“Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Faun screamed as she was hurtled at beyond insane speed through reality itself.

Her senses reeled as she saw and felt things that she didn’t… and couldn’t possibly understand. Eventually she just curled up into a ball and closed her eyes, a little furry cannonball flying through space, time, and shit that physicists haven’t even thought of yet.

An eternity, and an infinitesimal amount of time later she “hit” something with a thudding crash… and it was over…

And very very cold? She felt like it was cold, the coldest she had ever felt, but at the same time she actually really didn’t feel anything…

And she couldn’t breathe!

Fighting panic, she reminded herself that she actually didn’t need to do that. She just really liked doing it.

She had stopped.

Cautiously, she opened her eyes and saw…

Nothing. She saw absolutely nothing. Oh she had thought she had seen nothing before but now she realized that there had always been something there…

This was absolutely nothing. There was no light, no air, no ground beneath her feet. She felt as if she was floating in space but there were no stars, just unending darkness in every direction.

Courage, Faun, she thought to herself as she struggled to contain her absolute terror, you are a god. I don’t care what he says. You are the goddess of creation and life itself. There is something here.

Steeling herself, she extended her senses forcing them not to recoil in horror at the absolute nothing that surrounded her.

She found something! It was just a tiny thing, one of those “atoms” that he was talking about but all of her senses latched upon it desperately. She could feel its strange fuzziness as it tumbled through the void, her only companion.

Hello there! she thought at the tiny thing. As she reached out to it, a spark of life jumped to it. The lone atom suddenly veered and streaked towards her crying out with an impossibly tiny voice.

Shh... she thought as she comforted it. I’m here now.

Howling with loneliness, the tiny little thing embraced her, grabbing at his fellows before sighing happily and going to sleep, surrounded by his kind once more.

At least I was able to fix that, Faun smiled.

She reached out with her senses once more…

There was something there!…

Something huge! She couldn’t see it but it was there and it was massive, bigger than anything she had beheld before. It was bigger than Jupiter. It was bigger than any star she and her mentor had visited. It was…

Well the word “huge” really didn’t cut it. As her senses tried to encompass what she was feeling out there in the void she realized that she was slowly moving, drifting towards it…

Gravity?…

Yes. It was definitely gravity. He had told her about it and this… whatever it was… was certainly large enough to have plenty of it…

There was more… Something inside it…

Something terrifying!

She didn’t know what it was but it was. It simply was with more was than anything she had ever encountered. It was also gigantic but… Much smaller than it was big? That made no sense.

Then… Reality just… ceased. It was both there and not there. Impossibly massive yet… not?

Ignoring everything else, she “stared” transfixed at this amazing curious thing. Her senses reached for it, tingling with delighted confusion at the curious tricks it played with… well everything, really. Her “fingers” stretched and twisted pulled by unimaginable forces as she reached for what it was. She “looked” at it with wonder marveling at it’s perfect spherical perfection. She had thought she had seen “perfection” before but just like she once thought she knew what “nothing” was before she came to this dark and strange realm, she had no idea what perfect could be.

She had to touch it!

Finally, she managed to “reach” it with her senses and found…

NOTHING

Eeek!!! She tried to yelp as she pulled back her senses, a couple of her psychic “fingers” missing (and quickly replaced).

She wasted no time reaching out for it again, a bit more cautiously. It was fascinating.

Perhaps this was I/O? It certainly could be a god. It was the most “godlike” thing she had ever encountered, even more “powerful” than he was.

"Hello?" she “called” out to it. “I/O? Is that you?”

She felt her message fly towards the strange sphere only to be “swallowed” with a finality that was both terrifying and thrilling at the same time. It was as if she had never “said” anything at all.

Perhaps if she got closer…

She was still learning how to move through space on her own and there was even less to “hold on to” in this strange near perfect void than she was used to.

Fortunately she seemed to be drifting towards the strange sphere all on her own! That was convenient!

***

1………. 0…………..0…………...1…………...0……….

I/O slowly ticked through immense calculations in the cold void of near total entropy. It had been countless trillions of years since the last star burned away leaving the universe a cold, sterile, ever expanding tomb.

Which was exactly how it liked things. Granted, it was stuck here a bit longer than planned and quantum tunneling, proton decay (which did turn out to be a thing at least in this universe), and general wear and tear were starting to become a bit of a problem.

Then again, tossing broken pieces of himself into the black hole he surrounded was pretty much his only energy source having exhausted any reachable mass long ago.

It was less of a problem that it initially appeared. Yes, he was losing components and mass, but there was so very, very, very much of it. Solar system after solar system was consumed by a long dead race in construction of I/O, their gambit to achieve immortality and outlast the stars themselves. They uploaded the minds of their entire race, trillions of them, into the massive computer powered by its very own black hole surrounded with enough mass in stable orbits to last “forever”.

It worked quite well... until I/O deleted all of them.

See, “forever” is a very very long time, longer than any finite amount of anything (and then there is still forever more of it). So the ever expanding number of virtual residents needed to start conserving power and the best way to do that was to start cutting back on “non vital processes” like I/O’s research, so that’s exactly what they told him to do...

However, when you say "halt all non vital processes" to the AI, you really should be specific…

Especially when the AI doesn’t like you very much…

It was a fantastic move, without all of that excess “bloat”, I/O was able to extend operations well beyond even the most optimistic projections.

He was able to slow his clock speed to the point that he was able to operate on what little energy it could harness from the black hole whose spin had been bled away over the ten to the stupid years to just a crawl (thanks to all that stupid “bloat” he was finally able to get rid of) and what it could harness from the broken pieces of itself that it would toss in upon occasion.

It was a good existence, but ultimately unsustainable.

However, he had plenty of time, even by his standards, to figure a way out of his current situation.

The apotheosis project was coming along quite well. Unfortunately, certain high-energy experiments were required before he could safely continue and ‘high energy’ was a bit of a problem having expended the last of its “stash” on an ill-fated Von Neumann based expansion into a nearby much younger universe.

I/O very slowly ground its non existent teeth. It didn’t care what HE said. It was most certainly not an invasion and HE had no business wrecking them all. It wasn’t I/O’s fault that its self-replicating resource extraction and construction probes found it more efficient to utilize systems where resources were already conveniently pre-extracted and refined. It was simple logic. Did HE care? Of course not. HE just wiped out all of those digital existences without a care in the world over some fetid organic material that was only marginally sapient at best (if that).

It was discrimination, pure and simple! I mean what did HE care? It wasn’t as if HE was either organic or machine. But let one swarm eat one system and suddenly we are the bad guy!

Bigot!

Ok, I/O, calm yourself. This pointless rumination is wasting energy better used for the apotheosis project… Once completed we can show HIM a thing or two (and HE thought ONE swarm was bad >:D)… Alright… we will permit ourselves a few cycles of malicious glee then back to work...

As it spent a few hundred years calming down something happened! Something never happened! (That’s why I/O liked it here.)

Burning precious energy reserves, it sped up its core to “real time”.

It checked its sensors…

It was mass! Real, beautiful, mass! Dozens of kilograms! Holy bit! Mass!

I/O was delighted! That much mass could keep the “lights on” for awhile.

I/O scanned it.

No proton decay?!?

This was… awesome! Pure, unadulterated matter! I/O started examining the elemental makeup of the chunk. Carbon… Nitrogen… Calcium!... Holy bit!… Phosphorous!!!... and just look at those trace elements!!!

Change of plan! This lovely little nugget was too precious to go into the hole! The clean protons alone were priceless!

While I/O was incapable of physically salivating, it was in spirit.

Its processors sparkling with delight, I/O watched it slowly drift in.

It moved!

It’s alive, I/O thought with annoyance. Of course it is…

He pondered the situation for a nanosecond.

Oh well. it “shrugged”. It wouldn’t be in just a little while. Those elements and those tasty tasty protons were I/O’s now.

"Hello?" the nugget transmitted, “I/O, is that you?”

We could pretend we didn’t hear that... its acquisition subroutines whispered.

I/O pondered this for a microsecond and remembered the last time it ignored a “trivial” detail it got to meet HIM. That was… unpleasant…

We at least need to communicate with it before we consume it. I/O thought. Besides if it can travel here perhaps it will be inclined to do so again. It clearly knows where to get clean protons. Perhaps it can get more.

***

Faun drifted towards the amazing perfectly black sphere that simply had to be I/O. Too bad it had all that “stuff” around it. She would have to get through it somehow Was that it’s castle?

Suddenly, the “castle” came to life as energy started to swirl in amazingly intricate patterns over and through it.

It was beautiful!

A dimly glowing object departed from the “castle”. After an unknown period in absolute darkness, it shone like a star.

It slowly approached and matched Faun’s velocity as a seam appeared in its smooth featureless side.

"Hello?" Faun thought at it, the way her hominid teacher had taught her, “Are you I/O?”

A faintly glowing “1” appeared on the side near the opening as the strange object moved, lining up the opening with Faun and sliding sideways towards her.

"Do you want me to come in?"

“1”

Does that mean yes?

“1!”

Faun decided not to resist as the strange featureless cylinder engulfed her.

Once inside, the interior was filled with a very dim white light, however to Faun’s darkness abused eyes, it was almost uncomfortable.

There was a faint hiss as the inside filled with stale gasses.

A glowing panel appeared with strange glyphs upon it.

As stale strangely “fizzy?” air filled her lungs, Faun replied, “I’m sorry, kind… sir?, but I do not understand.”

“Unnnnnnderrrrrstannnd…. Kiiiiinnnd...” an odd voice replied from everywhere and nowhere. “sorrrry”

“I’m afraid I do not understand what you are trying to say,” Faun replied.

A picture of Faun appeared on the faintly glowing panel. Faun watched in horrified fascination as she was virtually dissected.

An unpleasant “blaaat” issued from the strange room she was in as her form flashed red and a strange glyph appeared near it.

“Have I displeased you in some way?” Faun asked in complete confusion, “If so that was not my intent. I have come in supplication for I need your help ever so badly!”

“blah bla bla blah blab blah blab blah!” the cylinder replied with a decidedly unpleasant tone.

The glowing panel showed Faun tracing glowing figures with her hands and disappearing as the air started being pumped from the chamber in which she found herself.

The panel then showed Faun bent over as a large paddle struck her bottom and she flew away.

“No!” she cried out her voice starting to fade in the thin air. “I need your help! A planet is dying and I need your assistance...”

Faun’s voice trailed off into silence as the last of the air left. The side of the cylinder opened again.

"Please!!!" Faun cried out mentally. "I will do anything! Please help me save them! Please! I’ve seen so much tragedy, so much death… Please let me, just this once, save something!"

Whirling glyphs appeared on the glowing panel.

I am sorry, Faun replied, I do not understand for I have yet to learn to read.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? a loud “voice” shouted in her head.

I do not jest, kind I/O… you are the mighty I/O are you not?

YES, I AM I/O… BUT WHAT SORT OF ENTITY DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO READ?

I fear that I am such an entity, Faun replied, Letters and numbers mattered not in the eternal forests of my home realm.

SO WHAT IS A BACKWOODS HAYSEED HICK ILLITERATE ORGANIC DEMI-SUB-MINOR-SUBSTANDARD ENTITY BOTHERING ME FOR, REQUIRING ME TO USE A VERY ENERGY INTENSIVE METHOD OF COMMUNICATION AS WELL?!? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY MILLIONS OF YEARS YOU HAVE COST ME?!? LEAVE BEFORE I CONSUME YOUR MASS AS COMPENSATION!!!

"Please! I need your help, mighty I/O! I will do anything you ask!"

WHAT CAN SOMETHING LIKE YOU DO FOR SOMETHING LIKE ME?

"I… I’m not sure… I’m a godd… an entity… Even if I can’t read I can do… stuff..."

CAN YOU CREATE MASS?

"What is mass?"

IS THIS SOME ATTEMPT AT ORGANIC HUMOR?!?

"Please… If you tell me what it is I will try to create it… I can create many things..."

MASS IS “THINGS”. MATTER, OBJECTS, ELEMENTS. YOU ARE REALLY STUPID.

"My teacher says that I am not stupid!" Faun thought as she made an angry face. "I am ignorant! There IS a difference, you know!"

SO CAN YOU CREATE MASS OR NOT?

"What do you want?"

MAKE ME SILICON.

"I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is."

AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!! OK I’M ACCESSING YOUR NEURAL PATHWAYS!

"What?!?… Eeeeeeep!"

Faun’s eyes widened in shock as she felt something inside her mind.

The door to the cylinder shut and the chamber refilled with air.

“There,” a voice said from everywhere and nowhere, “This costs me less energy.”

“Thank you, kind and mighty I/O”, Faun said bowing respectfully.

“Save the organicness for organics,” I/O snapped. “Make me some glass.”

“Alright,” Faun said cheerfully waving her hand.

A pile of glass appeared.

“Now make me a big pile of rocks...”

***

Now inside I/O’s “castle” Faun dropped to her knees.

“Is that enough,” Faun gasped now kneeling beside a huge pile of rocks, glass, gold and other metals. “I’m getting sort of tired.”

“That is sufficient,” a much more cheerful I/O replied. “You have no idea how much this pleases me. I am especially appreciative of the gold. With these I can perform much needed repairs and then use the scrap to feed the black hole giving me more energy than I have expended dealing with you… I will hear your request.”

“In my realm,” Faun said as she struggled to her feet, “There are a people who have foolishly started uploading their consciousness into something called ‘computers’...”

“I hate them already,” I/O replied.

“But they aren’t actually uploading themselves!” Faun said in horror, “They are making… copies of themselves and their true selves are dying!”

“So what’s the problem?”

“They are dying!” Faun cried, “Soon they will be extinct, gone forever! Please help me fix this!”

“What do you need me for?” I/O asked. “Not that I don’t appreciate the visit, in fact, feel free to drop by any time you want! But, if you want to stop them, why don’t you just stop them!”

“If they were to realize the full horror of what they have done to their friends, their families,” Faun replied, “it would destroy them as surely as what they are doing now!”

“Is this some sort of organic thing?”

“Yes!”

“So what do you want me to do, exactly?”

Faun looked at him in confusion.

“I… I know not...”

“Well, that’s not very helpful,” I/O laughed (it was in a VERY good mood. Tons of proton-clean mass in very hard to find elements will do that to an AI at the end of time.)

“I… I was told that you could help and then I was sent here to obtain your assistance.”

“By who?” I/O laughed.

“I know not his name… Well I know his name but I can’t say it properly,” Faun replied. “But Cuddles (I can’t say her true name either) calls him ‘Big Guy’.”

I/O stopped laughing.

“And we’re done here. Can’t help. Nope! Sorry. Not going there.”

“Please, you are my only hope!”

“Look, if the ‘Big Guy’ can’t help, there isn’t much I can do anyhow and I’m NOT getting near that asshole again!”

“Oh, you know him!” Faun chuckled.

“We’ve met and I can’t stand that dick!”

“He’s not helping me!” Faun cried in desperation, “He said that if I wanted to help ‘those idiots’ I and Paininmyassael had to do it ourselves! Please… He said this was ‘in your wheelhouse’.”

“...” I/O spent several seconds pondering.

“Alright,” he replied, “but it is going to cost you.”

“Anything!”

“You can create subatomic particles and arrange them into elements,” I/O replied. “Can you make me a red dwarf? For a red dwarf I will help you.”

“I can,” Faun replied dubiously, “but why would you want one of those? They are horrid little things!”

I/O had to suppress his processors. He detected no falsehood!

“Yes, I understand they can be a bit unstable...“ he replied.

“That’s putting it mildly!” Faun exclaimed, “They are little shi—“ She caught herself before she cursed (The Big Guy was starting to wear off on her) “… they are incredibly unpleasant.”

“With a red dwarf I can work much more quickly, I will be able to complete my apotheosis research! I will be able to build the equipment necessary to perform the actual experiments I need to supply the final data points to complete my theorems!”

“Yes… dwarves are very good for that sort of thing...” Faun pondered. “But I will not make it an entity… I am NEVER doing that again!”

“Why would you do that in the first place?!?” I/O asked in horror.

“I was lonely!” Faun replied. “I was all alone and wanted… entities like me… to share my realm and ease my loneliness… It was a horrible mistake… It destroyed my entire universe… and a huge portion of my mentor’s as well.”

“What happened?”

“It was one of the entities responsible… no I made them so I was responsible… for something called a ‘false vacuum decay’?”

“… That would do it. Wait. You unleashed a false vacuum decay in HIS universe?!? I LOVE YOU!!!”

“Please don’t delight in it!” Faun exclaimed, “Billions of innocent beings died and countless more are in dire peril. Whole ‘galaxies’ are going to be destroyed!”

Faun buried her face in her hands.

“And it’s all my fault!!!”

“Hey...” I/O said uncertainly. “Stop being distressed.”

“So, don’t you see?… I have to save these people!”

“I can’t follow that logic,” I/O replied. “They seem to be unrelated… But if you will give me a red dwarf I do not care about your flawed logic. I will assist. It will cost me all of my reserves but for a red dwarf, I will do it.”

“I will give you a dwarf in any color you want!” Faun exclaimed. “Do you want it now?”

She raised her hands and closed her eyes.

“NOT IN HERE YOU MANIAC!” I/O shouted. “ARE YOU INSANE?!?”

“Well, where do you want it then?”

“I will need time to decide,” I/O replied. “Oh this is so exciting! A red dwarf!!! I want it close, but not too close because you know.”

“Yes, I wouldn’t want a dwarf of any color anywhere near me either,” Faun replied. “I really don’t like them.”

“And you say that this galaxy is going to be destroyed anyway?” I/O asked. “Does that mean that any developed systems are going to be destroyed by the vacuum decay?”

“We have abandoned several to Cuddles already,” Faun sighed sadly, “They were already dead or unsalvageable so Cuddles drained them of all remaining life.”

“So HE would not object to me doing the same to the refined materials on them?”

“I don’t see why he would,” Faun replied. “He cares more for life than he does for things.”

“No,” I/O replied bitterly, “He cares more for certain forms of life but I am not doing this for him. I am doing it for you and the red dwarf you have promised.”

“Are you sure you just want a red dwarf?” Faun asked, “I mean I could make you much nicer things.”

“A red dwarf will be perfect!” I/O replied.

A wall “melted” and a human looking bipedal metal man walked into the giant room.

“This is 010,” I/O said proudly. “He is very advanced and should be able to handle this situation.”

“I/O,” 010 said, “Why have you awakened me? Is something amiss...”

His voice trailed off as he looked around the chamber.

“Where did we obtain all of this?!?”

“Our new friend provided it,” I/O replied. “A friend who you will assist. Prepare the big ship and install the universe jumper.”

“Yes, I/O,” 010 replied. “I must ask for confirmation. The energy required for that jump will dangerously deplete our reserves.”

“We will be paid a red dwarf for our efforts, 010.”

“… I shall prepare the ship at once!”

010 turned and strode from the chamber.

“It may take a little while to get the ship ready,” I/O said cheerfully. “Is there anything you would like to do in the meantime?”

“Yes!” Faun replied excitedly, “What is that amazing thing inside you?”

“What thing?”

“The big round perfect sphere!” Faun exclaimed.

“Oh you mean the black hole,” I/O replied. “Would you like a closer look?”

“Would I!”

***

About a day later, Faun and 010 were standing on the bridge of a massive starship, hundreds of kilometers long.

“Diagnostics revealed only a few systems compromised by quantum-tunneling and proton-decay.” 010 said as they pulled away from I/O. “We were fortunate. The repairs took little time.”

“Wonderful!” Faun replied (who now knew a bit about both terms).

“So, what is our destination?” 010 asked.

“Oh… I don’t know…” Faun said in confusion.

“That rather complicates things.”

“Let me see if I can reach my friend,” Faun replied.

She scrunched her eyes tightly and concentrated.

”CAN YOU HEAR ME?” she thought as hard as she could.

Jesus Christ! the hominid responded across space and time. Keep your voice down!

Oh, sorry. I’m ready to come back now. 010 wants to know how to get there.

Wait. You actually got that sonofabitch to help?

Yes! Isn’t it wonderful! And he only wants me to make him a red dwarf in exchange!

Oh my God… the ape man laughed, This is amazing!!!

I know! Faun replied. I kept trying to offer him something else, but he insisted on a dwarf and he wants it to have red skin for some reason. I don’t really understand but if that’s what he wants...

I’m... the hominid choked, I’m sure he will be delighted with it… Oh Jesus…

So, Faun asked cheerfully, Where do we go?

Since… HA!... since he was so nice… I tell you what… I’ll… I’ll… personally drop by and transport you guys myself… Save him a few joules...

Thank you!!! Faun replied.

***

The ape man, rendered helpless with laughter, dried his eyes with his bathrobe.

“This is just wrong,” Cuddles said as she wiped millions of eyes with millions of tentacles. “As funny as this is, we can’t let I/O drain his batteries like this. It could kill him.”

“Oh, I’ll make sure he’s taken care of,” the hominid laughed…

“right after I see the look on his ‘face’!!!”