Tyler took a moment to compose himself, his eyes misted with tears, before blowing his nose loudly. He tucked the tissue into his suit pocket and looked back down at the screen on the podium before him.

“Slowly but surely, my Tuc began to re-emerge from his self imposed cocoon of shame and guilt but it took a while. For the first year, I didn’t hear from him at all. I was beside myself with worry and, despite not actually knowing where Freo was, almost set out to find it. I relied on weekly updates from Elliot telling me how Tuc was throwing himself into his training and finally putting the skills he honed as an actor to good use.”

Tyler fumbled on his screen, swiping up and making the large screen behind lit up. A picture of Tuc appeared on it but I barely saw him. It was jarring to see. It must have been a photo that Elliot had taken when Tuc hadn’t been on Freo long.

He was thinner than I’d ever seen him. His cheekbones jutted out of his face painfully, his eyes were sunken and his hair was dull. A gun was clutched tightly in his hand and he was glowering at the training mannequin before him. Red paint was splattered haphazardly across its torso and I could tell that Tuc was furious at the poor grouping of his shots.

“When he did start to speak to me again, he was a different person. Although he was still consumed by rage against the Council, he was much happier. He told me training here was much harder than he had expected but for the first time in a very long time, he was happy with the decisions he was making.”

A wistful smile came over Tyler’s face as he stared down at his screen, trapped in memories, but I couldn’t feel anything but guilt.

I feel like I should have known more about Tuc and his life before Freo. I’d never really even asked him when he came to Freo or what his life on Nova was like. I knew he was an actor, of course, but that was it. I didn’t know anything about Alli or even how close he was with Elliot.

Shame churned in my stomach as Tyler began to speak once more.

“I guess most of you know more about his life here,” he said with a wet but wry smile. “Probably as well as I do at least. He threw himself into his work with the same ferocity he threw himself into his acting. His years manoeuvring the Council, press and public meant he was a fine diplomat whilst his experience with screen combat came in handy. He worked his way up to becoming a secondary pilot and occasionally, I’m told, a primary pilot. He fought tirelessly to right the many wrongs of the Council and empower people to continue the fight.”

Tyler’s gaze fell on me and I felt my body tense up in anticipation of what was coming. I didn’t want to hear the end of the story, I wished that I could freeze it where Tyler had stopped.

“His final act of defiance against them was to save the lives of the Council’s biggest threats, sacrificing his own in return,” he said, pride shining through his voice. “May the Gods look kindly on him and allow him to spend his eternal peace with his family.”

I wanted to bow my head in shame. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me and it made me want to scream. My skin itched as if their gaze was a physical thing.

It shouldn’t have been a decision that Tuc had to make, I should have known better. I’m the Captain, I should have known better. I should have checked mine and Peggy’s boots long before we were in that situation and then we could have avoided him having to risk his life at all! Things should have gone differently.

It wouldn’t happen again. I refused to let my crew or anyone else get taken by the Council. No one else will die because of them and I will not attend another funeral, sitting ideally by as they continue to accumulate wealth and power.

I will bring them down and you can all hold me to that. I will make sure that every single member of the Council will be held accountable for the horrible things they have done.

I will make them suffer.

Hells, maybe by the time you’re reading this it’s already happened. Maybe they’re already all dead. I like to think that they are. It’s grim and I know it makes me a bad person but sometimes thinking that is the only thing that lets me sleep.

“Thank you all for attending today and listening to my ramblings. I know that Tuc would have appreciated seeing every single one of you here and thank you for the impact you’ve all had on his life. I hope you all remember him just as fondly as I do. I think that Captain Andy has a few words to say now.”

Tyler glanced at Andy who nodded in confirmation before his eyes found mine. I knew why. He was giving me a chance to change my mind and say something. I should have. As her Captain, I should have.

I know it’s wrong that I didn’t but I couldn’t. Every time that I tried to work out what to say about Gem and the impact that she had on us, something inside of me broke. It chased all air from my lungs and left me clutching my chest in pain. I didn’t know that heartbreak could hurt that badly.

I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say anything, it would be too close to admitting that she was gone. I wasn’t ready.

I’m still not. I’ll never be ready to let go of her. She didn’t deserve to die. Why did she have to?

Tears burnt my eyes again as Andy climbed the steps to the podium, pausing to clasp Tyler’s shoulder along the way. Tyler takes a deep breath, clearly taking a lot of comfort from his old Captain’s touch, before sitting down next to Elliot again.

My heart started to pound as Andy reached the podium. I wasn’t ready for what was about to happen. I wanted to run.

I found myself looking frantically at the hatch on the wall to my right. I could probably make it. I didn’t know the code to get in but I was sure that the chip in my hand would override it.

My sweaty hands clenched into fists and the only thing that stopped me from running was Andy beginning to speak.