that I think about it, I wonder if other Madness users can see my ink? And if they can, can Malice users see it too?)

He hadn’t asked Zylah if she could see his tags, but he also hadn’t considered the possibility that other people could perceive them after his test with the Malice Doctor and his guard either. (That’s definitely something I’ll have to check the next time I see her. It’d be just my luck if only non-Deviants can’t see it.)

(“Yeah, well… whatever you just tried to do, can you not do it again?”) His fellow Wonderlander asked. (“At least until you unlock it as a skill in the skill tree.”)

“Sure that shouldn’t be too hard.” He shrugged, figuring that this actually gave him an excuse for why he was such a weak Wonderlander if the GM got curious.

(“Sorry and thanks. Power interactions can be weird.”) The GM told him as the box finally disappeared from around him.

“Yeah, I’ve seen some weird ones.” Admittedly those were more from his days following Chris’s heroic exploits than any of his own experiences, but he’d still them in person. (So it technically counts.)

(“Tell me about it, there was this really weird one yesterday that completely threw off a few of my floors because they had this really weird magical affinity that my monsters reacted to because of their lore.”)

“Huh, that is weird… in that weird way that also kind of makes sense.”

(“Definition of Madness, man.”)

Shaking his head he continued through the dungeon, before eventually asking, “Is this entire floor going to be nothing but traps and puzzles or are there going to be a few fights?”

(“It’s mostly fighting.”) The GM sighed. (“I mean, I’ve tried making a floor that was more puzzles than fighting before but… it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped…”)

“Uh, what do you mean?”

(“People are idiots.”) His fellow Wonderlander answered dry as a desert.

“Okay…” (Not sure if I should touch that one.)

Deciding that it was better to be safe than sorry on this kind of thing he instead turned his attention to the upcoming room where he found a small group of four short lizard-like humanoids clustered together.

“I feel like I know what these guys are but I can’t name it for sure.” He admitted in a frustrated tone.

(“Eh, I’ll tell you after you beat them. No hints before the big fight.”)

“Fair enough.” He shrugged before stepping into the room with a roll of his shoulders.

Taking advantage of the fact that the creatures hadn’t noticed him yet he swung his ink whip into the group a couple of times, causing them to scatter as they each took a single hit.

“Alright, bit tougher than the rats of the last floor, but they don’t seem as tough as the big rats at least.” Which is why he had no problem using his whip to grab one of the lizards and shatter it into pixels as he threw it into the ground.

The three remaining creatures seemed to decide that this was their best opening as they rushed him all at once, something that probably would’ve given him trouble if he didn’t toonify his hand and pixelate two of the lizards in a single punch.

Having managed to dodge the strike the last of the creatures began trying to crawl away from him as it realized it was all alone.

“Please no hurt me!” The creature cried, causing him to pause.

“Wait… These things are sentient?!” He shouted, taking a step back.

(“Eh, semi-sapient.”) The GM corrected. (“Also they’re respawning, so they don’t actually experience death the way normal people do.”)

“Still…” His current plans may make him a bad guy, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be a bad guy. “I don’t think I can kill something that isn’t fighting back.”

(“You don’t have to kill it, though if you don’t clear a treasure room you won’t be able to get the treasure chest.”) His fellow Wonderlander warned.

“Yeah…” His whole point in coming here was to gather experience and Madness, “but that doesn’t mean I have to kill everything I see.”

(“Moral integrity over treasure. I can respect that.”)

Accepting the GM’s words for what they were, he turned away from the cowering creature and towards the two doors leading further into the dungeon. “So which door should I MOTHER FUCKER!” He screamed before grabbing the (bitch ass) lizard that just (stabbed me in the back) and crushing it’s skull with a toonified hand.

“What the fuck was that?!”

(“Yeah… just because something can talk doesn’t mean it’s not going to stab you in the back first chance it gets.) The GM told him.

(Does that include you?) He wanted to ask, though some part of him managed to force that question back down.

(“Anyway while there are a couple of monsters you can reason with on lower floors, Kobolds are designed to stab you in the back the first chance they get.”) The GM continued, unaware of his thoughts.

“Meaning that even if they pretend to be defenseless they still intend to attack whenever I look away.” He finished for her.

(“Just like a Boo.”) The GM agreed.

Running a hand down his face he forced down his frustrations. “Fine, whatever. Which of these rooms should I hit next?”

(“Well the one across from the entrance leads further in, but the one perpendicular to those leads you to a treasure room.”)

“Right… treasure room it is.” He sighed, turning to the door.

(“Glad you get how it works.”)

“First rule of games.” He shrugged. “Explore everything and take everything that isn’t nailed to the ground.”

(“I know but there are people out there who don’t realize that!”) His fellow Wonderlander told him in shock, before adding in a calmer tone, (“Don’t forget the potion and fang those two kobolds dropped.”)

“Oh.” He glanced at the ground. “Completely missed those.”

(“Trust me if you’re trying to see how far you can go you’re going to want as many of those as you can get.”) The GM warned. (“Each level the drop rate goes down, and by the final floor there aren’t any potion drops at all.”)

“Yeah, that sounds like it could be a problem.” He admitted coming to the door of the treasure room. “Hey there’s going to be kobolds on the other side of this thing right?”

(“I can’t tell you for sure because rules, but it’d be a safe-ish bet going forward.”)

“Right…”

Slowly opening the door and peeking around the cover he found four more kobolds surrounding a treasure chest in the middle of the room while bickering with each other.

(Damn they’re life like.) He grimaced before shaking his head. (The GM said they’re respawning so even if I kill them they’ll still come back later, and…) “Do all Dreams resurrect when they die?”

(“Uh, complete honesty I’ve only had my Dungeon Dreams die before so…”)

“So none of yours have died either…” He finished, remembering something Avery had said once about the other Cabaret Dreams fading away.

(“Yeah, there’s like four people I trust in my Wonderland unsupervised, and maybe eight non-Wonderlanders I allow in it period.”) The GM told him. (“But even if a Dream that isn’t meant to die dies, you should be able to resurrect them with enough resources… or at least that’s how we work in most games.”)

“Um, maybe we shouldn’t be trusting games on how things work?”

(“Blasphemy.”)

“...”

(“...”)

(Okay… I’m just going to ignore that for my own sanity if nothing else.)

Taking a deep breath, he re-focused himself on the task at hand and once more took note of the positions of the various kobolds before shoving the door open and using his Ink Whip to pull the closest one out of the pack. Once the lizard was within his actual arms reach he proceeded to grab it by the head and slam it into the ground with his full weight, shattering it into a small storm of pixels.

As he clenched his fist around the coins dropped by the kobold, another rushed towards him only to burst into pixels as he backhanded it with a toonified fist, leaving him with the last two kobolds eyeing him as warily as he eyed them.

Deciding to keep the momentum going before he lost it, he flexed his whip hand before throwing it out to lash at the two kobolds. A quick and rapid series of strikes tore them both into little pixels as a small chime echoed through the room, followed by the sound of the chest unlocking.

“Alright, that wasn’t too bad.” He admitted, rolling his shoulders as he stepped up to the chest, only to stare at it.

His gaze narrowed at the box as he began to spin his whip around his wrist.

(“Oh, for the love of- Mimics are only on the demon floor and the lovecraft floor!”) The GM yelled at him.

He didn’t believe her.

(“You know what? Fuck it, I’ll open the chest myself.”)

There was a click and the lid of the chest shot open revealing a pair of potions both red and blue within.

He continued to eye the chest.

(“What now?”) The GM groaned.

“How do I know this isn’t a baited mimic? I mean the chest opened on it’s own so…”

(“Take the loot now or I’m lowering the drop rate of the entire dungeon.”) The gang leader growled.

Deciding that was a fate far worse than a mimic bite he quickly swiped and pocketed both of the potions from the chest before fleeing from the room.

Once in the room he’d previously cleared he took a moment to remember which of the doors was the entrance before taking a right and heading deeper into the dungeon.

“So out of curiosity how many kobold types does this floor have?” He asked as he continued down the tunnels that separated every dungeon room.

(“Two, the standard grunts and then the boss, which no spoilers.”)

“Fair.” He shrugged. “But why does this floor only have one mob compared to the previous one?”

(“Right, since you focus on a few strong Dreams you’ve probably never come across this issue.”) The GM told him. (“You see when I make a Dungeon I can only put so much Madness into each floor before it breaks apart. Unfortunately since the kobolds are smarter than animals this means they take up a lot more Madness, which means I can create fewer variants.”)

“If that’s the case, then I’m guessing that the deeper the Dungeon goes the more Madness you can pump into each floor?” It made a certain amount of sense that the further from reality one went the more easily Madness could take things over.

(“Eh, I can power through it if I want, but the energy drain on me does go down the further down people go. That’s part of how I maintain the whole upgrade system for so many people who aren’t actual guild members.”) The GM admitted.

“Interesting…” This meant several things, though how much of it was actually useful to him and the cabaret he couldn’t be sure of just yet.

Coming to another room door he once more pushed it open gently so that he could take a look into the room without being attacked and try to plan his course out.

Like the last two rooms he’d cleared, this one had a small group of kobolds gathered together. In fact the only major difference between this room and the previous two was the fact that there were a number of small pits littering the room floor.

(Not the biggest hazard, but something I’ll have to keep an eye on if I don’t want to slip and fall.)

Seeing that this room was so similar to the previous two, he saw no harm in using tactics that had already proven themselves oh so useful. Which is why he once more threw out his ink whip and tried to pluck the nearest kobold from the group. Only because this room was bigger than the previous two -something he hadn’t noticed during his inspection- his whip ended up falling a couple of meters short and flopping to the ground uselessly as he gave away his position.

“Uh… this thing has a range limit?”

(“You can upgrade it when you level up.”)

“I see… You know this is one of those pain in the ass upgrades that’s only there because it’s such a pain without it. The kind that gets unlocked from the get go in the sequel.”

(“You know I could just make five meters your absolute limit.”) The GM warned him.

“Right…” He sighed before turning his attention to the kobold and noticing something odd. “Wait, weren't there four of these guys? Where’d the other one go?”

One of the kobolds threw a rock at him.

“What the fuck?” He cursed, not having expected the cheapshot to his face.

Growling he took two long steps forwards as he swirled his whip around his wrist before once more throwing it out in an Ink Pull. One far more successful than his previous attempt, seeing as he actually managed to grab the (little fucker) who threw a rock at him. An action he repaid by throwing said monster into one of the room’s walls of stone hard enough to pixelate it.

Still feeling pissed he shot out another whip to grab a second kobold, waiting until it was halfway to him before slamming it into the ground with a toon fist and turning his attention to the third kobold cowering away from him.

Knowing that it was just an act to get him to drop his guard he started marching towards it with the full intention of shattering it beneath his foot. Or at least that was the plan before the fourth kobold jumped out of one of the shallow pits and stabbed him in the leg.

“Son of a bitch!” He spat, using his uninjured leg to punt the sneaky little (bastard) with all of his enhanced strength, pixelating it the moment it’s head came into contact with his shoe.

He heard a whimpering sound to his side, causing his attention to snap to the kobold now truly cowering away from him.

Snarling, he twirled his whip around his wrist with increasing speed before sending it out in a lash powerful enough to audibly crack the air almost as hard as it cracked the kobold into a storm of pixels.

(“Someone’s got anger issues.”)

“Fuck, is this supposed to hurt this much?” He asked, not particularly caring for the GM’s opinion beyond that matter right now.

(“Hold on… Okay I see what happened.”) The GM told him a tone that conveyed the fact that they were grimacing. (“I forgot this happens sometimes with other Wonderlanders, but because you’re a Wonderlander everything is a little more real to you. Meaning that while other people would get the pain reduced based on their difficulty level, you’re going to get it unfiltered.”)

“Then why didn’t that other kobold hurt me this bad?” He frowned, pulling the knife out of his leg so that his healing factor could fix it.

(“Uh, not entirely sure but I think it’s got something to do with the fact that that kobold had more bonuses to its damage?”) The GM suggested.

“Right, so the higher their damage the more pain they’ll cause me?” He groaned, wondering if he should continue with the dungeon or backtrack and call it a day.

(Ah, ah, ah, are we really going to wimp out because of a little ‘pain’?)

Closing his eyes he took a deep breath before letting it out. “Fuck it. I’ve got to get used to it anyway.”

(“Yeah, grind that pain resistance!”) The GM cheered before calmly telling him, (“Don’t get weird with it though. The people in gamer fics take it way too far with the self-harm.”)

“Well, how else are we supposed to grind those skills?” He grinned, feeling just a tinge of Madness creeping in the back of his head as the wound leg sealed shut. Shortly followed by the tear in his pants stitching itself shut.

(“By adventuring in my dungeon and collecting loot.”) The GM not so subtly prodded him..

“Right…” He chuckled, picking up his drops. “Hey, how many rooms left on this floor?”

(“Three. One more standard room, a treasure room, and then the boss room.”)

“Cool.” He nodded, starting towards the door and tunnel to the next room. “Thinking of, why do you have all of these tunnels between the rooms?”

(“Eh, it’s mostly for aesthetic and atmosphere.”) The GM admitted. (“It also pads things out and gives that whole spelunking feel to everything for the tourists. Once you hit the fourth floor the rooms are pretty much straight connections to each other with the last one being more of an open maze than anything else.”)

“An open maze?”

(“Like a forest or city dungeon in video games. It was a trick and a half getting everything right for that one.”)

“Yeah, I don’t really have much experience with the wide scale architecture stuff.”

(“Right, your Wonderland is a theater, right?”)

“Yep, the Cartoon Cabaret.” He nodded proudly.

(“Aw, you named your Wonderland!”) The GM cooed.

“Uh… is that… weird?” (Because damn it if the old boss fucked me over here…)

(“Eh, yes and no? I know more open Wonderlands tend to name their sections but I’m not actually sure how a smaller Wonderland like yours would work. So maybe smaller ones would have a name?”)

“I thought you’d met other Wonderlanders before?” He pointed out warily.

(“Yeah, but only a couple of adults and a couple more kids who didn’t know much themselves.”)

“Huh, figured with how open you are about being a Wonderlander more would be coming to visit you.” After all despite his -admittedly- one sided competition to be the number one Wonderlander in the city, he was legitimately curious to meet another Wonderlander himself.

(“Eh, not really. Most Wonderlanders don’t like to move around too much. Only reason I’m cool moving throughout the city is because I moved around so much as a kid. The wandering Wonderlanders are the real outliers here.”)

“Huh…” (Wonder which kind I am?) He wasn’t overly attached to the city, but at the same time he knew his situation was weird even by Wonderlander standards.

Coming up to another door he quickly decided that was something he couldn’t answer just yet, and instead turned his attention to clearing this next room.

“Hey, are all the rooms on this floor just going to be four kobolds over and over again?” He asked as he stealthily scoped out his competition.

(“Uh, there’s usually a little more variety for larger parties. This honestly one of the more boring floors to solo if you aren’t going for a speedrun.”) The GM seemed to shrug.

“Right…”

Shaking his head he quietly stepped into the room before sneaking close enough to get the Kobolds into range of his Ink Whip. A tactic he felt shouldn’t have worked as well as it did given how the four were sitting in a circle around a small fire pit in the middle of the room.

(Maybe it’s the stealth bonus from the cloak?) He quickly dismissed the question. (Eh, it doesn’t matter as long as it works.)

Flexing his whip he quickly used his Ink Pull to pull one of the kobolds to him before grabbing its maw with his free hand and using his whip hand to pull a second kobold towards him. And with two kobolds in arms reach he Toonified his hands before clapping the kobolds together hard enough to pixelate them.

(Ugh, it’s sticking to my hands.) He frowned, dusting his hands off.

Glancing towards the remaining two he took a step forward before stumbling as a sudden wave of exhaustion hit him. (The fuck?)

Seeing this as an ideal opportunity both of the kobolds rushed him, and while he managed to step out of the way of the first kobold, he wasn’t so lucky with the second as it drove a knife into his side. (Double fuck!)

Growling he grabbed the offending lizard by its head before throwing it as hard as he could into the fire pit. And while it didn’t shatter on impact it did dissolve into pixels after taking a moment to catch fire in the flames.

The last kobold made an odd sort of ‘eep’-ing sound before trying to turn tail and run away. (Key word trying.)

A whip of black ink latched onto the kobold’s scaly hide before pulling it close enough for him to throw it on the ground, where he then proceeded to stomp on it as hard as he could. An effort that he had to repeat only once to shatter the dungeon monster.

“Woo, fuck…” He gasped now that he was done fighting.

(“You okay?”)

“Yeah, just… just give me a second.” He panted, trying to take a moment to figure out where this sudden bout of exhaustion came from.

(It happened right after I used my Toon Hands… and thinking about it I’ve used them quite a few times in the last, what? Twenty, thirty minutes?) He knew he could tire himself out or give himself a headache if he pushed his power too much, but he wasn’t used to it making him dizzy like that either.

(Probably doesn’t help that my Inkwell feels so close to dry.) He hadn’t really noticed his whip dipping into that until he started feeling it out just now. (Though given how much I’ve been using it, that doesn’t really line up… Unless…)

“Does your power-up skills tap into my own reserves?”

(“Uh… possibly? I mean it does for magic users, psychics, and Deadmen but you’d be the first Wonderlander to have that problem.”)

“Of course I would…” He sighed.

(“Has my game been eating up your resources?”) The GM asked with a touch of concern.

“Er, yes and no?” He admitted, trying to figure out how much he wanted to reveal on this. “I’ve got a designated pool of energy for some of my powers, but I didn’t notice the Ink Whip was draining it.”

(“Ah, a resource refinement issue…”) The GM seemed to nod as if they understood exactly what he was talking about even if he had no idea what they were talking about. (“Drink one of the blue potions and it should refill those reserves, and clear your head a bit. Also if you’re feeling tired you might want to take one of the red potions as well since they restore stamina and I’m not entirely sure how you set up your healing factor.”)

“Right.” Figuring there was no reason not to listen to her, he went ahead and pulled out the red and blue potions from earlier before downing them both at once. “Ugh, why do these taste like grape?”

(“You mixed the potions and red plus blue equals purple, which is grape.”) The GM explained as if he was an idiot.

“That… that makes perfect sense.” He lied as the artificial grape seemed to stick to his mouth. Part of him wanted to spit the flavor out but at the same time he felt doing that in someone’s Wonderland might be a little… rude. (Well at least I can feel my Inkwell refilling.)

“Ergh, the treasure room is the one on the left, right?”

(“Right, the left one.”)

Nodding he picked up another oversized fang that one of the kobolds had dropped before making his way to the door, only to find it sticking when he tried to open it.

“Hey, what gives?”

(“Huh, don’t know…”) The GM told him in a tone that said they knew exactly what the problem was, but that they were enjoying his suffering.

Rolling his eyes at the unhelpful answer he slammed his shoulder into the door to try and force it open. And while the door didn’t quite open he did notice something as it cracked open a bit.

“You have it flipped.” He sighed, pulling on the handle embedded into the right side of the door.

(“If it makes you feel better, everyone struggles with that one for a good few minutes.”) The GM seemed to laugh.

“I’m sure they do.” He told them sarcastically as he started down the tunnel, before glancing up. “Hey, what’s with the ceiling? Is this another trick?” He asked, noticing how it seemed to slant enough that he needed to crouch to get by.

(“Uh, this one is on you.”)

“What do you mean?”

(“Look down.”)

He blinked before looking down and seeing that he was floating about a two feet above a slide going down. “Oh.” (Since when can I do this?)

Gravity decided this was the ideal moment to turn on.

He hit the slide at an awkward angle that sent him tumbling down the slide and into a door that gave out to his weight, sending him rolling into a small room where his face impacted with a wooden chest. “Ouchies…”

(“Huh, so that’s what it looks like when you roll a one in real life. Also you’re surrounded.”)

He painfully pushed himself up and found that (yes, I am in fact surrounded.)

Not letting this revelation -(or my pain)- slow him down, he kicked off the ground to tackle a kobold to his right and break out of their circle. From there a few awkward punches into the kobold beneath him was enough to shatter it into pixels.

Of course beating one enemy did absolutely nothing to save him from the three behind him, or at the very least it did nothing to save him from the one that decided jumping onto his back was good idea.

“Get. The. Fuck. Off!” He cursed as the thing tried scratching and clawing at his back. At least until he threw himself onto his back and crushed it under his weight, an action that when added with a lucky elbow behind him managed to shatter the beast, leaving him alone with the last two of their little group.

“Alright, who’s next?” He groaned as it got to his feet. “Come on ugly one and ugly two, I don’t have all day here.”

Both kobolds growled at him before breaking apart and trying to rush him from each side.

A quick leap back had him avoiding this pincer attack, though it did put his back against the literal wall. (Wait, I’ve got a whip, why am I not using it?)

Flexing his wrist he began spinning his Ink Whip through the air before sending it out at the kobold to his right with a series of strikes. Half way through this combo he turned his attention to the leftmost kobold as it tried to stab him only to get a shoe to the face, quickly followed by the enlarged fist that shattered it against the far wall.

“No, no more!” The kobold he first attacked cried.

“What? No more life? Yeah, I can arrange that.” He nodded before shattering the monster with a well placed kick to its skull.

(“Ooh, brutal.”)

“Yeah, I’ve already been stabbed enough times in… however long I’ve been on this floor.” He admitted, rolling his shoulders as he made his way to the treasure chest. “Let’s see… Another fang and a handful of coins.”

(“Huh, surprised you didn’t do another mimic thing.”)

“Yeah, well you warned me you’d lower the drop rate if I did that.” He reminded them while grabbing a few coins dropped by the kobolds.

(“So I did.”)

“Anyway, I’ve just got the boss room now, right?”

(“Yep.”) The GM confirmed as he looked up the slide tunnel. (“Oh, the sides don’t have the slide smoothness so you can just walk up those.”)

“Right, thanks.” He nodded, feeling for the space with his foot and once he found the more stable footing he started hiking up the tunnel.

(“So that walking on air thing is pretty cool.”) The GM commented in that idle way that said they were more filling the silence than anything else.

“Eh, I’m a cartoon character in the same way you’re probably a video game character.” He shrugged, figuring that was simply how it worked for Wonderlanders like them.

(“I guess that’s fair, but I’m honestly more like someone playing the game they built than a simple ‘video game character’.”)

“Meaning you’re a video game character with admin rights.” He corrected himself with a huff of amusement.

(“More like a modder, but sure we can go with admin rights for now.”) The GM agreed with a smile to their voice.

“Yep, this is definitely modder quality dlc.” He nodded, tapping his hand against the tunnel wall.

(“Hey, some games live off their modder communities.”)

“Yeah, I’m a console player so… Good luck with that.” He told them as he stepped back into the room before the Boss fight.

“There anything I should worry about with this guy?” He asked, walking up to the boss door.

(“Er, probably?”)

He paused with his hand on the door before giving the air a questioning look. “Meaning?”

(“Weird power interactions that you’re just going to have to roll with for now.”)

“Okay, now I’m worried.” He admitted, opening the door anyway and starting down the tunnel to the boss room. “I don’t suppose you care to elaborate.”

(“Eh, it’s nothing major, just a few bits of the boss fight are undergoing… play testing.”)

“Play testing?” He repeated.

(“Play testing.”)

“Right… and what kind of play testing is going on exactly?”

(“A… hacker rewrote part of this fight.”)

“A hacker?” He repeated once more before deciding that he should go ahead ask them if, “This hacker happen to be nicknamed the GM?”

(“Pft, I wish.”) His fellow Wonderlander scoffed. (“At least then they wouldn’t have started this stupid cult to their mistress.”)

“I’m sorry, their what to their what now?”

A faint clicking was the only answer he got as his world flipped upside down and found himself hanging in the air by his foot.

“The fuck just happened?!”

(“Oh, right! He taught them how to make real traps, completely forgot about that.”) The GM admitted. (“Actually, that explains why nobodies really beaten this floor today.”)

“What’s going on?!” He growled not understanding anything the GM just said.

(“Uh, you’re more fucked than I thought?”) The GM chuckled sheepishly.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

“Ah, the mistress’s hunter was corrected, ambushing outside of our room was the better tactic.” A voice whispered from the shadows.

“Like the hunter said, ‘Fighting fair is for fools.’” A second voice agreed. “He’s as smart as he is crafty. A true kobold even if human.”

“Shut up and cut him down so the priest can sacrifice him to the mistress already.” A third voice cut in.

“Okay, I am deeply uncomfortable with where this is going.” He admitted as three kobolds came into view.

(“Yeah, uh, give me a second…”) There was the sound similar to rolling dice in his head. (“Okay, you passed your luck save so I can do… this.”)

The rope holding him up suddenly snapped, dropping him on his head.

(“Oof, sorry.”)

“You idiots you didn’t do the trap right!” The lead kobold growled.

“Okay, mind telling me what the fuck is going on?” He snarled, getting to his feet.

(“Uh, a handful of my minions seem to have gone rogue… you mind fixing that for me?”) The GM asked as he dodged a knife from one of the kobolds. (“No? Thanks, you’re such a pal.”)

“And you’re such a bitch.” He shot back as he sidestepped a kobold (with a spear? When the fuck did these things get spears?)

Reaching out he grabbed the spear before using it to pull the kobold close enough for him to reach out and use a toon punch to -literally- knock its head off.

“Oh my mistress, he killed Kenny!”

“You bastard!”

He froze before wheezing. “Heh-ha! You didn’t!”

“Avenge Kenny!” The kobolds shouted before rushing him.

“Oh, heh, shit.” He laughed, before falling out of the way of the first knife only to get the second in his side. “Fuck, heh-ha! I guess this is what they mean by side-splitting laughter!”

Feeling the madness crawling in the back of his head as his song began to play, he threw his arm out while toonifying it, causing his hand and forearm to expand several sizes larger than he was usually capable of as he slammed both kobolds into the wall.

“Ah, shit.” One of the kobolds cursed as they picked themselves off the ground. “Fall back we can’t take him alone.”

“You’re right, you can’t!” He smiled, throwing out another toon hand bigger than he was usually capable of.

“Run!” The kobolds cried ducking out of the way of his hand.

“F-fuck!” He laughed, pulling the knife out of his side. “I can’t believe you named your minions to set up a joke!”

(“Uh, I didn’t…”)

“W-what?” He asked breathlessly.

(“Yeah, um, apparently your madness overlaid with mine and had my nameless minions name themselves.”) The GM explained, with a touch of concern to their voice.

He blinked. “Wait, we can do that?”

(“Apparently?”) The GM offered unsurely. (“It’s not something I’ve seen happen with the few other Wonderlanders I’ve met.”)

“Huh… Can you let me know if it happens again?” He asked his fellow Wonderlander as he continued down the tunnel towards a visibly open set of doors.

(“Yeah, sure. Just uh, just let me know if you notice anything weird on your end.”)

“Heh, we’re all weird here.” He reminded her with a grin, still feeling the Madness bubbling in the back of his head.

(“Right…”)

Cautiously walking into the boss room, he noted the fact that it was very similar to the Rat King’s boss room with a handful of differences. The most prominent being that instead of a throne at the top of the stairs there was a statue of what looked like a cross of a dragon on one side and a vaguely asian girl on the other.

Directly in front of this statue was a kobold in robes with another warrior kobold standing next to it. (And this one is uninjured, meaning the other two are hiding somewhere.)

“So you’re the trouble maker besmirching our dear mistress’s sanctuary.” The robed kobold commented while giving him a look of disdain.

He couldn’t help but to click his tongue with a grin. “Careful, Sanctuary ain’t exactly a nice thing where I come from.”

The robed kobold scoffed. “Good because you’ll find we aren’t very nice here either!” The kobold punctuated this statement by throwing its hand out and sending out a bolt of electricity that (I can’t dodge!)

He was blown off his feet for a moment before crashing back into the ground as a tingly burning feeling spread throughout his chest.

(“Huh, did you know when you get electrocuted, you can see your skeleton?”)

“No, but… did you know that… dragons breathe fire and not lightning?!” He yelled.

“Perhaps the lesser dragons who cannot match our mistress’s greatness!” The robed kobold scoffed.

“Yeah, well your mistress can sh- Oh shit!” He stumbled back as both of the injured kobolds from before dashed out from behind the door and rushed him.

Crawling away from the kobolds proved an act of dexterity he doubted he could’ve pulled off without all of his parkour training, especially since (the little fuckers won’t let me off of the ground!)

Getting sick of being on the defensive he lashed out with his ink whip in a sloppy but effective strike that forced the kobolds back just long enough for him to get back onto his feet and deliver a follow-up strike that was far more effective seeing as it actually managed to shatter both of the vicious little kobolds into pixels.

“Fuck.” He cursed before turning his attention back to the two kobolds at the top of the stairs as well as (the bolt of lightning flying straight for my face.)

By sheer luck he slipped on a loose rock and fell out of the way of a strike that he was sure would’ve done some serious damage to him if it had managed to hit him.

(Shit, I can’t let these little fuckers set the pace like this.) (This is my show damn it!)

Growling to himself he rolled back to his feet for the second time in half as many minutes before rushing up the stairs as he spun the ink whip around his wrist. The moment he felt he was close enough to actually hit the (lightning spamming bastard) he threw the whip out in an attempt to pull the kobold closer. And while he did succeed in grabbing a kobold it wasn’t the one he wanted. Instead the warrior kobold had jumped in front of the magical kobold just before his whip would’ve latched onto it, trading places with its leader.

He couldn’t help but grimace as he saw the wrong kobold flying towards him, though that didn’t stop him from toonifying his hand to snatch the kobold out of the air and slamming it into the stairs as hard as he could.

(Which apparently isn’t hard enough.) He scowled seeing how the kobold was still alive. “Just. Fucking. Die already!” He yelled at the kobold as he stomped it as hard as he could.

“Get off of him!” The magical kobold screamed just as another bolt of lightning slammed into his chest before throwing him off of the steps and crashing into the ground below.

“I’m getting real sick of that.” He admitted with a quiet groan as he sat up.

“Are you alright?” The magical kobold asked as it helped its compatriot to its feet, earning a nod and grunt of confirmation. “Good then let’s finish this bastard.”

“Yeah… that’s a cute thought.” He told the two kobolds as he stood up. “Unfortunately, it’s not happening.”

“You think you can-” Instead of letting the kobold lecture him he rushed forward and threw out another ink pull.

Like before the warrior kobold threw itself in front of its more mystical counterpart, unlike before when the kobold was close enough to strike he stepped out of the way and let it fly past him so he could throw out a second ink whip and actually grab his target this time.

“Shit!” The lizard cursed as ink wrapped around it.

Not wanting the tricky (bastard) to escape him he toonified both of his hands before clapping the flying kobold as hard as he could. And when that didn’t shatter the little monster, he proceeded to headbutt it as his hands reverted to their natural size before uppercutting it hard enough to launch it up the stairs.

Hearing steps behind him he quickly turned around before kicking the warrior kobold in the face and sending it rolling back down the stairs to a place he followed by jumping off of the steps and landing on the kobold with enough force to (finally) shatter it.

“Fuck…” He groaned before hearing something else groaning at the top of the stairs.

“You still alive up there?” He asked as he made his way up the steps.

A groan answered him.

“Don’t worry, that won’t be a problem for much longer.” He assured the kobold as he finally spotted it next to the statue of what he was assuming was its ‘mistress’.

The robed kobold growled at him before raising a sparking hand to try and shoot him with another bolt of lightning. Something he was smart enough to avoid by stomping said hand into the ground.

“Any last words?” He asked since (I’m a sporting sort of man.)

“Praise the mistress…” The kobold told him clearly running on fumes.

“No, I don’t think I will be.” He admitted sadly before idly flicking some of his ink onto the statue’s face.

The kobold glared at him with hate in its eyes, earning a laugh out of him just before he stomped its face beneath his foot, shattering it into hundreds of pixels and leaving nothing but an oversized fang behind.