Laying the pickaxe down, I wiped the streaming sweat from my brow and sat against the tapered bank of the outer moat. The water boy, who was in fact an ale boy, ran over with a mug. I sluiced the sweet drink around inside my mouth to loosen the dust. All about me, the soldiers were toiling to carve the mud. After I’d explained the size of the trolls that were approaching, Randulf felt it prudent to add a few feet in width and depth. The water filled moat was out of our control. The time it would’ve taken to divert the nearby river, which acted as the source was explained to me in weeks and months, not days.

I thought back to my escape from the camp. I’m not sure if my actions were considered cheating or not. I preferred to think of it as abusing a glitch in the game mechanics. After the shock of the initial explosion had worn off, the pursuit was in full effect. The green canopy of the treetops was joined by the army tearing through in the undergrowth below. I’d reached the end of my one mile limit and the eagle form had begun to fail. My beak had turned back into a nose, warning me that I’d better put myself down. As I stood there listening to the frenzy all around, I wondered if I could reactivate the skill and continue on. Lo and behold, I was allowed another mile of flight. The rest of my journey back went in a flash of leapfrogging through the land a little at a time. By the time dusk settled, the thick black cloud at my back was hardly visible at all from either the distance or the successful extinguishing of the fires. My final transformation had taken place in the small home that acted as a research lab for the explosives which we had used to such spectacular effect. I’d collected another achievement from the blast.

Achievement Unlocked – Big Bada Boom

Description – This was no beautiful, red-headed alien falling through the roof of your cab. Your Leeloo took the form of about two thousand pounds of poorly stored explosives. This was elemental destruction on a biblical level. Multipass!

Reward – Explosive weapon damage increased by 50%.

It would come in handy in future worlds, that was a certainty. But I was here. In a massive trench. After destroying goblin bosses and orcs galore. Without a grenade launcher to utilise.

“How the mighty have fallen.” I sighed.

“Thirsty work,” said Sun, joining me. She wasn’t sweating or breathing heavily, despite working as hard as any of us, at some points even harder, as she drove the pick into the dirt. I wondered if it was still Dhaulf’s face she saw at the end of her blows. Though she didn’t mention it once, I knew she was still nervous about the fate of her parents. Every day that passed without word from the crowmaster of Ishalon was another spent worrying that it had all been a cruel joke.

“I’ll be glad to get back to fighting,” I said, showing her my palms. “My blisters have blisters.”

“Then you should stop flagellating your dangly.”

“Flagellating what?” I blurted.

“Oh, don’t act all shy. The boys in my fjord did little else. I never did understand why they were pulling so furiously on the thing, if I’m honest. The friction must’ve been quite uncomfortable.”

I think if the stakes had been in place I’d have hurled myself on one in embarrassment. I started to chuckle, then a full on belly laugh escaped my lips. “Did your mum or dad not explain things?”

“My father said that any boy who would rather tug on that than the training leash of a growing warg wasn’t to be considered someone worth knowing. They would pull the most ridiculous faces when expending themselves,” she said, mimicking the slack faced, cross-eyed look of ejaculation.

I was totally done. I’m sure it was an exaggeration on how much she’d witnessed, but I couldn’t get the picture of an entire fjord beset by compulsive masturbators out of my head. I’d watched a great show once where they ‘helped’ the sufferer by chopping off most of his fingers. Or was it his thumbs? I burst out laughing again, bending double until my stomach hurt. My tattooed friend didn’t seem to see the funny side.

“You’re as childish as they are,” she muttered, tossing the empty ale mug to the boy.

“Sun, I’m sorry!” I called as she stormed off. The other men were looking at me strangely, and not just because of the tales they’d heard of my exploits. “Sorry! I think it’s just the stress!”

Faint cries and the echoing gallop of hooves drew the attention of everyone in our final section of the pit. We scurried up the ladders laid against the steeply tapered bank and found a scouting party charging for the garrison entrance. I ran over to the drawbridge, just as Finneus emerged from the gatehouse in his immaculate finery. Not a crumb of mud or speck of dust marred his red tabard. Hell, even the marshal had jumped down with us and dug for a few hours. The cavalry master had deigned to saunter past atop his mount looking down on us as if we were scum. Wanker.

“What’s happening?” I asked as the lead rider came to a sudden stop.

“What news?” asked Finneus pointlessly interjecting.

I noticed the black blood staining his clothing and knew the answer immediately.

“They will be here by morning,” said the rider, his words filled with dread.

“What did you see?” I asked.

“Tell me what you saw,” added Finneus.

“For fuck’s sake will you just trot back inside and leave this to the real men? You’re giving me a migraine, you lazy prick!” I spat, no longer able to contain myself.

I turned back to the rider, only to be caught in the back of the head with a hefty boot that cracked my teeth together. Finneus tried to wrestle his horse round to kick or trample me, but I was much faster with my increased combat skills. The hooves swiped only air as I grabbed his right leg and dragged him from his whinnying mount. Slamming to the iron-banded timber with enough force to make it shake, Finneus’s eyes bugged and the breath erupted from his lungs. Before he could refill his shocked chest with air, I grabbed him like a child and tossed him over the edge into the moat. If he’d been donned in full armour, he’d have sunk to the bottom, and I honestly couldn’t say if I’d have jumped in to save him. As it was, his clothing was heavily waterlogged, but he managed to gasp and kick his way to the muddy bank. Some of the soldiers helped him out, only for him to scream at them with indignant fury.

“Get your hands off me!”

“Do you want to go in again?” I snapped as he sloshed towards me, completely filthy.

“You’ll pay for that,” he sputtered, leaving a trail of water in his wake.

“Ok, dickhead!” I yelled, raising my fists. “Let’s have it! You and me, right now!”

He made a show of grinning evilly as he ignored my invitation, which only made him look even more of a fool. Grabbing the reins of his horse, he dragged her back towards the garrison and left me bouncing on the balls of my feet as adrenaline surged through my body. Even the sight of his swagger set my rage meter to full. I waited, desperate for him to show some cruelty to his horse. The rat swarm was waiting to be activated and I didn’t care what it meant for my reputation. When his stupid, leisurely pace took him from view, I stopped my silly dance. I’d been to a few boxing lessons, but most of the time I’d been doing sit ups and running. My time on the bags was minimal. My time sparring even less so. I’d had a couple of rounds with a Polish lad called Józef and he’d beaten me like it was his job. If I ever survived this hell, I vowed to get back into it because I actually enjoyed the feeling of being put to the test. I waited for a dramatic flourish of Rocky music, but all was quiet.

“Are you ok?” asked Sun.

“I’m fine,” I said, still shaking. I turned back to the scouting party who were still staring at me, mouths agape. “Now, tell me what you saw.”

“Umm, a whole army,” he replied. “The orcs and goblins are moving through the forest, spread wide like a net. The bigger creatures are being moved down the trail.” I saw the involuntary shudder that accompanied the memory.

“Trolls? They’re big bastards alright.”

“I’ve never seen their like,” he replied.

“It doesn’t matter. They’ll die, just like the rest of them. Head inside and tell the marshal. Tell him I’ll be along as soon as we’ve finished adding stakes to this last section.”

“Yes, sire,” he said.

Before I could rebuke him for the unearned title, he led the band of scouts back into the garrison with a clatter of hooves.

“Tomorrow it is, then,” said Sun, happily.

“It seems that way.”

My quest log came alive, superimposing itself on my vision without the need to summon it.

Quest – Survive the Assault on Pitchhollow Garrison (Main)

Description – The first wave of the greenskin horde is about to descend on the plucky defenders at Pitchollow. Fight for your lives! Fight for the survival of the Kherrash people!

Reward – Paladin Skill Unlocked - Smite

“So here we are,” I grunted. We were nearing the climax of this particular story. I hoped the critics were going to rate us fairly high if I could put on a decent show. Knowing what we faced, I was expecting to suffer a heavy rebalancing in the deaths to kills ratio in the days to come. It would be almost impossible to avoid.

I looked out to the still forest, expecting to see a war party of wargs, goblins, orcs, and trolls to burst through. The leaves fluttered and the branches creaked, but aside from that there was no sign of what would soon be marching out of the shadows.

I turned back to the pit and grabbed a stake that was the size of a telephone pole. “There’s no rest for the wicked.” I sighed, heading for the ladder.