[THE HAVEN]

Esara crossed names off a white slip of paper.

Carrots Chips Milk

Carrots and chips made sense. But milk? That was an animal product. There weren’t any animals alive inside the Haven, and certainly none outside of it. If Jay and Bander wanted to chance it, that was their prerogative. Esara would stick with water.

Her hands shuffled through rows of slimy milk cartons, scavenging for unexpired treasure. Such products were elusive, especially on floor eighteen. Anyone below floor twenty settled for scraps from above.

Her eyes locked onto a milk carton - only two days past the expiration date.

It was perfect!

Well, perfect enough.

The slimy carton slipped from her grip, tumbling across hard tile. Esara gasped as it slapped against the ground; she had no interest in restarting her search.

It slid to a stop by a man’s red boot. This man wore a red top hat, a perfect red suit, and an impeccable handlebar mustache. A red metallic box was strapped to his back.

“Pardon me miss,” said the man, lifting the carton. “It appears you dropped this.”

Esara snatched the carton from his hands.

“I did,” said Esara. “Thank you.”

She tried not to stare as she continued on her way. That was one funky looking dude.

“Just a moment,” said the man. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

Esara looked him over.

“No, I don’t think so,” Esara said.

“You worked at Heals, right?” asked the man.

Esara froze solid.

“You filled my prescriptions ages ago,” said the man. “It’s me, Craig!”

“I’m sorry, that name doesn’t sound familiar,” said Esara. “I’m sure I would have remembered you. Excuse me.”

Esara hurried towards the check out line.

Craig withdrew a small red notebook, comparing a sketch with Esara’s face - it was an exact match.

“Thanks for confirming Esara,” said Craig. “I’m certain you’ll remember me next time.”

[ZERO SPACE]

“Catch that stupid bird!” yelled Dalli.

“Eh, it’s called the Ruby Rumpus,” said Auron.

“Don’t correct me!” snarled Dalli. “I know what it’s called!”

Dalli pounced towards a feathery red bird - it zipped between his grasping arms.

“Squark!” said the Ruby Rumpus.

“Damn it!” snarled Dalli.

“I’ve got this,” said Shae.

Shae raised his pistols --

Dalli smacked his arms away.

“No, you screwball!” snarled Dalli. “Don’t hurt it!”

Dalli withdrew a metal birdcage from his inventory.

“We have to capture it alive,” said Dalli. “This cage will be its new respawn point.”

“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “My turn.”

Before Dalli could object, Janzo snatched the cage from his hands, swiping towards the bird with lightning speed.

The bird moved twice as fast, fluttering onto a neon sign that read “PARADISE HOTEL.” This sign had seen better days. Several of its letters were missing, Others were covered in bird poop.

“Squark,” said the Ruby Rumpus.

“Meh, we’re never going to catch it,” said Auron. “That thing’s got predictive movement or something.”

“Predict this!” snarled Dalli.

The bird did as Dalli instructed, ascending three stories to the hotel’s roof.

“Squark,” said the Ruby Rumpus.

Dalli abandoned words, hissing and snarling in a fit of rage.

“Eh, this is getting ridiculous,” said Auron.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “We should leave. This hotel is supposed to be dangerous.”

“It’s a dump too,” said Shae. “Paradise Hotel? More like Paradise Motel.”

“Shut your mouth Shae!” snarled Dalli. “This used to be a wonderful place!”

Dalli scaled the hotel with a mighty leggoid leap, attempting another cage swipe. The bird evaded, landing on a second story window.

“Squark,” said the Ruby Rumpus.

“ARGGGHHHHHH” shrieked Dalli, diving down after it. The bird entered the open window.

“Squark,” said the Ruby Rumpus, from somewhere within.

“Dalli, enough,” said Shae. “Chief will be happy with the Dragon Song.”

“Chief will be happier with the bird!” snarled Dalli.

Dalli peeked through the window - nothing but darkness. The floors and walls seemed to wobble. Was the furniture moving? Maybe it was Dalli’s imagination --

“Squark,” the bird taunted again.

Blinded by rage, Dalli dove inside.

“No, Dalli, don’t go in there!” Shae shouted. “That’s an order! Dalli --”

Too late, Dalli was gone. Shae sighed and shook his head.

“Meh, and I thought the Deadly Skulls were dysfunctional,” said Auron.

Shae spun his pistols to his hands.

“Let’s go get that idiot,” said Shae.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo.

“Eh, we were only helping because we’re nice,” said Auron. “This is kind of your problem.”

“Come on,” said Shae. “I’m at half SP.”

“Nah, this all rubs me the wrong way,” said Auron.

“Please?” asked Shae.

“He said please,” said Janzo.

“I don’t care,” said Auron. “There could be more Strangers in there.”

“Or a material,” suggested Shae. “Nothing can be worse than what we’ve already been through.”

“Eh, knowing our luck --” said Auron.

“Our guilds go back to war after this,” said Shae. “This is our last chance to play together.”

“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “We should vote on it.”

“We’re not doing that again --”

“All in favor of checking out the hotel?” asked Janzo.

Janzo and Shae raised their hands.

“This is ridiculous,” said Auron. “Meh, whatever. We can check out the stupid hotel. If there’s even a hint of Stranger danger, we’re out.”

“Fine,” said Shae. “We’ll just take a peek.”

The hotel doors were sealed shut with thick wooden boards. The words “STAY OUT” and “ABSOLUTELY DO NOT ENTER” were spray painted across them.

“Eh, wish we’d seen that earlier,” said Auron.

“Guess that means more fighting,” said Shae.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo.

Janzo got to work with his scythe, hacking at wooden boards with a series of swift swings.

“Meh, I’m all out of fighting today,” said Auron.

“You barely fought at all,” said Shae.

“Yep,” said Auron. “I can’t stand fighting. That’s why I chose a lollipop.”

Auron sucked on his weapon.

“Stupid choice,” said Shae.

“Eh, tastes better than a sword,” said Auron.

Janzo hacked at the door. Wood splintered below his scythe.

“There’s enough violence in the Haven already,” said Auron. “I don’t get why we gotta bring it into Zero Space.”

“This is fun violence,” said Shae.

“No such thing,” said Auron. “It’s a fantasy world alright, but it ain’t my fantasy.”

Janzo’s scythe ripped through wooden barricades, cleaving the door wide open.

“We outta settle our differences with a drinking contest,” said Auron. “I’d win that one --”

Auron’s words trailed off as he witnessed what awaited inside. Velvet chairs and maple tables bobbed up and down through a liquid ceiling. A front desk bell rang with prolonged vibrato. Crystal chandeliers stretched and recoiled like frenzied yo-yos.

“No,” said Shae. “No no no no no --”

Auron nearly choked on his lollipop.

“Eh, I called it,” said Auron.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “That place looks weird.”

“It’s a glitch,” said Auron. “We don’t enter glitches.”

“But Dalli’s in there,” said Shae.

“Once again, that’s kind of your problem,” said Auron.

Shae trembled, staring into the glitch’s interior. This was too much for one day.

Auron set his hand on Shae’s shoulder.

“Eh, Shae,” said Auron. “I won’t tell you what or what not to do. But I wouldn’t go in after him. Even if I was Raid Captain.”

“That’s why you’re not Raid Captain,” said Shae.

Auron hushed up.

“Just leave,” said Shae. “You’d slow me down anyway.”

Shae trembled, raising his pistols.

“I’m not leaving Dalli in there.”

Auron and Janzo exchanged a look, watching Shae trek towards the hotel.

“Shae --” said Auron.

Shae glanced back at him.

“Don’t die in there,” said Auron.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo. “If you survive, let’s hang out.”

Shae nodded, stepping through the doorway.

All outside sounds faded the instant Shae entered, replaced with eerie silence and the hum of a hundred defective televisions.

Solid ground was hard to come by. Weeping ceiling lights drenched Shae in dewdrop sparks. Walls bent inwards, threatening to crush him with their unpredictable mass.

“Dalli!” Shae called out.

Shouting was a risky endeavour, but it was Shae’s only option. Paradise Hotel was larger on the inside, no doubt from the glitch’s influence. Hallways dragged on forever - an endless series of doorways with scrambling room numbers.

“Dalli!” Shae screamed out again.

“Shae --” a faint voice answered.

Shae sprinted towards the noise.

“Dalli!” Shae called out.

No answer. Shae passed another thirty doors, then tried again.

“Dalli!”

“Shae --”

The voice came from several doors simultaneously. Shae kicked one open, entering a massive room, bordered by a ring of spinning doors. Elongated beds, couches and kitchenettes stretched down into a whirlpool of carpet.

Shae seemed unaffected by the whirlpool’s current. Same with Dalli - he sat by the whirlpool’s edge, staring down into oblivion. Something about him looked off.

“Dalli,” said Shae.

“Shae,” said Dalli, glancing up with ancient eyes.

Shae froze. That confirmed it - Dalli looked older. Freckled spots ran across his snout. Wrinkled folds flopped across his arms. Sharp salamander teeth scowled, dull and blackened.

“You came for me,” said Dalli.

“Obviously,” said Shae. “Let’s get out of here.”

“There’s no way out,” said Dalli. “I’ve been trying for years. Nothing’s worked.”

“Years?” asked Shae. “It’s been like, twenty minutes.”

“Has it?” asked Dalli. “I can’t tell anymore. I can’t find the exit. And I can’t remove my headset. We’re stuck Shae.”

Shae gave him a funny look, then attempted to remove his own headset - he couldn’t. Dread overwhelmed him. What terrible fate had that stupid bird condemned them to?

“There’s gotta be a way out of here,” said Shae.

“There’s not,” said Dalli.

“We have to try --”

“I’m done trying!” snarled Dalli. “I’m tired Shae. I just want to sit here.”

Dalli gazed into the whirlpool.

“All this time,” said Dalli. “I criticized your decisions. Made fun of your failures. Questioned your judgement. But now look at me.”

Dalli evaluated his wrinkled hands.

“I’m worse than you Shae,” said Dalli. “I disobeyed Chief. And her Raid Captain. Over and over again. This is all my fault. I failed Chief. I failed you.”

Shae said nothing.

“Zero Space isn’t just a game, is it Shae?” asked Dalli. “You knew it, this whole time. I should have listened.”

Dalli peered into the void.

“Here I am, right back where I started,” said Dalli. “I’ve had enough Shae. I’m done with the Haven. I’m done with this world too. Chief won’t save me this time --”

Shae smacked Dalli.

“Chief’s not here to save you,” yelled Shae. “I am.”

Dalli glanced up at Shae.

“You selfish dick!” yelled Shae. “You think it’s your choice to die? No asshole, it’s mine. I’m your Raid Captain, and you’re not allowed to die. That’s an order!”

Shae trembled.

“You think you’re the only one with problems?” yelled Shae. “You don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know what I lost.”

Shae shook with rage.

“Fuck your trauma,” yelled Shae. “How do you think Chief would feel if you didn’t come back? You’re just going to leave her all alone?”

Dalli’s eyes opened wide.

“I don’t care if you don’t give a shit about yourself,” yelled Shae. “Chief cares about you. I care about you.”

Shae gripped Dalli tightly.

“I’m not going to let you die,” said Shae. “I don’t want you to die.”

Shae sobbed into Dalli’s vest.

“Please Dalli,” said Shae. “Please come with me.”

Shae squeezed harder.

“I’m not leaving you here,” said Shae. “Please don’t leave me.”

Dalli rose on his ancient legs.

“Alright,” said Dalli. “Alright.”

Shae glanced up at Dalli, wiping his eyes.

“We can try,” said Dalli.

Shae nodded, crawling to his feet.

“We, we need to find the entrance,” said Shae. “Maybe from there, we can --”

PSULOPH

The noise was unlike any Shae had ever heard. His brain couldn’t even fully process it - it was both hollow and full, like a flute in a hurricane. There was a crunchy tone to it, a low baritone note that vibrated Shae’s soul.

PSULORIPH

It came from the whirlpool. A figure peeked over its edge, rising like a sunset over silent waves. Its shape was that of a sea urchin, hundreds of thin swaying rainbow tentacles, protruding from a mound of cancerous flesh. Narrow mouths with human teeth awaited at each tentacle’s tip, lashing out in an unprovoked frenzy.

“What the hell is that?” asked Dalli.

“I don’t know,” said Shae.

PSULORRIPIH

The thing dragged itself forward, grappling the ground with a million mouths, all orchestrated by a single intent.

“Time to go,” said Shae.

“Go where?” shouted Dalli.

There were too many ways out of this room. Hundreds of doors surrounded them, opening and closing as if ajar in a storm. Shae didn’t care where they went, as long as it wasn’t here.

The creature rolled over, exposing its belly: a giant mouth with salivating human teeth. More thrashing tentacles waited within, each with mouths of their own.

PSULOPHH

Its belly extended into a long tube, pale saliva rushing through it like a water slide. Tubular jaws opened wide, hungry for a meal --

“PAUSE SHOT!”

Shae needed a moment. 6 SP remained.

Rows of crusty teeth lingered inches away, welcoming Shae and Dalli inside. Each tooth was brown and black, accented with the blood of a thousand trespassing players.

Shae shoved Dalli away with unfrozen arms, before eying the surrounding doors - each one led to the same endless hallway. If he could find just one that looked different --

Time resumed.

Apparently, Pause Shot had a time limit - an important lesson with unfortunate timing. Shae’s SP was consumed, followed by Shae --

Dalli’s leggoid feet launched Shae backwards as slimy teeth crunched down. It’s teeth tore through the flesh of reality. Rainbow sunlight gleamed through a gap in the air, before sealing away behind pale squares.

“Move!” yelled Shae.

“Which way?” shouted Dalli.

“Any way!” yelled Shae.

The two of them charged through a door, pursued by two snapping jaws.

Shae and Dalli sprinted into an expanding hallway. The further they ran, the longer it grew.

“I think we lost it,” said Shae.

The creature crashed through a door ahead.

PSULOPHPH

“You had to jinx it!” snarled Dalli.

Shae and Dalli reversed their trajectory.

“Now what?” snarled Dalli.

PSULOPOP

Tubular teeth extended. This was bad; the monster’s maw was thicker than the hallway was wide.

“PIERCING SHOT!!”

A Level 2 shot Into the creature’s mouth! 3 SP remained.

Shae’s bullet steered it sideways. Its jaws tore through glitching air. Erupting dust obscured a flash of daylight, swiftly concealed by white squares.

The impact also punctured a hole in the hotel wall, outlined by a sizzling gray border. Beyond was a neon blue void, dissimilar to anything else in the glitch.

Another bite was on the way. Shae imagined falling between its jaws, his bones shattering, tiny tentacles picking apart his flesh, pale saliva seeping into his veins --

Shae smacked the thought from his head.

“This way!” yelled Shae, motioning towards the hole.

“We don’t know what’s in there,” snarled Dalli.

“We know what’s out here!” yelled Shae.

Valid point - they dove through the wall as the beast’s maw plowed through like a freight train.

Shae and Dalli descended into a world of floating furniture, orbiting around a neon blue void.

“A maphole?” Shae squeaked out.

Shae face-planted against a floating door. Dalli fared far worse, shattering both legs against a metal table.

“Shaeeee!” Dalli wailed.

PSULLOPHH

The monster seeped through the wall, grappling a floating desk with hundreds of toothy tentacles.

Dalli sat several stories below Shae. And beyond him was a fall into neon nothingness. The only thing worse than hitting the ground, was not hitting the ground at all.

Shae curled into a trembling ball.

“Shae,” yelled Dalli. “Move your ass! It’s coming!”

PSULURPH

The thing plopped onto a bathtub just above Shae, baring its toothy belly.

“Shae!” shouted Dalli.

Certain death lurked above. Uncertain death waited below.

Shae made his choice --

He slid off the hovering door as incoming teeth tore it to shreds.

An aerial cupboard broke Shae’s fall, and possibly a few ribs. He gasped, staring up into distorted rainbow sunlight, zippered up by white squares.

Rainbow sunlight --

Island sunlight, generated by rainbow clouds --

The creature was biting through the glitch itself, briefly exposing non-glitch territory.

That was their ticket out!

“Shae!” yelled Dalli.

Dalli wasn’t far, but a single misstep would result in Shae’s death, or an eternal fall. The creature dangled from a bathtub, preparing to drop down --

Shae departed, impacting a floating dresser. He rolled into another leap, kicking off a microwave onto a long sofa with plenty of padding.

Halfway there.

Shae bounced from sofa cushions, sliding across a dining table. He overshot the edge however, hooking his arms around its wooden legs. This was bad - nothing below would catch his fall.

PSULOMRPHH

The creature mimicked Shae’s route, bouncing against a dresser, swinging across a microwave, and rolling down a dining table --

Shae pulled his feet against the table’s edge, launching himself backwards onto a refrigerator.

PSULORPHHPH

The monster’s mouth extended for a mid-air bite --

“SHADOW STAB!!”

Dalli’s level two spears erupted from the table, introducing the monster’s head into a loveseat. The loveseat exploding into a spray of mellow sunlight and white cubes.

Shae tumbled from the fridge, straight onto Dalli’s legs.

“Argghhhhh!” screamed Dalli. “Get off!”

Shae did his best to accommodate - there wasn’t much room.

“Now what?” snarled Dalli.

“We wait --” said Shae.

The monster slingshotted onto a refrigerator, just within biting range.

“Shae,” said Dalli. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I do,” said Shae.

That was a half-truth; he had a half-plan. Piercing Shot couldn’t pierce this thing, but it could still push. Shae’s timing and precision had to be impeccable; there was no room for error.

The monster’s mouth descended --

“SNIPE SHOT!”

That’s what Shae called it: a Pause Shot, combined with a Piercing Shot.

Two rows of stinking teeth lay before him, wide enough to fit four or five Shae’s. A thousand tentacle tastebuds thrashed within, pale saliva crashing against them like white water rapids. Shae imagined those tentacles guiding him towards the creature’s stomach, each one taking a piece on the way down -- he smacked that thought from his frozen head.

Dalli knelt next to him with baggy bulging eyes. He really did look older. Dark shadows sagged beneath his brows. Loose scales flaked from his lips. Frail arms --

Wait, Pause Shot had a time limit! There was little time to dawdle - Shae estimated another three seconds worth of dawdling.

He wrapped one arm around Dalli.

Two seconds...

His pistol pressed against the monster’s mouth.

One second…

BANG

Time resumed as Shae fired into the monster’s lip, pushing it just slightly backwards. Heavy teeth snapped shut, wedging open a gap of glowing sky.

Shae hurled himself and Dalli through it. White squares drifted past their bodies, releasing them to daylight’s embrace.

Shae and Dalli smacked against hard pavement. Dalli groaned, glancing up towards a neon sign that read “Paradise Hotel”

“Shae,” said Dalli. “We made it!”

Shae attempted to nod. Even nodding was painful.

“Am I still, old?” asked Dalli.

Dalli looked eighty years young.

“You look fine,” Shae lied.

Dalli nodded.

“Maybe, you can row on the way back,” said Dalli.

“Yeah, sure,” said Shae, but his attention was diverted elsewhere - Dalli finally saw it too.

“The Ruby Rumpus!” said Dalli.

The red bird perched a few feet away, pecking at wriggling earthworms.

“That stupid bird must have flown back out somehow!” snarled Dalli.

Shae forced himself to stand.

“Give me the birdcage,” growled Shae.

“No, forget the bird,” said Dalli. “I’ve had it with this place. I’m done!”

“I said give me the birdcage,” said Shae. “That’s an order.”

Dalli grimaced, heaving the bird cage into Shae’s hands.

Shae approached the Ruby Rumpus. 1 SP left.

Auron said it best - this bird’s movement was predictive. From Shae’s observations, it would retreat when players breached a certain radius.

Shae had a vague mental model of that radius. He just had to get close enough.

As expected, the bird took off the moment he was in arm’s reach --

“PAUSE SHOT!”

Arm’s reach was all he needed - he scooped the frozen bird into the cage, slamming it shut.

The bird was his.

His pistol spun towards the sky --

BANG

A single shot restored time. Clouds shattered above Shae, raining a gradient downpour across his body. Prismatic shards dyed his outfit with every color of the island.

Shae slammed the cage down in front of Dalli. The Ruby Rumpus didn’t appreciate that.

“Shae,” said Dalli. “You actually did it.”

“Yeah,” said Shae. “Now let’s get the hell out of here.”

Dalli crouched upon one knee, defying his broken legs.

“What the hell are you doing?” asked Shae. “You proposing or something?”

“Shae,” said Dalli. “I swear my fealty to you.”

Shae gave him a funny look.

“Whenever you need me, and whatever you need me for, I am at your command,” said Dalli. “You are my Raid Captain. And I am your loyal servant --”

“Okay, sure, no need to be so formal about it,” said Shae. “You’ll kiss my ass. Got it.”

“Also, uh,” Dalli started. “Can we not tell Chief about all this?”

“Yeah,” said Shae. “What happened on this island, stays on this island.”

Dalli nodded in agreement.

“And one more thing,” said Shae. “Before we head back.”

Shae wrapped his arms around Dalli, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Shae!” said Dalli. “Uh --”

Dalli was dumbstruck, but then he returned the gesture, squeezing back hard.

Stained glass clouds painted their bodies in a mural of shadows. Wiggling animal legs crawled through the sky. Players and NPCs danced in the distance, united in ceaseless celebration.

Shae’s island adventure was over. It was finally time to go home.

The Ruby Rumpus pecked at its cage.

“Sq.’w2=rk,” said the Ruby Rumpus.