The moon was too big.

It looked like a bright white blob of paint had stained the dark midnight sky, and I despised it. The further I kept walking in the dark, the colder it grew around me. With both hands, I swung myself up high into the branches of the tree, causing a few to bend down due to my weight. The higher I climbed, the further the ice traveled up and followed me. I didn’t want to look at the large spikes that loomed from mostly empty edge of the warm swamp, where all the lily pads and plants were laying down on the soft earth below.

I pulled my hood over my head.

In the distance, I could make out the scent of a campfire. No doubt my guests had one going and were cooking food. The blood was starting to dry on my face, but I didn’t wipe it off. My hands were covered in mud and grass, and I rubbed my palms together, causing it to smear. No matter how many times I tried to shut out what had happened, it repeated over and over in my head. Toku’s voice was like a bell that wouldn’t stop ringing.

What do you think you’re doing? You’re trying to wear us all out. You need to leave this to me, alright? Civilians don’t know much about the woods or being out doors as we do. You should probably just leave us alone. Nobody needs you here.

I pulled instinctively at my ear, recoiling at the sensation of my fist hitting him square in the jaw.

Nobody needs you here.

First was the look of betrayal and surprise in his eyes, and before I knew it there were others trying to pull me off him. A pang of guilt overwhelmed me. How was I supposed to show people I was harmless when my anger always got the best of me? I had the patience of a rabbit and the temper of a demon. They would never be able to trust me if I continued to act this way.

The heavy rustling of leaves made me jump. A dark figure, small and frail in the light, struggled to reach my level. I couldn’t help but smile as I saw Honda’s relieved face peering at me through the branches. With one warm hand, I pulled her up. She sat down on the same branch I was on, breathing hard. In her hand was some yucca root, which she broke off and handed to me. Slowly, I took a bite, my stomach welcoming the food.

“It’s quite a workout, isn’t it?” I asked.

”I’m no good at climbing,” she signed. “We were all worried about you. Kia had the baby. It’s a girl, won’t you like to see her? I never knew how tiny a human being’s hand could be. She looks exactly like her mama.”

A chill ran down my spine.

He’s a father now.

“That’s amazing,” I slowly signed. “I’m really happy that the baby arrived safely.”

Honda gave me a shy grin, which made the ache in my chest worse.

To change the subject, I reached in my backpack and pulled out one of the most valuable things that I had found from King’s belongings. Fortunately, the distraction worked well for her as she stared at the intersection of lines and coordinates. With one hand, she signed something, but I didn’t understand, so she had to write it out for me.

“What’s that?”

”It’s a map. You see these dots here? Those are cities. I don’t know how far away we’re from Navu, but Selva is...” I ran my dirty fingernail across the page. “Around fifty to seventy miles away, give or or take. Which means, judging by our location, we should be going in the right direction.”

“I know,” Honda replied. “Toku isn’t the best at reading, but he’s alright at traveling. Better than me. He uses the sun to figure out which way is west, and draws in the ground to let us know which way for us to go. I don’t know how to explain it.” Her eyes were full of concern. “You’re still bleeding.”

“What?” I shook my head, slowly signing the words. “Oh no, this is dry. I need to wash it off.”

”He shouldn’t have hit you. He tried to tell me that he didn’t start anything, but I knew he was lying.”

”Actually,” I took a shaky breath. “I was the one who started it. It’s impossible to not retaliate when someone is attacking you. It’s my fault.” A heavy sigh escaped from my mouth as I buried my head in my hands. “Now he hates me even more, and I deserve it.”

Honda’s eyes widened in surprise. “What?”

”Yeah. I...I didn’t mean to, just lost control.”

“Why did you do it?”

I didn’t answer, even though she looked like she desperately wanted to know. Slowly, we began to climb down the tree until we reached the ground. She still had a questioning look in her eyes.

”Honda,” I whispered.

”What happened?”

Slowly, I reached for both of her hands, my warm fingers intertwining with hers. I couldn’t look her in the face, so I decided to stare at the ground.

”I want you to know I’ll never hurt you or anyone in our group alright? Don’t be afraid of making me angry, or don’t think that I would do something like this to you if we were to argue. Please..please don’t think of me that way. Please...” I struggled to continue signing. “Please don’t think you have to walk on eggshells to avoid making me upset me all the time. I’ll never do something like this again. I...I don’t want you to think that I’m...I’m an angry person.”

I pulled her into a warm hug, resting my chin on top of her curls. She smelled like pine trees and sweat and dirt as she slowly returned the embrace. Before she could say anything, I walked off, my heart thudding against my chest.

* * * * *

When the sun started to peek out from the horizon of the sky, it was so quiet the only sound were the faint chirping of birds. Deer lingered around in the corner in small herds, and to my relief, the ice had melted.

Hopefully nobody said a thing or noticed it, since it had been late when I had lost control. Bright beads of water dripped from the surrounding plants and trees as I made my way through the swamp, clearing my way through the lily pads with a muddy, worn stick. My heart skipped a beat when I saw a figure bent over, drinking large sips of it through the green algae, the thick substance escaping through their fingers. They looked up at the sound of water rushing past me when I came closer.

In the dim light, Toku slowly straightened up, wiping his chin with one hand. His top lip was swollen so badly he winced in pain every time he moved his mouth. Not too far away, everyone else was sleeping on the ground. Kia was holding some sort of tiny bundle in her arms, but I couldn’t see it clearly.

We stared at each other until I broke the silence.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

Without a word, he turned around and left, disappearing in between the dark trees. It felt like most the energy had been sucked out of me, and all that I had been planning to say to him went out the window. I wanted to yell for him to come back, for us to reintroduce ourselves again. For us to maybe be friends. But the pain and anger in his eyes stopped me, and my dull, empty words could never fix a thing.

* * * * *

Kia named the baby Hagar.

Malcolm and Honda loved it, but Toku thought it was the ugliest thing he’d ever heard. Every day for the next several weeks was long and tough, and the heat was so bad that even when I peeled off my sweatshirt and tied it around my waist, I felt like I was going to pass out. Dozens of soldiers scouted the area, and the civilans that we did run into simply passed us by with a side glance, especially when they noticed I was walking at the very front.

It wasn’t until the scent of salt water met my nose did a wave of nostalgia and excitement wash over me. The dark blue horizon in the distance, along with the white waves crashing against the cliffs felt so strange to me. Honda was so thrilled that she wanted us to sleep less and travel more so we could get to the beach on time.

We were still about forty miles away, nonetheless.

On cold, rainy days, we lapped up the fresh water greedily from the puddles that formed in the earth around us. I made sure to hand out the worn plastic bottles to everyone in the group so they could let them collect overnight, while we slept in deep ditches to hide from soldiers patrolling the area. Malcolm had a limp, which of course, he refused to let anyone attend to. Honda had a ragged cough, Hagar wouldn’t stop screaming because of the heat, and Kia kept snapping at everyone. My legs were killing me.

Toku didn’t say a word.

He had barely spoken, only occasionally when the others attempted to communicate to him. Whenever we stopped to rest for the night, he would sit by the fire long after everyone had gone to sleep, sharpening the blade of his knife against a rock. The glow of the flames in his unblinking eyes made me feel worse. He kept Hagar far away from me.

So each evening, I waited outside of his own makeshift shelter so that I could just talk to him. Sometimes I would stay there all night, but he would pass by me without a glance once he stepped out in the morning. For weeks, I kept it up, but he simply refused to look at me.

Five times, I found the contents of my backpack thrown around in the mud, and I had to usually snack on berries and nuts while he brought back a small pig and shared it with everyone, but me. Some items were still missing, including my gun, and even my water bottle was stolen. Honda always tried to give me her piece, but I refused. She needed her strength; I could always find food on my own.

On rainy, cold days, I slept underneath a tree because the shelter I tried to make was smashed into a pulp. Toku would carry on after ruining all my work like nothing had happened, even being in a better mood. Even though those things were done in secret, I tried my best to keep my cool. I didn’t tell Honda about them because I didn’t want to drag her into this mess. But every night, that sharpening of his knife brought shivers down my spine. I wasn’t comfortable sleeping in the camp area for fear he would slit my throat.

Neither did Honda, who always wanted to go stargazing with me. We would race through the bushes and hang upside down from the tree branches at night, trying to see who could get the best view until we were both red in the face.

Even in the pouring rain, while it was thundering, I would scoop her up and carry her on my back, since she was so light, running down several hills with her clinging onto dear life. The steeper they were; the better. Water soaked my jeans and sloshed around my bare feet. Her long brown legs would dangle by my sides as she threw her head back, laughing, catching as many drops of water as possible with her mouth. Her arms were spread out in the air; her hair plastered over her forehead as she had the widest smile on her face.

Rainy nights were better, because we had the best mud fights, and everyone was asleep, so we could finally act like assholes. Sliding and rolling down each hill was amazing, and we were laughing so hard that we forgot how wet and shivering we were, especially after a hot day. I often kicked off my torn, worn out boots as we sprinted through the trees, the mud feeling amazing against my heels. I told her that the first thing I would do once we reached the beach was run with her into the waves. She would grin and dump a bunch of mud all over me as revenge for me throwing a clod at her.

Then we would jump in the swamp at the same time to wash off, before splashing each other, trying to keep our snickers under control so we wouldn’t wake anyone. It was one late night after we climbed out, completely drenched, did we lay down on the grass beside each other. My sleeves were so weighed down they covered my hands completely. Her damp head rested on my shoulder. I knew that traveling would be awful for me tomorrow since it was nearly morning, but I didn’t care. Honda was wheezing because I was spitting out moss and other stuff out my mouth.

“How many stars do you think are in the sky?” she signed. “There must be hundreds, no, thousands.”

”More than you can count.”

“I miss my family,” Honda wrote. “Don’t you?”

Her words suddenly caught me off guard. Slowly, I raised myself sideways and gently placed a hand on her arm. Her gray eyes were mixed with joy and anxiety as she turned to look up at me.

“Of course,” I said. “But don’t worry. After we drop everyone off at Selva, we can go back to Navu and look for them. You said your brother and father were sent at the security ward there, correct?”

“Benny was,” she signed. “I haven’t seen Papa since the invasion. I don’t know if he’s alive or not.” She also sat up and eagerly grabbed my hand. “You would do that? For me?”

“Definitely. But I need to find my mother, too.”

“I’ll help you. We can both look together.”

I gave her a small smile, but something caught the corner of my eye in the distance. Toku’s shadow lingered in the trees in front of us. He leaned sideways against one of the trunks, the darkness concealing his face. The knife was nowhere in sight, and he had one hand rested on the wood, as if he was trying to listen to every word I was saying. The look on his face was not guilt, or sadness, or even shock.

It was rage.

* * * * *

The sun was setting by the time we crossed another area of swampy land. The waist length plants were tough and hard to get through, and by the time our feet reached dry land, it was already dark. Malcolm left to find firewood, Honda started to hack down bamboo, and Toku pulled out his knife and began to sharpen it for his next hunt.

I stood there, shivering somehow because I was cold from being wet. The fire looked nice and comforting, but I knew that Toku wouldn’t allow me to sit near it. Malcolm had tried to sneak some to me before, and he got to experience what Toku was like when he was not happy.

Well, when he was more unhappy.

Kia continued to breastfeed Hagar, but even she looked done with her husband’s antics. Everyone was nervous around him, and he was not only snapping at Malcolm, but her and Honda as well. I didn’t recall seeing him hold his daughter once, who was starting to crawl around and explore the world. On a very rare moment, when he wasn’t around, Kia allowed me to hold the baby, who immediately had taken a great liking to me. She had her father’s black hair, but the round chin and flat nose all belonged to her mother. When her tiny hand grasped my pinkie, it was impossible not to get attached.

A gunshot rang in the air.

We stopped what we were doing immediately and ducked for cover. Around ten soldiers were yelling, making their way across the swamp towards us. Kia screamed, and Malcolm grabbed her arm and dragged her back, causing Hagar to cry. Toku’s eyes widened at the sight in front of us. I slowly stood up.

In the distance, the Red Mamba flag blew in the wind. The shots kept going, splashing in a neat row in the swamp water around us. My heart sank.

“Go!” Toku yelled. His face was pale with fright.

A warm hand grabbed at my wrist. Honda was yanking at me to come with her. Everyone took off in the trees, sprinting up one of the hills behind us. I stared at her as she kept signing furiously. The men would come and rip them to shreds, limb by limb, before parading them in the streets.

“What are you waiting for?” she wrote.

”Run,” I signed, feeling my eyes get moist.

Honda shook her head. “Not without you.”

Another shot rang out, and we dropped down to the ground, clouds of dust starting to form around us. Toku started to run back down the hill and dove behind a bush. This was the last time someone would ever trust me or laugh or joke with me again, but it had been worth it. All of it had. And I would never forget it.

“Come on,” he screamed. “Are you crazy?”

I stared at Honda, ignoring the hot tears traveling down my face. “Do you remember what I told you? What my promise was? I said I would never hurt you. You have to believe me, okay?”

The look of confusion and bewilderment on her face was disturbing, and she tightly squeezed my hand. Toku began to creep closer, grunting in pain as a bullet grazed his arm. Honda kept trying to pull me away, still trying to sign at me. I took a deep breath.

“We need to go!” Toku cried. “The hell are you doing?”

Gently with my fingers, I caressed her scarred cheek, pushing a strand of hair out of her face and giving her a weak smile. It was impossible to see her clearly now since there was so much water coming down my vision. She would despise me soon. The men were halfway across the swamp now, their voices growing louder and louder.

“Thank you for being my friend,” I whispered, ignoring the lump in my throat before slowly dropping my hand. “Thank you for being with me this whole time. You’re going to be okay.”

Honda’s eyes widened as I crawled forward and held both arms towards the water, letting my fingertips brush the surface. At the very far edge of the swamp, hundreds of soldiers were shooting. I knew there was no way I could hold them back. But maybe I could buy everyone enough time to flee.

“Honda,” Toku called, clutching his arm. “Honda!”

She barely heard him; her gray eyes focusing on me. Slowly, her hand let go of my arm as she saw the surface of the water surrounding us beginning to morph and shift. A pain shot through my skull as I took a deep breath. When the huge, transparent wave started to rise, I got to my feet, feeling its shadow overpower me.

”Run.”

In the corner of my eye, my only friend slowly began to back away, a frightened look forming on her face. The salt tears tasted good against my tounge. I did not have the strength to make eye contact with her as I directed the wave forward, the crackling sound of ice filling my stomach with dread. Mist sprayed into my face and dripped from my hair. Honda tripped and fell on the ground as the shouts of soldiers filled my ears. Ignoring the throbbing in my head, I began to step in the swamp as I shot another blast, getting four men in a large ice mass.

The bullets began to stop.

“Honda, run. It’s him, it’s HIM. Get back, get away from him. Run. Run for your life, get out of there. Get back, get back.”

Honda stared at me. Her whole body was shaking in fear when I turned to face her. For a moment, she hesitated as her eyes scanned me up and down, the realization slowly consuming her. It destroyed me inside.

“Thank you,” I signed faintly.

A tear slid down her face.

”Honda!”

When I heard Toku snatch her arm and drag her along off into the woods, I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. Instead, I stepped further into the lime colored liquid surrounding me. A grunt escaped from my lips as I dragged one soldier who was coming at me with a stream of water and flung him hard on the dry patch of land nearby, hearing the satisfying snap of his neck. There were many gun barrels pointed at me from all directions.

Behind me, it was silent. My breaths were unstable, and I slowly lowered my arms and fell to my knees, feeling the warm water floating in the air around me splash all over my filthy sweatshirt and jeans. My reflection in the waves was distorted, and I had no energy left.

“Private Mouse, you are under arrest. Either you surrender, or we shoot.” The voice came from a general who was speaking in some sort of device. “Do not run. Stay where you are.”

Somehow, I knew that they wouldn’t kill me.

I held my hands up, closing my eyes.