On an absolutely perfect beach, a crab glumly sat on the sand as it watched two people who knew all of the truly awful things he did…

But were happy despite it all.

In fact, they seemed to be having a wonderful day. They got into another one of those weird fights in the surf, went out into the ocean and swam about for a little while (and weren’t hunting for food), and did a lot of other pointless stuff.

But then again, everything was pointless in the end, wasn’t it?

A comfortingly familiar sensation started to intrude on his ever-deepening existential crisis.

He was hungry.

It was pointless, eating, but at least it was normal.

He took a break from watching the two strange people and used his newfound abilities to look for some little food.

He felt a brief flicker of happiness. Some of his favorite little food was nearby. He would not have normally been able to know where it was, nor would it have been nearby… before.

However, both of those things were now true.

It bubbled a little. At least there were some benefits to his unwelcome transformation.

Moving his little crabby legs was pointless and completely unnecessary, as it turned out.

He moved towards his feast.

At least he could enjoy a tasty snack while he waited for everything to end.

***

The adventurer’s guild in the fortress city of Raven’s Peak was crowded with adventurers. However, its usually rowdy, bawdy, and somewhat intoxicated atmosphere was replaced by murmurs of anger, confusion, and something never before felt in that richly decorated hall…

Anxiety.

Adventurers still postured and flexed, but behind their helms and underneath their hoods and witches’ hats, their eyes didn’t have quite the confidence they once had.

Something was killing them.

Did the Demon King send new bosses, or was it what everyone was starting to fear…

Gankers…

The hall fell silent as an elderly man in golden mail entered, holding five missions. Silently he walked to the mission board and solemnly pinned them in the position of highest difficulty…

Legendary…

“May I have your attention, please,” he said with a voice heavy with sadness and dread. “We have confirmed the worst. The adventurer’s guild in Adventurer’s Haven, Newbhold, and the Elven grove of Happyelf have all been destroyed…”

The hall broke out in shouts of pain and outrage.

“Any champions present, or who attempted to join in the defense…”

The elderly man choked back tears.

“…have… have been killed…”

Cries of anguish and enraged shouts demanding (and promising) vengeance rang out.

“The victims have been identified… as best as we could… and their names have been entered in the rolls of the honored. But, unfortunately… (cough)… due to…”

A single tear courageously trickled down the man’s ruggedly handsome face, no small feat for a single tear to pull off but damned if it didn’t do it.

“…Due to the number of champions who have fallen… There will be some delay in inscribing their names and their feats in the garden of honor… Especially since new slabs will have to be quarried… But rest assured that they will all be rendered the appropriate honors.”

His eyes, burning with justice, pain, and anger, flared as he gestured to the five fiends whose images were grinning malevolently from the posters behind him.

“Despite their power and the pure evil of their actions,” he said as he pointed at the posters, “They made a single, fatal mistake. They failed to kill the guild staff and, more importantly, the local guildmasters! They were able to appraise the fiends!”

He paused a moment to collect himself.

“My fellow adventurers,” he said gravely, “Our worst fears have been confirmed. They are… gankers.”

The room exploded in outrage.

“What’s worse, we believe they have developed some way to disguise themselves or otherwise defeat appraisal. They were only identified as level one when they struck Adventurer’s Haven and, while have been leveling unnaturally quickly, have done so in accordance with the amount of expee they have accrued as a result of their dastardly betrayal. Everything we know is on the mission pages. Unfortunately, it is not much, but it is evident that the classes they were appraised at are NOT what they actually are… unless a druid can punch someone’s head off or a wizard can eviscerate a gold-ranked warrior with her bare hands. Any who choose to seek these fiends out be warned, not only do they have skills and abilities not consistent with their classes and levels, they have had access to the equipment of every champion they have killed. Consider them legendary class and OP.”

An assistant stepped forward with a small case.

“We can only assume that these gankers have, like others before, entered into the service of the Demon King and seek to destroy all that we have accomplished. They must be stopped before they plunge the entire realm into darkness! They may be the greatest threat this realm has ever known, and any who seek to stop them will face dire peril…”

He opened the case and withdrew a scroll.

“The most challenging quest must have the greatest reward,” he said. “The champion who brings down these loathsome gankers will be given the entire kingdom of Asteria to rule as their own. They will be offered the hand of either the prince or the princess and be recognized as the next true heir to the throne!”

The room broke out in murmurs and whispers.

“Choose your parties carefully, good champions, and may the goddess Trixx smile upon you all.”

The old man strode from the room.

As the doors closed behind him, his grave and solemn expression was replaced by an evil smile.

This was about to get fun.

***

On a sunny beach, one very ugly and one breathtakingly beautiful humanoid walked, naked, hand in hand, followed by a very poofy little dog thing that bounced along happily after them.

“What is that thing?” the ape-man asked.

“Mister Barkley?” Frostie asked, “Oh, just a pet.”

A stick appeared in her hand, and she threw it a few dozen meters ahead of them.

Mister Barkley tore off across the beach after it.

“How old is that thing?”

“Oh, pretty old,” Frostie smiled, “I’ve had it quite a while.”

“You have doorbells more complicated than Mister Barkley.”

“Sometimes simplicity is best,” Frostie smiled, “Mister Barkley is perfect just the way he is… Aren’t you?”

Mister Barkley dropped the stick at Frostie’s feet and bounced up and down, barking happily.

A bottle of oil appeared in her hand.

“Here,” she said, “I don’t want to get sunburned.”

“I’ve seen you take a gamma-ray burst to the chest,” The Great Erectus chuckled. “I think you are safe.”

“It’s not the protection,” Frostie smiled, “It’s the application of the protection…”

“Ohhhhh…” the hominid said, “Well… We can’t have you getting sunburned, can we?”

The crab would have been mystified if he had been paying attention, which he wasn’t.

He had reached his goal, the pinnacle of small food… little round things!

They were so good!

He quickly dug down to them and started stuffing his face.

He loved snail eggs…

If he could have blinked in surprise, he would have.

They were eggs! So, that’s what they were.

He eagerly tucked into his eggs and bubbled with delight.

Each egg, each single morsel of which there were hundreds, was a mouthful of knowledge.

They were from a snail. They were from a Gelcone snail.

They normally burrowed just beyond the surf but came in to lay their eggs! They…

He slowed down, savoring each morsel. He knew about their life. He knew about their shells. He knew about how they made their shells. He knew…

He knew so much!

His divine mope forgotten, he munched and munched again. Yes, it would all end one day. But today, the sun was warm, the food was good, and there was so much to learn.

Was that it?

Was that all there was?

Was that all he was?

And, if so, was that truly a bad thing?

Was that why the two beings were able to be happy? Was pointless swimming, weird fights, and funny noises (especially when they were fighting) all there was for them? More importantly, was that enough?

Polishing off the last egg and knowing far more about Gelcone snails than was practical (but fun to know), he moved off in search of the two beings again.

If there was more than just this, then he simply had to know.

Everything was going to end one day, but not today. In the meantime, there was so much to learn!

He might as well get started.

As he silently divine-scooted across the sand, he stopped.

It was a Gelcone snail shell!!!

He stopped and marveled at it, the layers of minerals, the patterning, the efficient shape…

And the nacre!

His mouthparts quivered. He would like to know more about nacre.

Deciding that the weird beings could wait a little bit, he tucked in.

***

The guildmaster of Raven’s Peak entered his private chambers and magically locked the doors.

He raised his hands, and a column of extremely tacky black flames appeared.

He knelt.

“I have done as you commanded, master,” he said.

“Excellent,” a bubbling voice gurgled happily. “This will prove to be quite diverting.”

“Master?” the guildmaster asked, “May I ask a question?”

“Certainly,” the voice bubbled, “What do you want to know, Brixx?”

“Is this ganker truly F10w3rchy1d?”

“Almost certainly,” the voice replied, “I would be both very shocked and very disappointed if it wasn’t.”

“She is second only to her,” Brixx said, “Is this not the height of peril… and forgive me… folly?”

The voice laughed.

“This is why I keep you around, Brixx,” the voice gurgled, “You both know your place and have the balls to say such things. Just take care to stay clear of that monster yourself. Allow her to think that her plan is succeeding.”

“But she will wipe out all of the cattle.”

“And it will be a most pleasant feast when she delivers them to me,” the voice chuckled wetly, “However, they will be nothing compared to dining on her succulent flesh… that and those lesser ones she has brought with her. It is more than dozens of worlds! The power and knowledge I will gain is worth than the truly infinitesimal risk.”

“Master,” Brixx said, “if the knowledge you have gifted me is accurate…”

“Don’t forget, Brixx,” the voice gurgled, “Nixx is the fix. This game is rigged, and so is my realm. This is a game she simply cannot win. She thinks she holds all the cards, but I hold the jokers. She and her party will deliver themselves into my maw, and then we shall retreat while I digest and grow. With what she will give me, I will be able to stand against her, and instead of worlds, we shall harvest galaxies… and then entire universes. Don’t concern yourself, Brixx. Just do as I say. The fix is in.”

“And what of the traitor, Trixx?”

“She matters not,” the voice gurgled, “let F10w3rchy1d think all is well. After she is slain, I shall deal with Trixx and give what is left to you, my loyal slave.”

“Thank you, Master… May I be permitted one more query?”

“Of course.”

“Why offer Asteria as a prize?”

“If she is so brash as to go by Evangeline, then I shall return the favor,” the voice chuckled darkly. “Let’s see if her bravery holds if she believes that I know she is on to me. There is also another reason. It is a very rich prize, but it is one that will be very hard to share. This will entice the cattle to go after her individually or in small parties, not simply form a giant army. They would likely still fall, but why leave it to chance? Besides, it’s more fun this way.”

“Again,” Brixx said carefully, “My duty requires me to observe that if she is truly as dangerous as you believe, wouldn’t it be best to strike when she is unawares, with all of the force we can muster? Wouldn’t it be best to simply gate her into your trap alone and then devour her companions one at a time?”

“You worry too much,” the voice gurgled, “I won’t jinx it, but we both know how… difficult… it will be for them to win. Besides, there are only five of them.”

***

Deep in the forests on the northern edge of the northernmost kingdom, a very young-looking dragonlet in green fatigues and the cutest green beret crouched in the undergrowth next to a forest elf.

“There they are,” the elf whispered. “the tree killers.”

“Yep,” Pantsu replied, “Definitely a logging camp.”

“They send vile men into our home and murder entire groves,” the elf said, choking back tears, “And then they… they… hack off the limbs… and… and…”

“It’s okay,” Pantsu said gently, “You don’t have to say more.”

“We’ve tried to stop them, but they just send soldiers and… and…”

“Mmm-hmm,” Pantsu said as she pulled out a set of binoculars. “Well, we’re here to do something about that… Basic earthworks… wooden walls… a few watchtowers… some barracks… probably less than one hundred men total…”

She looked over at the distressed elf.

“This will be cake,” she smiled.

“If we begin to prevail,” the elf said, “champions will appear, and then…”

“And then the fun really begins,” Pantsu grinned.

***

In the town of Bill’s Town, the guildhall burst into riotous activity as the guild secretary came out of the office, and everyone pushed and jostled to get in a good position to snatch quests.

However, she only carried five quests.

The near-riot stopped as she solemnly walked over to the never used “Legendary” board and pinned up five posters.

“Attention, please,” she said as everyone fell into a murmuring near silence. “These are true legendary quests against the greatest threat the realm has ever known. However, due to the urgency of the crisis and the overpowered nature of the traitors, guild rating limitations are suspended. Any adventurer can try to complete the quest.”

The room all rushed towards the board.

“Champions! Please!” the secretary shouted over the din, “This quest is unlimited. As many people can try to claim the prize as desired. Please leave these posters intact. There are copies at the guild desk.”

Everyone charged the guild desk, overwhelming the poor clerks.

Everyone, that is, except for one party sitting in the corner.

“Are you not intrigued, Goblin Flayer?” a burly Salamanderperson asked.

“They aren’t goblins,” Goblin Flayer replied.

He paused as everyone looked at him.

“In fact,” he said, “Elf, you wanted to travel, show me the world?”

“Yes!” a purple-haired elf woman exclaimed happily.

“I think I would like to see the world,” he said, “the part of it as far away from… that… as possible.”

***

A perfect sunset lit a perfect beach on a nearly perfect world.

“The novelty of nudity has waned,” Frostie said as a swimsuit and wrap appeared around her.

“Speak for yourself,” The Great Erectus said.

“Yes, but you are always naked,” Frostie laughed, taking his arm. “To be honest, I found the robe quite surprising… and more than a little enticing.”

A bathrobe appeared around the hominid with an audible “fwumph,” causing Frostie to laugh.

A short distance away and seemingly unbeknownst to the two, a small crab stalked the pair.

He had had quite the fun day, actually.

He had learned about so many different things!

Shells were fun! So were the weird bits of big food that made them. He had even found some shells with their food still in them. He didn’t care for big food, so he left them alone…

However, he couldn’t help giving some of them a harmless little lick before he did.

He looked over at the two people.

He bubbled with confusion.

Why would they regrow their shells only to tear them off again?

As confusing as they were, that meant that their shells were just lying there…

And you could learn so much from shells.

While they were distracted by another of their fights, he silently crept forward.

He examined the shells carefully.

There was the same big white shell he nibbled on before and the shells from the other one.

He decided to try the other shell this time.

He took a bite.

1010101010000100101010111101001010101010100101010101010010100101010100101000100101010101010101001010….11010101010010101001010101001….

Woah…

***

As the sun set, five evil gankers made camp.

“I just love this tent!” Veelanora exclaimed as she stroked the side. “How is it so much bigger on the inside than it is on the outside?”

“Just how long have you been a tech goddess again?” Evangeline chuckled as she and Zvaxus cooked supper on a magical stove.

Faun stepped out of the bathroom.

“Well, at least it has a shower,” she said, “I finally got all the blood off.”

“Why don’t you just, you know, poof it away?” Evangeline asked.

“Because I don’t know how to do that!” Faun snapped, “Forgive me for not being used to being constantly bathed in blood!”

“You’re not still mad about that, are you?” Evangeline snickered

“Mad about the fact that you lied to me?”

“We haven’t killed anyone yet,” Evangeline replied, “We’ve just liberated some poor misguided souls and more than a few assholes and deleted some bots. They don’t count.”

“You are a butthole, you know that?”

“That observation has been made more than once over the aeons,” Evangeline smiled, “If you hate it so much, why don’t you just go home?”

“Because I don’t know where home is!!!”

“Sucks to suck, doesn’t it?” Evangeline snerked.

“Oh, sit on the stove,” Faun grumbled.

“If you truly want out,” Evangeline said as she examined a noodle. It wasn’t done. “You can always bail and go play chess with Trixx. She’ll put you up, no problem.”

Evangeline looked up.

“Do you want out?” she asked.

“No…” Faun grumbled, “This world needs help, and you need my ability to commune with nature and my ability to heal this world once we’re done. Besides…”

“Still pissed off about that dryad we found?”

Faun’s hands turned into diamond-hard and razor-sharp hooves.

“We will find that fiend tomorrow, right?”

“Pretty sure,” Evangeline smiled. “How’s the sauce coming, Zvaxus?”

“It’s getting there,” he said as he sampled it again. “It isn’t proper gvarr, but it’s as close as I can get.”

“Smells awesome!” Evangeline smiled. “That’s the nice thing about being a meatie. Food is just so much better.”

“Hey,” Veelanora said as she was plaiting yet more hair into rope, “Where’s Flopsybun?”

“He said that he was going to go get some air,” Faun replied as she poured herself some tea.

“Heh… ‘air’…” Evangeline snerked to herself.

“OHMYGOD!!! Guys!” Flopsybun exclaimed as he burst into the tent, his pants missing. “You HAVE to try this!!!”