On a warm sunlit beach, a little crab stirred just under the surface.

As it slowly returned to consciousness, it pondered all that it had learned…

And understood almost none of it.

For example, it was buried under a layer of silicon dioxide particles. What did that even mean?

It idly filtered the granules through its mouthparts, sifting out little food, which was a mix of algae, bacteria, protists (little not-animal thingies), detritus, and all manner of other things.

Interesting, to be sure, but hardly enlightening. What was far more interesting was that he could now “know” where little food was even when it was much farther away. For example, there was a nice rich patch a little bit down the beach.

Fully awake, it cheerfully popped up out of the sand and started scuttling off towards the little food.

Maybe he would find some new things to learn about.

***

“Aside from everything looking a little funny,” Veelanora said as they strolled down an entirely too even and mud free dirt road, “It seems like a nice place.”

“You are mistaken, wise Veelanora,” Faun replied, “This is a dismal place. The land weeps and has lost so much life. I look forward to wringing it from Ni—”

She was cut short by “Evangeline’s” hand covering her mouth.

“Would you stop that!” Faun snapped.

“Would you stop saying stupid shit?” Evangeline replied. “Don’t say his name. There are bots everywhere!”

“Maybe you shouldn’t call them ‘bots’ then,” Faun snarked.

“That’s different!” Evangeline huffed.

“How?”

“Because it isn’t his name!” Evangeline snapped. “Must I explain everything, noob?”

Evangeline strode ahead in irritation.

“Butthead…” Faun muttered under her breath.

“I heard that,” Evangeline called out from the front of the party.

“So, what are we going to do once we reach town?” Flopsybun asked.

“We will head to the adventurer’s guild, just like we are supposed to,” Evangeline smiled, “and start wrecking shit like we are not supposed to.”

“But, no killing, right?” Faun asked.

“Oh, absolutely,” Evangeline replied.

She paused.

“That reminds me,” she said as she reached into her hair and pulled out a bedbug.

(( 😊 ))

Evangeline’s eyes flashed rapidly for a few seconds.

(( Download Complete ))

“You know what to do, little guy?”

(( o7 ))

The tiny mote of light flew into the air and split into two.

The two split into four… then eight… then sixteen… then thirty-two…

Soon the air around Evangeline was filled with swarming dividing motes doubling in number every few seconds.

Then, they shot off, still dividing, in all directions.

“Were those all that bedbug thing?” Faun asked.

“Yup,” Evangeline grinned. “This realm now has a bedbug infestation. You don’t want your realm infested with bedbugs.”

A bedbug landed on Veelanora, who quickly seized it.

(( :p ))

“Is this one a little bigger than the one you used earlier?”

“Good eye,” Evangeline said. “It’s engorged with code and a bit more energy. I fed it a special breakfast.”

(( hehe ))

The bedbug sniffed at Veelanora and flew off again at nearly the speed of light.

“By the time we reach town,” Evangeline said, “Everyone will have their own little special friend.”

“What do they do?” Zvaxus asked.

“A bunch of stuff,” Evangeline replied, “Among other things, they will let us track, evaluate, and spy on adventurers, natives, bots, and everything else. I just installed cameras across the entire fucking planet.”

“That’s cheating!” Veelanora laughed.

“Goddamn right it is,” Evangeline replied. “When the game is rigged, the only thing to do is to out cheat the cheater.”

Evangeline closed her eyes and smiled.

“They little guys are already working,” she said smugly. “We are two miles from the town of… (sigh)… Adventurer’s Haven… Population: one hundred and twenty-eight civilians, eight bots, and thirty-seven adventurers. Not a bad place to get started. Come on, let’s go and meet our fellow adventurers and say hello.”

***

On a warm sunlit beach, a little crab was happily scuttling along when it noticed something nearby.

It was another crab. More precisely, it was what was left of another crab.

He approached the bleached shell fragments and poked at them curiously.

It was a crab, then it became big food, then little food, and then no food. It was now both not a crab and still a crab.

Weird.

He poked at it again.

What made him a crab and that thing not a crab anymore?

He picked up a bit of the shell.

He hesitated. He wondered why. He distinctly remembered that before whatever happened to him happened to him, he often fought over big food and would eat any big food, even if it was another crab.

It didn’t matter then. So why did it matter now?

His antennae wiggled with agitation. He wanted to know…

There was only one way to do that.

He raised the bit of shell to his mouth and took a bite.

***

Evangeline looked around the perfect storybook town they had just entered.

“Well, isn’t this just…”

“An anime?” Flopsybun asked.

“Shut up,” Evangeline grumbled.

“Greetings, adventurers!” an old man standing behind a tidy little produce stand displaying perfect fruits and vegetables lined up in perfect rows. “Would you like to purchase some fruit, maybe a nice apple? I also have some healwort to use in potions.”

“No, thank you,” Faun said politely.

“Are you looking for the adventurer’s guild?” the old man asked helpfully.

“We know where it is,” Evangeline said with a malicious smile as she led the party away.

“Kind adventurers,” a young woman called as she rushed up, “Please help me! You must help me!”

“What’s wrong?” Faun asked with concern.

“Nope!” Evangeline said as she pulled at Faun, “We’re on a schedule here. No side quests!”

“But my baby is lost in the woods!”

“Then you should have been more careful with it,” Evangeline replied.

“But… my baby…”

“Fl… Evangeline, we have to help her!” Faun exclaimed.

“Tell us what happened?” Zvaxus asked urgently.

“I… I was out gathering herbs to make medicine for my sick mother when…”

Evangeline facepalmed. She saw where this was going.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Evangeline said, cutting her short. “Quick question. Exactly how many times have you misplaced your child?”

“…um…”

“How many times this month?”

“Um…”

“Is the answer more than once?”

The young woman looked down.

“How often is your mother sick?”

“She is very frail!” the young woman exclaimed defensively.

“Let’s go, guys,” Evangeline said as she walked away, “the kid is fine.”

“No!” the woman exclaimed, chasing after them, “My baby is missing! She’s…”

“Evangeline…” Faun said with big doe eyes.

Evangeline looked back at the rest of her party.

They all looked back with big eyes and concerned expressions.

“Shit,” Evangeline grumbled, “Fine. We’ll find your baby.”

“Oh, thank you!” the young woman cried, “I was in the enchanted glade just outside…”

“Right after we cure your sick mother,” Evangeline smiled. “Take us to her.”

“Wha?”

“Your sick mother,” Evangeline replied, “I would like to meet her.”

“Th-there isn’t time!” the young woman cried, “The woods are full of…”

“Then you had better take us to your mother quickly,” Evangeline replied, “Because until we diagnose her, we aren’t doing shit.”

“But my baby!”

“Bye,” Evangeline replied as she walked off, “Come on, guys. If she actually was worried about her kid, she would be at the guild crying and begging for help. Instead, she is lurking at the edge of town looking for suckers, which we aren’t. It’s either some bandits looking for noobs, a ganker, or some shitty side quest… Hang on… I’ll tell you which one…”

She closed her eyes for a second while the woman looked at her uncertainly.

“Oh… my mistake…” Evangeline said sardonically, “It is a real crisis and not twelve mid-level bandits, one of which is your husband. Come on, guys. Let’s go murder them, especially the blonde-headed one with the blue dragon tattoo.”

“Wait!!!” the young woman cried.

“Too late,” Evangeline grinned, “Let’s go save a baby!”

The young woman screamed and threw herself at Evangeline, who caught her by the neck and lifted her into the air.

“Gurgle…”

“You are the one keeping the loot, right?”

“Gurgle…”

“Our time is valuable, and you wasted it,” Evangeline said, lifting her a little higher while she flailed her feet helplessly, “We should be compensated, don’t you think?”

“Gurgle…”

Evangeline set her back down. The woman fell to her knees, clutching at her throat.

Evangeline grabbed her by her long chestnut hair and lifted her to her feet. Then she twisted her hand.

“Aieee!”

“Let’s go see what you have,” Evangeline smiled.

“Thieves… guild… get… you…”

“Sure they will.”

***

“That was fun!” Evangeline exclaimed as they stepped out of an alleyway with a big sack full of coins. “Faun, I apologize. Helping that poor woman wasn’t a waste of time after all.”

Faun stepped out of the alley miserably.

“I know she intended to do us a mischief, but…”

Veelanora stepped out with a long skein of beautiful chestnut hair bound with a bit of twine.

“What?” Veelanora asked. “This is some premium fiber here!” she said happily as she tucked it into her robe. “I’m going to make some nice cord with it! I even like the color!”

“I do think that taking all of her clothes was a bit much, though,” Zvaxus said as he walked out carrying a large bundle on his shoulder.

“It’s warm,” Evangeline shrugged. "She'll be fine."

“Why do I have to be the one who pulls the wagon?” Flopsybun asked as he exited the alley pulling a cart laden with all sorts of goods.

“Because you need the workout,” Evangeline replied.

“But, did you have to take her hair?” Faun asked, “You made her cry.”

“It will grow back,” Evangeline said, “Besides, Veelanora really wanted it. Seriously, what is your deal with fiber?”

“If you must know,” Veelanora replied, “The mastery of fiber and rope was far more significant than the development of fire, which gets all the good press. With rope, early civilization was able to…”

“Veelanora,” Zvaxus moaned, “I’m begging you. Please don’t start. Rope was way more important than fire. Any fool knows that… right guys?” he asked, looking at the group pleadingly.

“Oh yes!” Evangeline exclaimed with a bit too much conviction. “Absolutely! I’m team rope all the way!”

“Me too!” Flopsybun added with terrified eyes.

Veelanora looked at all of them suspiciously for a moment and then brightened up.

“I’m glad you all agree!” she said happily as everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

***

On a warm beach, a small crab squatted at the water’s edge and looked out over the ocean.

Life… death… crab… not crab…

Crabness…

What did it all mean?

The more knowledge he ate, the more questions he had.

Crabs are born, they eat, they fight, and they eat each other. If they are lucky, they make more crabs…

Then they die and become food…

Then more crabs are born…

They eat, and they fight…

He issued a bubbly sigh.

He wanted to know what it was to be a crab. But was that it?

Was that all there was to being a crab?

Was that all there was to him?

He felt a new feeling…

And he didn’t like it at all.

***

“That was strangely convenient,” Zvaxus said as the party walked out of the adventurer’s guild cashier’s office. “Who would have guessed that we could just sell all of that loot here with absolutely no delay AND get all that money changed to far less bulky high denomination coins?”

“And check out their store!” Veelanora exclaimed, “how does such a small location maintain an inventory of such expensive items?”

“Because he still doesn’t know the first thing about proper game design,” Evangeline scoffed, “This is the sort of stupid garbage you see in a low-end RPG.”

“RPG?” Faun asked.

“The bullshit we are stuck in right now,” Evangeline replied. “a poorly designed rigged game.”

She shrugged.

“But, if he was a decent designer, we wouldn’t be here in the first place. Let’s go grab a drink and scope out our marks… I mean fellow adventurers, before we go shopping.”

***

“Well, this is nice,” Faun said as a buxom barmaid set down a mug for each of them at the small table they occupied.

“Mmm-hmm…” Evangeline said, looking around.

“I don’t like the look those guys over there are giving us,” Zvaxus replied. “We should…”

“I can’t BELIEVE how much money we just made!” Evangeline exclaimed loudly. “And it’s our very FIRST DAY here! I am SO lucky that I met all of you other NEW GUYS so soon! I just know we will become GREAT adventurers and DEFEAT the DEMON KING with the power of our newfound FRIENDSHIP!”

Zvaxus and Veelanora winced while Flopsybun and Faun looked at Evangeline curiously.

“By the Father!” Zvaxus hissed. “Evangeline, what are you doing?”

“Whatever do you mean?” Evangeline asked innocently. “The drinks are on me, my new friends!” she exclaimed loudly, “With all of the great gear we will be able to buy with all of this money, I’m sure we will reach level two in no time!!!”

“Oh,” Zvaxus sighed, “I know what you are doing… Father forsake all…”

“What is she doing?” Faun asked.

“Well, hello there,” a handsome man wearing ornate armor said as he approached, accompanied by a curvaceous elven woman in a low-cut robe holding a staff and a burly dwarf holding a comically large hammer covered with impractical embellishments.

“Hi!” Evangeline exclaimed cheerfully, “Are you guys adventurers, too?”

“Allow me to introduce myself,” the dashing young man smiled as the other adventurers in the hall either looked away or watched with unfriendly sneers. “I am Rache Battleborn, level 50 War Knight.”

“Wow!” Evangeline said, falling over herself as she rose to greet him. “Level 50!”

“And I am Shandarra, level 48 Mystic Sorcerer,” the elven woman purred as Faun glared at her.

“And I be Sturg Stronghammer, level 51 Dwarven Hammerlord,” the dwarf bellowed.

“Only because you got that lucky shot in on that last dragon,” Rache grumbled.

“Golly!” Evangeline gushed as Zvaxus facepalmed, “I am just tickled to meet all of you. I’m Evangeline, level one assassin. We just got here.”

“We can see that,” Rache sneered. “I can see that you have all just joined the guild…”

“Yeppers!” Evangeline enthused as she pulled out a small clay amulet. “We are now officially mud rated! We just can’t wait to get started on quests!”

“It was nice meeting all of you,” Zvaxus said politely, “but we were having a private conversation, and you should all leave us to it.”

“Well, that isn’t very friendly,” Rache said with an ugly gleam in his eye, “and we all want to be friends, don’t we?”

“Friendship is my special ability!” Evangeline bubbled, “I want to be friends with everyone… especially you, Rache.”

Zvaxus started downing his beer. It was good, and he wanted to finish it.

“That’s wonderful,” Rache smiled. “Do you know what friends do?” he asked.

“What?” Evangeline asked, looking at him with big innocent eyes.

“They share,” he purred.

“They do!” Evangeline bubbled, “Are you going to share something with me?”

“Nay, lass,” the dwarf grinned, “You are going to share something with us.”

“I am?”

“Your gold,” the elf sneered, “It’s not safe for such low-level characters to carry around so much money. You are liable to get attacked the moment you leave town. You should give that to us for safekeeping.”

“Wow…” Evangeline said, “I hadn’t thought about that…” she said as she reached for her coin pouch.

“And did any of you receive any magic items from the goddess when she sent you here?” Rache asked. “Those may be too high level for you. We should examine them.”

“M…my sword?” Evangeline asked, “But the goddess said it was special… just for me… I don’t think I want to share that.”

“Give me the sword,” Rache said in a far less friendly voice.

“Ooookay…” Evangeline smiled, “Since you asked…”

***

”YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE NO KILLING!!!” Faun shrieked as she stood protectively in front of the terrified guild staff huddled in the corner of the room now splashed with blood and littered with various parts of former adventurers and their rapidly dissolving familiars. “YOU PROMISED!!!”

“I meant that figuratively,” Evangeline shrugged as something moist detached from the ceiling and fell between them with a wet “splat”.

“Figuratively!?!” Faun yelled as she looked in horror at her blood-soaked hands.

There was a bit of brain between her knuckles… and several headless bodies around her… with a couple embedded in the wall.

Things might have gotten out of hand.

“How do you figuratively not kill someone?!?” Faun screamed as what might be a spleen slowly slid down one of the still intact windows, “They look pretty dead to me!!!”

***

Rache Battleborn landed in an ungainly sprawl on the pavement, badly skinning his knee.

My armor should have…

He looked down and gasped in horror.

He was standing in the middle of a street in his hometown… wearing the fast-food restaurant uniform that he was wearing just before that girl…

“Hey, slacker!” a horrifyingly familiar voice shouted behind him. “Your break ended one minute and thirty seconds ago! Get run over on your own time! Back to work!”

Mitsuki, formerly Rache Battleborn, level 50 War Knight, now once again Mitsuki, part timer, looked down at his skinny arms and stained shirt with a smiling chicken on the front…

He fell to his knees.

“Nooooooooooooooo!”

“Those trousers are coming out of your pay!” the voice behind him barked.

***

“So, you see,” Evangeline said as she wiped her face with a miraculously clean rag behind the bar, “we didn’t actually kill anybody. If anything, we just saved them.”

“So that’s why the bedbugs were so fat!” Veelanora exclaimed as she cut off the long green hair of a scantily clad rogue (It wasn’t like she was going to need it anymore).

“Yep!” Evangeline exclaimed proudly, “Wrote the script myself. Trixx’s memories hold all the locations and timestamps so returning the original life force to the point of abduction was no biggie. The body was still alive, so it was seamless and shouldn’t violate causality… probably…”

“YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME!!!” Faun shouted angrily.

“One, you wouldn’t have believed me,” Evangeline replied, “And two, the look on your face was priceless! Ha!”

“I’m not sure I believe you now!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, noob. Look.”

Faun closed her eyes for a moment.

“Oh, yeah…” she said sheepishly. “I’m still so mad at you, though!”

“Hey,” Evangeline replied, “I knew they were only figuratively dying. You didn’t when you started swinging.”

“They were trying to kill me!” Faun exclaimed. “I do have instincts, you know,” she added indignantly as she crossed her blood-splattered arms.

“I can see that,” Evangeline smirked.

“Oh, go and sit on… on… something unpleasant!” Faun huffed, causing a shred of flesh to fall off of the antlers still protruding from her head.

“Is it over?” a voice asked from underneath a table.

“Yes,” Evangeline sighed, “you can come out now, Flopsybun… Way to really get in there and help out the team. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

“I wasn’t ready!” Flopsybun said as he climbed to his feet. “And what was I supposed to do, anyway? I don’t know how to hack in this form.”

“You have a staff, and you have spells,” Evangeline replied, “Figure it out.”

She looked around and groaned, holding her back.

“Man, I think I strained something carrying the whole goddamn team. Seriously guys, you need to pick it up a little, especially you, Flopsy.”

Flopsybun didn’t hear her. He was too busy staring at the carnage.

“So that’s what they have inside them,” he said. “Wait,” he added, his eyes widening in horror. “Is that what I have inside me?” he asked as he started poking his abdomen. “Oh Bunny… It is, isn’t it?... Oh Bun… I can feel it squishing around… I… I… (hurk)…”

He doubled over and promptly threw up.

“Blelarharharguhrbublehhdh… hurgh… WHAT’S HAPPENING?!?... Blerughbabhbrggrh…”

“You’re tossing your cookies,” Evangeline replied.

“(urk)… Hnnnggg…. Bleaghghghg… I DON’T LIKE IT! HOW DO I STOP?!?... Bleeearrrgh…”

“Just part of being organic,” Evangeline smirked, “It will stop in a little bit.”

“(bleah)… I HATE BEING ORGANIC!!!...”

“Just wait until you get the runs,” Zvaxus snickered.

“It gets worse?!?”

“It can.”

“I want to go home!”

“Too late,” Evangeline grinned. “Okay, let’s start looting the bodies… besides their hair.”

“What?” Veelanora asked as she was tying off another skein of magnificent hair with some twine.

Evangeline turned to the terrified staff.

“How much money is in that vault of yours?”

***

On a warm, sunny beach, a crab was having his first existential crisis.

He didn’t much care for it.

Crabs just hatch, eat, make more crabs, and die.

That’s… it…

There was nothing else to being a crab…

Nothing…

He watched the waves.

There was no mystery there.

They just went in and out, over and over… just like crabs.

He looked up at the big light in the sky.

It just went up and down over and over… just like crabs.

The water just rose and fell over and over… just like crabs.

It was just the same thing over and over and over again… everything was… just like crabs.

It twitched.

Everything was just like crabs!

Woah…

***

“Ahhh,” Evangeline said as she admired her new set of enchanted black leather armor. “Nice to get out of that starter gear. Our fellow adventurers had the nicest stuff.”

“You could have, I don’t know,” Zvaxus grumbled, “maybe not have chopped up all of the good armor.”

“I can repair it. Well… some of it…” Veelanora replied as she sheared the locks off of a severed head.

“Man,” Evangeline said as she picked up a blood-soaked crossbow off of the blood-soaked floor, “We are so OP.”

“Like we weren’t before,” Flopsybun said glumly.

“Like some of us weren't before,” Evangeline replied. “Hurry up and grab some gear, Flopsy. Here,” she said, handing him a lovely super enchanted mace. “This is a good one.”

“Thanks,” he said with a depressed sigh.

“Still bummed about being a meatie?”

“What do you think?!?”

“It isn’t without its compensations, you know,” Evangeline smiled lasciviously. “Compensations I fully intend to take advantage of while I’m here.”

“What could possibly compensate for being (urp)… a… a meatie?”

Evangeline grinned and started whispering in his ear.

“…You just pull on it?” he asked, looking down.