I awoke with the mother of all hangovers. I’d drooled in my sleep, saturating the pillow beneath my head. Peeling my face from the fabric, I looked around with blurry eyes at the empty bottles of cider. I’d assumed they were just for taste. Boy, was I wrong. They had all the power of a regular drink and I was six deep before the effects began to manifest. I added another six to the tally and that was the last thing I could remember. The perpetual logs were still burning on the iron grate, the passage of time having no impact on the volume of fuel.

“Where’s the aspirin?” I groaned, rolling to the side.

Without a clock to judge, I had no idea how long I’d been out for.

“Bart?”

“Yes, Mark?”

I looked over at my alien sponsor. “You got any painkillers? My head feels like its about to come apart.”

“Have you forgotten where you are?”

My throbbing brain took a few seconds to catch up. “Ahh.” I grinned and summoned a pair of white tablets. Then some water. I popped them both in my mouth and emptied the glass. The water also helped unstick some of the furry gumminess that dragged at my words.

“Thanks, Bart. You’re not so bad for an alien who wants to kill us all.” I massaged my temples and lay back on the pillow. Hopefully the medicine would work quickly. Not that I wanted to get back out into the dungeon.

“That’s nice of you to say. But I ask again, have you forgotten where you are?”

I cocked my head towards him, squinting against the torchlight which seemed a hell of a lot brighter than before I passed out. “Huh?”

“You have pain in your head, yes? From the alcohol?”

“Do the tablets and empty bottles not give it away?”

“They’re a clue, yes,” he replied, slowly. “Do I have to spell it out to you?”

“Please do. Quietly.”

“Look in your quickslot bar. What do you see?”

“Potions and spider legs.”

“What kind of potions?”

“Health and mana.”

“And…”

Through my addled thoughts, an epiphany hit me. “No!”

“Yes.”

I consumed the health potion and my headache vanished in seconds. “Holy shit!”

“Neither holy, nor shit.”

“Bart, when I get out of this, we’re patenting this concoction! We’ll be trillionaires!”

“That sounds like a fine plan, Mark.”

I sighed heavily. “Bart?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t think I’m cut out for this. I’m not sure I can do it anymore.”

“What’s the matter?”

“I just want to see my dog again. Cris too. I’m not a hero. I’ve hurt people twice in my life and still regret it. And those fuckers deserved it!”

Bart looked genuinely concerned at my return to melancholy. “Hold that thought.” In the blink of an eye he was gone. By the time it took me to sit up, he was back. “I’ve checked what information I may share with you.”

“Oh?” My interest was piqued in spite of my mood. “That quickly?”

“Yes. I’ve been allowed to confirm you are one of only eighteen percent of volunteers who have reached this point without suffering a death.”

“Bullshit.”

“No shit. Not even bull’s.”

“Really?”

“Really. Can you see how remarkable that is? No matter how much you’ve struggled, you overcame the obstacles and won.”

My rudderless boat picked up the stiff wind of pride and started to tack back towards the shore. I wasn’t a boastful guy by nature. I liked to keep my victories, as rare as they were, largely to myself. I’ll be struck down by lightning if I didn’t admit my mood soared at the news. I wasn’t as much of a failure as I’d feared. Far from it, it seemed.

“Am I to take it that the news has helped?”

I wagged a finger at him and smiled. “You’re a sly devil, Bart. No wonder you can flit between realities.”

“We all have our skills, Mark. Now you know yours.”

“Can you tell me the price to pay yet?”

Bart’s wrinkled face pinched and darkened. “I’m afraid not.”

“Ok. If you could keep petitioning the big boss to let us in on the secret that would be great.”

“Will there be anything else?”

“Why is your ship so weird? How does it fly? How does it slow down? It’s a ball of rock.”

“The technology would make your brain hurt again. And I don’t want to waste your potions.”

“So it doesn’t run on diesel?”

Bart chuckled. “Not since the upgrade, no. Good luck!”

He was gone again.

The news had greatly buoyed my outlook. There was little chance of me reconciling the fact that the things I fought weren’t real, so I would just need to suck it up and think of the billions of people relying on me; use their lives as a shield against the horror and doubt. It was easy to say when I was sitting cosy in a suite fit for a king. To my surprise, my torn clothing had repaired itself either as I slept or as a result of the healing potion. I ignored the quirk and climbed from the bed.

The door shrieked as I made my way back out into the dungeon with a new sense of purpose that would last about fifteen minutes if I was lucky. Retracing my steps, I found the grateful corpses where they had fallen. After reapplying my webwalking buff, I pocketed forty seven copper coins and moved on to the bestiary. In my terror, I hadn’t even pulled up their information which was another thing I would need to start changing. Our captors had laid it out for us on a silver platter, minus the mistakes which still niggled at the back of my mind. In a future encounter, it could well mean the difference between life and death.

Corpse – Webspinner Larder (Lvl 3)

I dry heaved at the awful moniker. Immobile, but aware. Vile. I opened the tab.

Name – Webspinner Larder

Description – Caught by the arachnids, these poor souls become a living food source and warm nest for the hatchlings. Bound tightly, they watch through the silky filaments as the eight legged monstrosities close in to feed on their juices. Ok, enough! Eugh. For the love of god just kill them and set them free.

Weakness – Physical damage

Immunities - Poison

It was time to loot the bodies.

“You can do it.”

I stared at the incomplete remains. The hollows in their flesh where there should be no hollows.

“You just need to select them and it’s done.”

The thought of what they might yield was almost as bad as facing them in combat. I didn’t imagine an enchanted mace would be among the loot.

“It’s like diving in a cold pool. Once you’re in, you’ll wonder what the problem was.”

My attempts at convincing myself were of little help. I pictured Bart and his enthusiasm at my efforts so far. I thought of the worlds yet to come. Necromancers, dinosaurs, killer robot tech billionaires.

I braced myself and clicked on the loot icon.

Item – Human Flesh (common)

Type – Consumable

Description – Human flesh softened by the digestive juices of a spider. Ready to eat out of the packet. Cooking recommended to negate toxins.

Requirements – Str 1 Dex 1

Effect – (Uncooked) Full immunity to arachnid neurological debuffs. Will suffer poison effects. (Cooked) Partial immunity to arachnid neurological debuffs. No poison debuff.

Misc - ???

Item – Silkweb Gossamer (uncommon)

Type – Crafting

Description – Thick threads taken from the enshrouding cocoons of the larder pods. Stronger than steel, lighter than air.

Requirements – Int 6 Wis 6 (Crafting 3)

Effect – Can be crafted into various items

Misc - ???

The final prize made me groan out loud.

Companion Gained – Webspinner Hatchling

Description – The offspring of a Webspinner. Requires human flesh to survive.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me…”

Against my better judgement I called the creature forth and it appeared in my hand. My lifelong instinct was to drop the thing and climb on the nearest piece of furniture until I was sure it had fled or I’d died from dehydration. Instead, I took a long, slow breath and looked at it more closely. It was about the size of a tarantula, though it lacked the fur of its ancestor.

“You’re really going to do it, aren’t you?” I asked myself.

Then I did it and quickly stowed the creature back in my pack. As fast as I was, I still saw the hatchling pounce on the human meat and begin to cover it in web. Shuddering, I wiped the tainted hand on my trousers and forged on.

I discovered a trick in the next area that allowed me to fight the cocoons one by one. A hit from one of my torches was enough to trigger the snapping of their tether. They would then approach, I didn’t really consider it an ‘attack’, and I’d deal with them at my leisure. I’d like to say the battles became easier on my conscience, but I’d be lying. I made a grand total of three hundred and six copper from their tattered corpses which went in the kitty. The amount of human meat I collected would’ve put Hannibal Lecter to shame. I had enough silkweb to build my own human larder if I so wished, which I obviously didn’t. I attempted to craft something from the material, but the tab was greyed out. Either I was too low level or it wasn’t relevant to the tutorial dungeon.

My murderous, though purely liberational exploits, brought me to the final passage. The square walls were inlaid with a circular tunnel of finely weaved web. I stared down it with trepidation. The rat abomination had been capped at a low level and it still kicked the hell out of me. This was the final tutorial boss. I was under no illusion it would prove any easier than its rodent equivalent. I stepped across the springy, white layer and moved cautiously into the lair of the unknown enemy.

What awaited me at the arch was breath-taking in its scale. The squared altar chamber in the rodent lair had been replaced by a gigantic open sphere inside the dungeon. Suspended around the centre and stretching across like a vast skin was the web of the boss. Another huge cocoon sat in the centre, thick threads snaking up to the ceiling for support. Whether from an unseen breeze or the creature within, the entire surface thrummed like a speaker cone, small waves like oscillations rippling across the fine surface.

I pulled up my big-boy pants, clasped my flail tightly, and stepped inside. There was no delay this time. I saw the massive front legs of whatever I faced appear over the top of the central nest. Two more followed, and then my mouth fell open as she appeared. Fused to the red fore-body was a woman of such dark beauty that my eyes hurt to look at her directly. Raven black hair flowed over her shoulders, concealing her breasts. Her stomach, pale as snow, melded with the spider’s form just below the navel. Bringing her hands together as if in prayer for the meal on offer, she stared at me with eyes which were pools of ebony in their sockets. Her blood red lips curled in a smirk as she climbed into full view.

Name – Shinara the Spider Queen (Boss)

Description – Abducted from the king by an abused courtesan, the infant princess was given over to the witch Cloris Vonner in revenge. Through dark rituals, the child was corrupted with the blood of Angaxx the Spider God. She is as hungry as she is beautiful. Gaze upon her and fall. Or be like a normal person and run like hell!

Weakness – ???

Immunities – Poison ???

“A new plaything,” she giggled. “How quaint.”

“Can we talk about this?”

Shinara climbed leisurely down from the nest. “Talk? About what? You wish to worship me? Become my toy until I’ve used you up and left you empty and dry?”

“I was hoping we could maybe just play rock paper scissors and call it a day?”

Her brow wrinkled in puzzlement. “Rock paper scissors? What is this?”

“A game.”

She paused in her advance. I tried not to look at her lower anatomy and the maw which drooled a thick, green ooze. “I like games.”

I could feel my increased wisdom paying dividends. “Ok, so it goes like this.” I cupped my clenched fist. “You count to three. One, two, three.” I accentuated each number with a clapping blow into my palm. “And then you pick one of the three. Rock, a fist, beats scissors but loses to paper. Scissors, two fingers open like this, snip-snip, beat paper but lose to rock. And paper…”

She held out a flat hand. “You mean parchment?”

“Paper, parchment, same thing.”

“And parchment would beat rock, and lose to scissors.”

“It’s a game of guesswork and luck?” she asked.

“It is.”

Shinara clapped excitedly. “Marvellous! And I take it the prize you are looking for is a quick death?”

“Erm.”

“And if I win, you become the next father to my brood. You’ve already destroyed a countless number of my babies.”

This wasn’t going the way I’d wanted it to. Time for plan B. I took out her hatchling. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to. I saved one of them. Look.”

She scowled at the tiny spider. “I care not. It’s one of thousands.”

Shit. There went my plan B. Her heart was as cold as her expression.

“Are we playing, or not?” She readied her hands expectantly.

I popped Spidey away, lowered my head and sighed. “Or not.”

Her face twisted into a mask of rage. “Your death will last months!”

I was ready for her charge and waited until the last second to dive aside. I hit the web and rolled into a standing position with the grace of a gymnastic cat.

“Holy cow!” I blurted.

My moment of shock was rewarded with a sideswipe from one of her legs that sent me sprawling.

Scuttling backwards, she turned to face me. “Come, meat, feel my sting.”

“I’ve been engaged before. Once was enough.”

As she darted forward again, I turned and ran. I might not be blessed with high wisdom, but I’d felt something in the web and I used it to my advantage. You’ve seen the space walks where Buzz Aldrin or whoever it was bounced across the moon because of the lower gravity? Well, that was me. I trampolined that nest like I was… a famous trampolinist.

“You can’t run forever!” Shinara shrieked after me.

“I’m not running, I’m bouncing!”

My mockery drew another scream of rage and I could see by the change in the fluttering web she was no longer moving. Upon landing, I bent and grabbed the strands to prevent my renewed ascent. I dropped flat to the soft floor. The strings from her spinnerets fluttered over me, missing me by several feet. I rolled aside and made for her nest. Circling the fifteen foot high pod, I came to the opening. It was so dark inside I couldn’t make out anything, but the rustle-skitter told me there was something, or things, lurking within. I wasn’t about to take the chance of support mobs so I lit that thing up like a petrol soaked barbecue. I was able to throw three or four torches a second as if I was dealing a hand of cards just by thinking it. The partly matured Webspinners revealed by my flames went berserk as torches landed amongst them. The scattered clothing of numberless victims caught fire, engulfing the arachnids in an inferno. Blinded by the searing heat, they attacked each other and died. Shinara circled in pursuit just as the first tongues of flame were licking their way from her home.

“No!” she screamed.

“Uh-oh.” Now she was really pissed off.

I bounded away, plotting my next move. My destruction of the nest had enraged Shinara and she mimicked my great leaps. The big difference was that she was better at it than I was. I rounded the chamber, trying to maintain distance, but she had eight legs to my two and the gap closed slowly but surely. Landing at the same time, her weight sent a ripple through the web that killed my momentum stone dead. You know how it is when you’re bouncing with friends and you both land awkwardly? That was me. My downward force caused my knees to buckle and smash into my face. I retained enough awareness to pop a potion that steadied my swimming vision. Just in time to see Shinara loom over me and ready her secondary stinger, which was attached like a snake to her underbelly. I rolled aside as it plunged through the web beside my head.

The picture etched itself onto my memory like an acid. Her quivering abdomen close enough to touch. Coarse hairs which also trembled with the tension of the strike. The slick shroud which housed her proboscis. I grabbed out with my free hand and clutched the hardened tip where it softened to muscle. I can’t say what it felt like. I’m sure you can picture it in your mind. Suffice it to say, I held that thing tight and I tugged on it as fast and hard as I could. Shinara didn’t seem to be enjoying it too much as she bucked and tried to throw me off. I switched weapons and used my coward’s dagger to saw through the meat. What it lacked in the ability to boost one’s self-esteem, it more than made up for in its razor sharpness. I fell to the web, her throbbing stinger in my hand. As she recoiled screaming, the wound sprayed my open mouth with spider blood. I gagged, spat out the rancid ichor, and climbed to my feet.

The damage was ghastly but mostly superficial judging by her almost full health bar. The bleeding root withdrew back into her body, stemming the flow. Her black eyes blazed with incomparable malice. I have no idea what possessed me, but I pitched that stinger at her face as hard as I could. Given the opportunity a thousand times, I could’ve never got the shot any better. The venom-soaked point buried itself in her right eye, sinking deeply into the socket. If the pain of it being cut off was bad, the agony it inflicted as it half blinded her was enough to make the gods take notice. Tearing it free, black ooze streamed down her once beautiful face.

“I’ll bleed you dry!”

“No thanks, I had an ex-girlfriend that did that.”

My casual disdain added to the pain in driving her crazy. She charged at me, and again I leaped to the side out of danger. My skill at Dark Souls might’ve been subpar, but I was in a zone I’d never experienced before. Despite her loathsome, terrifying appearance, I was calm and calculating. I’d noticed a weakness. Like most species of spider, they lacked the ability to move well in a sideways motion or in a turn. The legs had to do the work to shuffle them around. I decided to try something crazy and readied myself for the next rush. Beside herself with agony and frustration, Shinara obliged. I jumped, bounced again with all my strength, and propelled myself into the air. Her arms reached for me as I sailed over, landing nimbly on her bulbous body. I spun round and dived onto her back. Hooking my feet together around her waist, I looped the flail around her neck and pulled. The magical vertebrae dug into her windpipe, cutting off the air. She grasped at the links, trying to pull them free. I only pulled tighter, the base of my back straining with effort. Shinara’s black hair whipped my face as she thrashed, a squeaky gurgle issuing from her perfect lips.

“Just die!” I sobbed.

Her health bar was ticking away rapidly. In the centre of the room, the nest was an out of control fireball. Its tremendous heat caused the ceiling tethers to snap one by one, each strand causing the web to pitch and roil like stormy waves. Through it all, I held on for dear life. I could see the side of Shinara’s face as I strangled her. The pale skin was now a deep shade of purple from trapped blood. With a sound like tearing cloth, the compromised web gave way completely. My stomach jumped into my mouth as I fell. The spider queen broke my impact, but the force of our landing threw me violently from her back.

Aided by the steep concavity of the spherical chamber, we both tumbled towards the blaze. Coughing and wheezing, Shinara slammed her legs into the stone and stilled her descent. In my panic I whipped the flail around, achieving nothing. Remembering the dagger through the skull rattling daze of the fall, I summoned it and desperately stabbed at the thin mortar joints. The blade struck true and stopped me from fully pitching into the searing heat. I scrabbled away, but not before my shoes and lower trousers burst into flame. Ignoring the pain, I crawled a few more feet before patting them out. The skin was bubbling with rapidly forming blisters, so I necked a health potion and turned towards my enemy.

“I’m going to enjoy liquefying you from the inside out,” she croaked.

I winced at the deep bruising around her neck until I reminded myself of what she was. A witch formed hellbeast who killed people by the hundreds.

Shinara tensed to strike.

I summoned my ratlings as she jumped.

Dodging her weakened attack with ease, I watched without pity as she landed among my furry minions. They climbed her legs, their jagged teeth tearing at the soft parts. It was the work of seconds to drain the last of her health and she slumped to the ground, squashing some of my friends. A wan smile formed on her lips as she perished, her human body sagging forward.

I looked at her corpse as my summons drifted away in a cloud of blue smoke.

I suddenly felt the need to sit down.

My rump hit the stone and I watched the blackened webspinner carcasses turn to ash.

It was a long time before I stood.