Two grizzly looking guards stood in front of the gate with well polished polearms. Their armor was metal, but crudely cut as if it was bought from a bargain bin smith. Neither of them wore helmets. An insignia of the hog showed they were in fact Nosturdam guards. They showed no emotion on their face, except for the slight disapproving frown as they stopped two merchants from entering the city. Their red faces were an indication that they were not getting their way. Their colorfully dyed robes indicated they were successful at their job; their white hair indicated they’d been working as merchants for decades.

“Let us through! We’ve traveled across the entire continent to get to this lousy city, and you won’t let us in to sell our goods? Has reason lost your mind? Does gold have no value in this country?”

“The city is in lockdown. It’s nothing personal, but we’re not letting shady people into the city. Maybe you can head down to Lundorm and sell your goods there. I’ve heard they’re being overrun with thieves and dark wizards.”

“I’m selling cured meat! How shady is that?”

“From my experience it’s the merchants with the mundane goods who smuggle in the most illegal goods. How do we know that jerky isn’t dragon’s meat, or dried witch potion ingredients? I’m afraid if you don’t leave we’ll have to poke you with this long metal sharp stick of ours.”

“You’ll regret this. Your poor country will remain poor and won’t be seeing any business from the Tapir merchants association.” The merchant wagged his finger to emphasize his point, before stomping off away from the gate.

“Next!" Yelled the guards.

The three of us took a step forward. The older of the two guards eye’d me with suspicion. I knew that the moment the guards laid their eyes on me, it would be tough getting into the city. Especially with a foreign man like Azog looming behind me, and a thief standing by my side, albeit a somewhat pretty thief.

Maybe it would’ve been better if I wasn’t hunched over, covering my eyes from the sunlight. Maybe it would’ve been better if my robe wasn’t tattered, but maybe we’d make it through this encounter alive.

“Boy, why aren’t you looking at us?” The older guard demanded. “That’s not how you give someone like us the proper respect we deserve. We’re city guards after all. No such thing as a higher honor to work for the King himself.”

My mind raced to come up with a solution. I lifted my head to face the guards.

“I’m just examining this fine ground, that’s all. I’m a hole inspector by trade, so it's always a good idea to keep looking for some good dirt. It’s what keeps me in a job.” I lied.

“Well, keep your eyes up. There are shady folk in this city. You don’t wanna meet someone like that last merchant I turned away. They’ll fleece you for what you got and leave you out to rot on the side of the street. You look like good folk, but I can’t just let anyone in. Me and Raltz here came up with the perfect test to determine if you're shady or not. Pass it and we’ll let you in. ”

“But I live here!” Rose protested. “Why should I have to take a test?”

“Now don’t get too worked up about this. We’ve turned away many other folk who live here. If it was up to us we’d let everyone in, but I’m afraid these are dark times in the kingdom. How do I know you weren’t eaten and replaced by a faceshifter in the forest over yonder?”

“A faceshifter? Do you hear the utter garbage coming out of your mouth? Everyone knows those aren’t real, just like the undead, ritual magic and the dark gods. They’re just made up of gibberish to make young kids wet their beds.” Rose said with confidence.

“Yes. Yes, those certainly aren’t real things,” I piped up nonchalantly. “Next thing you’ll be telling us is that an ancient primordial beast lurked beneath a cave deep within a forest only one week ago.”

“Well, there might be. You haven’t proved that there isn’t.” the suspicious old guard stated.

I furrowed my eyebrows. That was not how you determined if something was or wasn’t real. If anything the guard was supposed to prove that the primordial beast was there. If I followed the guard’s logic, then anything could be real.

“Well, what is this test you’ve come up with? Let's not get lost in the weeds trying to figure out what is or isn’t real.” I attempted to change the subject.

“Right. Right. The test. Raltz, bring out the magic artifact.”

Out of Raltz’ pocket he pulled out an amulet, with whirring gears that turned on their own. At first glance you’d assume the magic contraption was made from gold, but the slightly off color hugh indicated it was made from brass. An engraving of a tentacle monster was etched onto the center ball that whirled at the center of the whirring gears. My mana sight picked up a dark red mana glow from the device. I had never seen this type of mana before, but I knew from one look that the device ran on mana that was certainly nefarious.

“ We confiscated this bad boy from a wizard last week, after he told us it was a ward against evil demons. You should’ve seen how annoyed he was when we took it off of him for ‘security purposes’. Now, we use it to figure out if we’ll let you in or not.”

“That’s right. If this thing starts making a clicking noise that means you're not evil, nor that you have any connections with the dark arts,” Raltz, the younger of the two officers, explained.

“Are you sure about that?” I asked. I looked over at Azog who just shrugged.

“That respectful wizard wouldn’t lie to us,” stated the older captain. He turned to face Raltz. “What was his name again?”

“Malfazor the Just was what he called himself,” said Raltz.

“Did the contraption go off when he took the test?” I asked.

“Of course.” Raltz confirmed.

I got the sense that maybe it detected the opposite of what this Malfazor fellow claimed. I wondered just how many shady individuals had been let through the pearly gates of Nosturdam by these two morons.

“Well, who’s up first?” asked the Captain. The three of us looked at each other.

“I’ll take the test,” Azog volunteered. He took a step towards the glowing device. Raltz pressed the button on the contraption. Nothing happened.

“That is not a good look,” said the guard captain. “Looks like you’ll have to look elsewhere to stay or find someone of upstanding values to vouch for you.”

Rose offered herself up next. Again, the amulet failed. Rose angrily stomped on the floor like a petty child.

“You can’t be serious! I’m the most morally upstanding person you’ll find in this country!” she shouted.

“Come take the test next, cloaked man. Maybe there is some hope for your group. And you have an upstanding citizen among you.”

I took a step forward.

When Raltz pressed the button this time, something very strange happened. The gears spinned faster than they’d spinned before, and an unholy scream pierced the ears of everyone around me. I winced and took a step back from the device.

Raltz and the captain were awestruck. This was the loudest the contraption had ever screamed since they took it from the upstanding wizard. Could this be a devout man of the church? they thought in unison.

“It pleases me greatly, that such a devout man graced our presence,” said Raltz, who got on his knees.

“This can’t be right! That vile, good for nothing welp can’t be a more upstanding person than me!” shouted Rose.

“Well, you were the person who attempted to rob me; it was not the other way around.”

“I don’t know how you tricked that junk of metal, but I am certain you’ve done some shady stuff. I’m certain!”

“Well, could you let us through? To be honest I took these two hooligans with me to try and convert them to the church. I know they’re borderline evil, but I can change them.” I lied.

“I didn’t know I was evil. Maybe I should go give some prayers to the church,” Azog said, as he reflected on his actions.

The two guards looked at each other.

“Well, I guess if a holy hole inspector like yourself is leading these two hooligans to the light then it would be alright to let you three travelers through. Make sure you keep your eyes on those two,” said the captain to me.

“Don’t worry I’ll have my eyes on them.”