There was a strange hollowness in my heart as I headed away from Orion’s room and back towards the infirmary. I moved slowly, trapped in a prison of my own thoughts, wanting to cry but no tears would come. A vice slowly wrapped tighter and tighter around my chest as I approached the elevator, making me breathless.

I was so glad that there was no one on the residential floors because I felt fragile. The slightest wind and I would shatter.

I felt almost nauseous. There was a weird feeling in my stomach. I felt empty yet full. Too full. Life felt overwhelming. I just wanted to find a nice vent somewhere and lock myself in it so that I could break down but I couldn’t. I didn’t want Chal to get annoyed at Andy. Plus, Peggy and Cas were waiting for me in the infirmary and I knew that Peggy wouldn’t sleep until I got back.

But still, I didn’t want to go back. I wasn’t sure what to say to either of them. I wanted to be able to talk to them both like nothing had happened but I kept trying to use my mods and then forgetting that Peggy didn’t have them anymore. I felt like I should talk to her about them, see if she wanted to get some fitted again because I knew that Chal wouldn’t mind doing it but I didn’t want to rush her.

Every time I looked at her or thought about it, a wash of anger came over me so strongly that I was left dizzy. I just couldn’t believe what they did to her. It made me want to cry or to kill them all but I couldn’t. I needed to bide my time. It was more important that Peggy had a chance to heal and that Freo was able to come up with a proper plan to take them down. And keep them down.

There was only one way to stop Harvey from trying to seize power again and that was to kill him. I knew I’d have to do it one day.

I did feel pretty conflicted about it though. I wanted to kill him. He deserved to suffer so that he could understand how much he screwed everyone over and just how much misery he continuously caused to so many people but… I didn’t like that I wanted to kill anyone. It felt wrong, in a way.

I just… I couldn’t understand how he could keep fucking people over and I still can’t work out if the whole relentless crusade for power and destruction was to capture Cas or if he just hated that fact that there were more and more people working out what a shitty person and leader he was.

If it were all for Cas… I just didn’t get it. Cas is one person and he’s still basically just a kid. Why did Harvey hate him so much? Cas is a good person, he’s loyal, intelligent and kind. How could Harvey hate him?

Regardless, it doesn’t matter, I guess. It’s too late anyway.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” a man said, jolting me from my thoughts as I waited for the elevator. “She’s with the stars now.”

My lips rose into a forced smile as he placed a hand on my shoulder in what I think he expected to be a kind gesture.

It wasn’t. It made me want to scream or punch him but I knew that his intention was probably good.

The elevator doors opened and I didn’t wait for him to remove his hand before I started into it.

“I’ll wait for the next lift,” he said, his hands moving quickly in a motion of respect that I recognised from class.

It was one from a religion that had been big on Dneya. The motion was done only to leaders and martyrs.

I didn’t want to know which one he thought of me as.

I nodded at him as the doors closed, unsure what else to do, before slumping back as soon as I was out of sight.

It felt like there was a weight on my shoulders, forcing me down. I wasn’t sure if it was the weight of grief or responsibility. People kept looking at me expectantly and I couldn’t work out if they expected me to cry or to seize control. Maybe, both.

Or neither.

I didn’t want to think about it too deeply even though I knew the answer. They’d been looking at me that way since before Gem’s death. They wanted me to step up and do what they thought I must. They expected me to be the one to bring the Council down.

But they didn’t know what they were asking. Not really. I think a lot of people saw me as an idol but forgot what I really was; just a dumb kid who’d just lost their best friend.

I still can’t believe she’s gone.

Blinking hard to disperse the tears that welled in my eyes, I glanced up as the doors opened again onto my floor. It was quieter than I expected and I was so grateful for it. I only saw a handful of people on my journey to the infirmary and none of them paid much attention to me. It was a nice change.

Chal noticed the moment I entered though. He must have been keeping an eye on the door because his eyes found me at once, despite the fact he was locked in a discussion with a patient. He held up a finger to me, asking me to wait a moment before I went into our room at the back and I nodded, moving slowly through the room to avoid hovering at the door.

I could feel his eyes, and probably mods, examining me carefully as he walked towards me.

“You okay?” was the first thing he asked.

“Yeah, fine,” I answered, the lie slipping off my tongue easily.

He saw straight through me and one of his eyebrows raised as he cocked his head to the side.

“Can I have a word in my office?” he asked, pointing with his chin towards the end of the corridor.

I glanced at the door, interest and nervous anticipation rising within me.

I’d never seen inside Chal’s office before, I honestly hadn’t known that it ever existed, but I was worried about what he had to say.

I nodded, my mind racing as I tried to work it out.

It could be anything. Bad news about my recovery or Peggy’s or even Cas’ even though he said he was fine. Something about Cory, maybe? I’d not seen him that much and I knew that he wasn’t sleeping. Or it could be about Andy. He might ask me what we’d spoken about. I wasn’t sure how I’d even answer that if he did ask.

I was pretty sure that he was cleared to know almost anything about what happened on the ship and he had good knowledge of sneaking things and people onto bases so he might be able to help but also he might get annoyed at Andy for involving me in the fight again.

My body tensed as Chal waved his hand over the scanner beside his door and I found myself watching the door in anticipation.

I was intrigued as to what his office would look like. I’d been in his ship before, of course, but only in the common areas and medBay. I’d never seen what the personal areas were like.

I almost expected the office to look like the ship, all gleaming white services, and I was a little disappointed to note that it looked just like any other room on Freo. The walls were a dull, worn silver. Screens and half-empty cups were scattered over the desk at the back of the office and a disused medBot lay to one side. There was even a carefully made cot against one wall.

“Do you sleep here?” I asked, the question slipping out of my mouth without me thinking about it.

He laughed as he edged around the desk and sat in the creaky chair behind it.

“In theory, yes,” he said.

“And in practice?”

A tired smile passed his face.

“That’s where I sit when I grow tired of sitting at my desk and I’m not needed in there.”

Concern edged its way into my mind.

“When was the last time you slept?” I asked.

“Surely, I should be asking you that,” he shot back.

“I’ll answer if you do.”

He narrowed his eyes at me.

“I got a solid two hours a few nights back,” he said, raising his eyebrows challengingly.

“So did I.”

He sighed, all traces of joking draining from his face.

“Do you want to give the sleeping medication a try again?” he asked gently.

I shook my head.

“It’s fine. I get some sleep, it’s mostly just that I get woken up a lot or just can’t get to sleep,” I explained.

He nodded.

“That’s understandable. The medication might help with that, though.”

I shook my head.

I couldn’t. Not again.

“Okay,” he said understandingly. “If you do need anything though, come to me. Sleeping tablets, stimulant drinks, coffee, whatever it is, okay?”

“Thank you,” I said with a smile.

I did really appreciate it.

A wave of relief washed through me as Chal paused but I knew it was too good to be true. He didn’t ask me into his office just to talk about my sleep, there was more. I could feel it.

“Before I let you get back to the others, there was something else I wanted to say. Away from listening ears.”

I felt myself start to tense up again but I forced myself to say, “What’s going on?”