[ZERO SPACE]

“This place looks different than I remember it,” said Dalli.

That was putting it mildly. Every cloud was a different color. Squirming monster limbs wriggled across diagonal sky-scrapers. Trees grew from other trees, blooming into bouquets of balloons.

“We’re in and out,” said Shae. “I’m serious.”

“I’m not arguing with you,” said Dalli.

A guild of players walked by, slinging an odd assortment of furs on a metal rack over their shoulders.

“Hey, it’s that famous player!” said one of them, motioning towards Shae.

“Yo, what up Shae?” asked another player, going in for a fist bump.

Shae didn’t do fist bumps. Especially not here. He gave them an awkward stare, watching them trek towards one of many massive boats parked in the harbor. Shae and Dalli’s rowboat looked laughable by comparison.

“This secret island’s not so secret,” said Shae.

Dalli glanced at his interface:

Active World Events NAME LOCATION PARTICIPANTS Go Figure Bizarre Bazaar 509/3000

“How the hell are there over five hundred players here?” asked Dalli. “They’d better not all be after the Ruby Rumpus”

“I doubt you have to worry about --”

Shae suddenly tackled Dalli as a two-mouthed, six-legged, seventeen-eyed beast charged past them. A group of players pursued it, swords and spears flashing in a choreographed dance of death.

The monster howled in agony, falling flat on its belly before turning its heavy head towards its assailants.

“Good job, friends,” said the monster. “You’re all getting better at killing me.”

One of the guild members nodded. “Same time tomorrow?”

The monster croaked its final words: “See you then, friends.”

Eager guild members dug a Level One material from its corpse, distributing it to their weakest member. Shae was both traumatized and tantalized. Easy materials were hard to come by. Hopefully all monsters on this island were this generous.

“So, what exactly is that world event?” asked Shae.

“You have to buy a bunch of figurines from the bazaar,” said Dalli. “It’s expensive, so I never did it.”

“Hold up,” said Shae. “A bazaar? Like, a market?”

“Yeah,” said Dalli. “It should be around here --”

Shae found it first, racing towards a distant colony of dark tents. They smelled of smoke, meat, and smoked meat - just like Central Market.

“Shae, stay together!” yelled Dalli.

Each tent showcased unique wares, impossible to find anywhere else. Old content. Cut content. And content yet to be released. It was the black market of Shae’s dreams, and he deserved to treat himself --

It was time to buy a hat.

Dalli caught up, smacking Shae with his spear.

“You screwball,” said Dalli. “Don’t run off like that!”

“I just need a few minutes,” said Shae.

“You said in and out!” Dall growled.

“I’ll be in and out,” said Shae. “In a few minutes.”

Dalli groaned, trailing Shae from tent to tent. Shae spent over seven minutes at each booth - Dalli was counting.

“Hurry up and buy something,” said Dalli.

“Don’t rush me,” said Shae.

“We’re in a rush!” said Dalli.

“This is payment for helping you out,” said Shae.

“Payment?” said a voice nearby. “We take that here!”

The voice came from a nearby tent, manned by both a villager and a goblin.

“Welcome to Killagers!” said the villager. “Killagers is the name of our store!”

“Most goblins kill smelly villagers --” said the goblin.

“But we work together!” the villager interrupted. “We combined the words Kill and Villager, to form the word Killagers. That’s the name of our store!”

“Uh, okay,” said Dalli.

“Hey you, smelly purple dude,” said the goblin. “We’ll buy those smelly clothes off you.”

“They’re not for sale,” said Shae.

Dalli tensed up - these NPCs were speaking reactively. The last time Dalli witnessed this, he was being tortured by a sadistic goblin shaman.

“Shae, let’s go,” said Dalli. “Something is very wrong here.”

“It’s out there that’s wrong,” said the villager. “Nothing’s wrong here at Killagers. That’s the name of our store!”

“Yeah, smelly NPCs shouldn’t be fighting each other,” said the goblin. “They shouldn’t be fighting smelly players either. Everyone should get along.”

“NPCs fight players,” said Dalli. “That’s just what they do.”

“We can do anything we want here,” said the villager. “So we made Killagers. That’s the name of our store!”

“Smelly rules don’t apply when we’re out of bounds!” said the goblin.

STOMP STOMP

Dalli glanced up towards a towering seven legged spider, stomping through the marketplace. Its foot brushed the edge of a vendor’s tent, making the tent cry. The spider leaned down, blowing bubbles into the tent with a long elephant trunk. That made the tent blush bright purple and play a little ditty.

Dalli quickly looked away from whatever the hell was happening there --

Shae was already two tents over, shuffling through a stack of hats. Top hats. Teenie beanies. Feathered caps - one feather was ruby red.

“The Ruby Rumpus!” yelled Dalli, shoving Shae away.

The person running the booth wasn’t a person at all. He was an alien. Not from Zero Space, but from space itself. He had inky black eyes, a long squid head, and a thin fish mouth. The rest of his body was less discernible - mostly tentacles and slime.

“Greetings Haven-lings,” said the alien. “Welcome to UFO: Unbelievably Fancy Outfits. We sell saucers for your head.”

“Where did you find this feather?” snarled Dalli.

“It is a Ruby Rumpus feather,” said the alien. “There’s one by the Paradise Hotel. I obliterated it with my death ray, but it should be respawned now.”

Dalli grabbed the Alien by his -- whatever those tentacle things were.

“You’d better not lay a finger on that bird again,” said Dalli.

“Zardookians don’t have fingers,” said the alien. “But my jameroons have no need to touch it again. Not unless someone buys my head saucer.”

Shae considered it, but the cost was astronomical. Maybe he could sell his clothes to Killagers -- Dalli knocked the hat from his hands.

“I remember Paradise Hotel,” said Dalli. “I used to drink there for hours!”

“Zardookian time passes in quardalfians,” said the alien. “But you wouldn’t want to spend quardalfians there. Paradise Hotel is now a hostile sector.”

The alien wiggled his jameroons.

“There is a strange distress beacon near there,” said the alien. “The distress beacon sounds like a Haven-ling’s voice, singing a beautiful song. Be careful: It’s a trap!”

“Uh, right,” said Dalli. “Let’s get going Shae.”

“But the hat --” said Shae.

“You can’t afford it!” snarled Dalli.

“Our prices are out of this world,” said the alien. “Take me to your ledger.”

Two dapper brown shoes strolled forward, worn by a whistling humanoid in a dainty blue sailor outfit. A spherical sucker drifted between his lips. His long ponytail swung behind him like a happy dog’s tail.

This was Auron of the Deadly Skulls. Despite the island’s weirdness, Shae was the last thing he expected to see here. Nearly choking on his lollipop, Auron dove behind a merchant’s booth. His ponytail splashed into a muddy puddle, staining his sailor vest.

“I don’t believe this shit,” said Auron. “It’s those damn Feather Birds. How is this possible?”

The royal guard Janzo hunched by Auron’s side, staring at Shae with blank demonoid eyes.

“That’s the guy that teabagged your corpse in the forest,” said Janzo.

“Yeah, I saw the replay, thank you,” groaned Auron. “What’s he doing here?”

“Ask him,” said Janzo.

“I’m not going to ask him,” said Auron.

“I’ll ask him then,” said Janzo.

“Nah, stay back here,” said Auron. “We’ll trail him until we know what’s up.”

“You always trail Shae,” said Janzo. “That’s why we’re always one step behind him.”

Auron shrugged, slurping his sucker.

“The Feather Birds don’t know who I am,” said Janzo. “Hang back if you want, but I came here to play.”

Dalli dragged Shae away from the hats.

“Hold up,” said Shae. “I didn’t buy anything yet.”

“Do it later!” growled Dalli. “That bird might get poached again.”

“Bird?” asked someone from behind.

Dalli and Shae turned to see Janzo eyeing them. This demonoid had the same blank stare as DangerFace869, but he was taller and put actual effort into his outfit. A stylish red and brown scale pattern ran across his attire - this was a person of class, and perhaps of status. The gleam of a large scythe curved over his back; Shae suspected this scythe wasn’t for reaping corn.

“You need something?” asked Shae.

“I want to hang out,” said Janzo.

“Uh, who are you?” asked Dalli.

“I’m Janzo,” said Janzo. “I’m new here.”

“Same,” said Shae. “But we don’t want to hang out.”

“I’m a strong fighter,” said Janzo. “You’re tracking a bird?”

“It’s a Ruby Rumpus,” said Dalli. “And it’s none of your business.”

“I’ll help you,” said Janzo.

“No,” said Shae. “Beat it.”

“I’ll buy you a hat,” said Janzo.

Shae paused.

“Shae, don’t even think about it,” said Dalli.

Dalli couldn’t control Shae’s thoughts.

Janzo projected his rep point account - it was the highest number Shae had ever seen. This dude was loaded.

“Hold up,” said Shae. “Why do you want to help us so bad?”

“I want to explore the island,” said Janzo. “You seem strong. It’s safer to explore with other people.”

“Fine, you can come,” said Shae.

“Shae, no!” snarled Dalli. “We don’t know this guy!”

“You owe me a hat,” Shae said.

“Uh huh,” said Janzo.

Dalli slapped his forehead, groaning in frustration.

***

The trio travelled from humble merchant tents into a concentrated metropolis, populated by skyscrapers from every era. Victorian clock towers, modern high-rises, and futuristic neon superstructures stood side by side. Foggy sunlight filtered down through rainbow clouds, coating dark alleys in a psychedelic hue. Wiggling colors distorted shadows on the walls, making them look alive. Some of them were alive.

Shae kicked a random beach ball. It ricocheted off a floating pizza before hatching into a bicycle with angel wings.

“Please tell me we’re close,” said Shae.

“Probably,” said Dalli. “Paradise Hotel is around here somewhere.”

“So we’re lost then,” said Shae.

“I know where it is!” Dalli snarled. “But these stupid buildings are in the way!”

“Mind your manners,” said one of those stupid buildings.

Dalli shut his trap.

A faint voice whistled between alleys, belting out an indecipherable ballad. Janzo’s demonoid eyes opened wide.

“Let’s go that way,” said Janzo.

“No,” said Shae. “The alien said to avoid the song.”

“It could be the bird singing,” said Janzo.

“I know what the Ruby Rumpus sounds like!” snarled Dalli. “That’s not the Ruby Rumpus!”

Shae yawned, resting upon a giant skeletal dragon head.

“Do you mind?” asked the dragon skull. “You’re on my mind! Hah!”

Shae sprang to his feet. He should have known better than to touch anything here.

“People used to fear me,” said the dragon skull. “Now they just sit on me, or pose with me for pictures. My, how times have changed.”

“Uh huh,” said Janzo.

Shae noticed something just past the dragon skull - a green glow, beckoning from a nearby alley. It was a familiar shade of green.

No, it couldn’t be --

“I was once the Dragon’s second form,” said the dragon skeleton. “You’d put the Dragon Sword in the Dragon’s weak-point, and then tah-dah - my turn! Hah!”

“Hold up,” said Shae. “The Dragon has a weak-point?”

“He sure does,” said the dragon skeleton. “But he’d never tell ya where. It’s not where you’d expect it to be though, I’ll tell you that! Hah!”

Shae nodded, but his attention was elsewhere. Beyond the alley’s edge, a large green orb hovered in mid-air, reflecting the world around it. There was no mistaking it --

It was a path. Here of all places! Did Shae dare? He was on a mission, but not a particularly important one. Whatever was in there couldn’t be weirder than out here.

“Shae, where are you going?” asked Dalli.

“Be right back,” said Shae. “Probably.”

“Probably?” snarled Dalli.

Shae couldn’t resist -- just one quick peek:

***

CREATE YOUR CHARACTER Name --- Race --- Appearance Details ---

Oh right - this again. Jay didn’t plan on sticking around for long, so he picked the first thing that popped into his head:

CREATE YOUR CHARACTER Name PeeButt69 Race --- Appearance Details ---

He made himself a demonoid, like Janzo. This was a throwaway character after all.

As for his appearance:

APPEARANCE EDITOR Eyes Yellow Fur Color Yellow Height 8'4

His masterpiece was complete:

CREATE YOUR CHARACTER Name PeeButt69 Race Demonoid Appearance Details - Finalized -

PeeButt69 tumbled from the path, bowling through overgrown corn stalks. Rays of bright sun baked his flesh, though fortunately, demonoid flesh was sun resistant.

He carved a path forward, swatting stalks with his palms. They tickled his flesh, though not as much as he wanted them to -- that was a strange thought, but PeeButt69 didn’t smack it out of his head.

In truth, the lack of sensation was palatable. Vibrant summer colors blended into a desaturated blob. The scent of honey waned like cheap candles. Howling wind distorted, as if filtered through broken headphones. Demonoids led a diminished existence; most probably didn’t know any better.

Corn grew endlessly in every direction. Seven foot stalks rose to PeeButt69’s eight foot eyeline. The green path grew faint behind him, shining above the corn like an emerald sunrise. PeeButt69 didn’t dare stray too far. That was his ticket out of here.

“Hey you,” said a squeaky voice.

PeeButt69 glanced back and forth. Another player would be a welcome sight.

“Down here!” said the voice again.

PeeButt69 found a small creature by his feet - even smaller than a magicoid. It was pink with a frilly mane. A cute nose wiggled between kitty cat whiskers, scrunched below two puppy dog eyes.

“What’s your name?” asked the pink creature.

“I’m --” PeeButt69 started. He stopped right there.

The tiny pink creature just giggled.

“Follow me!” said the pink creature.

It scurried off, leaving a trail of stalks fluttering in its wake. Did PeeButt69 dare follow? If he lost sight of the path, Dalli was on his own.

No, this wasn’t a risk worth taking. Not today at least.

PeeButt69 made it halfway back to the path before the pink creature emerged again.

“Not that way,” said the pink creature. “This way!”

“I’m good,” said PeeButt69.

“You’re being a bad friend,” said the little creature.

“Are you a player?” asked PeeButt69.

“Do I look like a player, premium?”

PeeButt69 froze.

“There are no players on this server,” said the little creature. “They’re all dead!”

PeeButt69 stared at the creature with blank demonoid eyes.

“The Static killed everyone in the Haven,” said the little creature. “Now we’re all alone. Won’t you play with us?”

“I’m good,” said PeeButt69 again.

“You’re being a bad friend,” the little creature repeated.

PeeButt69 had enough bad friends already. He turned away --

The little creature bit him. Hard.

“Play with us, now!” the little creature growled.

The creature went in for seconds --

PeeButt69 punted the little bastard.

Cornstalks rustled, then fell to a legion of charging pink monsters, advancing like adorable army ants.

“KILL THE PLAYER!” they chanted. “MAKE HIM SUFFER LIKE THE OTHERS!”

PeeButt69 reached for his guns -- oh wait, PeeButt69 didn’t have guns. Or any weapon for that matter. No weapons meant no powers.

Fight wasn’t an option, so PeeButt69 chose flight, making a mad dash for the path. The pink creatures outpaced him, leaping across corn stalks with snapping jaws.

“KILL HIM!”

Sharp teeth descended from all directions --

A bright flash of green light!

PeeButt69 was out.

Shae was back!

Shae toppled from the path, gasping for breath. Chill tropical air screeched through wind tunnel alleys, rustling his clothes with its icy touch. A full spectrum of rainbow colors threatened to blind him. The scent of rainwater and mold regained dominance over his nostrils. It felt good to feel again.

He glanced at his ankle - the bitemark was gone. Damage fortunately didn’t seem to transfer between servers.

Shae gained a new appreciation for enforcers like Dane. Without their efforts, humanity was doomed.