Interlude: Hallways and Humans

​

"Alright, that concludes the Harvest phase! Panfor, your character is still doing research on human cuisine, right?" Pandaa asked excitedly.

"Yeah, he wants to see if he can figure out enough of these ancient recipes to actually try an' make one!" the younger pangolin replied.

"Alright, what you're gonna do is roll a dee-twenty-seven and add your Librarian skill."

"Does he get anything for his Cooking proficiency?" Panfor's older sister Pankara asked, fluttering her nostrils flirtatiously.

"Er, um, yeah, sure! Go ahead and take a plus... two?" Pandaa answered haltingly, trying to keep his tail from wriggling. Keep it together man, it's not like you have the breeding license to do anything about it...

There was a brief clatter as the die hit the stone dais the group was playing on. "Aw yeah, twenty-one!" Panfor shouted.

"Total?"

"Huh, oh, no, that plus eight makes..."

"Twenty-nine," supplied Pankara helpfully.

"Alright, well, twenty-nine is enough for you to uncover the eldritch secrets of..." Pandaa

lowered his voice as much as possible, which admittedly wasn't very far. "...burritos."

"AAAAAH!" Panfor fell out off the dais shrieking, then poked his snout back over the top. "Wha's a burrito?"

"Ooooh I am SO glad you asked!" Pandaa exclaimed. "A burrito consists of a bulk, proteinaceous filling and a variety of texture- and flavor-enhancing ingredients bundled together by an edible wrapper. For example, mashed beetles and ants stuffed into a hollowed-out chrysalis!"

"OOH OOH I want to make one!"

"Pandaa, I'm glad you paid attention in cult-anth," interrupted Pankara ("Well 'course I did," Pandaa started saying), "BUT my character really needs to start working on the next campaign season. I'm up for re-election remember?"

"Ah, right, so, the town is generally pleased with your decisions from last year to lower taxes and raise spending, but that's started causing a budget deficit that the other city counsel members may try to leverage against you."

Her eyes narrowed. "They're going to hire assassins to come after me?"

"Um. No? They'll just slander you in public. Reputation is very important when the people have some influence in the government, you see, and it's even more important in this alternate universe that doesn't have ninjas."

"I still say that's a stupid house rule," Pankara griped.

"Hey, I invented 'Hallways and Humans', my house rules are canon!"

"Pandaaaaaaa what do I roll to make a burrito?"

"Never mind that, who's the biggest threat to my mayoral position?"

"Roll for burrito! Roll for burrito! Roll for burrito!"

"OKAY, we're gonna CALM DOWN for just a bit, okay? Okay," Pandaa declared, feeling somewhat overwhelmed. "Panfor, stop grabbing my tail, it's rude and I already know you want my attention."

"I'm not grabbing your tail?" The younger pangolin held up his hands in confusion.

"Then wha--" Pandaa was cut off as he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

-o-

​

Pandaa realized what must be happening almost immediately after he began hurtling through nonspace, but he couldn't bring himself to believe it. He was getting summoned! He, Pandaa, was getting summoned, to the Human Path, to meet with the first summoner for the Pangolin Clan in centuries.

Okay, okay, gotta play it cool, be suave, make a good first impression, "Keep your tail high and your claws low," like Gran used to say, he ordered himself mentally.

An eternal instant of being gently poured across the universe later, he found himself standing in a clearing on a wooded mountainside next to one small and feeble-looking female human(!!!) with her bloody finger on the contract, an older male human who looked like he'd been stretched out and needed a mud bath and a good night's sleep, and upwards of thirty older humans standing slightly further off wearing expressions his ruthlessly drilled anthropological training informed him were different shades of shock and anger.

Aaaaaaah shit, he thought. Then he caught a whiff of the area's scents, and his brain went into overdrive. Tapirs! They must have been keeping anyone from getting to our contract! No, wait, the ones at the back aren't from the Summon Path... and they would have destroyed the contract anyhow. Whatever, time for that later, need to defuse the situation! Think, Pandaa, THIIIINK....

"About damn time someone called on the mighty clan of Pangolin," he heard himself say, as he took up a disdainful pose and looked the new summoner girl over. "A little young, aren't you?" Holy crap that sounded smooth, why can't I be like that when I'm around Pankara?

"Uh...," she responded eloquently

Pandaa shrugged, while shrieking internally. Our first summoner in generations and she's brain-damaged. Ain't that just my luck. "Whatever. What's your name, kid?"

"Keiko," she said after a moment. "Mori Keiko. It's very nice to meet you."

"I'm Pandaa, nice to meet you too. You ready to go?"

"Go?" she asked.

He couldn't resist clicking his tongue disapprovingly. "Go to the Summon Realm, of course. What, you think all you had to do was sign it and we'd be at your beck and call? Geez, kid, show some respect. You need to come meet people, let us get to know you and decide if we want to be your summons." I'm soooo coooooool!!!

"Uh...," she said again.

Yup, someone musta dropped her on her head as a pup. "I'll take that as a yes," he said. "Let's go."

He focused briefly on the slightly-off feeling in his belly and pulled, and they were off.

-o-

​

Away from the pressure of a couple dozen angry humans(!!!), Pandaa couldn't contain his excitement any longer. He led Keiko (no, Mori, humans wanted you to use their family name until you knew them better. Or was Keiko her family name? It was the first one she'd introduced herself as... and being someone's primary liaison probably counted as knowing them pretty well. Keiko it was!) through as many areas of the city as he could, showing off his new implied status as the special diplomatic representative to the Human Path.

A lot of people were understandably freaked out -- only the really old pangolins had seen a human in person -- but Pandaa fancied he saw a couple of looks from females bordering on bedroom eyes.

After making a brief stop at the Command Stone and peppering her with just about every question on humans he'd ever had that he hadn't been able to work out from the anthropology section of the library, the pair finally arrived at the tower over the fortress of the Polemarch.

...​

Pandaa steeled himself as the vast doors to Pantsaa's chamber opened. He and Keiko had been quickly waved through the front gates and escorted up to the last hallway once the guards confirmed his identity and that Keiko was, in fact, the summoner. Or summoning candidate, since she could still fail. It was nice, being treated like he mattered for once.

Of course, playing in the big leagues just meant the stakes were bigger too -- if Keiko didn't pass muster, his whole life was pretty much over. He wished fervently that he had spent at least a few minutes drilling her on pangolin manners as they stepped over the threshold.

“At your command, Polemarch,” Pandaa announced, remembering his formalities and standing to attention but failing to keep the abject terror he felt out of his voice. After a moment's pause he noticed Keiko's hands were still by her sides and nudged her urgently with his tail. “Your hands! Make the peace sign, you beakface!” he said as quietly as he could. She hurried to interlace her fingers.

“At ease, Pandaa,” the Polemarch commanded, in a voice Pandaa was sure would have shaken his scales right off if it hadn't been produced by ninjutsu. “I thank you for bringing the summoner candidate to me. You may wait outside.”

“Your will, Polemarch,” Pandaa tapped his tail on the ground, then hurried to get away from his terrifying commander (because he was going to be in the military now! This was so AWESOME!!), pausing to hiss “Don’t screw up." to Keiko.

The vast doors closed silently behind him as he exited into the hallway and began pacing, wishing even more furiously he had given Keiko a proper anthropological briefing before bringing her to speak to the leader of the entire Pangolin Clan. She was a human after all, what if she--

“YOU DARE BRING THAT HERE?!”

Pandaa felt that one even from his position halfway down the hallway. All he could think was Shit, shit shit shit, she's dead, I'm dead, we're all dead, goodbye mom, tell Pankara I love her.

But the tidal wave of monstrously powerful ninjutsu coming to end him totally failed to materialize, as did the sound of the Polemarch tearing through the stone of the fortress to squish the arrogant anthropologist who had dared to bring such an unacceptable summoning candidate before him.

Utterly perplexed, Pandaa scurried over and stood to attention just outside the doors. Not two minutes later, Keiko walked through, and Pandaa practically fell over himself in shock. "You're alive! Oh, thank the Pantokrator! Are you our summoner now, officially?"

She looked just as surprised as him as they began to walk back down the hallway. "Yes. I have accepted the terms Pantsaa offered, and now need to seek out pangolins willing to contract with me. Speaking of which, it seems that both of us have much to learn about each other's worlds. I would be glad if you would be willing to be my summon, in exchange for spending time in the Human Path."

For the second time in as many minutes Pandaa had to catch himself on his tail to stop himself from falling over. “I can’t believe it, I really can’t! I get to be a summon! Me! The first summon since Ui’s Six Scourges! Oh, this is wonderful! Thank you so much for not dying!”

“You know,” Keiko said with an odd tone to her voice, “no one has ever said that to me before.” Pandaa blinked at that. He knew the Human Path was a pretty brutal place, but that was a bit much. She turned to examine him. “And you are satisfied with our pact?” she asked.

“Of course I am! I get to have my questions about humans answered, and be shown human things, and places, and people, and you get me to fight for you! Well, sort of. I mean, I’m an anthropologist, not a warrior. But I’m still a proud member of the Pangolin Clan, with the greatest weapons and armour on the Seventh Path, and the finest senses. And I’m sure once I’ve been through basic training, I’ll be a complete badass!”

He could picture it now. Oooooh Pandaa-sama, your knowledge of foreign and exotic locations is sooooo sexy, not to mention your muscles and immense wealth. Yeah, he could get used to that. “So, shall I send you back to the Human Path? It’s a shame to let you go, I mean, I still have a thousand questions, but things seemed kinda serious where you were, and I don’t want you to get hit with field punishment on my account.”

“As it happens,” Keiko said, “I believe I have a mission for you. You are correct to note that the situation surrounding my trial was... tense, when you showed up, but I believe I have a way you could correct that.”

"I'm all ears!" My first mission as a summons! Oh, this is gonna be great!

...​

There were even more humans(!!!) gathered around when they got back, though the number who looked ready to attack Keiko had dropped notably. The oldest humans were sitting front and center, perfect for the little show Pandaa had been tasked to put on.

He walked in front of the crowd. “Let it be known,” he said in as close a replica to the Polemarch's voice as he could manage, “that the human Mori Keiko is hereby accepted as the successor of Ui Isas and the Summoner of the Pangolin Clan. Those who aid her will earn the Pangolin Clan’s favour, and those who set themselves against her will suffer the Pangolin Clan’s fury.” Holy shit, I'm so much cooler in the Human Realm! Wait, I have to do the sending-off part too. How did that go? Hmmmmmm oh, right.

He turned to face Keiko. “The Pangolin Clan commands you, Mori Keiko, to leave this place and take the summoning scroll to where it may be used to battle against the clan’s enemies, for the honour of our ancestors and the glory of the Pantokrator.”

Then he pulled on the cords of chakra in his stomach and got the hell out of there. He had a game to get back to!

-o-

​

"We're going to stage our deaths," Hazou said. "One of the pursuing teams gets here, Pandaa sets off the explosives, the bodies get blown up. The enemy team pauses, shocked. The other team shows up a few seconds later, drawn by the noise. To them it looks like the first team just took us out. The two groups should be jumpy and they should wrangle a bit, giving us time to get away."

"I'm ready!" Pandaa called, waving one clawed paw to get it above ground level -- he had dug out a meter-deep trench under the overhanging branches of a nearby bush while the humans discussed their plan. "This is exciting!"

There was some discussion of bodies and meat-parts that he didn't particularly pay attention to, busy as he was imagining how he was going to tell this story to everyone he knew. He was pulled from his reverie by Keiko kneeling by his hideout. "Pandaa, remember: unsummon yourself as soon as you set off the explosives," she said. "Your injury would be unacceptable."

"Yes, ma'am!" he said, hopping with excitement. It wasn't like it would matter that much anyway, everyone knew summons were mainly chakra-constructs when on other Paths. "I wait until the enemy gets here, then I break the trigger and blow everything up, then I unsummon! I am so on this!" He hopped from foot to foot. "This is going to be so exciting! My parents are never going to believe it!"

After a little more setup, Keiko's team threw some kunai out into the night and vanished, and Pandaa settled in to wait and listen, hardly daring to breathe.

He didn't have to wait long. Less than a minute after Keiko's squad had departed he heard the sound of oncoming feet and immediately passed a claw through the space between the seals Kagome had laid down.

Then, driven mostly by the desire to see a gigantic explosion, he totally failed to de-summon himself. Instead, he quietly scampered out of the hole and as far into the woods around the clearing as he dared before stopping and staying quiet.

Not that the enemy would have heard him over their own footfalls and the earsplitting KABOOM that ripped through the clearing, followed shortly by the sound (and smell!) of sizzling meat. Mmmm, tasty... no, focus Pandaa, focus!

To his left, he heard exclamations of shock from the enemy which quickly turned to fear as the fire started spreading rapidly. There were sounds of scrambling as the ninja started backtracking rapidly. Pandaa smelled a recon opportunity (and a chance to see some new humans!) and scurried along behind them. His tail got a bit singed, but on the plus side he could brag about being injured in combat now, and it wasn't even permanent! Being a summon was great!

Eventually he found himself running right into a curved granite wall, which was both disheartening and confusing. Pandaa carefully dug down and over, poking his snout out into air you could smell the tension in.

"...violated Fire's borders?" someone, a younger woman based on the samples from Keiko's group, was asking.

"We're chasing a group of terrorists who killed several people at a resort in Hot Springs. There was no time for bureaucratic bullshit. Now, can we work together on this or are you going to get in our way?" an older woman replied dismissively.

"You don't get to waltz into our borders, set off a forest fire, and then order Leaf-nin around!"

"Yes, I do. It's in the treaty -- jounin from Hot Springs can commandeer Leaf border forces performing nonessential functions to aid in the pursuit, capture, or elimination of violators of the DMZ. So if you want, I can order you to help, or you can come with us to figure out why six assassins just killed themselves and lit the countryside on fire after running deep into your territory."

Now a young man, older than Hazou or Noburi if Pandaa guessed right, spoke up. "If you will excuse me, Leaf-nin-san, it seems possible that this is exactly what they wanted us to do, though perhaps they hoped it would happen before we caught up to them, leading them to kill themselves to deny us intel."

"Kotsuzui is correct." A different young man this time. "We need to establish what happened over there. Their trajectory could easily have put them into Rice, which is hugely worrying, and the more info we can gather the better a picture we can put together. That info is currently on fire. Do any of you have techniques useful for combating the fire besides the wall-making jutsu you just used?" There were affirmative noises from three voices. "Excellent. And I suppose a mednin to help me examine the bodies would be too much to hope for?" This was met with negative responses and a long-suffering sigh. "As usual."

"Cheer up, Kirisaki, you can probably do whatever you want with the corpses once we determine what happened!" the older woman butted in. "Now, are we going to get to the bottom of this, or do will we have to do it ourselves and report you for breaking treaty clauses?"

Deciding Keiko would probably be happy enough with that, Pandaa finally de-summoned himself.

-o-​

"...and that's how I saved Summoner Keiko's entire squad from two armies of enemy ninja," he finished, waving his claws for dramatic effect.

Pankara snorted. "You're a terrible liar, Pandaa. Lucky for you you're cute." She finished the last of her ants and hopped up to get back to patrolling, waving goodbye as she left.

Pandaa sat there for a while, struck dumb. He had a chance! This was the best job ever!