Night quickly became my favorite time of the day in Portia. In Jova it was hell; here it was glorious.

Everyone was a lot less suspicious at this time. Life became smoother when people stopped paying so much attention to each other. There was always the exception of night life, which wasn’t happening too much around here. We pitched our own tents right around the city walls, so nobody could enter or leave without our permission. Sometimes the guys would play a few games of cards or cook a rabbit they had caught over a smoldering fireplace, but rest was a precious commodity. When it was silent and the sound of heavy snoring rose from the tents around me, I had never felt more energized.

I didn’t need sleep.

After cleaning my rifle and slipping on my boots, I tied my face with a black bandana, which covered my nose and mouth. I slipped my dagger in my left pocket and made sure to secure my water canteen around my waist. After stepping away from our camp, I dipped my index and middle finger in the ashes of the remaining fires one of the soldiers had cooked his evening meal over. As I smeared two lines underneath my eyes, I ignored the fleeting pain in my chest.

Love you, Mom.

* * * * * *

It took me a week of scouring the entire city at night, using the map I had before just to catch a glimpse of the monster. It didn’t matter that I fell behind my duties during the day and got yelled at since I could hardly keep my eyes open. Coffee kept me going, for the most part, and my migraines were slowly improving over time. The officers who were supposed to be keeping watch always fell asleep, so it was no trouble getting out of their sight.

One rainy Saturday evening, I spotted my target.

The street was covered in rubble and several abandoned cars that had been riddled with bullet holes. There were a few Portians talking to each other on the steps of the worn down apartments on the side of the road. Not too far in the distance, a torn Red Mamba flag blew in the wind. I couldn’t stop shivering, but I didn’t want to turn back now, since I hadn’t explored this side of town yet.

I had seen so many faces, young and old. Not a lot of people with blonde hair, apparently. They appeared to shrink in my presence and quickly made room for me on the street. The scent of cigarettes and gasoline tickled my nose as I began to follow a figure hunched over, stumbling in the rain. He carried a package tucked underneath his arm, and paused from time to time to cough.

We continued to walk down the sidewalk until we reached an abandoned junkyard, right behind some of the apartments. My fingers wrapped around my gun, and the sound of our shoes squelching in the mud seemed to fall in sync. I could tell he was getting nervous, and when he turned around and stared at me, I hesitated for a moment.

Rufus’ eyes and nose were red and puffy, and he wouldn’t stop sneezing, reaching into his pocket to pull out a handkerchief. He appeared to be in a daze. The package was dripping wet, and he pushed back a few strands of hair with one hand.

“Who are you?”

I kept studying him, amazed at how his voice seemed to sound the same after all this time. I wonder if he even got the hint of what he was going to get from me. The plaid pajama bottoms he wore were streaked with mud. His blue eyes darted from me, to the gun I aimed at him, then back at me again. With a startled look on his face, he quickly held his hands up.

“Easy, easy.”

I clenched my lower jaw.

“W..wait a minute, now! Can you please tell me what I’ve done? I haven’t stolen anything, I swear. I’m not hiding any Khonie, just passing on my way home. You can search my place if you would like. I’ve been sick; I just came from the pharmacy.”

You’ve stolen more from me than you could’ve imagined. If I don’t get to have a family or a home anymore, neither do you.

I took one step forward, hearing the satisfying click echo in my ears, the barrel of my gun pointed at him. The package fell as the blast glowed in front of my eyes. He landed on the ground and clutched his thigh, grunting hard.

“No, no, no, please! I’m not hiding any—“

My finger pulled the trigger again, and a weak cry escaped from his mouth as he curled up into a ball, before dragging himself on the stomach across the wet pavement behind one of the trashcans. A dark red path of blood trailed behind him as I kicked aside one of them with my foot, threw down the rifle, and began swinging, my fists colliding with his face. His nose was busted and began to bleed.

“Please, please, please, sir!”

I could barely hear his voice. Rufus kept grabbing at my hands, trying to dodge my blows. Tears streamed down his face, and he began to cough up blood.

“I’m telling you the truth, I don’t have anybody!”

Neither do I.

I wanted to scream at him, but my throat was clogged. After digging my knee into his chest, I pulled out the knife, the blade gleaming in the dim street light. The handle was slippery with my perspiration, and he struggled to break free from my grasp as I started to plunge it into his neck. Rufus held onto both of my arms, his eyes squeezed shut, the tip causing more red drops to run down the side of his skin as I got out a large chunk of flesh. He grunted and gritted his teeth. His blood splattered on my face and hands as I prepared to send him where he belonged.

“Daddy?”

Everything seemed to stop, and I stayed there for a moment, breathing heavily, my arms burning from having them up in the air the whole time. He kept on sobbing, his tears mixing in with the raindrops on his cheeks. It was hard to see through my hair. I slowly turned my head to the right where the female voice had come from. One of the back doors of the apartment were open, a patch of light escaping from the inside. The only sound in the air was of the pouring rain and Rufus’ stifled crying.

A little blond girl, appearing no older than seven years old, stood in an old shirt and pajama pants with stars printed on them. She was rubbing her left eye, and clutching a worn bear. Her pink slippers were soon soaked and muddied as she left the stairs and cautiously took a few steps towards her father. As her large blue eyes studied me, I wanted to hide.

”D...Daddy?”

The knife slipped out of my hand and clattered to the ground as I quickly scrambled to my feet.

“Mary, stay back,” Rufus said. “Don’t come any closer.”

“Daddy!”

“Go back inside, baby girl, and get your mother to help me. I’ll be okay.”

She shook her head, beginning to whimper.

Rufus was wheezing at this point, and struggled to sit up. He touched the deep gash on the side of his neck before quickly motioning the child away. Two heavy dark red spots appeared from his ribs and his leg. His hands awkwardly grabbed the blade and pointed at it at me.

“Please,” he said. “Please, don’t take a step closer. I will use this, I swear.”

I just stared at him, the hot haze that had overpowered me moments earlier slowly evaporating. The little girl ran into his arms despite his warnings, and he hugged her tightly. Her face was scrunched up and red as she noticed how badly he was bleeding, and she kept peering at me, a look of pure fear in her eyes.

“You can search my home,” Rufus sobbed. “Just don’t hurt my daughter or my wife. I’m begging you, sir. I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know where they are.”

It suddenly felt very hot in here, making it hard for me to breathe. The little girl’s face was streaked with tears as she tried to stop the blood flow with her tiny hands. Her screams filled my ears. Rufus slowly got up to his feet, grunting and leaning against the cracked brick wall for support as he stepped on his bad leg. He managed to scoop his daughter up in his arms and hobbled to the door of his home, looking back at me from time to time before shutting it quietly.

The child’s teddy bear sat in a puddle of muddy water. I could see my reflection in the brown button eyes, the threads loose and barely hanging on because they had been pulled out so many times.

One day, my eight year old self whispered, we are going to be friends. You can visit our house in Nivea. Our meatloaf isn’t the best, but we have the best view of the beach. You and your family can come.

I took off running down the street.

* * * * * *

When the sun rose the next morning, I couldn’t stop shivering. Dried blood clung to my fingernails and skin, and I tried to scrub it out of my uniform jacket. Not even when the morning whistle blew I didn’t bother to get up from my pallet. I had never felt so cold and hot at the same time, and when the generals found me they sent me right to a hospital area not too far from camp. The nurses there tried to make me eat and drink, but I couldn’t taste a thing.

And whenever I tried to close my eyes, all I could see was that little girl’s face and the look she had given me. I had permanently traumatized a child for life, and I knew that I was going straight to hell for it. I wasn’t sure if I had dozed off, because before I knew it, it was morning again and it felt like I was stuck in a furnace, slowly melting away. A shadow loomed over me as I tried to force my crusted eyelids open.

“Private?”

The voice sounded echoey and far away. Other patients in the room kept crying out in their sleep.There was a heavy screeching sound as the legs of a chair scraped the ground. General Caleb was near my bed.

“Come on, man, wake up. You need to get this soup down. You’ve been throwing up everything they’ve tried to give you so far. Sit up for me, alright?”

“I’m not hungry,” I managed to say.

“You’ve been out with a fever three days straight. The doctor said that you’re extremely sleep deprived as well. What the hell’s going on with you? You can’t carry on like this. Maybe we should send you back to Jova so you can make a full recovery there.”

I grabbed his arm, causing him to drop the spoon he was holding. General Caleb looked startled.

“What’s wrong, Mouse? You looked like you’ve seen a ghost. Let me get help for you, alright?”

“I...” My throat was burning so bad it hurt to speak. “I...you need to get me out of here. Now. I have to go back to the apartments. We have to go back to them.”

A look of concern spread across his face. “What’s wrong? You’re not making any sense whatsoever. What apartments? Talk to me. I can’t help you if you won’t let me know what’s going on with you. Just.. just take deep breaths for me.”

“Someone....someone got hurt badly,” I said. “I was involved, it was my fault, I take full responsibility, but please, please, get him to a hospital. He’s injured badly. A civilian. He has a kid, a little girl, I—“

“A civilian?” General Caleb rubbed his chin. “They have their own health center. I don’t know if—“

“He needs medical attention. He....he was shot twice!” My voice trailed off in a whisper. “Because of me.”

“Why was he shot?”

“Because...” I felt a lie beginning to take form. “Because I was trying to catch a Khonie and he got caught in the crossfire, sir. I wanted to call for help but I didn’t have my device on me, so I couldn’t communicate with anyone.” My hands were shaking so bad I hid them underneath the blanket, trying to avoid looking at my blood rimmed fingernails.

I am a monster.

Geneal Caleb gave me sympathetic look. “Well, why didn’t you say so earlier, Mouse? Do you know the name of the individual? Can you recall where you were when the incident happened so we can locate him?” He pulled out a small notepad and a pen. “Do you have a name?”

The words came out before I could stop myself. “Rufus Templin. I...I, uh, I had promised to get him help.”

The general nodded. “It’ll be done as soon as possible. Your bravery and honor will definitely be most recognized for putting the civilians first.”

I fought the urge to vomit. “Don’t mention my name to him. Keep me anonymous. One more thing, sir?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want Baldwin to hear about this. About me getting sick, about this whole incident. This is just between you and me. Do you understand?”

General Caleb appeared to be slightly puzzled, but he nodded as he got up from his chair, before walking down past the row of beds. I turned over on my side, taking slow, deep breaths.

* * * * * *

A couple days after my fever broke, I was told that Rufus had been found in his home having his wounds disinfected by his wife when he was taken to a doctor. The General had also mentioned that he had passed out twice, didn’t quite remember anything that happened that night, but that him and his family were grateful that they were getting their medical bills paid for. They said that he would be fine after a couple of months and he would be able to return to work soon.

It was hard for me to acknowledge the fact that I had gotten away with everything.

I knew that this wouldn’t change anything about what I had done, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him and his family. I knew he had gotten what he’d deserve, of course. This was only for the little one and her mother. I did not want to feel sympathy for the man who had destroyed me.

Once I recovered, I felt like I could think clearly again. Not too surprisingly, I had slept like a log, even thought that was the last thing I had wanted to do. We were to be assigned to another city by next week, but I had to take care of the water issue plaguing the Portians.

* * * * * *

After another morning of finding more Khonies and getting them into the trucks, we finally took the soldiers who had attacked us in as our prisoners. They held their heads up with no shame as they were lead off in chains. Most of them didn’t even have shoes, and had no uniform. Their guns, ammunition, bombs, and other weapons were in our control now, and the Red Mamba authorities had distributed them out to us.

Yet I didn’t want a new gun, nor did I ever want to really use one again. The rifle and knife I had left were on the ground behind those beaten down apartment buildings, stained with Rufus’ blood. Yet they had assigned me a few, and I let them sit around in my tent, collecting rust. I began smoking a lot of cigarettes that I had gotten from the other guys. Whenever I had to latch the cage shut that were full of Khonies trying to fight their way out, their screams would be muffled in my ears.

I could still hear them.

To my relief, General Andrew pulled me away from the scene and drove me down to the water plant, located right smack dab in the middle of the map. It was only around twenty five miles, give or take, and it was a huge building, lined with rusted pipes that stretched out in all directions, connecting to a deep, heavy trapdoor underneath the ground. When we walked inside past the double doors, our shadows stretched out on the tile floor. It smelled strange and musty in here, and dust mites flew in the air around us.

“How many are in here?” I asked.

“I would say around ten to fifteen thousand,” General Andrew replied. “Enough to power ten neighboring different cities since the next underground cave is miles and miles away. Portia is an old city herself, and there is a main cave down below, where the freshwater is coming through. It doesn’t need to be sterilized with the desalination process like we do back at Jova. This is an old school method.”

The pipes around me looked like snakes almost, curling and twisting their own bodies.

“When do they get replaced?”

“Every year, I suppose. With age, the lead material from them pipes can get into the water, making it undrinkable. Portia’s officials haven’t been doing a good job staying on top of it due to a declining economy. Costs millions of rupees, and that’s from the tax payers alone. But we are here to help them by seeing what’s going on with the water.”

He bent down, fumbled with a bunch of keys in his pocket, and turned the latch of the giant trap door. They jingled in the air as he struggled to open it. I joined him as we hoisted it up together.

A cool wind blew the hair out of my face as I stared at the dark hole leading down. I could smell soil and moss as General Andrew handed me a flashlight. He glanced at me sideways and grinned.

“Not a lot get to explore one of these magnificent caves. This hole is older than the city itself. It’s thousands of years old. There are steps all the way down, but they are real steep, so watch your footing. Ready?”

I took a deep breath and smiled back at him, even though I didn’t feel like it. I truly, truly hoped that in light of all the things I had done so far, maybe this one could be good.

“Ready.”