“Approaching Freo,” Cas mumbled some time later.

I blinked, snapping myself out of my thoughts, and my eyes found the scanners.

“Shit,” I mumbled.

I hadn’t even realised how close we were. I’d been robotically checking the scanners and asking Chal how Cory was doing every few minutes.

It must have been so annoying but Chal didn’t raise his voice or snap once. He just calmly and methodically told me that Cory had some internal damage but that the bullets had missed everything important. I almost cried when he said that. I honestly thought we’d be flying home to another funeral.

I couldn’t lose him. I needed Cory, the crew needed Cory.

He was so level-headed, so poised and helpful at all times. He was the person we relied on the most now that Gem’s gone. He is, I should say. He’s still alive, sitting opposite me as I write even now.

I’m glad he survived, obviously. We really needed him in the end. Without him, we never would have…

No, I can’t write that yet. Every time I try to I just feel the blood on my hands again and it makes me need to go wash them until they burn from the soap and scrubbing but it’s still not enough and it will never be enough.

I know it’s not real, of course I do, but that doesn’t shake the feeling. It’s too hard. It’s… No. I’m not. I can’t go into it yet. I’ll keep writing this chronologically, do my best not to miss anything out and by the time I get to… the thing. Maybe I’ll be feeling better able to cope with it.

I doubt it. The image is still seared into my brain.

How could it have happened? Why did no one stop them?

Sorry, I’m back now. I’m going to try and keep going on this bit. It’s hard too though.

We landed on Freo before too long, the garage surprisingly quiet. Most of the fighters who had gone to the prison weren’t back yet so it was just us and a few beaten up ships.

I wasn’t sure what happened to them but I barely paid attention as I slammed my hand down on the controls to turn off the engine and threw myself from the cockpit. My crew were right there with me, racing towards the doors.

Vela stayed behind. I think she muttered something, probably about staying behind on the ship to clean up, but I’m not sure.

We just needed to see him for ourselves. We needed to see that he was okay and alive and I wanted to be there when he woke up. I hated the idea of him waking up alone when his last words to me were begging to die.

I got it though and I like to think that if I were in his situation, I would feel differently but I wouldn’t. If Cas had died, if my future was snatched away from me like that, I think that I would struggle to see a way forwards event with the rest of my crew trying to help.

Our footsteps pounded on the solid metal floor and the few people that were milling around leapt aside when they heard us coming. Peggy managed to keep up with us pretty well but I could tell she was struggling. I could hear her panting behind me, her breath wheezing, but still, we reached the medBay before long.

We slowed as much as we could, not wanting to disrupt the relative peace, and luckily, Chal was waiting for us.

“He’s in your usual room, I’ll answer any questions along the way,” he said immediately, smiling at the doctor who he’d been talking to before gesturing for us to follow.

I didn’t even look at the other doctor, I just followed Chal.

“He’s okay?” I asked for what might have been the hundredth time.

“He’s okay. He should be waking up pretty soon too. It wasn’t actually that bad, most of the damage was fairly minor and shouldn’t take too long to heal,” Chal explained.

“Will he be able to keep working as he heals?” Cas asked.

Chal glanced back at him, his expression understanding.

“We can work something out. I know that Cory not being able to work would… be pretty negative for him. I don’t know how well he’d cope being told to take some time off.”

“Me either,” I muttered, Cory’s words in my ears.

We approached the door to our room, the window darkened so that nobody could see in, and I waited anxiously for it to open.

Chal waved a hand in front of the sensor and the door whirred as it opened.

My breath caught in my throat as he came into view. I knew that he’d be lying in the bed, asleep, but I wasn’t prepared for just how… bad he’d look.

An oxygen mask covered the bottom half of his face, blocking it from view, but the rest of his face looked bad. He just looked so small and fragile.

Huge bags bruised the skin under his eyes and his face was pale. He looked exhausted even as he slept and I could tell that the weeks of living off of stimulants and coffee with only a couple of hours of rest had taken their toll on him. He was so much thinner too. I knew he wasn’t eating enough and shame shot through me.

I was his Captain. It was my job to make sure that he was okay and I’d failed it. I should have been bringing him meals, making sure he was actually eating them, sneaking him snacks, whatever else it took.

“Are you sure he’s okay?” Peggy whispered as she edged closer to him, her face a mask of fear.

“He is. He’ll be in a fair bit of pain whilst he heals but we can manage that and he’ll be fine.”

A tear slipped from the corner of my eyes and I finally felt able to move.

I stumbled towards him, collapsing into the nearest chair and grabbing his hand as carefully as I could. I didn’t want to disrupt the IV that stuck from his skin.

Cas fell into the seat next to me, his eyes fixed on Cory.

Cory, can you hear us? If you can, we’re here with you whenever you wake up, he thought softly.

I swallowed, my mouth weirdly dry.

“Cory,” I said before having to clear my throat. “We’re right here with you.”

I wanted him to know we were there, just in case he could hear us at all.

His hand twitched around mine and I squeezed it as tightly as I could, hoping that it would be enough for him.

My eyes searched his face, looking for any sign of him being in pain or regaining consciousness. A single tear dripped from the corner of his eyes and onto the pillow below.

I leaned forwards, squeezing his hand even harder.

“Cory? It’s us. Your crew. You’re back on Freo. You were… you were shot but you’re okay,” I said.

He didn’t respond to my words but his eyes opened and he stared at the ceiling as even more tears gathered in his eyes.

“Why didn’t you let me die?”

I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or Chal but I felt like I’d failed him