1.8.1

Courting Priorities

At the dining table the next day, Astrid spoke as few words as possible. She didn’t trust her voice. A fellow Channeler might’ve sensed her discomfort that Rue no longer made herself skittish, but instead now huddled with the others as if to mark her territory.

Astrid attempted to ignore her dark company, but she could feel glares whenever the blonde thought it would go undetected. And it usually did. The other Statics either remained oblivious, or Rue’s brooding reigned too familiar for them to notice.

Her own reticence, however, did not go so overlooked. Anders asked her to stay behind after the others went ahead to prepare for the day.

Astrid followed the man to the small commons area, private and empty now with everyone at their stations. Surely, she reasoned, he could not know what had unfolded there just the night previous.

“Are you okay?” he asked without preamble the moment he seemed certain they were alone.

Astrid immediately felt the urge to deflect, but already her anxious hands grasped one another.

“Astrid?” Anders pressed.

“I’m fine,” she started. But his intense eyes didn’t seem satisfied, and he crossed his arms. “Or, I will be.”

“Is it something we’ve done? Is there anything I can do to help?”

Again, Astrid fell quiet. It didn’t feel right to reveal what happened the night before. The crew already seemed close, closer than she could hope to be. Reporting on one to another, even if she were believed, felt like somehow poisoning the water. Like it made her the problem.

“I need to work it out on my own,” she offered instead. “If I’m going to be a part of the team, I need to get my own legs under me.”

His body language relaxed to have her talking. “I can respect that. But you’re supposed to be able to come to me if there’s an issue.”

“I have Tenya,” Astrid assured them both. Then relinquished a fond smile. “When she lets me get a word in edgewise. I like her.”

“Yeah,” Anders huffed in amusement. “Me, too.”

However, when silence fell again, Astrid couldn’t escape the man’s scrutiny. Though more amiable, he still looked as though her secrecy bothered him.

“Is it about the mission?” he finally pried. “Are you scared?”

“No. I mean, yes,” Astrid corrected. “I am scared. But I’m also ready. I can do this.”

Anders quirked a brow. “So, it is about someone, then.”

Caught, Astrid squirmed on her feet with nowhere to go.

“I’m not… convinced everyone wants me here, is all,” she finally explained diplomatically. “And I don’t want to cause any problems. I’m not looking to make things difficult.”

“That’s what has you so worried? What people think of you?”

“Shouldn’t it?” she asserted. “Everything I do out here is a reflection on my people, and what our future can look like. Of course it matters what people think of me.”

“Astrid, there’s always going to people who have a problem with Channelers.”

At that, Astrid blinked.

But Anders spoke pragmatically, “It’s the nature of the world. There’s at least two sides to everything. Six opinions to every three people. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone but you.”

“But-“

“Do you doubt Captain London believes in you?”

Astrid swallowed, then shook her head.

“Do you have anything to be ashamed of? Anything you feel you’ve done wrong?”

Does existing count? She asked herself bitterly. But after a moment, she had to admit that, “No. I’m doing my best. And I will continue to serve however I can.”

“Then that’s it. I can’t stop people from judging you, or any of us. But the only person who has to live with you the rest of your life is you. Do right by yourself and let the opinions fall where they may, alright? You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to please everyone.”

“I…” Astrid rubbed at her arm. “Thank you. I will meditate on that.”

The word “meditate” made his lips twitch into a smile, like the little reminder of her odd lifestyle endeared her to him.

“I hope you will. But for the record, don’t take advice, or criticism, from anyone you don’t admire. Your willingness to be trained can mold you into something you don’t recognize if you let it. You need to keep an active hand in what that looks like.”

“So… should I take your advice or not?” she braved a tease. And his face, after a moment of confusion, lit up.

“Are you mocking me, Specialist?”

Being called by her own job title brought Astrid more joy than she expected. She found herself smiling. Then Anders, too, grinned, and the moment that followed, thoroughly enjoyable, equally disarmed her.

Just when she was at loss on how to proceed, Anders cleared his throat and directed them back to business.

“I suspect the others are ready for you now in the cargo hold. Find me after, and we’ll make sure you know what you need to about Tetris before we land.”

Astrid nodded and excused herself. Though, as she passed him, she couldn’t but sense his energy heightened with their exchange.

At the very least, his interest in her welfare felt genuine. She’d start there and not make any presumptions.

~~~

Within the cargo bay, Tenya and Rue both worked to prep for their first operation.

“So, why are we not armoring up again?” Astrid asked as Tenya tossed a selection of civilian clothes, one at a time, over a table.

“Covert, Kitten. No one knows we’re looking yet, and we want to keep that secret as long as possible.”

Astrid’s fingers grazed over cotton, linen, polyester, and wool. Partywear, daywear, casual, all completely strange to her.

“See something you like?”

Astrid selected a cozy lavender top with sleeves so long the material extended over the palm. An extra barrier between her and the Static world.

“Interesting choice, but I suppose it makes sense.”

Tenya threw a pair of pocketed grey skinnies to her, along with a plain tank.

“You’ll need an extra layer between the vest and your skin. It chaffes. And we’re not going in without protection. Need shoes?” Tenya proffered a pair of heels, to which Astrid quickly shook her head.

“I’ll just wear my uniform flats from the Sanctuary. No one will recognize them, anyway. And if we have to run, I’d rather be in something familiar.”

“Honey, for me, heels are familiar.”

“You run in those?” Astrid eyed the thin straps skeptically.

“It’s like anything else. The more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes.”

“I think I’m taking on enough new skills as it is.”

“What about dates? You don’t dress up for dates?”

Astrid awkwardly deflected. “We’re not allowed to. Date, I mean.”

“You’re kidding.” Tenya’s coffee-colored eyes blinked in disbelief as if Astrid revealed they neither slept nor ate either.

“Too much emotion involved. Remember?”

“So, you’re like… celibate? For the rest of your life? I mean, you’re out now!”

Astrid shrugged, still uncomfortable with the subject.

“I haven’t really thought about it,” she dismissed. “It hardly seems the time. Or opportunity. It’s not necessary to a life worth living, is it? I’m not entertaining that idea until I know I can handle it. And for now, I definitely think I have enough on my plate.”

“Astrid.” Tenya sprang a hand to her hip. “There is always room for dessert!”

Astrid snerked at her friend’s comical take on a concept that so far eluded her completely. But their playfulness was cut short.

“Hey Newbie!” Rue called roughly from the other side of the hold, near Romo’s workstation. “Come on!”

Tenya sighed wistfully and nodded that Astrid should go on ahead while she continued to hunt for her own cover gear.

Astrid screwed up her courage and went to Rue’s side.