~ 14 ~

What Does It Mean to Be a Dragon?

I watched the princess disappear into the density of trees, listening for the grass beneath her boots... until it went silent. The summer breeze passed through me. Sunlight showered onto my head.

I was alone.

It felt weird to be removed of burden, annulled from obligation, and have zero responsibility. I was free to fly back to my cave, to engage in the usual tomfoolery that buzzed around my lazy existence. It was time for me to go home, to find something to eat and then fall back asleep—maybe burn through a couple of decades to see if that would make a difference.

She might be dead by the time I wake up.

But what did that matter? Our connection was done; our time together had been spent. She no longer affected my life, and I no longer had any impact on hers. Wondering if the years had been kind or unkind to each other. Maybe, every now again, we would think about each other. But then life would go on, resuming its usual route for us both.

After someone left our lives, did it matter if they were still out there, alive in the world? If you no longer have contact or interaction with them, does it make a difference if they still breathe? These thoughts were dark. Darker than any kind that I usually had. I never used to think so deeply before.

I never wondered much about the kind of world that existed outside my cave.

I thought about my own question, knowing the morally correct answer that was expected of me... but I didn't want to give it on a whim—the easy solution of surface rightness. I wanted my answer to be genuine and authentic. Thought about, felt about, until the words emerged on their own.

After the princess has left my life, does it matter to me to know if she's alive or dead out there in the real world? Even though we'll never talk, never have any kind of interaction again—should I be bothered if she still breathes? Even though none of this will have any impact on anything?

Of course, I wanted her to be okay. Even if distant prayers or care meant nothing, something of the princess remained inside of me. It didn't matter if she stopped thinking about me the moment she stepped out into the world—I wanted nothing but good for her.

And that's what it came down to.

Even though it hurt to see her leave, I wanted the princess to do well in the outside world, for her to be okay, to make it, to acquire her every desire. Even when someone is gone, one still holds a piece of them inside for one reason or another. An element or aspect of that person.

I wanted to be the kind of dragon that wished her well, that prayed, even though I didn't believe in it, for her to become strong enough to walk her desired path. I didn't want to wish ill on her. Or contemplate the uselessness of caring about a person that was no longer here.

I'd rather ignore all that nonsense so that, whenever she did enter my mind, my first reaction was of care and good wishes. I wanted to be a better dragon in that right. Less greedy. I desired to keep the one good thing that had ever walked into my life—but not at the expense of selfishness.

Closing my eyes and inhaling deeply, I cleared my mind, heart, and soul of the aching weight set inside them all. I centred everything that was off inside of me, collecting it within my breath so that, when it came to letting go, I exhaled, carrying the negative energy out.

Everything calmed.

My head cleared and my heart drained of tar; my soul returned to its natural form. My eyes opened as I found myself again. Peaceful... and okay that the best of my life had reached its end. Maybe another adventure would find me, or perhaps I would be the one to find another journey.

If I ever stop being a lazy piece of shit.

"Looks like there are some things mediation can't clear." I chuckled, stretching out my wings... but I didn't take flight. The frills on the sides of my head flicked at a sound. They twitched, higher and higher, catching to a distant frequency. "The fuck? What is..."

I still hadn't learned my body. Its various abilities, functions, whatever else. Some things, thankfully, came passively. My frills—a dragon's equivalent to ears—caught the sound of a distant threat. They worked on their own, stopping me from flying.

The sound of vast wings, cutting through the wind, creating a spread of sound. Blowing wind, then a flap to slice through it, over and over, as it drew closer. My eyes blinked as it didn't make sense. Not the emergence of a new threat.

But why my ability suddenly kicked into action.

By the time I take off, whatever is in the air... it won't be a threat to me. So why am I sensing danger for the first time—especially when I'm not in any?

The answer clicked by itself.

The princess.

I launched my head upward with the rising of my neck, wincing as branches broke against my snout, my eyes smacked by the foliage. I'd broken through in an explosion of wood. Peering around from my open patch, my head whizzed around, though that distorted the flapping.

Don't panic. Slow the rhythm of your heartbeat. Lose yourself here, and you'll lose your chance of saving her. It's only in times of panic that we can practise control. Don't lose yourself. Keep to the rhythm of the action. Focus on nothing more than that which needs to be done.

The voice was right. I inhaled and exhaled, collecting myself, ignoring the buzzing beneath my scales, clearing the hazing of my mind. My heart still beat wildly, but I was powerless against that. All I could do was focus. Ignore everything else.

I let my frills do the seeing, following the frequency of the wings, letting it control my head. Soon it pointed me forward, a little to the east, and I looked up, narrowing my gaze. My vision zoomed in the cleared sky, a beast of gold grew larger as he flew closer.

Aw, fuck! It's THAT fucking dickhead. He's still supposed to be asleep. Why the fuck is he awake? Is he hunting for a midnight snack? Or did some commotion wake him up? Was it the chaos from the wedding? No way in HELL any of that reached him.

I shook my head as I froze.

What should I do? Fly and confront him? Ask why he is here as he finally decides to whoop my scaly ass? No way in hell I would do some dumb shit like that—not unless it was a distraction. The only reason to confront him was either to attack or distract.

Either way will end in a fight.

One way or another, it would turn into a fight, no doubt. No way in hell I stood a chance either. Logic pinned my claws to the ground, but cowardice taunted my heart. Maybe there was truth in me doing nothing. It was the thing that I did best—and perhaps he wasn't here for the princess.

Plausible. That woman is the best human you've met yet. She might be a novice—but only due to a lack of experience. If that dragon isn't aiming for her, then she'll know where and how to hide. It'll collect its feast and return home. And then all will be well with the world.

There we go. That was something. My head ducked with the rest of the trees, blending in with their leaves. If I went out there and tried being a hero, then the dragon would know that I was up to something. He might beat it out of me—that there's a princess on the loose.

I know dragons kidnapping princesses is cliche as fuck... but there is some legitimacy to it.

Okay, good, more reason to be a safe, cowering coward. I exhaled my dread and fear, feeling my claws shaking. They ground into the grass and dirt, and my talons stabbed into the earth, kneading the clump in need of something to squeeze.

Something to comfort me through my fears.

You're a coward. Coward coward. Given the strength and size of a dragon, but terrified to fight an equal. Is that your character? How was someone like you ever destined to be a dragon? Is your existence meant to be a joke? Punishment for what you did in the life before?

"Shut it," I said to myself, which somehow worked, though I feared the insanity I was entering. "Berate me after the princess is safe."

The princess or yourself?

"The princess."

Do you have any proof to prove your words?

The dragon in the sky grew into focus, holding up his great wings, slowing to a hover over the woods. Its great head searched across the treetops, not seeming to be peering at anything. Its snout sniffed and sniffed. Its mouth opened, chanting something.

Haven't you wondered more about these voices inside of your head? If we're from you—or remnants from the dragon's body you stole? Maybe your lack of character wasn't as much punished in your previous life. But here's a general rule in life—the more you become, the more you expect from yourself.

"Will you shut the fuck up already?" I whispered to the flicking head of the overhead dragon, whose curious eyes narrowed. Its mouth hung open, swallowing the air. "You're going to get me fucked, here. Can't we do this later?"

It's because it's only now that you can prove yourself. Do you think that, after cowardice, any amount of thinking will redeem you? That you'll plot the perfect action, the right response, once the event is through? Those who run away find a foe each time they face a mirror.

I huffed. "And how about the ones who get their shit kicked in?"

Those beaten are bathed in pain... but feel no inner turmoil. Even a dragon killed while defending his land dies peacefully—for they did something. Cowardly dragons live long—but with lives like theirs, they might as well not have lived at all.

"I'm not going to risk leading that dragon to the princess."

How will you know that she'll be okay? Whether that dragon goes for cattle or humans? If you don't oppose him now, he might swipe your princess. There's nothing you can do from a distance. Real dragons put themselves out there. They don't think. Don't care. They just go out and do... that which feels right.

I didn't leave my hiding. The dragon scanned the landscape with a final sniff—before his eyes caught a source. He grinned and, at that moment, something in my heart roared. It told me to go. To neglect everything else and fly.

I watched the dragon dive to the woods ahead, attracted to a singular source. Everything within told me to move. But I waited, unable to force my wings to fly, feeling empty in my stomach, hollow in my bones, nonexistent in my limbs.

But I kept still and watched, seeing the dragon collected into the wood, demolishing an area. Trees crunched and broke and flew away. The dragon settled over the expanse. Lifting its head to the air, it roared, a terrible vibration that clawed the inside of my ears. It then blew yellow fire, which twinkled above the forest, embers descending to the land.

And through the chaos, my frills acquired another sound, soft and nearly imperceptible, the heavy breathing of a woman. She'd been found by the dragon. He was still so far away. I lurked on the other side of the woods—not knowing what to do.

You are a coward, I heard the voice say, and it has killed the only person you ever cared for.