We awoke to find Kia in our camp.

The warm light from the sun peeked out from behind the tree branches; causing the fog to melt away from the pink and purple sky. Hagar’s eyes were swollen shut, trapped in a heavy slumber after consuming the last bite of mashed mango and yucca root, which was smeared across her face. There was no way for us to find any milk, but Kia didn’t seem to mind, as long as something was in her daughter’s stomach. She appeared to be severely underweight, and her cheeks were sunken in. The three of us stood there for a moment, our eyes heavy from being up all night but not really wanting lay down. A wave of anxiety washed over me when I glanced at the fort just down the hill from us.

I couldn’t tell what was worse; that my guests would come up and discover me here, or that Toku would jump out of nowhere and slit my throat for being near his wife.

Honda yawned and picked up the rusted axe, and without looking at Kia, disappeared into the woods. No doubt she was planning to look for some food; it was better than going to that mango tree.

I started to turn away when Kia spoke. “W-wait.”

My hands began to tingle as I smoothed the cramps out of my sweaty palms. She had gotten what she wanted from me, now she could leave before her husband noticed. Where was he, anyway? The heat began to grow worse as the sun rose higher in the sky, our shadows stretching out on the damp, tall grass. I heard her take a step closer, cradling Hagar a little bit closer.

“I...” The woman sighed and stared at the ground for a moment. “I want to say thank you. I know you’re probably surprised to see me here. Malcolm came down with a fever after you both left. He said it was nothing; went to sleep and never woke up. When Toku found out, he lost his mind..he just...”

A shiver ran down my spine.

She sniffed, wiping her nose, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks. “We ran out of food. There wasn’t a lot of game in these parts. I can’t remember the last time I’ve eaten. Days, perhaps. I couldn’t provide milk for my baby. I...we’ve been wandering around. For a while. And then my husband told me he saw you. With...with her.” Kia gave me a weak smile and gestured to where Honda had gone. “He couldn’t believe it.”

My throat went dry. “Is Toku okay with you being here? You should go back before he finds out. Honda and all of us, I mean, we’re leaving soon.”

But even after these words left my mouth, I knew how weak they were. We would have to abandon the fort and take the guests to a new location, where I would have to figure out another plan. And I didn’t have the energy to actually search for a better place; hopefully she would take the bait.

Kia’s face fell; but at that moment, I really didn’t know what else to tell her. What had happened was none of her fault, but I had to get away from her before something bad happened to all of us. The thought of several soldiers surrounding us and leading my guests in a trap was too much to handle. After adjusting my crutch, I started to move away. I didn’t look back at her.

“I’m so sorry,” she cried. “Please. I don’t know where he went; I don’t know. I don’t mean to cause trouble. He’s...he’s just...he’s just acting strange. He’s lost.”

Lost.

The word echoed in my mind for a moment and I stopped. Kia seemed to wait, listening for a response. I didn’t know what she wanted to hear.

“We have some mushrooms and a few yucca roots left,” I replied. “You can have those; I need to find more grub. I’ll try to see if Honda can try get some in the city for Hagar.”

Before she could say anything else, I left.

* * * * * * *

My guests had constructed a small mud hut, put together with bamboo and sticks. Everyday the basket full of food that I had managed to get that day was placed nearby by Honda, who greeted them each morning. There was one man and woman, the elderly woman, and her grandchildren, who often played out in the clearing. Sometimes, the aunt, I presumed, walked to the city by holding both of her nephews’ hands.

It was awful wrong of me to watch the family like I did from a nearby tree, but it was the way how they had the structure of their unfinished home out, like a skeleton, caught my attention; before they neatly mixed the mud in. The eldest child helped as well, breaking the bamboo sticks in half while his aunt carried heavy plastic containers of brown colored water they had gotten from the pump in Selva.

They all bore the scars on their faces, even the youngest, which made me feel sick to my stomach. There was so much space within the tall walls surrounding them, and I wondered if I should do a redesign in case bigger families came. Honda avoided Kia, although she made sure she shared the portions she hunted with her. I recalled how she had been kicked out; perhaps they had exchanged some harsh words. Hagar, on the other hand, started to cry less and less, now that she was getting stronger.

The mango and root concoction seemed to be the first real sweet thing she had ever tasted, and was crawling around, sometimes putting grass in her mouth. She usually gave me a toothless smile with the exception of one coming in her lower jaw, her round eyes studying me. Her mother, who stuck around, always held her close, although I wondered why she did not leave now that she was breastfeeding again. She had to be strong enough to find food for herself, for sure, since we had been providing for her.

And one night, I almost had a panic attack.

It had been a long day, and worst of all, there wasn’t a lot of food nearby, only a few nuts and berries, which I immediately made sure Honda gave to the guests. She had found a woman who had escaped from one of the camps passed out on the ground, with a giant cut on her leg. It was festering with maggots, and her body burned with the infection.

The sight made me want to gag, but we were carrying her nearby our tent, trying to clean it off the best we could. Perspiration glistened on her forehead and neck. My skin kept crawling as we kept pressing the cut with a hot poultice from the fire until puss and finally blood came out. It took Honda a while after throwing up in the grass to finally let me know what she needed.

“Water,” she signed. “Please, hurry.”

Grateful to leave the scene, I stumbled through the trees and reached for the bent, empty plastic soap container that we used for a jug, the logo of the company faded and worn out from the cracked sticker in the front. In the darkness, I could see a few torches lighting up my guests’ home from the mostly empty fort.

As I stepped out into the clearing I tripped over a log and fell, the container rolling from me on the grass. The crutch landed right by with a thud. Kia and Hagar was fast asleep on the ground by a small fireplace. When I looked up, my heart skipped a beat when I saw a shadow in front of me. My fingers dug into the warm soil.

Toku was sitting by the flames, his head buried in his hands. When his shocked green eyes met mine, a wave of panic washed over me as he slowly rose to his feet. He appeared older, much older than I remembered, with a shadow of whiskers forming on his face, his black hair having grown much longer. His body was littered with cuts and bruises, and he kept shivering, although he was right by the fire. I did not understand this; when had he arrived? Had he been here the whole time, watching everything I did?

“Are you okay?” he asked.

My leg was killing me, but I didn’t want to show it. Toku took a few more steps until he offered a hand, avoiding my gaze. His fingers were slightly shaking. I looked around, wondering where the soldiers that he had lead to us were, before grabbing my crutch, getting to my feet and pushing past him. Grass and soil clung to my torn jeans. A sharp pain ran through my side as I picked up the container and hobbled away in the dark, relieved to be out of his sight. For a moment, I half expected me to yell or insult me, so I waited for it.

There was nothing. He simply stood there.

* * * * *

As more people began to come in, food became more scarce as Honda and I began to ration for them. I was lucky to snag a piece of bread to hold me through. My jeans hung loosely around my waist, I had less energy to do anything throughout the day. The guests were always a priority, and even during those days when there wasn’t much to go around. In order to get away from there I spent a lot of mornings in the junkyard nearby the abandoned buildings in Selva, really early before anyone woke up. Bits of scraps and metal, and all sorts of items were piled up. It distracted me from my hunger, somewhat, but not a lot. Picking my way through the garbage for some food wasn’t helping, until something caught my eye in the dark.

A run down pickup truck sat to my left, parked right behind a stack of tires.The blue paint was old and peeling, and the front grill of the engine was missing. The closer I came, the more I realized that I hadn’t seen this before. As I pressed my hand against the dirty, shattered window to peek inside, to my surprise, nothing had been had been taken apart. Stuffing peeked out from the passenger seat. I yanked at the door, finding out that it was locked, to my dismay.

Who on earth would leave this behind?

The sense of someone watching me made me turn around, causing me to slightly jump. Toku was sitting on the ground, his legs crossed and his hands rested on his knees. I had no idea how he had followed me here.

Indignation rose inside of me, but I continued to ignore him as I grabbed a brick and slammed it against the window, causing it to shatter and pile up on the driver’s side. Carefully, I reached through the gap with my arm and fumbled with the lock with my fingers, before opening the door and sweeping off all the broken glass on the ground. Settling down on the seat, I wrapped my hands around the wheel.

The keys were nowhere to be in sight, and who knew how long it would take to find them in this place. My stomach rumbled beneath me as I placed my right foot on the brake. It reeked of gasoline and cigarettes in here, which was not a good combination.

“You hungry? I don’t like you digging in the trash.”

I ignored the voice, the sound of footsteps getting closer and closer to me. Why, out of all places in this city, did he decide to be here with me? If he didn’t intend to snitch or take our food, then what did he want? I fought the urge to slam the door in his face, but continued to stare straight ahead, seeing him approach me in my peripheral vision. In his hand he held a bright red apple, and although the temptation to snatch it out of his hand was great, I could not give in.

”Come on, you’ve been avoiding me all week. Can’t you at least say more than two sentences to me? Here. I got something that might taste a lot better.”

I didn’t reply.

Toku looked down for a moment, before heading over to the other side and sliding in the passenger seat, gently closing the door. Although it was too dark to see clearly, a sunrise was starting to come, which meant another extremely hot day was just around the corner. We sat there quietly. A fly landed on the cracked windshield, and I ran my fingers over the smooth steering wheel, wondering who the previous driver was and why they would abandon a nice vehicle like this.

“You can hot wire it, you know,” Toku quietly said, breaking the silence. He pointed at the ignition. “If you want, I can show you. I’ve done a lot of crazy things when I was a kid. I know a few things about cars. My pa would whoop me good once he found out my friends and I were stealing and driving around in them. Figured a thing or two behind the wheel.”

I didn’t say anything.

He swallowed hard and fumbled uncomfortably in his seat, before taking a deep breath.

“I...I know....I haven’t been the best towards you. I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to me; but I want to thank you for helping Hagar. It’s just that things have been so crazy so far...and when I saw you and Honda building together, I was impressed. She was the one who got you out of...of wherever they took you. I...I just...” Toku’s voice trailed off. “I’m sorry, for everything. For what I did to Honda, too; it was wrong of me. And for giving you such a hard time.”

Slowly, I turned to glance at him. His eyes were glazed over; they almost had a faraway look in them. Although there was no trace of deceit and malice, I had seen that look on many people’s faces. His didn’t look any different.

”I’m really sorry,” he started. “I—“

“I’m leaving,” I blurted out.

Guilt spread across his face.

With my left arm, I pushed open the door, letting the hot morning air seep inside. The creaking sound rang in my ears. My back hurt. I wanted to sleep, but it was impossible since my stomach was growling so badly. I couldn’t recall the last time I had eaten anything; and I wondered if Kia had felt like this all the time. Or Honda or Hagar. Or those who were dwelling in the camp.

He opened his mouth to say something, but hesitated.

”At least, temporarily. I need help,” I murmured. “Help with finding better protection for the people here. It hasn’t happened yet, but there’s always a chance of the Red Mamba discovering my fort here. I don’t have the necessary military experience to keep them safe, since I was only in the army for half a year before I dropped out. There are generals and soldiers who were defending their home when I attacked their land. I’m going to Portia; I have no choice. It’s the closest city nearby.”

Toku looked shocked. “When will you be back?”

“I don’t know.” As I slid out of the seat and slammed the door, a wave of anxiety rose over me. I hadn’t told Honda about my plan because I knew that it was too dangerous for her to come. When I had just reached the fence, I heard Toku run after me.

“W..wait a minute,” he said.

I glared at him. He gestured from me to the truck.

“How are you planning to get down there? You can’t walk, not with that messed up leg you have. Can’t...can’t we think this through? Portia is a nightmare right now, with all the massacres and shootings that are going on. And with your reputation, there’s no way that they won’t be able to recognize you. Maybe—“

“Oh, now you’re concerned, hmm?” I interrupted, coming a little bit closer. “I can figure out these things myself. Why are you being so nice to me? What do you really want? Maybe things would be easier if the Red Mamba hadn’t figured out where I was, especially in this area after your help. It’s not like you care, anyways. You’re just going to move on after you get what you want; why does it matter? I’m keeping my people safe, and if you want to destroy everything we have by bringing more soldiers over here, you have it coming. So what do you want, man?”

”I want to help you.”

“I highly doubt that.”

Toku flinched at every word I spoke. I knew I should’ve stopped then, but I couldn’t.

”I know that that we can’t go back and fix the past. But I…” He released a weak breath. “I’m really sorry.”

I’m sorry, too, I wanted to say. But I looked down.

”I don’t mean any harm,” he said. “I don’t. But would you listen to me? I really messed up. I won’t do that again, I promise.”

“I see it,” I said, ignoring how shaky my voice sounded. “I’ve seen how they treat your people at their own personal headquarters. It’s not just happening at the camp, it’s happening there too.”

“I know,” he replied, raising his hands in the air. “I know. I’ve been there. I...I promise, I’m not trying to put you down. I don’t mean any harm. Can I help you? I just...I want to make this a little bit easier for you. That’s all, I promise.”

It felt like something was rolling off my shoulders as I leaned against my crutch and stared at him. I definitely didn’t trust him, but I wondered if this was the same guy who I had fought with a few months ago. Toku came closer and handed me the apple. Unable to resist anymore, I took it from him. Greedily, I took a huge bite, the heavenly taste coating my tongue, juice running down my chin as I wolfed it down.

“Yank hoo,” I tried to say, chewing heavily.

He slightly chucked. With one arm, he pointed towards the truck, a hopeful look in his eyes.

“I’m going to try to turn it on. I’ll be back.”

* * * * * *

It took a couple of tries to bust the lock pins in the ignition, but with the success of an old screwdriver there was a faint sputtering noise before I could feel the steering wheel vibrate. The vehicle had a precious half tank of gas. Every morning we would meet up in the junkyard, and Toku would always bring me food. We didn’t speak much to each other. Whether it was roast pig that he had killed for his family the night before or a handful of berries, I consumed it all. During the day, Honda would bring more people in as I scoured the woods for enough food for them.

We now had twelve people, who appeared to be sickly and weak. Two families of seven and five had joined us, and I made sure to fill up several hand woven baskets that Kia made for us with as many roots, berries, and nuts as possible. I started to chop down more tree with the dull axe since I planned to rebuild the walls to my fort, leaving a heavy pile of small logs by the dilapidated tent. As the days passed, my anxiety increased when Kia had explained to me that she had seen a soldier a few miles away with a couple of other men. What little sleep I had gotten before dwindled as every night as I sat by a jug of water, ready to use it against anything that had a uniform.

Baldwin had begun his search.

Attempting to work a stick shift with a broken leg wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. The hardest part was trying to not get it to stall. Shifting gears was one thing, since I kept forgetting which was which, even after Toku reminded me. It was a nightmare distinguishing between the gas and brake, although I accidentally pressed too hard against what I thought was the clutch and ended up ramming the truck into the fence, knocking over a pile of junk. The momentum caused me to slip forward and slam my face against the dash. I struggled to sit up, dizziness clouding my senses.

Toku and I stared at each other for a moment, catching our breaths, before he started laughing quietly, trying to hide it from me by looking away. His face was as red as a tomato as he gave a loud snort. I fought the urge to grin as I shifted to reverse, turning the wheel the correct way this time as I backed up.

And that evening, we managed to catch another wild boar for everyone.

* * * * *

”…Hello? Hello!”

I blinked several times at the sight of Kia’s hand waving in my face. She had an annoyed look in her eyes as she hoisted the basket of twisted roots she held. I immediately rushed towards her as she handed them to me. Annoyed, she swatted away a fly with her hands on her hips.

”I’m talking to you! Are you deaf?” she retorted. “I’ve been yelling your name for the past five minutes. Where do I put these?”

“I’m sorry,” I stammered. “H-here you can just give them to me in the meantime.”

Kia raised an eyebrow. In the distance, Honda was furiously digging in the ground, pulling up a stubborn root. Her braid had started to become undone, and she was coated in mud from head to toe. A deep, overwhelming sensation fell over me when she paused to wipe at her sweaty neck with her sleeve. As I slowly turned away with the basket, Kia’s voice followed me.

“Like what you see, hmm?”

My face became dark red. “I—”

”Oh, save it.” She took a couple of steps towards me. “You don’t think I don’t notice? You must be delusional. You’ve been all googly eyed with her ever since Malcolm with us. I see the way you look at her. Every time I see you, you’re always staring at her like a starved man. I don’t see her doing the same with you, so you better knock it off right now and pull yourself together. We’ve already got plenty to worry about as it is.”

“She is a very good friend of mine,” I replied, unable make eye contact with. “That’s all there is.”

Kia scoffed. “There’s no real point in lying. Please, that’s what all of them say. You let that girl be. We Khonie don’t want anything to do with the nature of civilian men. You have done much, but someone else is good for her.” There was a deep pause. “But not you. I don’t want you pushing yourself on her. You leave her alone. For her sake.”

Her words cut deeper than a knife. When Toku approached her with Hagar, who was laughing in her father’s arms, she eagerly reached for her child. I immediately moved away through the trees before Toku could suggest us taking the truck out for another practice spun one last time in the junkyard.

Slowly, my encounters with Honda became less and less. While she was often busy working in the fort, I put myself to use to get my mind off the way she smiled and laughed with Toku, even Kia, who she had stopped avoiding. I tried not to look at her. I hunted, planted, even harvested a few crops before they were eaten by a few hungry rabbits. But nothing worked, and even when when I did talk to Honda I found myself quite flustered, my breathe caught away at her presence. At night, I was more vulnerable than ever, I would wake up in my sheets and clothes soaking wet as if I had jumped straight into the river; vivid dreams of Honda’s slippery bare skin against mine in a vast field of dragon lilies, our bare hips and legs locked together, for her warm hands to slide down my back, to hear her soft breaths as I whispered promises in her ear. I desperately wanted to run my hands through her hair, to give her everything I had within me.

Unable to sleep the rest of the night I found myself pacing back and forth in the woods in the dark, wondering why these sensations were coming up upon me all at once. I tried to fight them, but I was sinking deeper and deeper until I could not get out. And once everyone woke up in the morning, I had already left for the day.

* * * * * *

The evening air was cool and crisp as I packed up what little food and a map I had saved for myself and stuffed it into my pocket. I had just stepped out of the woods when I saw Honda trudging up the hill, placing a heavy jug of water in the grass. I found myself gazing at her for a little bit too long and began to make my way over to her, trying to ignore the electricity coursing through my body. As she set it on the ground, she looked up at me and gave me a small smile. I returned it, went over to her and hoisted it over my shoulder, feeling its cool temperature against my skin.

“Thank you,” she signed as I walked past her to our tent. “My arms are killing me.”

“I think you should rest,” I signed back. “Aren’t you tired? You’ve been out and about all week. I don’t think you should go out and look for any more new people tomorrow. Not yet, at least.”

Honda stared at me for a moment. “You are going away? I haven’t seen you in days.”

”I’ve been really busy,” I softly said.

A disappointed look fell on her face. “I see.”

My heart skipped a beat. How had she known? Unless Toku told her, which I doubted, since he wasn’t here that much in the daytime when she was around. Slowly, I set the water down, causing some to splash on my shoes. I hadn’t meant to hide it this long. She took several steps towards me.

”It’ll be okay, alright?” I whispered.

”Don’t be concerned,” Honda signed. “I just see that you have food with you. I do hope you’ll be careful.”

I slowly nodded, relieved that she assumed I was out looking for more supplies. Worry was the last thing she needed. “I’ll be back. Do you think you can handle being here by yourself with the fort? I’m not sure that it would be a good idea to take in too many people yet, since there isn’t enough food to go around.” I paused. “Although, I think we do need to get it as soon as possible, maybe try the city. What do you think?”

“Yes,” Honda replied, trying to move her dirty curls out of her face, but they kept falling, although her hair was braided and firmly tied under a ragged scarf. I longed to see it out. Blood suddenly rushed to my face, I fought the urge to tuck them behind her ear. “I'll be fine here. Kia’s actually quite good at hunting; we found squirrels yesterday. Some guests are sick and are on bedrest. Do you remember Andrea? The girl with the injured leg? Her fever’s broken, although she’s quite weak. I think she needs the most food right now. She’s been coughing.”

I found that I was barely listening; noticing how she had healthily gained a bit of weight due to everyone finally being able to eat again. Color was in her cheeks. While still very thin, an hourglass figure had begun to show. Her thighs were strong. The ragged ankle length dress she wore, which blew in the wind hugged her soft, lovely curves; the outline of her small breasts. It took everything inside me to fight to keep my hands away from her waist, to hold her against me. To run my fingers across her warm skin and face.

Our faces were quite close to each other, and I wondered if her heart was beating as fast as mine. My nose was only an inch from hers, and I slowly leaned a bit forward. To my surprise, she did not pull away; smelling like sweat and grass. Her large eyes studied me, and for a moment, we remained still. My breaths was slow and quiet as I gazed upon her full lips, before letting my eyes wander down towards her delicate collarbones, which were like a work of art in itself. I could feel that I was losing control over myself; desperate to feel her body against my own. Something warm surged inside of me, made me want to come even closer; to place my hands on her and explore single inch of her freckled brown skin with my fingertips. I wanted to protect her from the world. I wanted to keep her safe in my arms.

And suddenly she turned her head, distracted by the crackling sound of wood in the fireplace, raising her palms to sign once more. I was glad it was dark so she could not see my reddening, burning face as I looked down, not knowing what to do with myself.

“I’ll look for ginger root for her.”

“Huh?” I stupidly asked.

“Ginger. I’m going to find some.”

“Uh…uh….” I struggled to move my fingers properly as I signaled the words. My palms were clammy. “Yes! Yes. That’s a good idea.”

”Should I come? I can help.”

”No, no, no...I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” I gave her a small smile, although I was breaking apart. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

Honda grinned before pulling me into a long hug. “I will take good care of everything. I promise. I’ll do my best.”

Before I could say anything else, she had already disappeared into the trees, running. I stared after her for a long time, the imprint of her arms against my skin. Trying to ignore the strong burning sensation in my face, I stumbled down the hill, making my cheeks through the grass to enter the worn city streets, which were empty this time of night. As I pulled my sweatshirt hood over my head and entered the junkyard, I began to feel for the map in my pocket. The truck, to my relief, had not been stolen. By the time I slipped in the driver’s seat and turned on the ignition, my hands were shaking, my heart pounding. When I dropped the map twice because of my slippery fingers I had to lean back against the seat and close my eyes, waiting for the fluttering feeling to go away.

What’s wrong with me?

My heart would not stop pounding. I slowly took a deep breath and shifted into first gear, pressing hard on the clutch as I began to accelerate. A wave of adrenaline rushed through me. Clouds of dust flew above as I took off down the road, the cool night air feeling good against my hair and skin.