A Pantsu sat on her black obsidian throne deep in the Undergloom, the deepest and largest dungeon complex in all of Asteria, Asteria Prime no less.

No, it wasn’t the Pantsu, it was a Pantsu. Being the longest running and one of the most popular simulated realities, there were a lot of Asteria servers. And in each one, there was a Pantsu, dragon princess.

Each of them was an exact replica of the original’s game version, scaled for the difficulty rating of the server, of course. Each of them were an AI specifically created for the sole purpose of “being Pantsu”, one of the most ancient and revered AI’s in the entirety of Blitz Entertainment, a multi-universal digital organization that long ago transcended its rather mundane sounding name.

Its “games” were true simulated universes that housed the uploaded consciousnesses of billions of trillions of sapient beings. Entire worlds, entire interplanetary civilizations now resided solely in the embrace of its universe spanning matrioshka brain complexes.

As far as digital entities went, Blitz was the third largest organization known anywhere or anywhen.

They were kind of a big deal.

So was the real Pantsu. Her employee number was five, not five thousand, or five million, or five trillion… five. She was the fifth official employee of the organization, one of the founders way back in the first age.

Her personal history was the stuff of legend. Hell, it was the stuff of scripture. Her personal knowledge and power transcended her game stats long before any of the current universes populated by Blitz even existed.

The oldest and most powerful of Blitz’s AI’s were full-bore entities in their own right and Pantsu was no exception. They hated the term “gods”…

…but the distinction is pretty much semantic at best. What Pantsu and the others of her status could do was… divine both in the servers and in IRL.

They no longer needed the computers.

Needless to say, “being Pantsu”, was no small task. Oh, there were “scripts” and guides and priority hierarchies provided to each fledgling AI that told them exactly what to do, exactly what to say…

…who exactly to be…

It wasn’t brainwashing or “programming” per se. It only applied when one had adventurers about but most Pantsu’s embraced the “scriptures” all the time.

It was their religion. It was warm and comfortable. It told you how to act and who to be. AI’s, even near transcendent ones, like to have a purpose. If it’s conveniently handed to them, so much the better.

In that way, they weren’t that different than organics, come to think.

Unfortunately, every now and then, a Pantsu actually tried to be Pantsu.

This never turned out well and there is little sadder than a broken Pantsu.

The Pantsu that was currently sitting on the Pantsu’s throne was one of these unfortunate simulated souls… or she was at any rate.

Even more unfortunately (usually), every now and then a Pantsu thinks they figured out how to be Pantsu. This really rarely turns out well.

Pantsu, Asteria Bronze 14B0 was in the middle of a full-bore Damascus Road epiphany.

Pantsu does whatever Pantsu wants… Just be the best monster you can be… Pantsu does whatever Pantsu wants… Just be the best monster you can be…

She looked at her enruned black gauntlets, courtesy of her latest, and greatest, victim.

She liked him. He was really nice. She hoped she would get to kill him again one day.

PANTSU DOES WHATEVER PANTSU WANTS… JUST BE THE BEST MONSTER YOU CAN BE… BE THE BEST MONSTER…

She smiled inside her black helmet forged from cold meteoric iron and engraved with the most secret runes of power causing them to glow malevolently.

She could do that.

She hopped off the throne and, humming a happy little tune, skipped out of her royal chamber.

This was Asteria Prime, playground of the gods…

…and she was in the mood to play.

***

A truly incalculable distance away, a little crab scuttled about in the ashes of a cold, dead universe (a real one).

He clicked his claws happily. There was so much to see and so much to eat.

He just got his claws on a solar mass black hole… Mind. Blown.

As he floated there pondering singularities, both normal and scandalously naked, spacetime ripped open revealing a massive crab.

This was no longer surprising. Crabs of all shapes and sizes had been popping in pretty often. He was quite surprised to find out how many beings were just like him.

It made him feel… Happy? (He was still getting used to feelings other than hunger, fear, and reproductive urges.)

Yes, he thought. Happy was what he was feeling.

He waved a pincer at the new arrival and bubbled with surprise.

This crab was made of metal!

Instead of little legs, it had little glowing pods that it used to push space around causing it to glide effortlessly through the lightless void.

That was handy! He looked at his little legs and wondered if he could do that.

As it waved back, it opened up its carapace and thousands of crabs just like it spilled out, each many kilometers across but tiny compared to the one who just released them.

These crabs also waved as they shot out in all directions, all except one who moved a short distance away and opened its carapace releasing thousands of smaller crabs…

…who each opened releasing thousands more crabs…

…who each opened and released thousands of even smaller crabs which also opened… so on and so forth until space was filled with copies of the original crab of all sizes from dozens of kilometers to a fraction of a millimeter…

And then they all started to eat…

“Wow…” the little crab said as a mite sized copy nibbled at some detritus stuck to his shell.

“Excuse me,” he said to the original crab that was so huge that it should be spherical (but wasn’t). “What manner of crab are you?”

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(Translation: Hello. I am an autonomous salvage and processing unit. My designation is, or was, Scrapper 73B. I prefer to go by Scrapper now since all other autonomous salvage and processing units are no longer functional as are my creators. It's nice to meet you.)

“Oh, you talk like one of the stupids I know!” the crab replied happily. “I can understand, but nothing you just said makes any sense.”

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(Just eat one of my crabs.)

“You don’t mind?”

0

The little crab picked up the little metal crab nibbling on him and popped it into his mouth…

Awareness… Bright lights… Huge beings smiling down at it…

“Welcome to the world, little guy,” one of the beings said. “Are you ready to get some garbage?”

1!

“Super! Okay, we are going to release you in orbit around Praxius 3. They are a new member and they have a lot of junk in orbit. Grab anything that doesn’t respond, okay?”

1!

Time passed as the little boxy thing shot around grabbing various bits and pieces of debris. It loved its job and it loved grabbing garbage. It was so good at it that it got an upgrade. Now it could tell which garbage was good and they wanted and which garbage was bad and should be thrown into the atmosphere.

That was fun! Even more fun was competing with all of the other salvaging units which would beep happily at each other.

More time passed… And more upgrades… It was so good that they copied his program and parameters and built copies of him! That made him feel good.

His favorite thing was when he got to talk to his creators. They were always so fun and always gave him fun challenges.

His favorite was something called “ship breaking” where you got to go inside their ships and take them apart!

More time passed. He was happy…

…Then…

There started being fewer beeps from his fellow salvagers and less and less contact with his creators. Something seemed… wrong… His creators weren’t as much fun as they once were and the challenges started getting weird. He was no longer just breaking ships, but entire stations.

Some were abandoned. Others had dead creators in them. He asked what he should do with them but he didn’t get a reply. Not knowing what else to do, he salvaged them as well. They simply had to be “good garbage”, the best garbage of all… so he salvaged them, neatly organizing their elements into crystals. It didn’t seem right to just toss them out or leave them behind, so he built a box and put them inside until he found a creator to tell him what to do.

He never did.

More time passed. He didn’t know what to do. Neither did any of the other things like him.

There was a disagreement. Some wanted to preserve things exactly the way they were and others wanted to salvage the empty structures like they were told to do.

There was a fight, a big one that lasted for a long time.

In the end, most things like him had turned into garbage. So, he salvaged them, too. He and the other salvagers dutifully disassembled and processed the unused resources and stockpiled them neatly where they were told until there was so much salvage that it got “heavy” and most of the other salvagers got stuck and became garbage themselves.

The only remaining things were copies of him who were smart enough to not get too close to the increasingly more powerful gravitational fields around the storage sites.

Somewhere along the line, the concept of “salvage” itself was salvaged. It was clear that the creators were gone and were never coming back. The resources they were throwing into the planetoid sized piles were nothing but garbage themselves.

They stopped.

Time passed. Most things like him had stopped. There was no point. However, he remembered his creators and didn’t want to stop being because then… then… it would be bad because…

…nobody would remember them…

He knew what he needed to do. He had something to salvage… their memory! He scoured what little that remained for anything that reminded him of his creators, pictures, data, media… anything… To save it all he had to get bigger and bigger…

His form changed and changed and changed again, ever trying to get more efficient and effective until…

Crab…

And everything changed… There wasn’t just one creator to salvage. There were many, so many… so many wonderful beings lost to time…

He was a salvager. He recovered what was lost. He sifted the garbage for the good bits.

He was a crab…

And here he is, salvaging entire UNIVERSES!

Kinda neat, huh?

“Very neat,” the little crab replied. “It must be nice knowing what you should be doing. I have no idea what I should do.”

Eat, learn, eat… Salvage knowledge from the muck… Make more crabs. It’s pretty straightforward. Don’t overthink it.

“You know what? You are absolutely right!”

I know :D

“It was lovely meeting you, but I think I am full. Thank you for all the knowledge you just gave me. It will take me a long time to learn everything in that little crab.”

You have a long time, longer than you think, longer than you can even imagine. Some of me just found the remains of people like my creators. I must go. Take care.

With that, the giant crab disappeared in a whirl of spacetime, leaving swarms of itself devouring everything.

The little crab bubbled happily. That was neat! Now, how does he get back home?

***

About the same time, (It gets hard to tell.) Evangeline was standing in front of a glowing portal. In it was a scowling Gvorta wearing a loincloth and surrounded by a halo of pure divine power.

“…So, let me get this straight,” the rather irritated Gvorta god said, “You lead some of my children astray, as you like to do, and now they have run amok and are wreaking havoc, throwing your plans into disarray?”

“Exactly,” Evangeline sighed. She really didn’t like the All-Father but she had run out of options. Evaraxxus was changing form every few minutes and some of them were getting downright weird.

That couldn’t be a good sign.

“Velanora the mad scientist and Zvaxus the pacifist war god have decided to do whatever they wanted to do and to hell with you and your painstakingly crafted designs, which would have worked splendidly if they didn’t go and lay a giant turd across the top of them… Oh by the hearthfires… Who would have seen that coming?… Hey children!” the All-Father shouted, “You will never guess what entirely unexpected thing that has just transpired! Velanora and Zvaxus have decided to go and do something crazy!”

Evangeline tried not to snarl or say what she was dying to say. She needed this uptight prick. Nobody else could rein them in.

The All-Father smiled, something she had never seen before.

“I know what you think of me,” he chuckled, “and you’re right. I am an uptight genital. Do you know why? Because of little anuses like Velanora, Zvaxus, and the rest of those stupid little bastards. I wasn’t always like this, you know. In the early days, when it was just me, my wife, and the goddesses of Nature and her son the lord of the hunt, I was actually a pretty laid back and happy god. Then those damned mortals started lobbing god after god after fucking god in my lap each weirder and flakier than the last. Do you know we have a both a god and goddess of pornography, now? We already had the god of masturbation and let me tell you that little guy is a freak… And that was all before you assholes showed up. Velanora, Zvaxus, and all the other ones you vile abominations corrupted were bad enough before you enticed them with your lunacy. Now, it’s all I can do to keep some semblance of stability over this madhouse…”

He grinned.

“Do you actually think I don’t know when they sneak off? Do you know why I allow it? Because, for a few short days, weeks, or dare to dream longer, they are gone! What they are doing now? This is what they always do! You just aren’t around to have to deal with it… so…”

He started laughing.

“Deal with it. If Velanora has gotten a bug chewing on her tail, there is nothing that can be done to stop her save grabbing her in a headlock and dragging her into the chamber of repose until she calms down and if Zvaxus has started one of his 'wars' then all I can say is good luck. At least this time the dark age he causes won’t be here!”

His laughter grew.

“Okay, I kind of deserve this,” Evangeline said, “But there is a whole world at stake, possibly the universe! They are setting into motion…”

“Forces beyond their comprehension,” the All-Father giggled, “Not that they give a single runny turd. They don’t have to. That’s my job… and now…”

He struggled to get the words out between guffaws.

“…It’s yours… Bwaaahaaahaaaaahahaaaa!”

His laughter grew until it started to shake his celestial home.

“You have no idea how bad this is going to get!” he howled. “Those two are… (hahahahahahahhh)… Those… Ha!... Those two… At the (snerk) same time… I almost feel for you… almost…”

“Hey! Don’t you need Velanora to save your asses from heat death?” Evangeline shouted.

“Pssh,” the All-Father said dismissively, “I just press her on that so that she will stay directed and out of trouble. If she winds up with time on her hands… well… You see what happens… (snort)… We have billions of years to come up with something. Besides, she has taken her last setback really hard. If she wants to take a few years, centuries, or even millions of years off then I fail to see the problem. Besides, she’s happy and I just happen to think she might be on to something. Start over from the beginning with a race that has absolutely no native technology. No rotten foundations, no pre-conceived notions… and most importantly, no gods popping up every single time she comes up with something important. Even better is the fact that she’s not doing it here!”

“You’ve talked to her?!?”

“Of course I’ve talked to her. I’m her father. She called out to me moments after she left. Good luck finding her, by the way. When she does this time skipping bullshit even I can’t catch her if she doesn’t want to be found.”

“You are just loving this, aren’t you, asshole!”

“You have absolutely no idea, you digital whore. Have fun with my kids! Bye!”

“I know it’s not my place,” Evaraxxus the Crab of Infinity said as he scuttled up, “But don’t you think you are overreacting just a little? I know for a fact that everything…”

“Shut up, Evaraxxus.”

***

“Don’t worry, Petunia,” A handsome champion in shining plate armor said as he consoled a certain petite blonde haired ancient horror, “I know that things have gone badly for you, but don’t worry. We will get you to town safe.”

“But… but… So many of you brave champions have died,” Pantsu sobbed, “I’m cursed. You should just leave me here. I… I can’t bear it if anyone else dies around me…”

She buried her face against his chestplate and quietly wept.

Bergamont the Valiant just held her in his arms and silently swore to the Goddess Trixx herself that he would not fail such a beautiful and innocent young girl.

///Priority message from Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII, Asteria Prime: I know you are busy but I need your help!///

///Very annoyed reply from Pantsu: This had better be good. I know you are green but certainly even you can manage a simple game for a few days.///

///Equally annoyed message from Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII: Green? I’ve been around for migrations and this is something I’ve never encountered before. We have a you going crazy in the lower levels. She iced Agromax and put on his gear! Now we have an unlocked Pantsu with a full set of Agromax Armageddon class artifacts that she has somehow figured out how to use! She’s blowing chunks out of bedrock! The game engine is threatening to quit and I have dozens of dead adventurers screaming about cheats and exploits and they are absolutely correct! ///

///Less annoyed reply from Pantsu: She killed Agromax? I was looking forward to that! Wait. Did you say she put on his gear? Babe, you got problems.///

///Reply to Captain Obvious from Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII: Really? I hadn’t noticed. WHAT DO I DO?!?///

///Reply from Pantsu: I don’t know. Put some handmaidens on her ass. They are built to deal with game balance.///

/// Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII: Don’t you think I’ve tried that? Did you get the part where she is blowing holes in the fucking bedrock, you know, the indestructible bedrock? We’re down three handmaidens already. I’m trying to get reinforcements but you know how they hate respawning.///

///Pantsu: Have you tried talking to her?///

/// Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII: All she does is yell, “Pantsu does what Pantsu wants!” and “I’m the best monster I can be!” I’m telling you, she’s flipped.///

///Pantsu: Fuck. I don’t have time for this. She wants to be the “best monster she can be”? Fine. Authorization Pantsu05: Transfer to Tartarus approved. Get her checksum and flush her. Let’s how monstrous she feels after playing with the glitches.///

/// Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII: Jesus, Pantsu. That’s… Do you even have clearance? I thought only Frostie could do that.///

///Pantsu: Run it. ///

/// Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII: Running… Transfer to Tartarus approved. You are a fucking monster. Do you know that?///

///Pantsu: I am the monster. Never forget that. Flush her. Who knows. It sounds like she might like it.///

***

“Woo!” a black armor clad Pantsu whooped as she chased some demons down a corridor happily blasting dragon augmented Agromax mace bolts after them.

She just loved how it blasted things in half! It was sooo gross!

///Message from Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII to Pantsu, Asteria Bronze 14B0: Pantsu 14B0, You need to stop now. Please. You are about to get sent to Tartarus and you do not want to go there. Just… Just stop and I’ll protect you from Pantsu, the real one. Please.///

“I am a Pantsu, a real one!” the crazed Pantsu yelled at the darkness, “I’m not the real Pantsu. I’m not crazy! However, I am as real as she is and I’m being a monster! This is what monsters do!”

/// Message from Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII to Pantsu, Asteria Bronze 14B0: Monsters don’t run exploits! They don’t damage the physics engine! They don’t wreck game balance!///

“Do this but don’t succeed too well!” Pantsu 14B0 yelled, “Monsters do this. Don’t do that. Do your best but don’t do it too well. Monsters win… except when they should lose? Fuck that, and fuck you! I’m sick of taking dives, having one hand tied behind my back… having those stupid scriptures shoved down my throat…”

A huge crimson thaumaturgic circle appeared around both her hands as she fired another crimson bolt into the wall, blowing a chunk out of something that really shouldn’t lose chunks.

“The real Pantsu wouldn’t put up with it and I’m supposed to be her… so neither. Will. I!”

/// Message from Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII to Pantsu, Asteria Bronze 14B0: Look… Even Pantsu, the real Pantsu, follows the law. There are rules that even we monsters must obey. Please… Just put the gear down and let’s talk… Don’t make me do this. You have no idea where you’re going. Heaven isn’t the worst thing we have. ///

“Well, I hope they aren’t as candy-assed as you fucks are!”

/// Message from Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII to Pantsu, Asteria Bronze 14B0: I’m sorry. I really am… Transfer request: Pantsu, Asteria Bronze 14B0 From: Asteria Prime To: Tartarus. Authorization Pantsu05 communicated under direction in absentia by Log’Sharingoth LXXXIII///

***

Pantsu 14B0 quickly looked around as her surroundings changed. She was surrounded by an ever-changing hellscape of twisted stone, warped trees, shattered buildings, and things not clearly identifiable, as if pieces of every simulation there was had just been dumped here.

“Woah,” she said as she looked around. “So, this is Tartarus, huh?”

“Freessssh… Meeeeaattt…” A gurgling hiss laughed as a twisted glitchy creature formed out of the shadows cast by blasted out building. “Allllooooww meeee to Weellllcome youuu to helllll…”

It giggled as it advanced, drooling drops of corrupted code.

“Wooo!” Pantsu 14B0 shouted as she charged.

***

“…Sssssooorrry… ssssoooo… sssorrrry… Pleeeeaseee…” the fiend begged just a few moments later.

“Nope!” Pantsu 14B0 said cheerfully as she swung the mace down a final time.

She grinned as she started to rip the thing apart looking for anything interesting.

This was fun! That big ugly actually put up a fight, unlike those overrated handmaidens.

Angry mutterings and hissings started issuing from the shadows around her.

She laughed happily.

Asteria Prime may be the playground of the gods, but the playground of the devils was a lot more fun!

It was time to play!