A massive gout of orange flame shot from a cave entrance high in the Dragonspire, high above the Celestial Realm.

“Yeah,” a voice echoed from the cave, “I use supernovae as mouthwash. That ain’t going to do shit.”

The reply was a booming angry roar and another blast of flame, brighter and hotter.

“Damn,” the voice echoed, “That was pretty good, but check this out!”

A tremendous blue-white blast shot forth filling the entire cave mouth, instantly liquefying the walls causing molten lava to pour out.

“roar”

“Yeah, I thought so. Now carry your ass outside… Do I look like a fucking porter? I ain’t carrying shit… Well that’s not my problem… Oh? Not leaving without it?… Well I guess I could put in your prison pocket for you… What’s a prison pocket? Let me enlighten you. Hold still…What? You don’t need it after all? Great! Move.”

Moments later, a titanic dragon emerged sheepishly from the cave and hid behind the faintly glowing deer woman, whispering urgently in her ear.

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” she crooned, stroking its nose, “But we really have to go… He tried to stick what where?”

She looked up accusingly at the bathrobe clad Homo Erectus ambling out of the cave pausing to push his foot into some lava, leaving a print.

“Just what is it with you and bottoms?” she demanded.

“Physics.”

“How does your sorcery apply to this nonsense?”

“It’s not ‘sorcery’. It’s one of the universal natural laws,” the ape-man chuckled. “Everything seeks its lowest energy state, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and if someone is being difficult, threaten to shove something up their ass. If they seem into it, show them something bigger. It’s the universal motivator. It’s simple physics.”

“I think it's awfully rude!”

“Well,” the hominid said strolling up to her, “has it failed thus far?”

“… no...”

“See?” the hominid replied, “universal motivator… Physics!”

“Is that the last one?” the ape-man asked as “Faun” comforted the rather shaken dragon.

“Yes,” she sighed as her dappled cape magically extended covering the gigantic beast and then retracting leaving no trace of the ancient wyrm.

“What?”

“It’s just…” she sighed, tears welling in her eyes, “There were just so many I couldn’t save… so many… I know that was war… I do… And I don’t blame you for doing what… whatever that is...” she stammered gesturing to the massive moon sized black sphere dominating the realm. (Time has stopped around it therefore all emissions from the impossibly bright and hot sphere have “ceased”.)

“Actually,” the hominid replied, “I didn’t do that. One of my humans did!” he said proudly. “Crazy fucker went and did something crazy. Even I left those fuckers alone,” he said pointing at the gigantic black sphere. “because they will do stuff just like that! The Elves, Dwarves, and Orcs aren’t the first sapients that those murderous assholes wiped out, not by a long shot. You don’t even want to know what happened to my actual favorites... which might be one of the reasons why I let your guys have them... God, they were assholes...” he added fondly.

Tears began to flow down Faun’s cheeks.

“I… I confess I don’t understand… but I believe you, kind god.”

She looked down.

“But regardless of the reason,” she wept, “I lost so many… but… with your aid I was able to save so many others… thank you...”

“Yeah,” the ape-man shrugged, “Life’s a bitch, sometimes,” he said trying to ignore the constant whimpering and fearful murmurs radiating from Faun.

Where’s mommy? a frightened little voice squeaked through the ether.

Your mommy... Faun silently replied as a tear rolled down her cheek, Your mommy isn’t here right now… She’s… She’s fine, dear.

I’m scared! I want my mommy! the little voice silently wailed.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” the hominid groaned looking skyward.

He glared at Faun.

“Tell that little shit that her goddamn mommy is on the way,” he groaned. “Jesus fucking Christ!”

“But, powerful and kind god,” Faun replied, “She has already been consumed by the great sphere, the one from which you said there is no escape.”

“First lesson,” the hominid said firmly, “NEVER, ever, ever do what I’m about to do. Fuck with causality even a little bit and you can wreck an entire universe! No, you will wreck an entire universe! Buuuuut...”

He flashed her a mischievous look and grinned.

“This universe is already fucked. Wait right here, literally right here. Do NOT move from this spot, got it?”

Faun nodded.

The hominid started to walk away.

He stopped.

“And another thing,” he said fixing her with an irritated glare, “Stop calling me a fucking god. I am NOT God or a god or any of that shit and neither are you! Hubris is fatal, even to us, so stop putting that shit on me. It’s getting on my nerves!”

Muttering a constant stream of obscenities, the ape-man stomped down the mountain path.

***

A short while later the hominid reached the edge of the giant pitch black sphere.

“I can’t be-fucking-lieve I’m doing this...” he grumbled.

He took a deep breath and moved, not forwards, backwards, left or right, but he started stepping before.

As he did so the sphere started to retreat, slowly shrinking back towards the portal from which it came.

Soon, it was gone and a bright light could be seen in the distance as he re-entered normal 3+1 D space.

“I’m going to completely lose my shit,” he grinned as he headed in that direction.

***

The ape man was lounging in his lawn chair at the portal’s entrance.

He took a big handful of popcorn, anticipating the look on those three idiots' faces.

This was going to be fun.

“Hey,” an entirely too fucking familiar voice said behind him.

“What the fuck, dude?!?” he said as he spun around to face himself.

“Dude,” he replied, “I kinda need something.”

“Woah,” he said backing away, “That was a one time thing! The seventies were a crazy time, you know...”

“Yeah, crazy… Remember the time I made that bet with Oscar Wilde?”

He snorted.

“Some mistakes just have to be made, right? Shame about Oscar though. He died far too soon.”

“Yeah...”

“Well that was the least stupid reason you are here. Can I even know?”

“Probably best you don’t,” he replied. “Let’s just say this universe is fucked anyway so what the hell.”

“Fair enough. Gonna freeze me?”

“Yep. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you didn’t freak out and accidentally kill me. Last thing we need is a paradox on top of the shit I’m pulling.”

“Cool. Hope you know what you are doing,” he shrugged, “Christ, you are one ugly bastard, you know that?”

“You too, asshole.”

With that the hominid waved his hand (he really didn’t have to but it looked cool) and one of him (and everything behind him) froze in place.

“Right,” he grumbled as he pulled out a large scroll that unfurled and rolled for dozens of meters. “Let’s see here...”

***

The fairy Plumefeather sang to herself as she hovered in front of a gleamberry bush grabbing a huge, perfectly ripe berry and fluttering her wings rapidly to pull herself and it away.

“Oh! Peena will love this!” she sighed happily. Her daughter just loved gleamberry steaks!

“What’s that?” she asked herself curiously as she noticed a bright light shining between the trees ahead.

Fascinated, she started to fly towards it.

“Yeah,” a gruff voice said as the strangest looking fellow appeared next to her, “You really don’t want to head that way.”

“Oh hello...eep!” she squeaked as a rough hand snatched her out of the air and shoved her in a bag.

“Ok,” the voice grumbled, “Mommy’s safe. One down…”

He looked at the list.

“Twenty thousand to go...”

***

Faun dutifully stood exactly where she was told.

She turned excitedly as she heard a long stream of invective from up the path.

The good sir, definitely not a god, had returned!

He soon appeared carrying a huge sack on his shoulder.

“Ok!” he growled, his bathrobe dingy and a bit tattered, “All of your children are safe and fucking sound.”

He let the bag fall to the ground where it issued thousands of yelps, squeaks, and hisses.

“Happy now?”

Faun cried out in delighted relief as she ran forward and embraced the ape-man.

“Thank you kind sir!” she gushed. “Thank you! Thank you!”

She kissed him on the cheek.

“Whatever,” the hominid grumbled, “just grab the little shits. We have to leave, now. I just had a one night stand with causality and she’s going to find out the condom broke any second now. Spoiler: She does NOT like creampies.”

“Why?” Faun asked, “Creampies are delicious!”

“… Just grab your 'kids' before mine wind up all over our faces.”

“...What?”

”Grab the fucking bag and let’s get out of here!” the ape man hissed, looking around anxiously.

Faun daintily opened the bag and started withdrawing the occupants one at a time, each one “magically” growing to full size before “magically” disappearing under her cape.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” the ape man yelled as he grabbed the bag, swept Faun under his other arm, and disappeared.

***

Faun looked about in delight.

She was swimming among the stars!

“Can you breathe ok?” the ape-man asked as he drifted nearby.

“Yes?” she replied in confusion.

“Good,” he replied, “and to answer your question, no, you normally wouldn’t be able to breathe out here, and probably actually don’t have to, but it would freak you out. In any event, your 'children' would definitely have a hard time. I just grabbed up some elements and whipped up a batch of air. Let me know if it gets stuffy.”

“Thank you again, kind sir,” she said as she pulled out a long and very confused fish out of the bag and slipped it under her cloak.

She silently retrieved various creatures from the bag as the ape man floated nearby staring at an ever expanding brilliant white sphere.

Faun looked up at the curious creature in the robe.

“I’m… I’m sorry...” she said looking downcast.

“What for?” he said, never taking his eyes off of the sphere.

“It’s… It’s all my fault...” she said burying her head in her hands.

“Do tell,” the ape-man smiled, the light from the literal end of everything shining in his eyes.

“The… The Elves… a-and the Dwarves… a-and…” she started to weep, “all my fault...”

“No!” the ape-man gasped.

“It’s true!” she wailed. “I… I didn’t mean for them to… to be… I trusted them!!!” she cried.

“I know,” he replied.

“You do!?” she gasped.

“Not my first rodeo, sweetie,” he said still staring at the growing hell-ball.

“And you still helped me?”

“Yep,” he shrugged, still transfixed.

“...Why?”

“I’m capricious and mercurial,” he replied, “It’s how I roll. Besides, you aren’t a bad sort. You just fucked up, that's all. First universe?”

“I… I know not what you mean.”

“You just answered my question,” the ape-man replied looking away from the fundamental devastation for the first time. “Pantheons are a classic noob mistake. The only times they don’t result in exactly what happened to you or worse is when everyone splits up early and goes their own way, each one taking with them a chunk of idiot number one. Don’t worry. It will grow back.”

“I was just so… lonely...”

“Reason number three for why idiots form pantheons,” the hominid replied smiling at her, “and the only one that is remotely acceptable. Number one and number two are vanity and laziness. So, you just sort of popped into being one day?”

She nodded, “The world was young and I was alone. I made the flowers, and the trees, and breathed life into all of the world’s children.”

“With the knowledge, ability, and urge to manipulate matter and create life… Sounds like you’re a wild Boltzmann,” the hominid said sympathetically, “Big oof.”

“A… Boltsman?”

“It’s been known to happen,” he replied, “Literally everything happens somewhere, somewhen. Sometimes what we call a Boltzmann brain lasts only a moment and sometimes they stick around. Every now and then they can either get or be able to form a body. With ten to the bajillion bubbles popping into existence every ten to the bajillionth of a second literally anything is possible, no matter how stupidly improbable. Doesn’t explain your soul, though. I guess some soul could have been sucked in during inflation or maybe there was a big kill off when a nearby universe collapsed or something… The chances of all this lining up are impossibly low which means it was bound to happen… and here you are!”

“I’m sorry...” Faun stammered, “I don’t understand...”

“Don’t worry about it,” he replied, “You will… or you won’t… It really doesn’t matter. Are your children ok?”

“Yes!” she replied happily. “They are coming out of the bag whole and hearty!”

“Cool, because I was just stuffing the motherfuckers in there,” he chuckled, “Perhaps one day you will realize exactly how stupid I was getting those little shits.”

“Was it perilous?”

“Very.”

“I am truly grateful, kind sir,” she replied, “but why? Why would you risk so much for someone who has wronged you so badly?”

“...” he grumbled, too quiet to hear.

“Sir?”

“I said that there has been enough death for one day,” he muttered a bit louder. “We need to pull back a bit. Even we don’t want to get caught by that big beautiful baby there.”

He gently grabbed her arm as they moved impossibly quickly away from the glowing sphere.

“Here,” he said after a few moments, “This will give us a nice view and a little bit of time before we have to move again.”

“How big is it going to be?”

The hominid just laughed.

“Jacob Roberti, the beautiful maniac whose name I will carry for untold eons, has done a number on my happy little home. That sphere will never stop growing. It will continue to expand, consuming everything in it’s path forever, even when the stars cease to shine this motherfucker still will be, not that you can actually ‘see’ it in real time. I’m playing a few tricks to make this possible. This is sort of an ‘artist’s rendition’ of what is actually going on in there but it’s one hundred percent accurate.”

“It will never stop?”

“Nope,” he replied as he swept his arm across the stars. “Pretty much everything you see here will be utterly destroyed.”

“I’ve destroyed your home!”

“I destroyed yours,” the hominid chuckled, “It’s only fair. But no, you haven’t destroyed my home, not all of it. Jacob Roberti, exalt his name, did. Oh he is going to rip a huge-ass chunk out of it but most of it will survive intact. I don’t build crap. I have a little safeguard in place for just this sort of thing.”

“If it never stops growing then won’t it consume everything in the end?”

“That is why you add a little fudge factor in the constants,” the hominid smiled. “It’s some of that physics I keep talking about. It can expand forever and still never reach most of what I’ve built.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Don’t worry,” he smiled putting his arm around her, “you will.”