《Playing with the Dead: The Dark Art of Bullshit》Magic is Fantasy - CH 24
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“Magic. Magic. Magic is not real. It was just a mis-mis-understanding. Magic is not real. I shouldn’t have been banned…” Rose hyperventilated as she rambled on and on. Her eyes were sunken, as if the cold reality of the world sucked up every last drop of joy she had. Her hands trembled like warriors did after experiencing the horrors of endless carnage. I did not understand her pain. Why was a one night stay tucked away in the princess suite so important to her? Azog was somewhat sympathetic and understanding, since he too was a bit disappointed. He had taken notes of what the Inn did right, and, now, after finding out it wasn’t real, would not be able to utilize the information he gathered to crush the competition in Mudville. He would have to look elsewhere to find the keys to ruling the Inn trade with an iron fist. Azog put his hand on Rose’s shoulder, trying to comfort the poor “princess”.
“It’ll be ok. We’ll find an Inn that will alleviate that crushed heart of yours. Esmeralda’s turned out to be too good to be true. You didn't know that they were a bunch of frauds. It’s not your fault.” Azog told her in his most fatherly voice.
“Well, it sort of is. She was the tour guide that led us there; she should’ve known.”
Azog glared at me. Maybe I was being a little harsh, but my mood was terrible. While Azog and Rose had been enjoying luxury, I had been spending my time in the cold night, unsurprisingly, tired and cold. And here Rose was, having experienced luxury for a day, crying as if her world had ended.
“I just wanted to be treated like a Princess!” wailed Rose. Tears flowed from her eyes, and snot dripped from her nose. It was not a pretty sight. “Ever since I was a child I wanted to experience Esmeralda’s Inn, and now I’m banned for eternity! Possibly even two eternities!”
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The three of us traveled in silence (apart from the sniffles and tears from Rose). There was too much animosity, anger between the three of us. I was jealous of Azog and Rose for getting to reap all the benefits of my heroic act without contributing one bit. They were leeches benefiting off a man of true morals. Rose was sad and possibly even a little mad at Azog and me for eliminating her from the Princess suite program. Azog was angry at me for being callous to Rose. If the power of coins wasn’t binding each of us together, then it would have been likely we would have parted ways. It turned out that the bonds formed through coins were stronger than animosity and hatred.
Nothing seemed amiss as we walked down busy roads. There were plenty of people walking around, who didn’t seem to care about us. It was coldness that was only found in a city, although there was something to be said about the anonymity it provided. It was relieving to know that I wasn't being watched. Well, except for Rose who kept looking at my like I was a murderer. I let out a deep sigh.
“Look, I’m sorry I ruined your weekend, Rose.”
“As you should be! I knew that faulty contraption was not real. You’re as mean as they come. ”
“I do admit I’m sometimes not nice, but I am never mean. I proved that today when I saved you from disappointment that can only be found in your dreams.
“Hogwash. Stop with this evil enchantress fake reality nonsense. You’re not going to pin the blame on some voodoo magic that isn’t real.``
“Magic is very real and I will find the source of these illusions. I need answers that can only be found in the darker parts of the city. Figuring out what the red mana does will be paramount in finding what I came for. ”
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Rose looked at me as if I was crazy, I hadn’t revealed that I was a Necromancer. While Rose might have been fully aware that I wasn’t exactly a holy hole digger, that didn’t mean she knew what my profession was. No one needed to know what my profession was.
“What do you mean red mana? Are you a professional liar? Is that why you’re concealing your real job?” questioned Rose.
I paused, as I realized my slip up.
“Nonsense. I’m a hole inspector.”
“Look. As your tour guide by proxy, I can’t guide you if you don’t tell me what's going on. I might hate you with every ounce of my body, but I’m a lady of my word. I’m going to prove to Esmeralda’s Inn that they’re missing out for firing me. I’ll become the best tour guide in the city if that is what it takes.”
Rose strengthened her resolve. It was unbecoming of a princess to cry in excess. Sure, a little bit of crying was necessary and even somewhat encouraged. But the Tour Guide Kingdom needed her, so she wouldn’t wallow in pity.
“You won’t snitch on me if I tell you?” I asked, as my eyes darted around. Luckily, no one paid any attention to the three of us.
“What are you so worried about? Yes, fine, you have tour guide confidentiality.”
“Is that a thing? I’ve never heard of that.”
“Is you being snarky a thing? Because you are evil.”
“Fair enough. I’m an apprentice necromancer.”
“Really? I thought you were a gravedigger?” Azog piped up.
“Azog, you marched to save me with an army of undead skeletons. How could you still think that I was a gravedigger?”
“I don’t know. I guessed that the necromancer owed a favor to the gravedigger.”
“George the Gravedigger is a zombie. He’s, also, the reason I’m here.”
“To see the sights?”
“Ugh. It doesn’t matter.”
Azog shrugged, nonchalantly.
“How are you taking this so well?!” panicked Rose. “He’s a criminal and textbook evil. I’ve got to report him!” shouted Rose.
“Hush. You promised tour guide confidentiality,” I reminded her.
Rose staggered back as she wrestled with this new dilemma.
“Well, it's not like magic is real, anyway.” Rose concluded. “But I’ll help you with this non magic investigation and prove once and for all that magic is a sham.”
I just nodded. There was no use arguing with someone who could not see the logic before her eyes. Hopefully, truth would prevail and the clear evidence of magic would convince her otherwise. I did not preach. That’s what vile priests did and I wasn’t one of those.
“Well, do you have any leads?” I asked.
“I know of a woman that goes by The Urban Druid that claims that she is in touch with the mystic arts: spell casting, potion crafting, charms. If you need anything even remotely magical, she’s your best bet. Of course, it’s all a sham. Like the time she caused a cat to float could probably be explained away with a string tied to the cat, or the time she gave Old Man Herald a love potion and that fair maiden fell in love with him was probably just due to a bit of luck and his increased confidence.”
“Sure. It’s all just fantasy.”
“Exactly.”
“Well, let's get some sleep and tackle this issue in the morning. I heard that Grog’s Groggery is looking for some customers.”
“They do give the second best commission,” Rose relented. She sounded far less excited about Grog’s Groggery, but, at least, she was amicable.
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