For five nights in a row, I sat underneath a tree, unable to fall asleep. The stars, which usually brought me comfort, seemed to taunt me.

It didn’t rain once, and the dark shadows of the branches hovered over me, like crooked, twisted arms. All of my sketches and designs of our fort were folded neatly in my hands, but not even doodling could keep the thoughts that nagged me day and night at bay. The nightmares that occurred on my head when I did manage to doze off made staying up seem much more logical. Pacing back and forth while checking to make sure those who were with us had plenty of food kept the circulation going through my sore legs.

The temptation alone to leave and look for my brother and father filled me with shame. But there was no way I could leave now. Adlai was gone, and I knew from the start that he was not going to Selva. For a moment, I thought about going to look for him, but I simply didn’t have the strength to. Hunting for food had taken a toll over my body; the most frustrating thing was that I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t.

My best friend needed me.

Yet, every day, my heart grew heavier with the burden of having to face the possibility that he and my family were dead, and that I was completely alone in this world. I remembered Benny’s face when I had forced him to leave without me. Many times the scenario ran through my head, and there could have been so many outcomes. Maybe if I had suggested him to wait for me, or if I had simply just left with him and forgot about those who were being loaded up in the back of the truck. I could almost feel the sensation of the rain pouring on my back and mud clinging to my clothes, with nothing but the screams of those being slaughtered.

I had not only failed my brother once, but twice. One night, I couldn’t hold back anymore. Tears sprung in my eyes as I buried my face in my hands. The warm glow of the nearby fireplace felt good against my skin, but I didn’t look up. A warm wind blew nearby, causing some leaves to brush my bare feet. His body was probably lying somewhere in a ditch, being ripped apart by dogs. And it was all my fault because I had been too stupid to make decent decision. Papa would never want to see me, and I would be forced to live in shame.

When I opened my eyes, the fireplace was weaker. To my surprise, Kia was sitting opposite from me, leaning her head against the tree trunk. I had not heard her come beside me and sit down. Her long, brown hair blew in the wind. As I started to move in order to up and walk away, her fingers reached over and held my hand. She did not make eye contact with me as she spoke, rather, she began to pull up a few blades of grass with her hand.

“What’s wrong?”

I sniffed and looked away. Kia hesitated before moving a little bit closer and cleared a few strands from her face. She sighed heavily before pausing for a moment and clearing her throat.

”If you don’t want to tell me, that’s alright. You do not have to. I was simply hoping, perhaps, that you may find it in you to...” It took her a while before she continued speaking. “To forgive me. And my husband. We had no right to treat you that way. I’m..I’m sorry.”

“It’s not that,” I wrote against her dirty palm. “That’s the least of my worries right now. I have not seen my family in ages, and more than anything, I want to look for them.”

Kia gave me a sympathetic look. “So why not leave?”

I wiped my runny nose with the back of my hand. “It’s not so easy. Adlai suggested for me to go back, but I didn’t want to, not in the state he was. I can’t imagine what they had done to him at the camp where I found him. Am I a terrible person for wanting to do such a thing so soon? I thought I could wait a couple more months before I would bid him farewell, but...he needs so much help. With all this.”

To my surprise, she pulled me into a warm hug. I stared out at the fort in the distance with my tear stained vision, ignoring the taste of salt water traveling down my tounge.

“The civilian’s not holding you back,” Kia replied quietly. “He’s not forcing you to do anything. You make the decision that’s best for you and just tell him. He should understand, as a matter of fact, I think he would. You need your family.”

”I don’t know where he is,” I wrote. “What if he is captured? It’s been almost a week since I’ve seen him. Friends aren’t supposed to just leave each other without saying anything, so I cannot leave while he’s away. I need to be here for him. I can’t just get up and go.”

She helped me to my feet and held both of my wrists. “You must do what is best for you. Either you wait for him to return and lessen the chance of you finding your loved ones, or you leave now and write him a note. Return, before your people shun you for being associated with a civilian in the first place. Look at what he’s done to your mind already. All this stress; it’s not necessary. Not at all.”

I studied her for a moment, her large eyes full of spite and determination. It was only then I realized that she never would truly respect my best friend, no matter what he did to help her. I wanted to yell at her and remind her of Hagar. With a swift motion I pulled one of my arms away from her.

Kia looked slightly taken aback.

“No,” I responded, spelling my words out slowly. “He’s been there for me; I’m going to be there for him. I’ll wait until he’s truly okay until I leave. My brother must be alive, surely.”

“You torture yourself with such lies, sweetheart. Don’t flatter yourself. Several times you mentioned that even after he tried to reassure you that he was okay, you still insisted you stay. I don’t know why you are doing this, really.”

Her words burned like hot coals. As I turned to walk away, she grabbed my shoulder with one hand and made me face her. I tried to shrug her off, but her grip only grew stronger.

“Please, just listen to me. Don’t take it to heart. I’m only trying to help you, love, since you remind me so much of my baby sister. I’m a little bit more experienced about these things than you are willing to give me credit for. I’m not saying to be disloyal to your civilian companion. No, not at all. But you may want to be more careful. You are treading on thin ice."

“What are you talking about?” I wrote.

An amused look spread across her face. “You were probably sheltered by your parents in your village. No doubt you have not been around many men your age, so of course you are going to act stupid around this one. I doubt your father barely mentioned them to you. Well, let me ease your mind. Every woman has to go through this once in a while. I would just hate to see you involved as well.”

I swallowed hard. “I do not understand.”

A light chuckle escaped from Kia’s lips, and she pushed back some of her hair. “Of course you do. You must be blind to not see it, the way this civilian acts, especially when he is around you as well. Or maybe you don’t want to. I've seen it before. You've never been intimate with a man before, haven't you? Your judgment is severely impaired. I will give you this one warning. Tread carefully and slowly.”

As she turned and walked away, I leaned against the tree trunk, trying to make sense of these words as the blood rushed to my face. Of course Adlai and I acted foolishly around each other. Being stupid together was a necessity. Even though I would have never admitted it to anyone, things had never been quite the same after we had finished the fort. Perhaps it was the fact that we had argued so much over unimportant things that made him not want to be around me anymore, which I understood. I could barely stand myself either.

But there was always a warm, tingling sensation that washed over me whenever I stood close to him; the way the light caught in his fiery red locks, how sunburned his acne covered face was, and his deep laughter when I told him a joke, causing toads to jump around in my stomach, when I found myself observing his now slender, muscular frame, especially when his shirt slightly lifted as he carried loads of firewood on his back. He had lost his chubby form; even the fat on his face had disappeared. It was how his large brown eyes seemed to sparkle with relief and excitement every time a new person looked for refuge in our fort.

I loved to see him smile, which was often rare.

Both Adlai and Toku went off alone more often, and I often wondered what things they were up to. I only got to see Adlai at night because there was simply too much to do during the day, which made stargazing with him something I looked forward to every evening. I had been so stressed lately and wanted to show him my new sketches, since I had used up all the papers in his books.

But while we could go on talking for hours before, our conversations seemed stiff and more awkward, and I wondered if it was because I had been acting like a total dunce lately. It was his way of deeply studying me when as I was squatting down on my knees to collect mushrooms and yucca root; my long skirts had slid upwards and bunched around my waist, revealing my bare legs and thighs. Once I turned my head to face him, he would quickly look away, face dark red.

Whenever I tried to carry anything at all he gently took the items from me without a single word by hoisting them over his broad shoulders; avoiding eye contact with me. As we shared an embrace he held me much longer; I could feel his lips softly brush near my ear, his heart thudding rapidly against his chest. Or maybe it was the fact that he was much more quiet than normal around me and often stumbled on his words when he did speak.

I would babble on and on with excitement about my drawings in an attempt to make him feel less nervous. Yet my own nerves were so flustered I didn’t know what to sign around him anymore, and I found it very difficult to do so; instead staring at the ground in a desperate attempt to make the butterflies stop.

I hated how Kia had ruined my night with these stupid thoughts. I tried to ignore them as I put out the campfire.

* * * * * * *

It was around noon when the gunshots began.

I was bandaging up Andrea’s leg as tightly as I could after cleaning it again the second time today. Her face was sunken in and hollow, her eyes squeezed shut. A tinted red color had settled upon her dirty skin. Several bullets began to whiz in the air, causing one of the little boys to cry. The elderly woman shrieked and ducked for cover, running into her hut, grabbing her two grandchildren by the hands. As I straightened up and ran outside, Toku jumped over the wall of the fort, his face as pale as a ghost.

“Soldiers,” he whispered. “They’re coming this way.”

Before I could sign anything, the sound of machine gun fire rang in the air, causing us to land in the dirt. We began to crawl on the ground, staying low. Through the entrance, on top of the hill, I could make out several figures, their weapons pointed at us. Clouds of dust rose in the air and holes formed in the earth surrounding us. There was so much screaming and chaos that for a moment, everything seemed to be in slow motion. Toku yelled something at me, his green eyes wide with fear as he grabbed my hand. I tried to struggle out of his grasp as everyone started breaking down the wall, creating a large gap in between thin the wooden logs that I had spent hours cutting down.

“Have you gone mad?” he cried. “Get out of here.”

“Where’s Hagar and Kia?”

“They’re in the woods!”

With one swift motion, he pushed me though the broken wall on the other side, causing me to fall in the bushes. Sweat dripped down my nose and face, and I could make out Toku’s heavy breathing as he grabbed my hand and started running. Our bare feet sank in the soft earth.The damp red mud cling to my legs and ankles, and flies bit at my exposed skin. Leaves and branches scratched my arms and legs as we moved forward, getting slapped in the face by spiderwebs and low hanging branches. The two families were climbing up in the trees, hoisting their loved ones up. Both boys were screaming and crying as their parents held them in their arms, trying to comfort and silence them.

A fork of lightning slashed across the sky.

More shouting came in the distance. Toku swung up one branch, grunting in pain. Behind the thick leaves, Kia was huddled with Hagar, who was mercifully fast asleep. Her eyes were so wide with fear they looked like saucers.

Something clicked in my mind.

Andrea.

Toku extended a pale arm towards me. “Grab my hand, I’ll help you up.” His face was as red as a tomato, and his green eyes kept darting back and forth when the footsteps of the soldiers grew louder and louder. My stomach dropped, and for a moment, I felt dizzy. How had no one noticed? How had I had left her alone there to be captured?

“Andrea’s missing,” I signed.

“What?!”

There was no time to explain. I took off in the bushes, my lungs burning; chest tightening. Toku was running after me and trying to grab at my arm, calling out to me, but I could barely hear him as I headed back to our fort, which was covered with bullet holes. It was smoking now, and the scent of burning wood filled my nose. I could make out her figure, passed out on the ground. The shots were less audible now, and I reached towards her with my left arm to drag her across through the hole.

She had such a pretty face underneath the scar, her long eyelashes closed over her swollen eyes. Her short hair stuck out in all directions. The chest rose and fell for a moment, and I wondered, in that moment, what it felt like to be in such peace. My fingers just managed to wrap around her wrist, which had a bracelet made of sea shells around her dirty skin that she had managed to smuggle past the guards in the labor camp. Perhaps her mother or siblings had given that for her last birthday, singing to her, holding her close. She carried their memories with them.

Toku screamed something at me.

A loud blast, so powerful it seemed to seemed to shake the whole world, threw me off my feet. The thick black cloud blocked my vision, where there was so much heat and rage. A dark red sea of blood splattered the wall, and a searing pain so intense took over my body that I would’ve given even every fiber in my body to just scream. Just once, to let it out, to let everything out.

Thunder began to rumble above us.

* * * * *

I couldn’t stop shaking. It hurt to even open my eyes, yet there were so many voices around me, and dirty hands pressing against my left arm, which made the pain even worse. I wanted to sign for them to stop. Kia couldn’t stop sobbing and was in hysterics. We were somewhere in the woods, sheltered by the rain. Our guests were crowded around us, and tears spilled down Toku’s face as he kept pressing against my arm, gritting my teeth. When he realized I was looking at him, he pulled me into a relieved hug, whispering and shivering. I couldn’t make out what he was saying.

“Where’s Andrea?” I began to sign, but only my right hand was in sight. I tried to move my left arm to do it properly. It didn’t work. And then I did something that I immediately regretted doing afterwards, almost instantly. Something that pieced my soul and shattered it into a million pieces.

My eyes wandered to where all the blood was coming from.

I had no left arm; barely even a shoulder. Where it had been was now a stump that was being blocked by extremely bloody rags and hands in an attempt to staunch the bleeding. My eyes widened, and before Kia could reach out to me, I started trying to scream again, but nothing but gurgles escaped from my dead throat.

“Look at me,” she cried, trying to turn my head away from the sight. “Don’t look at it, look at me. Look at me, baby. You’re going to be alright. Just look at me. Please.”

Her words did not help my cause. The rain around us began to fall harder. Water dripped from everyone’s hair and clothing, but nobody tried to take shelter. The pain was so intense I could barely think, and as I squirmed and tried to fight everyone who was pressing on where my arm used to be, she held me tight, rocking me back and forth. My blood had stained her dress and skin, but she didn’t seem to pay no mind. Hagar was sitting in the elderly woman’s arms, who passed me some water in a plastic container. Kia raised it to my lips and I gulped it down, the cold liquid spilling down my ripped yellow sweatshirt.

Feebly, with my right hand, I scribbled the words in her palm. “Where’s Andrea? Please, just tell me where she is. She needs help, not me. Where are the soldiers?”

She did not answer, just pressed a warm kiss on my forehead and continued to slowly rock me back and forth as a thousand other hands tried to stop more of my blood from spilling out onto the ground. I fought until I couldn’t no more.

* * * * *

Everything seemed like a blur as I slept, woke up crying and shivering, before someone would make me drink soup or cold water before I would pass out again. The rags surrounding the large, ugly stump were always wrung out, rinsed, and wrapped tightly again. I had dreams that made no sense, where I was surrounded by a void of emptiness.

And finally, one morning, when I sat up, I instinctively reached out to support myself with my left arm before realizing that there was nothing there. The voices around were faint and muffled, even though it was the early hours of the day. As I stumbled in the woods, I felt a little bit dizzy, so much so that I had to stop to regain control over my senses. Several of our guests were talking by our fort, which was still standing, miraculously. It smelled strongly of ashes, and the impact of the grenade had left a blackened, shorter wall. I shivered in the cool morning air, the pink, purple and blue sky looming overhead. Kia was dragging a burnt log across the dirt, her face covered in perspiration, as Hagar played in the grass nearby, giggling.

“Honda!”

I jumped at the sound of Toku’s voice. He was rushing towards me, covered in dirt and sweat, his hands extended out to me. Panic swept over his face as he reached over and adjusted the bandages on my stump. I winced in pain, and he quickly stopped what he was doing.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You shouldn’t be here. Go back and rest, alright? I’ll come in later to take care of the bandages, maybe bring you some food as well.”

I reached for his palm. “Where’s Andrea?”

His eyes were dark red, and he wiped at his face, trying to hide his tears from me. A heavy sense of dread sank over me, and I slowly slid down on the ground on my knees, my sobs racking my body. Toku knelt down beside me.

“I could have gotten her out,” I wrote. “If I had just grabbed her in time, this wouldn’t have happened. I can’t sign properly anymore, either. I left her to die. I left her.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” he replied, releasing a shaky breath. “None is this was. You were scared. We all were.”

I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t, so I tried to change the subject. “Do we have to move? There will be more soldiers coming, for sure. I don’t know where we would go. I think we should wait—“

“No.” His voice was more stern, collected. “No, we will stay right here. We’re not giving up. I’ve got an idea to prevent this from ever happening again. Rebuilding the fort won’t be an issue. I’ve actually wanted to discuss this with you before, but things got a little complicated.”

Had he gone in the head? “But the soldiers will come back. They’ll be more of them, hence leading deadlier attacks. They didn’t know about this before, but now they do. This area alone will make them suspicious. And then they will destroy...destroy all of us.”

Toku offered me his hand, and I accepted it as he helped me stand to my feet. We walked side by side for a moment, hearing Kia yell at one of our guests that they were placing one of the freshly cut logs wrong, waving her arms. The man grunted as he slathered mud over the cracks.

“I must tell you something,” he said. “Adlai is trying to get help for us. I’m not going to let you where he is because the last thing I need is for you to get more stressed out. You’ll need to trust me when I say that he’ll be back. I was thinking about designing an underground bunker. Somewhere hidden for our people to go to so that we could be prepared.”

I fought the urge to inquire about what city, but he was right. It would do no good to fret, even though I felt panic rise inside of me. That would take too long, and who knew when the soldiers were planning their next attack. How we had gotten away the first time was by nothing but sheer luck.

Toku handed me a water damaged, mud covered composition journal. “I found this in the dumpster. Almost none of the pages are used.” He gave me a sheepish grin. “I heard that you are a good artist. How about you give me a few concept sketches of our bunker? If you’re up to it.”

I took it from him, feeling the wet material on my fingers before tucking it in underneath my remaining arm. “But how will we dig in the ground? We don’t have enough tools.”

“You can leave that to me. I’ll take care of it. Let me get you something to eat; you must be starving.”

For a moment, I stared at Toku, wondering if he had been replaced by someone identical to him. He gave me a light pat on my arm and moved away. I settled down on the grass, holding down one of the pages with my bare foot before picking up the pen, to prevent the journal from slipping. My only hand shook and hovered over the page, and I sniffed loudly. With my fingers, I gently smoothed out the wrinkles.

I began to draw.