The food was abnormally bland and we mostly ate in silence but I was glad for it. I kept expecting Orion to start a conversation but he didn’t. I was a little worried about him, he’d been pretty quiet since he’d told me what had happened on his base but he didn’t look too preoccupied.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” a voice said, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I blinked and turned towards the woman who had approached us. Her eyes were ringed with red and she looked on the brink of tears.

“She was a good person,” she said, her eyes welling up even more.

“Thanks,” I said awkwardly, unsure what to say.

She didn’t know what Gem was really like. She wasn’t just a good person but she was incredible. She constantly did things that made our lives better. People would never truly understand how much of a loss Gem’s death was. She has left a gaping hole in my heart.

“She will truly be missed,” the woman said with a loud sniff. “By everyone.”

Beside me, Orion shuffled and sent the woman a look that was almost a glare.

“I know she will,” I said in what I hoped was a kind yet dismissive tone.

She must have gotten the idea because she smiled at me once more before returning to her table.

I fought back a sigh and spooned more mashed potatoes into my mouth. They were normally really good but they tasted flavourless.

“I don’t want to sound rude,” Orion started hesitantly.

“Okay?” I said, slightly intrigued by his tone.

“Does it annoy you that people are only talking about Gem? I mean, she was fantastic and she did so much to help Freo but… Tuc died too. I’ve barely heard anyone mention him.”

The question was a little blunt but it was an understandable one.

I honestly hadn’t thought about it much but the second that Orion asked it, I thought back to what everyone had said to me in the last week. He was right, only a couple of people had even mentioned Tuc and I’d been close to him too. Sure, I wasn’t as close to him as I was with Gem, obviously, but we’d been working together for months now. We had dinner together whenever we came back from missions which was most days.

Why hadn’t anyone mentioned him?

Not that I really wanted them to. I didn’t want anyone to say anything to me about the people we’d lost, not really, but he deserved to be remembered just as much as Gem did. He’d been fighting for Freo for years, it wasn’t right.

“Honestly, I feel bad for saying this but I hadn’t realised it until you said. It’s ridiculous, people should be talking about him too,” I said.

Part of me had wanted to lie but it was wrong.

Orion nodded.

“I guess he wasn’t quite as well known publicly as her. I mean, obviously, he did movies and stuff back in the day but he’s not done anything that well known in years so people forgot about him, I guess,” he observed, picking at his food.

“I guess so. It feels wrong though.”

“It does,” he said sadly.

I watched him picking at his food again for a moment before pushing my own half-eaten plate tray away from me.

“Are you still hungry?” I asked.

He shook his head silently.

“Great! Shall we get out of here then?” I asked, trying hard to sound extra positive.

“Sure.” Orion pushed his tray away from him a little bit before getting up.

“Great, I’ll walk you back to your room. Are you on the residential floor?” I asked as I propped my tray on my lap and pushed the controls of my chair backwards slightly.

“Do you need a hand with your tray?” he asked, quickly rushing around the table towards me.

I glanced down at it, noticing that he hadn’t answered my question but I chose to ignore it for the time being.

“Nah, I think I have it balanced pretty well but thanks.”

He smiled at me before leading the way down the row of tables towards the drop-off point.

Conversations stopped as we passed and I could feel people’s gaze burning into me. I almost wanted to shout at them to stop and that I knew what they were talking about and thinking about but it would be pointless. It wouldn’t help anything, then people would probably just feel pity for me and that was much, much worse. I shook my head slightly, smushing my lips together to stop myself from screaming, before handing my tray to Orion as we approached the counter.

We left the room without saying much more and I waited until we were in the corridor before asking, “So, to the residential floor or is your room somewhere else?”

He hesitated, looking back down the corridor before glancing back at me.

“Actually, I was planning on going back to the war rooms. I have some more stuff that I want to have a look at tonight,” he admitted uncomfortably.

I sighed.

I’d assumed that he would have planned on going back there but it wasn’t healthy. He needed sleep. I didn’t want to but I was pretty sure that if I ordered him to go get some sleep, he would. I knew he respected me too much to disregard a direct order. But it didn’t feel right for me to do, even if it was what was best for him. I decided to try subtly first and if that failed, I’d order him to.

“Orion, you know it’s not a good idea. You need to get to bed. You’re still young, it’s bad for you to be staying up this long,” I said gently.

“People do it all the time though. Like, most of the other people in there use stimulants, even Captain Aquila does it!” he insisted.

I wasn’t particularly surprised. A lot of people on the base used to take them too but Andy used to make us see a doctor or psychologist if we used too many. He always said they were bad for kids and banned them in anyone under fourteen.

I think he wanted to ban them completely but the Council refused. It was one of the few times they’d gotten involved in things at the base and he’d seemed quietly furious about it. I wasn’t really sure why they’d insisted that we should be able to use them but I assumed it was something to do with the stimulants making it so we could work for longer without needing a break.

“I know but she’s an adult, you’re basically still a kid. It’s bad for you.”

He looked away.

“If you want, I can take you down to Andy and he’ll give you his standard speech on why no one should ever use them?” I offered with a smile to show that I was teasing.

Orion’s face coloured slightly.

“I’ve… already had that speech,” he admitted bashfully.

“Oh, so you better get to bed so that you don’t hear it again. Trust me, if he’s disappointed in you or worries, it’s pretty rough.”

Orion’s eyes snapped to my face.

“Has he been disappointed in you before?” he asked, sounding shocked.

I turned towards the elevators at the end of the corridor and started moving slowly towards them.

Orion followed without questioning it, waiting for me to answer the question.

“Oh yeah, a couple of times actually. It never gets easier each time,” I said with a soft laugh.

It really didn’t though. It always left me feeling so bad.

He never shouted or even raised his voice but that somehow made it much worse. Every time, it made me want to do better. Or to be better. I never wanted to let him down again.

I guess, sometimes you have to though. It’s not always that easy but I wish it were. I know that he isn’t happy with some of the choices I made but I don’t think I’d change them if I had the chance. I messed up. Multiple times but I did what I had to do.

I hope I never have to do anything like that again. If you’re reading this, Andy, I’m sorry. I really didn’t want to go against your decision but I knew I had to. It was the only way to stop all this.